New relationship finance dilemma

[Kate7418]

After discovering my husband had cheated on me last year and our subsequent marriage break up, I have only recently entered the whirlwind of the dating apps.

I've met a really nice guy my age, and we arranged a first date. He had told me he was in management, works away a lot and has been divorced 6 years. Dating hadn't worked out as he couldn't meet anyone educationally on his wavelength
( he and I both have Master's degrees) or anyone who liked travelling as he does.

I have a low paid minimum wage job after bringing up my children, one of whom I am still the carer for ,as he is disabled.

We had a truly fantastic first date, and he revealed the extent of his job which is at executive level. He is very wealthy. But that means nothing to me as I am very much seeking that spark connection which we have in spades. We had coffees which he paid for then went out for a meal and I was very happy to split the bill as that is only fair. I must admit that I was vague about my job but he knew I wasn't anywhere near his financial strata.

Anyway, he takes 5 star luxury holidays several times a year and he's looking for a relationship whereby his partner accompanies him, but she pays her half of the holiday. I can't possibly do that. I can't afford a caravan holiday currently and although we got on like a house on fire this whole holiday thing sounded like a deal breaker with him. I stupidly sat there and nodded my desire to accompany him on the holidays. At the end of the meal he asked how we were going to go about the bill. I found myself saying " I'll pick that up as you got the coffees earlier".

The upshot is that I spent £100 on the meal that I really didn't have and Im going to be really short the next few weeks as a result. I could kick myself. The thing is we got on so well, he's texting me, arranging another date and excited we've met. He mentioned that he was " glad the dating app game is now over" now he's met me. I feel equally happy but this dark cloud regarding finances is looming over me.

I suppose I'll have to come clean and watch him walk away. But we have such a good connection and I will be very sad to see him go, just because financially I'm not in his league.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

He should have instantly said NO when you said you would pay for the meal as he had bought 2 coffees !

You seem to be attaching far too much importance to this bloke.

This isn't a "new relationship", you've been on a single date. You barely know the man, why would you get upset if he walked away at this stage, you know almost nothing about him.

Tell him the truth, and if he walks away he walks away, you'll meet someone else.

To be honest , a Gentleman with his wealth should have paid the full bill , he’s not a Gent ..
Fair enough any dates thereafter splitting bills as discussed…
First date, he should have been out to impress ..
He sounds stingy ..
I think you’ll meet a nicer guy than this ..
You’re still reeling aswel OP I’m sure from your marriage breakup 12 months ago , so may be giving the wrong guys your attention…
Be careful x

@Kate7418 but there is no real connection, is there?
He spent the evening talking about his job. Presumably didn’t ask you about your job.
He then talked about luxury holidays and presumably didn’t ask you about your recent holidays or travel expectations.

but you should never have sat there nodding your head at all these holidays, you should have found your words and reminded him that you also have children whom you pay for.

When I was single I went on a couple of dates with affluent men. I always offered and expected to pay but not one accepted. I think the only option you have is to tell him you can’t afford the holidays/lifestyle and wish him the best. Either way you’ll find out his game.

You reckon he'd be up for the children joining you on those holidays even if you could afford it?
I don't.

Whether it is just financial discrepancy, or the red flags already mentioned are real, either way this isn't going anywhere good. Up to you what you tell him, but I'd definitely call it a day.

"I enjoyed our date but I've realised I need to focus on myself and children a bit longer"

"I didn't want to spoil a nice date by saying at the time, but the lifestyle you described isn't realistic for me. I wish you all the best but I don't think we should see each other again"

"Your future planning is a big turn off, this isn't for me"

Doesn't matter 🤷‍♀️

That was my first thought too. Scammers often dangle wealth then the person on receiving end slowly gets stung for paying for things due to some emergency or other and promises of I’ll pay you back. Call his bluff for now OP and suggest a nice meal next time and let him pick up the bill at least before you part ways.

I’d block this one for his bad manners.

Harsh. Easy to say in hindsight. OP maybe caught of guard and only after thought of that.

