What do you think about Other Women

[Keptawake]

Just wondering what your thoughts are about the type of people that get involved with married/taken people with families?

I’m asking because DP left me 2 months ago for another woman. They’d been seeing each other for about 3 months before he left (an emotional affair which turned into secret dates although he was “respectful” enough to not get physical until the day he walked out). We have 2 kids. She knew he had a family.

It goes without saying that I hate him for this but I’ve also spent the last couple of months raging at the type of woman who could knowingly get involved with and break up a family.

Am I justified in thinking good people don’t do things like this? This might seem like an obvious answer but I’m just feeling a bit low.

If it works out I know at some point I may have to be civil with her as a potential stepmum to my kids but I can’t help thinking that there is no way I want someone like that as a role model in my kids life.

That's the thing. I fundamentally believe they both are terrible people. Them "falling in love" doesnt mean they aren't terrible people.

The way you speak about your friend v the OW is interesting. Your friend was the victim of both of their behaviours yet your post holds more judgement of her and the trauma and damage they caused than for them having caused it.

You don't actually know they are very happy. No one does, any more than they know how you feel about your life at an intrinsic level. You know what they display to the world, big difference.

OP, it might help you to listen the The Affair podcast with Anna Williamson, particularly the episodes featuring Other Women.

They are gullible, desperate and deluded. They tell themselves all sorts of lies to pretend that their 'partner' is not an entitled lying git who will lie to them just as easily.

They constantly come out with the line of 'you can't help who you fall in love with' - but you can easily see they have no idea what love is, because real love can walk away. You can love someone from a distance if it crosses a moral boundary. Lust and need cannot do that.

These are people who are so lacking in self-respect and self-love that they need that from outside, at any cost to their morals. Entitled and shady men can easily prey on these sorts of women. They are getting someone who needs them, and that can be more attractive to a man like this than someone who loves them.

Yes, sometimes it will work. But until the day they die they know what he's capable of. Whenever someone comes on these threads citing their happy marriage of 30 years after cheating, I think 'yeah, but his wife didn't know he was cheating with you either, did she'?

The gulllible and desperate self-delusion doesn't necessarily end when the wedding ring goes on.

I'm further down the line than you'd but I'd like to shake her hand. She did me a huge favour which I couldn't see at the time. They didn't last but I met someone far better and have never been happier.

Goodness it’s hard to see it now but I hope one day I can get to this place!

Truthfully, I don’t think women care.
I know this goes against the view society trys to present about women being kind and caring blah blah blah but reality paints a very different picture.
Lots of women happily shag married men. Lots of them. Off the top of my head I can think of 2 women who are happily married to their once married with children husbands. Both men were married when the affairs started. Both women were aware but are happy to accept the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ line.
Look at how many women shack up with men who have zero involvement with their children. They happily accept the ‘my ex was a controlling bitch who stopped me from seeing my children, oh woah is me’ line. Yet these same women seem surprised when the same thing happens to them.
Equally I know of many women whose husbands had affairs and proceeded to marry the ow. None of these women were bad people, just married to horrible men who betrayed them.
Lots of people don’t have morals. They will go all out to justify their actions. It’s easier that way.
They see what others have and they don’t mind taking it.

Does the word married mean something different are women not intelligent enough to know the definition?

And separately the idea you can't help falling in love with someone as in married or not but will people willing fall in love with their their father or brother a child abuser, convicted rapist just as easy?

Yes some people do delude themselves they are but they are just as warped

From the other side of the coin, I have been the other woman when I was much younger (aged 22) and ironically I did it because I didn’t want any kind of commitment from anyone and I thought the safest bet was to go with someone who was already committed to somebody else. I was tired of meeting men who wanted to try and pin me down, to try and stop me living the life, to try and make me “theirs” etc and so I decided a married man was the best option because although I could meet someone who I really liked and would enjoy spending my time with and getting to know them etc, I would never have to tie myself to him.

I know now how ridiculous that sounds, but at the time my insane young brain thought it was a simple solution to my problem.

That was over 20 years ago now.

I think when it comes to OW, although the man is the one who caused the betrayal but it’s completely normal to feel so much rage and hatred towards the OW too.

Agree 100. Sadly I do have kids with thr fw. Im sure one day he will ask the kids to meet her. Ive told my children shes an awful person with no morals and as their mum ite my job to protect them from awful people as much as I can. I meqn ehwt sort of women buys sweets for the kids of the man shes sleeping with. Manipulative for sure
I'll prevent it as long as I can and when he does ask, I'll be doing both clare and Sarah's law application on the bitch
I won't let just anyone into my children's lives, esp as they are autistic, they are very easily led.

I agree that just because the affair couple stay together that doesn’t prove anything. There will be tremendous pressure to prove to everyone just how much they love each other. One of the couples I mentioned is forever posting about how much he loves his wife. Yet his dcs have stopped all contact with him and the new wife and I know he is gutted about that.
I have a friend who’s dh left her for the ow. The ow became pregnant and he admitted once when drunk that he really did not want another child but what could he do.
My relatives ex has split several times from the ow and has said he didn’t get on with his new step children. Again they are still together presenting a united front to the outside world. Lots of pressure to stay together.

