New relationship finance dilemma

[Kate7418]

After discovering my husband had cheated on me last year and our subsequent marriage break up, I have only recently entered the whirlwind of the dating apps.

I've met a really nice guy my age, and we arranged a first date. He had told me he was in management, works away a lot and has been divorced 6 years. Dating hadn't worked out as he couldn't meet anyone educationally on his wavelength
( he and I both have Master's degrees) or anyone who liked travelling as he does.

I have a low paid minimum wage job after bringing up my children, one of whom I am still the carer for ,as he is disabled.

We had a truly fantastic first date, and he revealed the extent of his job which is at executive level. He is very wealthy. But that means nothing to me as I am very much seeking that spark connection which we have in spades. We had coffees which he paid for then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair. I must admit that I was vague about my job but he knew I wasn't anywhere near his financial strata.

Anyway, he takes 5 star luxury holidays several times a year and he's looking for a relationship whereby his partner accompanies him, but she pays her half of the holiday. I can't possibly do that. I can't afford a caravan holiday currently and although we got on like a house on fire this whole holiday thing sounded like a deal breaker with him. I stupidly sat there and nodded my desire to accompany him on the holidays. At the end of the meal he asked how we were going to go about the bill. I found myself saying " I'll pick that up as you got the coffees earlier".

The upshot is that I spent £100 on the meal that I really didn't have and Im going to be really short the next few weeks as a result. I could kick myself. The thing is we got on so well, he's texting me, arranging another date and excited we've met. He mentioned that he was " glad the dating app game is now over" now he's met me. I feel equally happy but this dark cloud regarding finances is looming over me.

I suppose I'll have to come clean and watch him walk away. But we have such a good connection and I will be very sad to see him go, just because financially I'm not in his league.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

If he genuinely does have that lifestyle and is self funded then he has met many a woman who is intelligent he is love bombing you. I genuinely would like to know op though how you say his background checks out? I almost fell for an insta fraud so trust me I can spot a scammer a mile off at this point.

If he likes you it doesn't have to be the end. My oh is six figures, I work part time for 52k if he wants to do something I can't afford I say I can't afford it. If he wants me to go, he will pick up the difference.

I like the suggestion of a text by littlemousebigcheese as well.

If it were me, I'd be upfront and tell the truth. You think he's lovely but there's no point in pretending you'll be able to travel and enjoy luxuries to match his lifestyle. He has made it clear what he's looking for and you're not set up for that.
Whatever his feelings about it are up to him. It's only been one date and if it's a no go, now is the time to establish that.

Wow
What a catch,no wonder he can't wait to see you again
You paid for £100 meal , because he bought you a coffee..are you mad
He is no gentleman, letting you do that ,he's grabby and not nice at all

I agree with this.

But even if he isn’t a fantasist he is stingy and will not accept your very different circumstances.

Do you not realize how cruel and exploitative this jerk is?

And you honestly don’t see a problem with this?

He’s taking you for an absolute mug and you’re ok with it. He’s more than a bit stingy - he’s a tight arsed twat who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anyone but himself.

he paid for you because he wants you to help either his child, probably cheaper than professional help, and watches you struggle financially. What a prince he is!

I think @littlemousebigcheese response is brilliant.

I also think he was a bit shit for not picking up 50% of the meal bill, but that said sometimes wealthy people simply don’t ‘think’ about money like those of us who have to budget. I’ve got a friend like that, and because £100 isn’t anything her her, she sometimes forgets it will be a months disposable cash for me .

I think it's especially important that you tell him that you can't afford his lifestyle after covering a £100 bill "because you got the coffees".
You did give the impression you could afford it...or at least, that you wanted to impress him. I'm not having a go at you in saying that, I know how words can just tumble out on the spot, but now he's got a false idea of you. Whether he's genuine or an advantage-taking arse, stating your true position is the only way to proceed.

Dating hadn't worked out as he couldn't meet anyone educationally on his wavelength
This would be a death knoll for me. I'd find it really odd that anyone would discount a romantic relationship with a person because of their level of education. Some of the most intelligent people I know haven't got qualifications or left school at 16. I'd be really wary of anyone who valued education over intelligence.

My partner has an excellent job, is very intelligent and very well paid.
I used to have a good job but now work minimum wage because of dc and am totall skint. If I'd paid £100 for a meal I would be eating beans on toast for a month lol! But he has always just accepted my circumstances as they are because he likes me for me and has never made me feel lesser than him because I'm not.

I agree with other posters that he may be a scammer or a fantasist. I'd just be honest with him and his reaction should tell you all you need to know.

