What do you think about Other Women

[Keptawake]

Just wondering what your thoughts are about the type of people that get involved with married/taken people with families?

I’m asking because DP left me 2 months ago for another woman. They’d been seeing each other for about 3 months before he left (an emotional affair which turned into secret dates although he was “respectful” enough to not get physical until the day he walked out). We have 2 kids. She knew he had a family.

It goes without saying that I hate him for this but I’ve also spent the last couple of months raging at the type of woman who could knowingly get involved with and break up a family.

Am I justified in thinking good people don’t do things like this? This might seem like an obvious answer but I’m just feeling a bit low.

If it works out I know at some point I may have to be civil with her as a potential stepmum to my kids but I can’t help thinking that there is no way I want someone like that as a role model in my kids life.

I was the 'other woman' once. I was in a horribly abusive relationship and a really toxic situation. Affair partner was kind, supportive and loving. However, it turned out his horrific marriage was all lies and he was absolutely just having his cake and eating it. He was a serial cheat. I believed him at the time though. So there's that to consider.

I think it is too black and white to say all OWs are bad people. Relationships end. It’s much easier to walk away when you have something to walk to. Yes people cheat, but they rarely cheat when their relationship is happy. Often the person left behind hasn’t realised how unhappy the relationship has become but they are pretty much always happier eventually.

My stance on it is that the married person cheating is way worse than the other woman - but the other woman should still take some responsibility and I think it’s ok to think poorly of the woman who has made that choice to knowingly be with a married man. I know a woman who only ever seems to have relationships with married men. Her facebook statuses are always “it’s complicated” and she has never been openly public with a boyfriend the entire time I gave known her. It’s always very shady and nothing is ever confirmed, she never brings boyfriends to meet her friends and does all kinds of shady stuff to cover up the fact that she sleeps with married men. I used to be close to her but found her behaviour pretty appalling, but she works closely with a good friend of mine who also knows her current married man, so I hear about her escapades all the time. While she hasn’t made any vows to anyone, in society we do have responsibilities towards each other even as strangers. It’s just common decency to not sleep with someone you know is married, and if the OW is foolish enough to fall for the cliche “we never have sex, we only stay together for the kids” lines then more fool them. Everyone with a brain cell knows that’s absolute bullshit. The woman I know is now approaching 50, has no kids and can’t be public with someone I assume she cares about. I know not everyone wants kids or to be in a relationship and I understand that and support women being able to make those choices, but if she did want those things, then by prioritising men who are married and don’t leave their wives, she’s lost the opportunity to have her own family or a romantic relationship where she is the priority.

Exactly, I never wanted anything from him long term and we never, ever spoke about his marriage or his wife.

I didn’t know her name, I didn’t know what she looked like, I didn’t know what her age was, I didn’t know what she did for a living, I don’t know how long they’d been married for etc and I had no desire to know either.

I knew he couldn’t have been happy with his wife otherwise he wouldn’t have been having an affair with me, but I never asked about his home life or why he was unhappy in his marriage, it was all kept completely separate from what we were doing. I

I don’t think so, There are no single men.

Every one of them has one (or two) irons in the fire at all times.

I think it’s more complicated than that, though the OW in your case might not be particularly nice.

I think in reality sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person. It really depends on the circumstances of the affair I think. Often there are feelings of guilt and remorse and rejection going on for the OW too - she is probably comparing herself to you! Often the OW is asking herself why she isn’t enough.

By no means am I saying you should feel sorry for her. But having been in both positions in my life (the OW and the cheated on) I can say that if both women sat down and talked they’d probably realise they had a lot in common.

Bottom line for me is this - no one ‘belongs’ to anyone else and we can’t treat people like commodities. Marriages only last if two people want to stay married. And as much as it might hurt to be left, you can’t keep someone because they made vows however many years ago. People grow and change and sometimes that means they grow apart and unfortunately fall out of love. Focusing on the OW or OM is probably just a way of dealing with the pain of rejection and endings.

So being unfaithful, betraying the one person you’ve promised to love and cherish, is actually doing them a favour? Errr, big fat nope.
Yes, relationships end, people fall out of love, no one is forced to stay in a relationship. But anyone with an ounce of moral decency ends the relationship before shagging someone else. There is no world in which the difficult conversation of “I no longer want to be with you” is improved by the addition of the fact that you are also shagging someone else.
But you summed it up yourself, it’s “easier” for THEM, not the person they are leaving, them. Totally selfish.

My ex husband is onto his 5th wife..( l was his second ) he was definitely divorced when l met him ( through my cousin.. who tried to warn me he cheated on his first wife).. he cheated on me.. l tried to warn her.. obviously she wouldn't listen.
He then cheated on her and left her.. this happened two more times...don't know where he is now.. non of his family or friends do.
But each time the new wives friends all say they have a good one in him.. ( very charming.. can lie his way through life.. good at making money... but a serial cheater .. he hasn't seen our daughter for 16 years .. never met his Grandson.
Takes two.
I'd never ever do to another woman what l had done to me.
I'm 66 now.. been single for absolutely ages.. I've got lovely grown up daughters.. great Grandkids n wonderful family and friends.
Sending love.

I don’t think there are too many men who get involved with OW and proclaim their lives to be happy and blissful. They will often paint a very bad picture which the OW will use to justify why what she is doing is not so bad. And the couple will often bond over this idea that what they have is something special and unique, unlike what he has already. It’s hard to accept that someone else has taken advantage of a weak spot in your relationship.

Its nice and comforting to think that a cheater is always a cheater and the OW is making her own bed but sometimes long and happy relationships are born out of affairs.

