Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship finance dilemma

103 replies

Kate7418 · 01/06/2025 11:43

After discovering my husband had cheated on me last year and our subsequent marriage break up, I have only recently entered the whirlwind of the dating apps.

I've met a really nice guy my age, and we arranged a first date. He had told me he was in management, works away a lot and has been divorced 6 years. Dating hadn't worked out as he couldn't meet anyone educationally on his wavelength
( he and I both have Master's degrees) or anyone who liked travelling as he does.

I have a low paid minimum wage job after bringing up my children, one of whom I am still the carer for ,as he is disabled.

We had a truly fantastic first date, and he revealed the extent of his job which is at executive level. He is very wealthy. But that means nothing to me as I am very much seeking that spark connection which we have in spades. We had coffees which he paid for then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair. I must admit that I was vague about my job but he knew I wasn't anywhere near his financial strata.

Anyway, he takes 5 star luxury holidays several times a year and he's looking for a relationship whereby his partner accompanies him, but she pays her half of the holiday. I can't possibly do that. I can't afford a caravan holiday currently and although we got on like a house on fire this whole holiday thing sounded like a deal breaker with him. I stupidly sat there and nodded my desire to accompany him on the holidays. At the end of the meal he asked how we were going to go about the bill. I found myself saying " I'll pick that up as you got the coffees earlier".

The upshot is that I spent £100 on the meal that I really didn't have and Im going to be really short the next few weeks as a result. I could kick myself. The thing is we got on so well, he's texting me, arranging another date and excited we've met. He mentioned that he was " glad the dating app game is now over" now he's met me. I feel equally happy but this dark cloud regarding finances is looming over me.

I suppose I'll have to come clean and watch him walk away. But we have such a good connection and I will be very sad to see him go, just because financially I'm not in his league.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/06/2025 11:50

I wouldn't have been impressed that he didn't offer half of the food bill just because he'd bought 2 coffees, why on earth did you offer to pay the full bill? Even so, he shouldn't have let you

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 11:50

Are you sure he is not a fantasist? He is wealthy yet let you pay for the meal? Sounds like he is pretending he is loaded to try reel you in being honest. I have some experience of this too sadly and thats how it started for me.

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 11:50

You’ll have to be honest and tell him you can’t afford the lifestyle he’s got.

Tbh there’s a lot of red flags here OP - letting you pick up the full bill on the first date and lovebombing/future faking all rings huge alarm bells.

I think the reasons he’s single are probably very different to what he’s telling you.

In your shoes I’d honestly throw this one back - I think he’s full of shit.

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 11:53

He also sounds like a twat - never met anyone on his level. Serious eye rolling here.

Bananalanacake · 01/06/2025 11:53

So the meal cost 200 if you had to pay half, I'd come clean and tell him you have kids and don't earn that much.

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 11:54

I wouldn't have been impressed that he didn't offer half of the food bill just because he'd bought 2 coffees, why on earth did you offer to pay the full bill?

The op says she paid half.

then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 01/06/2025 11:55

Your self esteem must be on the floor

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 11:55

The op says she picked up the full bill not half.

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 11:56

@Psychoticbreak
She says this
then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair.

ShanghaiDiva · 01/06/2025 11:57

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 11:56

@Psychoticbreak
She says this
then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair.

At the end of the meal, she said ‘I’ll pick that up’

Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 11:58

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 11:56

@Psychoticbreak
She says this
then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair.

She then goes on to say that he asked how the bill was to be paid and she said she would get it as he got the coffees. Basically he told her he wanted 50/50 as in hols and things but then still questioned how to pay the bill and must have been delighted she offered to pay in full.

I say he is a liar.

NCtoavoidsniggering · 01/06/2025 11:58

I’d be wary of who he says he is. Very wary.
And I’d also feel wary of any relationship where there was so much inequality - especially if he’s made such a point about his partner paying their own way.
This isn’t going to end well, and hiding things is only going to make them worse (or alternatively will make a fraudster stop now and find another victim). Either way, come clean now! And if it’s the end, then you’ll know it was never going to work anyway. But don’t spend any more - ( financially or emotionally) until you’ve had it out with him.

Island2513 · 01/06/2025 11:58

So it’s 50:50, unless you’re paying for all of it?

Tiswa · 01/06/2025 11:58

So hold on he paid £15 max for coffee and you paid £100 for the meal

I would ask him for his share block and move on

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 11:58

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 11:56

@Psychoticbreak
She says this
then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair.

She then goes in to say he let her pay the full bill.

I read it as she was happy beforehand to pay her half but then ended up paying the whole thing

Original poster
Kate7418 · 01/06/2025 11:59

Thank you for your replies.

I have checked him out and he does have the job and lifestyle he says he has. My fault about the meal bill...I should have said split the bill instead of offering to pick up the entire bill. I think I was trying to convince him I was financially independent after he had discussed the 5 star holidays scenarios. I think Im going to have to come clean with him and risk him walking away -I just never envisaged finances as a dealbreaker in a new relationship and it saddens me.

OP posts:
ShanghaiDiva · 01/06/2025 11:59

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 11:58

She then goes in to say he let her pay the full bill.

I read it as she was happy beforehand to pay her half but then ended up paying the whole thing

Show quote history

That’s how I read it too.

anyolddinosaur · 01/06/2025 12:01

Sounds like you paid the whole bill - did you? If he let you then he's probably a liar looking for someone with the ability to pay for all his holidays.

If you arrange a second date say in advance I assume you'll pay for this one and I'll just get the coffees and see how that is received.

Original poster
Kate7418 · 01/06/2025 12:01

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 01/06/2025 11:55

Your self esteem must be on the floor

It really is I think. You're right.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 01/06/2025 12:01

@Kate7418 you do not say where you live but sterling i assume somewhere in the UK. Is that where he is also based? How have you seen proof of the lifestyle? If it is says insta or something that can be fake. I know that first hand. He is sussing out how generous you are with money.

Olika · 01/06/2025 12:01

Surely you know it’s not going to work out. It doesn’t matter that there’s ‘connection’ when you are not compatible.

ShanghaiDiva · 01/06/2025 12:02

the fact that he let you pay the entire bill and he paid for coffees doesn’t sit well with me. I would expect any decent bloke to insist on 50/50, especially as he had told you how wealthy he is…

RealEagle · 01/06/2025 12:02

You payed the whole bill ,he sounds like a right catch

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2025 12:03

Op, I’m afraid you’ve probably been had.
he was lying and in an attempt to keep up with him youve just subbed a £50 meal for a stranger.

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 12:05

ShanghaiDiva · 01/06/2025 12:02

the fact that he let you pay the entire bill and he paid for coffees doesn’t sit well with me. I would expect any decent bloke to insist on 50/50, especially as he had told you how wealthy he is…

I agree. 50/50 on a first date is fair but I’ve never met a decent bloke who lets a woman pay the whole tab, especially one who claims to be loaded.

Think it’s clear to see why this intellectual prince amongst men is single