@Helpmeplease2025 Someone that lies and cheats on his wife is deceitful. Lying isn't something people do as a one off. Maybe he won't cheat on you. But he'll lie about other stuff. Nice basis for a life-partner.

1- Men lie and not every coupe are married.

2- WTH has incest got to do with this…

As the other woman knew about you and your family, I think it is okay to judge what she did and have a good bitch about her whenever you feel like it to your friends/family etc. Yes, your ‘D’H did the cheating but she wasn’t some innocent party. Even if he told her it was all but over, she should’ve waited for it to clearly be the case. If someone is still in the family home, there’s a good chance they are still in the marital bed. I think a lot of people believe what they want to hear.

I also think emotionally immature married men with young kids can be such easy targets - show them a bit of attention and they can’t help themselves. Why talk through your problems with your wife when you can just have sex with someone who tells you you’re amazing. It’s depressing but no reflection on you, OP. Having a rough patch doesn’t excuse cheating. A braver, better man would’ve told you he wasn’t happy before acting on anything.

As you’ve mentioned in a couple of posts, the important thing is now your kids. Their world is about to change and I think it’s totally fair for you to calmly explain to your husband as many times as necessary that he is going to have to spend many many years showing them that he didn’t abandon them. That he didn’t choose the OW (plus any future kids) over them. I know a friend who also spoke to the OW (right after it all came out) very calmly about what her 4 children would need from her every other weekend, what they liked to eat, what one of the kid’s sleep needs were (cosleeping most nights) etc. Shock horror, the younger OW didn’t quite foresee herself being a very involved new step mum of 4 kids and the new relationship imploded. The husband came went back to my friend and eventually they got back together (not what I’d do!)

Agree wjth rhjs. Looking back my ex came home all happy he had received a compliment. I think it was her. He later asked for her number...then it started. I mean their 1st date was in a weathespoons pub so that says ot all really.
When I caught them..I told her some home truths...yes we still have sex, we booked a night away for his birthday, and we were planning summer holiday...she sat there opened mouthed. Still with him despite me telling her the truth
Ow belive what they wqnt to believe
In my case she js welcome to the lying cheating scumbag. I even told her thwt he swore on the kids lives he wasnt cheating.. her own fault now.

I don’t disagree with what you say in general but I don’t think it’s as black and white as that.

We both agree actively perusing and meeting with a man who you know is ‘happily married’/has a partner is not cool.

Getting involved with someone who says he’s separated isn’t same and in an ideal world they should run for the hills for their own sake more than anything else. I assume it’s because they believe his shight

This is on him. Not her. Don't play the victim and make her the villain - it's easy to do. But really,you're better than that. Sonetimes these things just aren't as black and white as you want them to be.

There's millions of single men out there. Why go for one who is taken?

If they are not living separately, for me it's as black and white as leave it alone. You can't confirm they aren't together, you don't touch that situation with a barge pole. Doesn't matter what is said, go with what can be confirmed.

Happily married or unhappily married, it doesn't matter. Married is married and you don't get involved with one of that partnership. Because you cannot know that you're not being lied to and you cannot know they're unhappy unless you're one of them.

No longer married and living apart is incredibly different to living together and "unhappy".

It is on him. But she knew, she chose to pursue a relationship, she's not an innocent party.

I think anyone - man or woman - who knowingly enters into an affair with a married person has absolutely no morals or standards.

I mean why would a partner who is a proven cheat and liar be such a catch?

I don’t agree with the ‘they owe you nothing’ mindset either. As a society, surely we should be basically decent human beings and treat others with respect?

The cheating spouse is obviously responsible for breaking up the family and deserves all the scorn they get but the AP also needs to be held accountable for their poor morals.

The man is of course the worst one in a cheating situation but don't we ll have a bit of loyalty to other people not to participate in causing them great hurt? I wouldn't do whatever I wanted to people and blow up their loves just because I didn't know them so didn't owe them anything.

All these people saying "she doesn't owe you anything" either absolutely would blow up some strangers life because they wanted what they had, or are supremely confident it could never be them being hurt.

That could happen but IME "leopards don't change their spots".

Cheaters all have the same characteristics - poor coping mechanisms, entitlement issues, are conflict avoidant and lack empathy.

They will take these characteristics with them into the next relationship.

Don't forget that if they stay together they will each have a cheat and a liar for a partner.

I was horrified at my old flatmate. Still remember the excruciation of making small talk with her bosses wife who had just had their third baby knowing full well her Dh was frequently at our flat shagging my flatmate. Dreadful.

It’s on both of ‘em. It takes two to tango.

Men lie to the OW. They say that their marriage is over, they don’t have sex, they sleep in different beds.

The bad person is the one who breaks their marriage vows and lies both to their wife and the affair partner.