Sorry OP. The best revenge is to be happy
somehow.

What does happy/unhappy mean? If your life is restricted or stressful because you have to deal with the responsibilities of bringing up children, is that a relationship failure? If you have to share your partner's attention with your children? Will your partner be more happy because they discover that you were actually a bit of a git? Is it a gift to let them know that they weren't actually part of a team?

Some men just like having affairs, because it's an exciting escape from their routine and it boosts their ego. People do many of things for no other reason than it brings them pleasure at the time.

Oddly I know a few 2nd wives who started out as the OW.

One is quite naive (even though academically very gifted), he was very big deal in their industry, she always seems slight in awe of him. I think she was flattered he noticed her, but I didn’t meet her until they’d been officially together for about 5 years, so not sure just how exactly the affair/split happened.

The others have been quite competitive women. A man who is married is a challenge and a prize. Some times it also is low confidence, but it’s always not seeing the wife as their equal.

I don’t think it’s as simple as saying all OW are awful. I’ve never been one & don’t ever intend to be due to having been cheated on more than once. However, I think there is a difference between serial cheaters & those that fall in love with someone else who isn’t single & perhaps aren’t single themselves. It’s messy & damaging to those involved but I think those people can still have good qualities. I think the person in the relationship is mostly to blame.

You didn't know he couldn't have been happy with his wife. You knew absolutely jack shit other than he wanted to have sex with you.

People can be absolutely happy with what their partners bring to their life. They just want to have sex with other people.

It's a reflectional on them. Not their partner and even less so the person they are having sex with.

Honestly, in your situation, you can hate who you like. Obviously, your husband should have been loyal to you and he is the one that made the marriage vows and then broke them. However, the affair partner's behaviour is horrible too as she knew he was married with children and she obviously wanted him to leave his wife and children to be with her. If hating her makes you feel better, hate away. Sometimes, being the better person and turning the other cheek is overrated.

I knew he couldn’t have been happy with his wife otherwise he wouldn’t have been having an affair with me

Or perhaps he was very happy to have a wife to cover his domestic needs and a 22 year old mistress with no strings attached.

I think every situation is different. Sometimes people stay in a miserable marriage and it's meeting someone else that gives them the impetus to finally leave.

But the lies that are caused by the affair damage the person being lied to for a long time. If they loved the person like they claimed to then they should leave if they aren’t happy, not line up the next one & only leave when totally sure. I understand that people don’t want leave as they don’t know the impact on the DC but if the results is leaving anyway isn’t it better to leave without all the sneaking around & lies first.

I hope you get there too. I didn't see it coming. I just knew I deserved someone who loved me completely and messaging another woman meant I wasn't able to trust him again. It was over a year before I thought about trying to meet someone else. I think I'm actually happier than he is and it's because of him we separated.

I don’t really understand the rush to let the OW off the hook .. she owes you nothing etc. how about behaving like a decent person .. people’s bar’s are so low. I really would have a low opinion of anyone who would have an affair with a married man .. it doesn’t detract from the fact he is a scum bag too but this whole mantra of she didn’t make a commitment to you is deeply annoying.

No one ever condemned the woman my ExH left me for. Left me financially broken with 3 small children one of whom was very ill.
Society utterly condemned me as a single mother in 90s Britain. Desperately poor. Nothing like the support there is now.

Your comments on no one belonging to any one else has absolutely nothing to do with affairs.

I find it fascinating the lengths that people go to romantise the thought process surrounding them.

And no they don't have more in common than they think.

One person has informed free agency and consent of their life. The other doesn't.

One is highly pre disposed to experiencing significant trauma as a result of the situation and the other isn't. Two name just a few differences.

I can't think of any other circumstances were women fall over themselves to justify the potential for trauma and abuse of another woman than when it comes to affairs and the resulting harm of men's actions and absolution of women's.

Totally agree with this. A person’s marriage is their own responsibility. The only exception to this is if the married person is particularly vulnerable and is genuinely taken advantage of by the other person involved in the affair. Examples that spring to mind include the married person being very very young and the affair partner being much older, and there being an abusive dynamic, or the married person having mental or physical health problems that make them very vulnerable. If my husband was in the vicinity of fifty naked women all trying to seduce him and he chose to cheat, the damage to our marriage would be on him, not on them. There are a number of reasons I wouldn’t have a relationship with a married man (including, as many have said, that he would be proving himself to be fundamentally untrustworthy in the process); however, I don’t buy into the ‘homewrecker’ narrative, which I think is a trope that damages all women as it deflects responsibility from the man who made and broke the marriage vows by setting women up in opposition to one another.

I disagree , her actions contributed to the break up of a family regardless of what he told her, to me she is equally to blame.
Any decent person male or female should avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is in the process of leaving a marriage /ltr especially with kids involved, in an ideal world obviously 🙄
Why on earth add yet more drama into an already shit situation.
So in response to your question i don't think much of 'other women'.

@Whatado I disagree that the other woman doesn't suffer trauma as a result of affairs with a married man. I know someone who tried to kill herself because she felt she wasn't good enough and he was having his cake and eating it. I'm not romanticising or excusing it. She clearly had self worth problems.

That may well be true, and if it was true then that’s fine. In my eyes, it was never about anything more than just having fun. His motivations or reasons behind our affair were of no concern to me. I was just enjoying my life and he was part of that. His marriage issues (or non-issues) were of no concern of mine.

When I ended things though he told his wife about us anyway and they obviously split up, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a happy marriage otherwise he wouldn’t have told her.