New relationship finance dilemma

[Kate7418]

After discovering my husband had cheated on me last year and our subsequent marriage break up, I have only recently entered the whirlwind of the dating apps.

I've met a really nice guy my age, and we arranged a first date. He had told me he was in management, works away a lot and has been divorced 6 years. Dating hadn't worked out as he couldn't meet anyone educationally on his wavelength
( he and I both have Master's degrees) or anyone who liked travelling as he does.

I have a low paid minimum wage job after bringing up my children, one of whom I am still the carer for ,as he is disabled.

We had a truly fantastic first date, and he revealed the extent of his job which is at executive level. He is very wealthy. But that means nothing to me as I am very much seeking that spark connection which we have in spades. We had coffees which he paid for then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair. I must admit that I was vague about my job but he knew I wasn't anywhere near his financial strata.

Anyway, he takes 5 star luxury holidays several times a year and he's looking for a relationship whereby his partner accompanies him, but she pays her half of the holiday. I can't possibly do that. I can't afford a caravan holiday currently and although we got on like a house on fire this whole holiday thing sounded like a deal breaker with him. I stupidly sat there and nodded my desire to accompany him on the holidays. At the end of the meal he asked how we were going to go about the bill. I found myself saying " I'll pick that up as you got the coffees earlier".

The upshot is that I spent £100 on the meal that I really didn't have and Im going to be really short the next few weeks as a result. I could kick myself. The thing is we got on so well, he's texting me, arranging another date and excited we've met. He mentioned that he was " glad the dating app game is now over" now he's met me. I feel equally happy but this dark cloud regarding finances is looming over me.

I suppose I'll have to come clean and watch him walk away. But we have such a good connection and I will be very sad to see him go, just because financially I'm not in his league.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

But that’s on him, not you. If he is not prepared to compromise on his luxury lifestyle and respect what you can afford then he’s really not worth losing sleep over.

Irrespective of who paid for what, this:

I never envisaged finances as a deal breaker in a new relationship and it saddens me.
So he has to ignore the subject and pay for you to go on the holidays you can't afford? Either you can match his lifestyle or you can't, I couldn't. But you can't expect him to fund every woman he dates because they have kids and a lower paid job. You said you don't care about money - you do, and it's naive not to think it's an issue.

And apart from that, telling you he has ‘never met anyone on his level’ wasn’t simply arrogant, it was an attempt to neg you ‘you’re the only woman ever who is as clever as I am’ .

I don’t think it’s wise for women to date whej their self esteem is so low, leaves you so open and vulnerable

Conversation with him needed.

If luxury is his priority, and why not, he earns well, then this isn't the relationship for you or him.

You say his background checks out, so no scam here.

He wants someone who can hold her own financially and you sound independent and someone who would be uncomfortable being ‘paid for’ too.

This relationship isn't going to work for either of you.

U will need to come clean OP. I have been in a relationship where one person earns more than the other and it can cause problems. Neither of us were high earners, but my other half was on minimum wage and I earned probably double. I ended up paying for 99% of stuff. He was tight though so that didn't help. Even if u could afford it, would being a carer for your child prevent u accompanying him? He should not have let u pick up the bill though OP. Good luck with it all.

Honestly OP I understand after a divorce wanting to move on but from experience I can tell you that you’re more vulnerable than you yet realise and sadly more liable to fall for the first man who is nice to you as you’re on the rebound.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s happened to most of us. Just take your time and don’t fall for these well practiced liars same old lines. OLD is full of them

Did he not ask you what you do at all? Surely the gap in income would have been obvious to him?

Was he just spouting off about himself the whole time?

It's one date, OP, not a relationship. It sounds like he's really lovebombing you if he's talking about not needing the apps anymore etc already. Be wary.

If you see him again, just be honest.

There is only a connection because you have mis-represented your situation. He is looking for someone that can pay their own way and match his spending power and you have pretended you can when you can't. I'm not judging your finances I could no way afford this either.

He isn't a knight in shining armour looking for love with his soul mate. He is looking for someone that can match his lifestyle without him having to sub them. It's important enough to him that he is putting it out there on a first date. Let him crack on looking for that.

I know someone who drones on about their 4 luxury holidays a year and they are boring as a tub of marg and are not very well travelled or cultured at all.

Find someone interesting where money doesn’t matter.

On his level because he has a Masters? What a twit. So what?

its not sustainable, you can’t afford to go on the kind of dates he wants.

I’d block him for this. It’s giving ‘I’m the prize’ type rhetoric.

yes, am inclined to agree.

