DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Hi OP, solicitor here albeit not family. From my perspective you don't need someone that is emotionally on board with you. It might actually work against you. I've seen solicitors do this and essentially "go to war" with their opposite. I've been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour and have seen it backfire / prevent a settlement which would have likely achieved a better outcome once the cost of preparing for and attending trial were factored in.

Having someone stay emotionally detached will also help them look at the bigger picture and what is ultimately in your best interests.

Ideally you really need to speak to the person that would be dealing with you, but I see option 2 want £400 for this. If they're decent and you have the funds, might be worth paying it even if you don't go with them as it may well reduce the pool of decent solicitors local to you that your husband could go to as they would be conflicted - having discussed and advised you.

You don't need someone who is emotionally on board, divorce is a business transaction. I'd go with them.

I'm in the middle of a not very nice divorce at the moment (entitled narcissist), I'd go with number 3. She's sounds very honest, and that's important. If she comes across as a little scary, even better! You need someone who will fight your corner. I have one of these now. For my first divorce, I had her mother and I was very glad that she was on my side!

Unfortunately, this is my second divorce. But it does mean I have lots of experience. So if I can help with any questions, feel free.

If you think you're going to have to move, then also go armed with details of suitable houses but in the higher end of the price bracket. Remember 50/50 is a starting point, and you may need more than 50/50. You just have to prove that.

Also, if you do have any debts then they are family debts and will be taken into account as such.

Excellent tough love there mumsnet, thanks - all great tips and there seems to be a big consensus! You’re absolutely right about the emotional support thing.

I think my gut said option 3 too. I’ll sleep on it and then decide. Tomorrow’s activities: instruct solicitor, get an STI check. Thank you.

A therapist is what you are looking for if you want someone who has your back emotionally. It's so understandable to need that while you're in the midst of all this - but that's not what you need a solicitor for. You need a solicitor who is professional, knows their stuff, is prepared to fight for what's fair, but will be honest and upfront with you about what's realistic. A solicitor should absolutely be personable, but they also need to remain objective. And that objectivity is especially important when your emotions might be all over the shop, as at times they will be.

A counsellor/therapist is a support, a solicitor is like an anchor who has to stay grounded in reality, otherwise they won't serve your best interests well.

Not a family law solicitor but definitely option 3. Is she registered with Resolution? Even better if so.

Yes she is - she was chair of Resolution in a neighbouring county

@mummytrex's "If they're decent and you have the funds, might be worth paying it even if you don't go with them as it may well reduce the pool of decent solicitors local to you that your husband could go to as they would be conflicted - having discussed and advised you."

...is an excellent point. This is the energy you need to bring to the coven party.

Another 'vote' for option 3. Agree that you want 'Dispassionate' advice and emotional support needs to be found from other people.

In your shoes OP I would go option 3 long run a good solicitor can work out cheaper as they get it sorted quicker, are clear etc.

Be prepared for the script to ramp up when you do tell him and for the potential for petty games to start. Currently he thinks he's very clever, completely in control etc they can soon change when they feel that grip loosening. Read up on grey rock method and try your best not to react to things.

A question to ask solicitor 3 (or either of the others if you decide to go a different way) - can you rely on her to tell you when you can do things more cheaply yourself. The is assuming you have the headspace for this, but it's a question worth asking and is liikely to save you some money!

Option 3 would be my choice here. You don’t need tea and sympathy from your solicitor, you need clear experienced legal advice and sounds like she is the person for it.

Without a doubt, Option 3.

@EmmaThompsonsTears you’ve had great support and advice here (the best of mumsnet really and refreshing to see as so many threads turn into bunfights for no good reason) but I came on to say:

1. you’re unbelievably strong in how you’re coping with all this and you should never forget this and what you’re capable of.
2. definitely option 3 (I’m a lawyer different field but would never allow a non-partner/senior solicitor to take an initial call - if we want your business we need to give you access to what you’re buying) and finally
3. wish you the best of luck.

OP

Honestly I wouldn't bother with a solicitor at this point. All you need to do is tell your 'D'H that you're divorcing.

Get all the documents you can, copies of his pension. Apply for the divorce in sole name, not joint. This gives you a bit more control over the pace.

The advice you're going to require depends a little on your husbands response. You'd be wasting money at this point.

Legal queen on YouTube is useful for basics.

I've wasted thousands on Solicitors whilst my ex has led me on a merry dance. Ultimately he has refused to disclose all sorts so we're now in court. Solicitors were a complete waste of time and money.

Do you want more than half? Courts look for a 50 50 split generally but you can depart from this if you have greater needs, ie, more of the child carer, you earn less, have any disability etc.

If you're content with 50/50 I'd look at doing it yourself. The divorce itself is separate to the finances.