He sounds like a massive, big headed, ego filled nobsack to me. I mean if the bloke is so well educated, rich and has such a fabulous personality and lifestyle he wouldn’t be on a dating app in the first place.

Be honest and tell him the truth. If he doesn't like it. He's not the one

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. This sounds perfect. I appreciate yiu taking the time to help me x

I’m going to hazard a guess he’s tight. That was outrageous letting you pick up the bill after a couple of coffees. I’d throw this one back. Not nice at all.

He sounds like a right prick. I know it's contentious on here but I never date any man who doesn't pick up the bills. I, like you am a carer for my disabled adult child and don't have much income. As a woman, I haven't been able to build a career as I've had children and other home responsibilities. Men I date and my current partner are always so much better off than me as they're men and have been building careers their entire lives. Add in the fact that it costs a lot for me before I am even out on a date with waxing, nails, make up, clothes etc. So no, I don't pay, even though I do have money. I'm low income but not poor at all.

My current partner just took me to the US. All paid for. He's American though and I think it's more in his culture for men to pay so it's easier with him. I keep my standards high and won't settle for some cheap-ass man.

I don't lose my independence or free-will just because a man bought me food, either.

First dates are a time to be honest, before you actually find out if you like each other that much to be in a relationship. Also the next few dates!

An expensive meal is a weird first date. But perhaps he was being super honest - he said exactly what he wanted. You didn't. And he may have been fleeced in the past.

Probably time to just tell him straight. Anyway, you have a child! Was he planning on holidays with you and your child?:) he doesn't sound very self aware tbh.

HE IS A SCAMMER

This is a really common scam.

He’s also probably married.

Splitting the bill awkwardness is one reason I avoid dinner as a first date - plus the thought of being stuck over 3 courses with someone I realised was a twat after 5 minutes 🤣

Though the times I have ended up having food, I’ve always offered to split and I’ve never met a man yet who accepts. Most men will insist on paying the bill

My boyfriend has a multi million pound business and I don’t have much spare cash. He wants me to go 50/50 on holidays etc. I just say no I can’t afford that when he says shall we do x.

We are going on one abroad holiday Monday- Friday this year, which I’m very excited about. I’m paying 50/50. He also asked if we could go abroad in October as his kids are away and I said I can’t afford it. The end. There was no drama. We are just not going. He has lots of well off friends he can go away with and does things like cycling holidays abroad so it’s not like he misses out if I can’t do things.

Also we are going away in the summer with my children and his children in the UK. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said no. He particularly wants me to go to this one because there are some complexities with his youngest child that he wants me to help with. I don’t mind helping but I can’t pay for this holiday and don’t care either way about going so he has booked and paid for that one and me and my kids are going and I’ll do all the cooking etc. He has paid because it’s in his interests for that particular holiday.
So it can work having very different financial situations although I do sometimes think that it’s not very nice he watches me struggle to get the cash together for our abroad holiday when he could just pay for it no problem. But then I think we don’t live together and we don’t share finances so it’s not really up to him to pay for me if he doesn’t want to. It’s funny because I never have new clothes, nails, hair, shoes or anything like that as I prioritise bills, what the kids need etc and there isn’t enough left over but he has specifically said he doesn’t care about things like that and he thinks they are a waste of money so maybe he doesn’t see me as struggling even though I do tell him.
I have paid for things for us both such as a New Year’s Eve night out he wanted to go on that I couldnt really afford in the past but I just dig my heels in now and say no to things I can’t afford. It never causes an argument but I do think he is a bit stingy. He would say he isn’t as he does take me out for meals sometimes.

finances can be very tricky in a relationship.

Yes this. And the fact he’s saying the dating game is now over based on one date. Ridiculous! You are understandably naive to this dating thing - but this is not the one! Swift exit required I promise you

There are soooooo many people with Masters and above - it's hardly niche!

I am notoriously fussy myself about finding someone on my intellectual wavelength, but you don't need a masters to prove it. There are a lot of right halfwits on my masters course! I just like people to be intelligent and curious. Not everyone is interested in completing degrees, even if they're capable.