I think it’s incredibly odd that on a first or second date a man, regard,DS’s of his own finances, was setting out his stall about wanting a girlfriend who paid her way on multiple annual luxury holidays. And it’s completely mad that you offered to pay a bill you couldn’t afford. OP, give yourself a shake. This isn’t going anywhere. Also, he’s awful.

You’re not compatible and he’s showing some red flags already. If he talked about himself and what he wanted but never asked about you then he sounds quite selfish.
I also can’t see how it’s practical to swan off on expensive holidays that you can’t afford when you’re a carer? Does he even know that?
However rich he says he is, if he let you get the full bill he’s either tight with money or not respectful. The least he should have done is offer half even when you said you’d pay.
Throw this one back. You don’t know him and it’s best to do that now before you end up paying the next bill (which if he’s a scammer is possible). Also just because he’s successful doesn’t mean he’s wealthy, he could be up to his eyes in debt.

Op you have been taken for a ride, and he is a freeloader which is why he is so wealthy probably!

If the connection is real he won’t let your circumstances stand in the way.

I think you need to dial down the dates to walks, picnics and coffees op. So you aren’t finding things difficult financially and chalk this up to a life lesson.

Sounds like a love bomber. And who doesn’t go halves on the first date. Block him and move on.

I suppose I'll have to come clean and watch him walk away. But we have such a good connection and I will be very sad to see him go, just because financially I'm not in his league.

Sorry OP but this panic your post does come across that you’re a bit desperate and lacking in self esteem which in completely understandable in your circumstances but it will lead you to making poor decisions with men.

You’ve met this man once, he met you pick up the whole bull and talked about himself non stop. That doesn’t sound like a fantastic date with a great connection - he’s just the first man who’s given you attention since your divorce and you’re wearing rose tinted specs.

Sorry if that’s a bit blunt but many of us (me included) have been vulnerable to these men after a divorce. Maybe you need to take more time to be completely comfortable single before you’re in right headspace to date again.

you need to be straight with him, that you enjoyed the date and felt a connection but you can’t be the partner he wants. Not least the money, but the time spent abroad when you have DC who need you. Walk away now before you get in deep.

He sounds awful, sorry. No one can possibly equate two coffees with a full meal so letting you pick up the whole bill is horrid. He should have offered to split at a minimum but after going on about his 5 star lifestyle, offering to cover the whole thing would have been decent. He is either making it all up to impress you or he’s tight, neither of those things are good starting points for a relationship. In the kindest way, you’re just dipped your feet into dating again and possibly got carried away with the feeling? I think be honest and send a message - ‘it was lovely to meet you, definitely think there was a spark! Just wanted to be upfront from the start though - your job sounds great, but I’m not at the same level. With x being disabled and working around the children I’m not a high flyer yet. I don’t want you thinking I’m not interested but I can’t manage big meals out or holidays - more McDonald’s and butlins here! If that’s a deal breaker for you, I completely get it. I’m looking for someone who values connection and kindness above money and I’m not ashamed of not earning as much as you but didn’t want to carry on with you thinking I could match the spending. ‘

Something doesn't add up...I think I'd be put off by such a bragger- he should be trying to get to know you, not planning holidays with you on a first date. His 'the dating game is over' (or whatever) is also arrogant and future faking!

I don’t think I would date at all until you have invested in your own self worth, they are going to see you coming as things stand now.

He sounds foul, frankly. Besides the ‘educational wavelength’ bollocks, you appear to have had two dates without him being interested enough to ask what you do for a living? If he did ask, and you told him, he must surely know roughly what you earn, and is just being a boastful wanker to spout on about multiple expensive holidays.

The not splitting the bill is just more proof that he’s a twat.

Don’t see him again. You deserve better.

I would booking the same place again for dinner, half through mention it’s his turn to pay. At the end after a glass of champagne I would tell him to his face that you are a carer for your beautiful son, have no wish or means to do endless ‘luxury’ holidays and ask him how you have got to date three without him asking you such basic questions.

Stand up, thank him for dinner and leave head held high. Job done.

The very reason he hasn’t met anyone yet is because of difference in lifestyle, so exacta like your situation. It’s not just about the money, even if you had money surely you couldn’t live that sort of life as you are a carer for your disabled child? I really think you need to reframe this as he’s actually not compatible with your lifestyle, it’s not just about you fitting into his lifestyle. He’s just made you feel like that because he pointed out early on that this has been an issue with previous girlfriends so you will automatically think you need to be different to them. You are trying to please him on a superficial level whilst he’s discounting anything on a deeper level.

He wants things to be 50:50… unless you’re paying in full.

He’s set you up from the first date and has had a free scran at your expense.

Throw this one back.