Many Solicitors offer a free 20 or 30 mins so you can ring around for initial advice. At this stage you'd be paying for nothing though. See how your H responds and you may agree between yourselves (although he sounds like a complete twat so maybe not).

Im not claiming to be a legal expert, far from it, but I'm happy to share what I've learned so far if you want to PM me.

Good luck. It's a horrible thing to go through, though you sound very strong!

Retired solicitor here ( not family) - option 3 .

I think that’s very bad advice when I walked into court to enforce the consent order.
Before I’d even sat down the judge told me that if I brought a Lawyer in earlier and none of this would be happening and it was entirely my own fault.
I couldn’t afford a lawyer. I was trying to feed Four children when he wasn’t paying any child support.
But that didn’t stop them giving me both barrels

Option 3

You don't want sympathy, you want someone dispassionate. If you need someone to get you, find a therapist.

Not saying this to be harsh but the outcome you want is a good settlement for you and your children's future.

That is entirely separate from a process which will provide a resolution emotionally.

You’re all right. I think I was looking for a bit of an “oh my god, what a bastard” because I’ve barely told anyone IRL and I’m still looking for that validation - realistically it would be very unprofessional for a solicitor to do that 😂

I have a therapist for the CBT, which I’m having for the anxiety that was “ruining our relationship”. It’s NHS though so will only go on for another 6-8 weeks, or however long the treatment protocol is. She doesn’t do private which is very disappointing!

Just played this scenario out in my head

‘Oh H, my therapist has got to the bottom of my anxiety. Yes, apparently it’s a result of your infidelity and being a prick. Don’t worry she’s referred me to a specialist. I think they call them a solicitor.’

I'm recently divorced and it took 3 years. ExDH walked out on me and our 2 DC after 20 yrs married and 25 yrs together. I knew I couldn't afford a solicitor and whilst I probably spent around £1200 on a couple of meetings with solicitors (as well as the free consulations) in hindsight it was a waste of money for me. Ex had a few solicitors and I know he spent a small fortune but it didn't help him. He played dirty for 2yrs until ow kicked him out and then he was bending over backwards to get us the divorce I wanted from day 1. I know this is probably unusual but after 2 years of arguments and useless mediation and threats from his side I think he was just fed up with it all as well, wanted me to stay in the FH with the kids (I have them 100% of the time as ow lived 150 miles away). So, that's what happened. He didn't touch my (better) pension and I kept the house and gave him what I could afford. I can just about manage the mortgage on my own. We put down on the consent form what needed to be put down to get it through. He's completely happy with the situation. I'm completely happy with the situation now and we are getting on again. I just paid about £700 for the consent order to be drawn up and submitted. I let him stay in the house when he needs to now as he's moved back in with his mum 200 miles away (I have a spare bedroom). Try looking at the facebook group divorce without lawyers. They have a membership website of about £25 a month and I did pay this for 2 years as the members only facebook group was very useful. Look at various facebook groups for divorce and see the many many posts from women who have spent thousands and thousands on soliciors fees and are no where further along than those of us who didn't use a solicitor, just more in debt. You can apply online yourself for the divorce. Just pay the fee. You don't need a solicitor for that. Hopefully he'll be so mortified that he'll agree to 50/50 if that's what you want - why wouldn't he!! You would be entitled to more if you have the children more than 50%. You're angry and scared now. I totally get it. I was frozen in fear and terrified for a very long time. Ex dh kept telling me I'd have the sell the house and he'd get 50% of everything. I just stuck my head in the sand and ignored him and I guess that tactic worked for me. Not saying it will work for you but if you are happy with 50/50 of assets then I don't see why you would need to go to court or spend £15k+ on a solicitor.

Divorce is a business negotiation. You need a solicitor that knows their stuff and can dispassionately argue your case. The “cause” of the divorce is actualy irrelevant- the judge wont care he’s an affair, just that the needs of both parties and the children are being fairly met.

Emotional support comes from friends or a therapist.

OP does your employer have an employee service? You could access short term counselling through them. You’re doing brilliant. One hour, one day x

Op I represented myself to do our divorce and ex had a solicitor. Ex was stalling for a while on completing. He sent me his bill at the end which was £5500, original estimate to do the divorce was approx £1500, and he expected me to pay half. I told him to stick it up his hoop but it does highlight how the costs rack up. £4000 it cost him to be awkward (the separation agreement was already done separately). So glad I replied to it all and held my ground myself. Do your research, stand your ground and only use a solicitor for the bits you NEED to. You’ll need everything you can get at the other side, so worth it though to be free

Glad you have a good solicitor option! You sound amazing 👏🏼 it will honestly all be worth it in the end when you're free 💕