So much talk about his superior intellect/bank balance/found the ONE on a first date! How did you get a word in edgewise with him.

He's a walking red flag, toss him back in the sea.

Agree!

What they all said + what a cheapskate.

Flaunts his wealth but thinks two coffees = a meal?

Nah. He can fuck right off with his pretentious “elitist” vibes too. Love-bomber nutjob.

I agree with this. Something isn’t right. You don’t even know each other - I wouldn’t be impressed with somebody wanting me to agree to go on luxury holidays together when you haven’t even found out if you are compatible or enjoy doing normal day to day things at home.

FWIW, to show you where else the bar may be: when I met my now DH, I earned 6 figures no problem. He earned multiples what I did but nobody was poor or struggling.

I did not pay for a single thing. I mean, a single thing. Our first weekend away, when we checked out, I said “what do I owe you?” and he said “you don’t owe me anything”

Now, some posters will be all “oh a kept woman!” and the rest of it, but: the way he is treating you is a joke. You deserve more - at absolute minimum, you deserve an EQUITABLE, not equal, status.

If he's super wealthy and thinks you might be too perhaps the £100 meal wasn't something he thought worth splitting 50/50. I'd go on a second date and let him pick up the tab before you tell him that you aren't the high flyer he's looking for!

He sounds like a dick, surely he would of gathered from your job and that you have children you are not as wealthy as him and still let you pay all of it, I think he’s a bit delusional to think someone will be accompanying him on several 5* holidays a year and no doubt he’d be expecting you selfishly to go without your children and would want you to prioritise him! Please do start speaking up for what you want going forward , it ok to say you’re not in the position to holiday at the moment, if that makes you incompatible then so be it you dont want to feel you’re struggling to keep up and paying beyond your means, and only offer to pay half! keep any new dates more low key.
I think for this guy id just say you’re not feeling it don’t explain I doubt he would be kind anyway.

Some posters are suggesting you give this guy a second whirl but he doesn’t sound worth it to me. A man who says he hasn’t met anyone on his level - a man who thinks this claim will be attractive to a prospective partner - is clearly an arrogant prick.

He let you buy him a meal off the back of having bought you a coffee. Whatever he thought your level of wealth might be - he shouldn’t have agreed to that.

He’s not lovely - this is not how lovely men behave.

You’re just getting back in the game - you sound a bit vulnerable but you can treat this as a useful lesson learnt and hopefully be a bit tougher next time.

His comment about not being able to find anyone on the same intellectual level as him / educational level would have had me deleting him before it even got to this stage. That’s a horrible judgemental and ignorant attitude to have. Not everyone has the luck or life choices to be able to go to university. It doesn’t mean someone is stupid or less intelligent than those that do. For example, I was accepted into 5 top universities and ended up having to decline all of them because my Gran - who was like a mum to me and I lived with at the time - became suddenly terminally ill and I nursed her at home until she died. Am I somehow less intelligent than this absolute toad of a man? What an idiot.

And this whole £100 meal because he paid for a coffee! wtf! He’s so rude.

Totally agree.

This doesn’t sound like an amazing g date to me.

He bragged about what a catch he is and how no one up to his level (a line he probably uses every first date)

He droned on non stop about himself and his wonderful jet set life while he can offer (as long as his partner is willing to split the cost)

He let the OP pick up the full tab without any argument (couldn’t believe his luck)

He's love bombing and future faking (a well rehearsed and practiced script)

He sounds a self obsessed boring bragger who sprouts a complete load of bollocks to make himself sound like Billy Big Bollocks.

Personally I’d throw him back but if you do think he’s worth a second date OP, tell him your financial situation, sit back and let him pick up the whole bill.

@Kate7418

I’m coming back to this thread because I’ve just been walking the dogs and can’t stop thinking - he’s actually shady AF.
As a guy, there’s no way I’d let a woman pick up the tab for a first meal. 50/50 only if I was sure we wouldn’t have a second one…
Let’s assume he’s completely truthful - so we know he’s not a gentleman, or generous.
We both know by now (as will he) that OLD can be tortuous, there’s a lot of deceit, and most people will hold a lot of cards close to their chest until they really know someone. But this guy after 1 coffee and 1 meal is saying you are the special one, you’re the only one good enough for him, he’s off dating apps for good now. Just not in the real world…
And remember, the above is ‘best case scenario’ if he’s 100% legit.

Please be honest with him and don’t get yourself into financial trouble just to keep up. If he does walk away, then it shows the type of shallow person he is and it’s his loss.

I’m pretty sure if the op had said he’d offered to pay the whole bill and she’d accepted it she wouldn’t be getting the abuse this bloke is getting!