What do you think about Other Women

[Keptawake]

Just wondering what your thoughts are about the type of people that get involved with married/taken people with families?

I’m asking because DP left me 2 months ago for another woman. They’d been seeing each other for about 3 months before he left (an emotional affair which turned into secret dates although he was “respectful” enough to not get physical until the day he walked out). We have 2 kids. She knew he had a family.

It goes without saying that I hate him for this but I’ve also spent the last couple of months raging at the type of woman who could knowingly get involved with and break up a family.

Am I justified in thinking good people don’t do things like this? This might seem like an obvious answer but I’m just feeling a bit low.

If it works out I know at some point I may have to be civil with her as a potential stepmum to my kids but I can’t help thinking that there is no way I want someone like that as a role model in my kids life.

Firstly, I am so sorry you went through this - it must be really raw. Totally understandable that you feel the way you do.

However, I know it's an unpopular opinion on here, but no, I don't judge the affair partner at all really (if they themselves are single). I think it's solely the responsibility of the cheating spouse if they choose to cheat on their marriage.

(Though interestingly, I spent some time single recently on a break from my partner and was "courted" by quite a number of married/partnered men and it was not something I would even contemplate doing - so though i don't blame men and women who do, it wouldn't be for me.....)

If left my husband when he affair became humiliatingly public. He is still with the OW. I dislike her as a person - she has appallingly right wing values according to my daughter - but I don't judge her for "breaking my marriage". My marriage was broken already, as I was with a man happy to cheat on me. In many ways she did me a favour. (And is reaping her rewards now, as he continues to cheat on her left, right and centre).

In a little while, when the pain settles, you will hopefully come to feel, like I did, that she didn't take anything or value from you........

Good luck.

Some women actively pursue married men. Some women don’t care that the man is married, because they want them for themselves, whatever the cost.

But why would you accept it? If a man told me he slept in the same house but a separate bed to his wife because his marriage was over and he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, I'd say "leave your wife, then we'll talk".

Because he is not available to pursue a relationship while he is married. That's what being married means.

The fact he lied about the state of his marriage doesn't change the fact the OW knew he was married and still chose to begin a relationship with him.

I think some people like to 'win' as in they catch them like a fish, i think they are messed up in the head but it happens

my friend told me about a gullible friend she had who actually believed that the married man she was having an affair with got his (supposedly estranged) wife pregnant whilst he was asleep and had no knowledge of intercourse having taken place(!)

People see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.

My friend is the other woman. But she doesn’t quite fit the profile. She’s incredibly geeky and very morally upright in all other ways. Her husband knows and turns a blind eye. Wife found out but now believes there’s nothing going on any more. He won’t leave her as he doesn’t want to destroy her. I think, genuinely, my friend and the husband feel a great connection, they just can’t be together, at least for now.

Best post is from @CrazyGoatLady. Women who get involved with married men are ordinary. Weak, selfish, capable of remarkably poor decisions, emotion-led, bored, choosing their own feelings over those of someone they’ve never met — like all of us are capable of in the right circumstances, whether it’s having an affair or something else.

💯 agree. So many men follow the same script that’s as old as time and yet women still choose to believe their bollocks.

If I met a man who said he was separated but still lived in same house my first question would be ‘does your wife know you’re not together any more?’

Depending on age, are there though?

I do take your point, but my recent experience was that darling apps are rammed full of married men by the time you get to over 40. All lying about it, of course. But in a very unsubtle way.

When I started to get the sense they were actually married, I would pretend that I wasn't going to judge them at all if they came clean, that I was fine with being an OW. Then they nearly all admitted it. Then I blocked!

But seriously, I wish I had kept count - pretty much every man I chatted to from the apps for any length of time this happened with. And I was also to an extent pursued by three married men or my aquaintance I considered platonic friends.

And I am not some head turning stunner. Pretty much average looks wise, not particularly well off....

I am of the opinion now that the proportion of married men trying to cheat is alarmingly high. It has certainly put me off making any serious commitment in the future!

A lot of people are married but separated.

Dating apps sorry.

The script would be that they’ve mutually agreed to split and the wife is happy for them to pursue separate lives.

I can tell you my experience as ‘the other woman’

i met this guy through my work (he worked for a different company and we had to cross over of colleagues) After a number of conversations it was obvious we got on very well. He started to ‘confide’ in me that his wife and him are separated, she had met someone else but they just need to sort the house out - he was working away from home for a block of a few months.

Anyway, fast forward a few months when his ‘estranged wife’ contacted me - turns out all this was a lie, they were still together.

