What do you think about Other Women

[Keptawake]

Just wondering what your thoughts are about the type of people that get involved with married/taken people with families?

I’m asking because DP left me 2 months ago for another woman. They’d been seeing each other for about 3 months before he left (an emotional affair which turned into secret dates although he was “respectful” enough to not get physical until the day he walked out). We have 2 kids. She knew he had a family.

It goes without saying that I hate him for this but I’ve also spent the last couple of months raging at the type of woman who could knowingly get involved with and break up a family.

Am I justified in thinking good people don’t do things like this? This might seem like an obvious answer but I’m just feeling a bit low.

If it works out I know at some point I may have to be civil with her as a potential stepmum to my kids but I can’t help thinking that there is no way I want someone like that as a role model in my kids life.

In our case we were just recovering from a rough patch. I think there is a strong chance that if she wasn’t there our recovery wouldn’t have been derailed. Yes perhaps it might have just happened with someone else but I guess we will never know now.

Again, I am not blaming her more than DP but she’s obviously instrumental.

So you would want a man to stay with you due to lack of options, rather than because he actually wants to be with you? I can’t see that leading to a good outcome.

Unfortunately, men rarely leave until they have someone else lined up. No idea why, it’s just what they do.

I don’t think that a ‘cheater’ is a specific type of man either. I think that almost any man who wants to leave a relationship will cheat (i.e. the vast majority will find someone else before leaving). Especially if we are including ‘emotional’ affairs here.

No. But I think that would force any man attempting to cheat to exit the marriage, if he truly wanted to move on. Or at the very least, just not cheat on his wife, even if they’re still having issues. It would spare her that additional pain.

Women generally either make men’s lives easier by being in them (sharing income, doing housework and childcare for them, increasing their social status, providing sex, etc.) or make it difficult for them to exit a marriage (having to divide assets, arrange custody, pay alimony/child support, etc.)—often both. So they’ll mentally check out of the relationship and get over their wives way before separation/divorce, which is why they can line up a new partner or seemingly move on so quickly afterwards.

I think a lot of OWs, like cheating men, can just ignore reality. The affair partners are in their own magical little bubble- their 'great love' is the only reality to them and they keep it in a secret compartment.

Very strange, not something I could ever do, but it does happen.

When I was single I wouldn't have contemplated a married man with or without children. Basically, I thought they were pathetic on the odd occasion they propositioned me. As for a married man with children, the thought of child support and his darling children being there every weekend would have sent me screaming in the opposite direction. I think OW are not particularly clever or don't have many options. I particularly remember the married man who was old enough to be my father and who was neither rich nor good-looking and who genuinely expected I would leave with him.

I don't judge. I think there are some pretty shitty situations, like a recent thread on here with the husband and the best friend who lived down the road, but generally I think an affair can be more that that. More often, it can be a genuine connection with another person, often the person will be in an unhappy relationship in the first place. I don't think the majority of cases there was a happy, fullfilling and the wife has been blindsighted and I don't think the majority of "OW" purposely seek out other people's husbands to have sex with.

I had a flatmate who shagged marrried men. She got a kick out of it. We were all very young early twenties. A wife rang her up once and she was really horrible to the wife. Funnily enough we aren’t still in touch! She’s been divorced herself at least once I think. She thought it was funny and proved she was better/sexier than the wives.

Another work colleague discovered her new boyfriend had a long term partner and child. She genuinely didn’t know as he had lied and lied. She was really upset and dumped him immediately. She was gutted as thought they were soul mates. She wasn’t the easiest person but ii was impressed with how she handled that.

If it wasn't her, he would've just cheated on you with someone else. Like PP he had already checked out.

If someone’s fidelity is based on half the population refusing to sleep with them, rather than their wish to be faithful, then their fidelity is utterly worthless.

Well said 👏

We all know the man is at fault here, but I think they are despicable in putting themselves in a position whereby they are breaking up a family. They are creating emotional trauma for children and for that I find them extremely emotionally unintelligent and a role model of no consequence or worth.

Tbh going after married people is like applying to a job.
You know other people need bills to get payed and children to be fed...but you still apply and do not think about them.
It is on your partner to navigate it and say no.
I would obviously hate OW but rational part of me would know she just went after what she wanted.

My ex cheated wjth a women who had children. She was meant to be a carer for work. Not a very caring person in my book. While they were having an affiair and he was calling me mad paranoid and encouraged me to change my medication..he was brining home sweets that a 'man ' from work had got my autisic children...it was her buying MY kids sweets ffs. How sick is that. The ow isn't some innocent who had the wool pulled over her eyes. Both equally selfish. Yes he made the marriage vowels but she was involved. He couldn't cheat by himself.
It isn't naivety only. It's stupidity and selfishness. They only think about what they want not the hurt they cause to the wife and children. My boys are in counselling. He doesnt even ask how they are. Its only because i send him the reports. He does play the look what a great dad i am game though with his 1 hour a week he bothers to see them.

both of the.sneaking around probably laughing at the wife makes me feel sick tbh
Ive had men try their luck with me..moaning about their 'awful wives' . IF that is true then they should leave.. if they dont leave then then they're lying as it isn't that awful. Either way the cheating person is pathetic and I value myself and my own life enough not to do that me..and certainly not another woman. Neither party have any morals.

