Am I being dramatic?

[Serenity21]

Hi all,
so I was single for 10 years after some pretty awful relationships. I met someone over a year ago and things were good. A few red flags at times which I’ve put down to me looking for things.
On Sunday we went out for drink. It was going great until at the end of the night he took my phone into the toilets and read some of my messages between myself and my best friend. There was something written in there about a friend of mine (who I have slept with years ago, which he knows about and was tears before I met him). All that was written was a joke about me having some of his gym stuff in my garage (which I don't!) I don't talk much to this guy anymore, even though he has been one of my best friends for years, as after my boyfriend found out we had slept together in the past he wasn't happy. His reaction on Sunday night was extreme.
He didn't say anything at first, we just left the pub with him actually a bit strange.
He went to buy food and wouldn't let me wait outside for him, he said 'no, you're coming with me' and pulled me in. We walked down the busy road with lots of people about, him still holding my hand.
When there was no one about anymore he threw my hand away from him and confronted me about the message. I told
him it was a joke but he continued getting angry. He threw his food across the path demanding to know if I still spoke to this guy. I told him 'not really, but that he was still my friend: This is where he lost it. He started shouting at me, calling me a bitch, a c*nt, and a slag': Telling me that we were over. I walked away and told him to walk home and that I'd follow behind.
He apologised a lot and so I started walking with him again. Then he lost it again. He walked ahead and started kicking the metal bollard over and over.
He turned and started walking quickly towards me. I started walking backwards and he said 'yeah you can run' I put my arm out to push him back but he grabbed my arm and started turning me, where I lost my balance and started to fall. I managed to get away and I ran. I hid for a while and he tried calling me about 40 times. I answered and told him I'd be home in a bit. He text me to say he had packed my things and put them in my car.
When I got back he was sat crying. He asked me if there was a way back from
this and I said no. I put his key on the table and I walked away to the front door.
He threw a pint glass against the wall in the room he was in and it smashed everywhere. I went back in to check on him but he told me to get out so I did. I waited in the hallway. I could hear him shouting to himself and smashing things up. He was saying I was manipulative, that I ruined his life and that I deserved the abusive relationships that I'd been in in the past. Things went quiet for a few minutes and then started again so I went back in to tell him someone would call the police if he wasn't quiet. I told him I heard what he said about the fact I deserved the abuse I've had in the past and he laughed. Hysterically laughed and said that I was even making that about me. He then threw his belt across the room and said 'I can't even kill myself properly' and went on to tell me how he had just tried to hang himself with the belt when I left. I ended up staying as I was scared to leave him. In the morning he was very sorry and full of remorse. He said that he tried to hang himself because he knew I couldn't get back in so it wouldn't be me to find him.
He has also told me yesterday that he got into my car and switched on the engine and revved that night when he put my things into the car. (He was very drunk)
We have put this down to him having too much to drink that night but I am concerned and confused.
I'm sorry that that is all very muddled.
Is this just a normal blip that happens in relationships? As it’s kind of what I’m used to in the past. My friend was horrified but I just said it was one of those things.

Sorry for the late reply. I had a bit of therapy for my previous relationships….but I just couldn’t afford it for long. I really do need some thought. As well as going to WA on Wednesday I am going to speak with my GP to see if they can refer me for some type of therapy to work out why I accept these behaviours. I am trying I promise xx

Thank you for this message, as well as everyone else’s obviously.
I’m still in a bit of shock about it all. About his behaviour last week. But I have seen other red flags along the way.
I’m going to wait until I have advice from WA before deciding how to handle this. I’m scared to just end it for multiple reasons. It’s just not that easy.
But I do promise I’ve taken in what everyone has said. Xx

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline tonight. It's open 24/7 and they can give you advice.

Refuge has a webchat open till 10 Monday - Friday and till 6pm at the weekend.

Thank you. I chatted to refuge the night before I joined here. That day I also sent an email to WA which is why I’m going to pop in Wednesday.
Thank you so much though xx

Surely you aren't going to continue a relationship with this clearly dangerous man ?

No I’m not. I know all of this must seem ridiculous to people which is why I wish I hadn’t posted again about it now.
Just based on his reactions in the past I’m a bit unsure how to do it that’s all.
Sorry if this is irritating people. Xx

you don't need to be sorry, you've reached out for help and that's the first step. It can take many times to get away for a final time. Reach out for as much real life support as possible

Thank you. I am. I have my very best friend supporting me. I have put up a new post on here to update those who supported me to say I am going to leave. I’m just working out a plan too. Xx

Not a blip!! Please get out of this relationship immediately!!