However, she still blamed this all on me, vilified me around what an awful home wrecker I was etc etc. I can only imagine it’s easier to blame the other person involved than see what’s clearly in front of her, that her husband is an awful dishonest POS.

If he has been that dishonest to you OP, lying about where he has been etc, what makes you think he would be honest to his affair partner? He would have said whatever he needed to, how you’re estranged, hate each other, only together for the kids etc etc to carry on the new relationship.

If a man can be this dishonest, he will be that dishonest to everyone!

Nope plenty of women know that is 100% not the case.

Read any adultery forum, there are plenty of women who get off on knowing they are still having sex, that laugh and enjoy the "poor pathetic delusional wife" stuck at home with the kids and house while they are with their husbands.

It validates them, and gives them a sense of worth. Then let's not even get into the ones that get off on the sexual risk element.

They are perfectly happy to laugh their heads of at the abuse of other women.

Some women are absolutely also the victims of men just like their partners who genuinely don't know, but plenty are just as low value abusive people as the men they are fucking.

Exactly! Men who do this treat all women the same. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Sorry replied to wrong post

And what I thought after I realised what a vile POS he was and the fact he persuaded his wife he was the victim (and then subsequently had another affair!)?

Just thank god it isn’t me involved in that. These men are no prize, and the fact you have offloaded him on to someone else is a blessing in disguise, believe me!

Good people don’t get involved with married men. The end.

My friend's husband left her for a divorcee woman he'd met in a hobby group when their son was 5 years old. He married the OW.

My friend went on and on about cheating being the worst thing ever and then went nuts at another friend who started seeing a married man, telling her she was "doing to the poor wife what that slapper did to me."

Later though she started flirting with an endless stream of married men online including sharing naked pictures and videos and dirty talk. When I challenged her she said she doesn't care.

There was no point, she had made her mind up that he has been ‘pursued’ by me and the poor little lamb had no choice.

Equally, it sounded like she has had many years of his affairs and had been conditioned by him to believe it was never his fault - he had gaslit her for so many years she believed all these woman fell at her husbands feet, begging him to have an extra marital affair with him 😂

He was so manipulative he would text himself from another phone, saved as his wife’s number, discussing their ‘divorce’ to casually show me how awful his estranged wife was

Men that do this will never, ever change.

Other women is nothing.

the marriage was broken …

Yes they are. And if they are living fully separate lives, in different homes, just waiting for the divorce to come through or to be able to afford lawyers, that is easy to find out as the truth. And likely you won't need to be a secret.

If they are "separated" but still living together, just no longer sleeping together, staying together for the kids, it's been dead for ages we just haven't called it yet, she doesn't understand me anymore, there's no love left, <insert any other line from the cheaters script here>, you can't confirm it's true and therefore, shouldn't get involved. And if you have to be "discreet", that's probably because the marriage is not actually over.

People need to have some self respect when it comes to their own lives, and take accountability for their own choices. "Oh but he told me they hadn't slept together for years" is not a reason to hop into bed with a married man.

Agree with this so much. I don't get how anyone would be with someone who had little to nothing to do with their kids, let alone go and have a kid with someone like this. A crap father had even less morals than a cheating man.

@IShouldNotCoco " A lot of people are married but separated."

Separated can mean a lot of things

I date a guy once who was "separated".

I asked him if they lived in the same house - he said "no".
I asked him if his wife lived with anyone else - he said "yes", and she lived 50 miles away
I asked him if they were getting divorced he said "no".
By now I was getting suspicious so I asked him why not. He said "he would lose out financially"
I pressed him a bit more and it turned out his wife was dying of a degenerative neurological disease in a specialist nursing home. She was being paid for by the NHS,
If they got divorced the matrimonial home he lived in would have to be sold and the nursing home would expect a contribution from the proceeds of the sale.

I was so appalled I couldn't speak. I just walked out of the pub we were in and left him sat there.

I can well understand this. Interesting you should post that as I can totally see how having an affair with someone married would feel like a solution for a commitment phobic person or someone coming out of a bad relationship.

I really feel that a person should always end a relationship properly before getting into a new one, be honest and don’t cheat but sometimes relationships can take so so long to unravel. Especially if there are children.
There is no easy way out. No matter what way you try to end it, it’s wrong.
An affair is like a grenade.

Also agree with the above, some women don’t actually want a relationship, don’t want to be tied down, so a married man is perfect for that scenario. Mostly affairs are between starving people, not star crossed lovers.

There are also people who think they love someone and just want them and don’t care or even think about anyone else. Bad idea.