Im 4 months out since catching my scummy ex in a carpqrk qt 5am. Still use chat gpt. Also check put frank qnd brenda chat . They're great too

Used to detest them, now I think they're just losers to be pitied tbh. There's one at work who's other half left his wife and new born baby for her and she broke off her engagement. She did the most ludicrous display for years of how good and normal and happy their relationship was and he tried to come across as a decent guy who 'just fell in love' too. I knew it was going down hill when she started being a bitch to her staff, losing her temper, shouting at people and then what do you know, she takes a week off to move out of their home saying she 'should have known when we left his wife and new born what he was like'...erm you DID know you just thought it wouldn't happen to you. Honestly they deserved each other and it was always going to happen.

No according to the statistics. 2nd marriages from an affiar and a low likelihood of success..even less when on a 3rd marriage. The way I see it.. they dont regret it..they regret getting caught. Everyone knows the pain it would cause the other person AND they still do it....that isn't normal behaviour. Its almost psychopathic to have no empathy or feelings towards someone you claimed to have once loved.

No disrespect hut this is an awful comparison, people aren't entitled to just go for what they want as though it's akin to professional ambition. We also have to work mostly, people don't have to get into a relationship at all.

Men will say that even if it isn't true.
I still had sex with my husband and he still cheated...of course he will tell her thwt we didnt..it's the narrative they churn out for all to hear. If they say it enough they believe it and thrn it justifies their cheating. Cheaters are really sick fucked up people.

Ha..love this. Karma.

Congratulations on the most ridiculous post.
Not getting a job you were an applicant for doesn't mean you end up with ptsd, stress of divorce, losing your home, dealing with crying children who need counselling and suicidal thoughts. Anyone with a shredder of decency woild understand the pain they are involved in and not get involved. I've had attractive married men come on to me and I couldve done it but I didnt..why? Well i was married and I wouldn't want to be part of causing incredible pain to another woman..

What I think often happens is simple - sex
most couples go through a period ( especially when the kids are young of being tired and not much sex
men often feel resentment that they are no longer the women’s main attention and get plenty of sex
so they seek attention elsewhere often with someone they know in there friendship circle or from work

however the ow tends to be younger and often child free so they have much more energy and time for sex and treating the man like the god he thinks he is 😂
so the guy jumps ship

unfortunately he’s to thick to realise that pretty much the same shit that caused him to jump ship from his wife will happen again with his shiny new energetic girlfriend once they have a few kids only probably quicker because at mid thirties if she wants kids her age could be an issue so he’s often left because of the boredom of marriage and kids
gets a bit of freedom for maybe 2 years then he’s right back where he started or rather left

honestly think yourself lucky you have got rid of a thick entitled asshole

I think anyone (man or woman) who knowingly gets involved with a married person / person with a family, should be ashamed of themselves.

If I were in your situation, DH knows he'd be out and never coming back because it'd be his choice to have gone off with someone else. But unless he'd been lying to her too, she's also behaved badly. Just not as badly towards me as he has.

Either they have low self esteem and get swept up in this we are meant to be together romanticised version of the affair.
Or he didn’t let on he was married until she was falling for him. (Still not a good reason to dump his ass tho)
Or she’s a see what she wants person, doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process.

Anyways she’s saddled herself with a man who has half an eye out for a better offer. She’s not won in this scenario.

IMO the onus is on him not her in these situations. The partner/husband is the one that made a commitment to his spouse and he’s the one that’s betrayed the trust not the OW.

I think you can’t help who you fall for and in the early stage where is exciting etc it would be hard to walk away from something that makes you feel good and to put a strangers feelings above your own.

I agree morally it’s not nice, but morals are a social construct and if you look in other areas of life, we wouldn’t be expected to put a strangers needs above our own. An example would be going for a job interview. If you sat chatting to a single mother who was saying how much she needs this job etc, you wouldn’t be expected to step aside. I don’t believe the whole ‘they have low self esteem’ reason that I keep seeing on here either. They may do but that’s not what makes someone get with a married man. Humans are selfish by nature, it’s simple as that.

It doesn’t happen in isolation either. They become close emotionally and then the feelings start and that’s when it would be hard to come back from the OW point of view. This is why I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DH making ‘new’ female friends because this kind of stuff happens all the time. Thankfully he feels the same.

Having said that, I think the OW are fools if they get in to a relationship with these men because if they can do it to their wives then they can do it to the OW. I would judge the man and think how disrespectful he is and certainly not a catch, though I suspect many of them give a different rendition of family life to make it sound like the wife doesn’t like him etc and he’s the victims. More fool the OW for believing his BS.

I wouldn’t want to be best friends with the OW but if a man can cheat on his partner then he’s the cu*t and the one I’d be raging at, not the OW. I’d be indifferent to her really as she doesn’t owe me anything