I know this is no excuse. But my daughter is special needs….and possibly off to residential college in two and a half months. I’ve cared for her on my own for almost 20 years. This is going to break my heart if she leaves. My world is going to turn upside down and my life will be so different. It’s been a hard decision but with her multi disciplinary team she needs to thrive in further education and for the last year I’ve been fighting to get her an amazing placement in a fantastic special needs college with accommodation. I’ve finally got people who have said they want to help her thrive and learn to live independently away from me (which I want her to be ready for as it’s been us for so long). So at the moment I’m also battling the guilt and heartache from that. Even though she has said she wants to go to college, she had the visit and sleepover there and loved it.
so when I say about my daughter being upset this is why. Because I don’t want to take away something else from her before she goes. I don’t want to disrupt her life before the biggest transition she is about to face. I cry myself to sleep every night about it.
Ive taken steps to begin my career in teaching again in September, which I put on hold in 2018 as doing teaching and caring for her became too much.
I just am in a bit of denial about all this. Yes, his outburst last week was HORRENDOUS. But nothing I’m not used to from previous relationships. He even said himself the other day ‘let’s call it what it was….emotional and physical abuse’ when he was saying how sorry he was. On top of that he has shown other red flags I know. He is lovely at other times, and actually brilliant with my daughter. Which is why I’m in so much denial and confusion. I know things aren’t right at all. I’ve learned more about him in the last couple of days about his past which links up to more anger issues.
I feel like I’m drowning right now. I’m trying to deal with my daughter going, who is my absolute world. I’ve cared for her 24/7 for nearly 20 years alone. I’m going to be passing on all the responsibility of her health, care and education over to others. But it is going to absolutely crush me. Even though everyone (health care, Local Authority, Ed psychs, etc) are telling me it’s a million per cent the right thing for her.
This isn’t a ‘woe is me’ post. But this has all come at the worst time. I do have support of my best friend. Every day. And I am so thankful I thought to write on here also. Xxx

What did Women's Aid say?

I only spoke to them over the live chat the other day. They agreed that this isn’t great behaviour. It was a brief chat if I’m honest. I haven’t managed to get to the drop in yet but I will try next week. I had an email off a lady there as I filled in the online contact form so I have the times of the drop in. She said that because it’s a drop in that it means I may not be seen. However I can call on the day to see how busy it is. I have to do it in between taking and picking up my daughter from school.
I also want to ask if I can do the freedom programme.
im also going to contact my GP and ask if there is any counselling services. I’ve had it in the past, but only briefly as I can not afford the costs. I want them to help me as to why I tolerate this behaviour.
I know I probably sound like im giving excuses. Xx

Listen if you don’t want to leave him yet then you do not have to, nor do you need to justify yourself to the internet.

I have cptsd and I understand how toxicity is familiar and feels safer to us (ironically!!) but it is possible to choose better for yourself. It took me months of therapy before I was able to leave my ex (he was emotionally abusive rather than physically) but eventually I did it, it was awful, but 18 months on I’m in a much better place. I’m still terrible with relationships but I am developing boundaries and learning what is and isn’t ok.

take care of yourself and follow your own timeline. Push for therapy, get some self help books, emotionally “tool up” so YOU are ready to leave him on your own terms. Good luck

You can find the Freedom Programme online https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You're trying to find excuses to stay. For example, saying you're used to abuse and acting as though your daughter will be devastated if you break up.

You've had forewarning and his behaviour will get worse. You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find on your council website and ask about therapy.

You can also search in your local area as there may be other resources out there. Anxiety UK do affordable therapy if you don't have much money.

You should also do some work on your self esteem as your bar is very low. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good but there are other books out there.

Stop drinking especially when you're with him as you need to be clear headed for when he kicks off. Make sure you can drive and keep your phone on you and charged should you need assistance.

Thank you. I even feel like I’ve blown all this way out of proportion and I feel guilty for doing so as people are in such a worse position than me.

I understand completely about this type of situation feeling ‘normal and even safe’. It’s insane but it’s just the only thing I’ve known.

im so glad you are getting the help. Xx

I don’t drink really. It was a first night out in about 5 months and I never drink in the house etc as I need to be alert at all times for my daughter (she has epilepsy as well as other things).

As I’ve said before, I think I’ve blown this way out of proportion. I’m a bit embarrassed now xx

So hang on- since his horrendous physical and emotional abuse last weekend, he has already sent you nasty texts accusing you of being distant and effectively blaming you for his actions. So he is absolutely not ‘sorry’ for what he has done.
Christ he can’t even pretend to be a ‘nice guy’ for a week. Can’t you see that his act is so poor that he can’t even try to hoover you back in for a week?
You are focusing on last weekend but already this week he is telling you when you are allowed to use WhatsApp?? Are you seriously going to let someone tell you when you’re allowed to use your own phone.
This is so much deeper and worse than occasion outbursts of abuse. He is abusing and controlling you everyday.
Despite the emotional upheaval of your daughter leaving, you must stay away from this awful man. His abuse will escalate but even if it stayed the same, it is a miserable existence to be controlled like a little child.

No you're minimising and going back to sleep.

If you stay with him, this will continue.

You’ve disregarded the majority of what that poster has said. Why?

Also, what are you ultimately afraid of, here? So, you break up with him and…what? Is it the fear of being alone? Something else?

You need to stay away from this man.
Nothing about this is normal or just a one off.
Being single is much better then this.
His mental health is not your responsibility. And the threat of suicide is a go to he will probably always do as its a way to control you.
Just leave and don't look back. He is not worth wasting your life with

He can't be good for your child . You really need to just focus on her and yourself and not him

OP I wasted 15 years of mine and my children’s lives on a man exactly like this. He will erode your life away to suit his own agenda until you are basically a puppet being made to conform to fit in with his exacting standard and needs. Your precious life along with your ambitions and dreams will be buried under his controlling regime where you end up sitting in watching tv with this ticking time bone teying your very best not to piss him off.

he may never hit you, he may be nice 95% of the time and you may carve out an alright life between the intermittent horror. But in 20 years when you finally crack and realise he’s scum and will never change, you’ll realise all he took from you and have such regret about giving this man your best years.

you’re feeling weak because your daughter is moving, she’s going to thrive so build your new happy life and achieve what you’ve already sacrificed. Don’t hand your life over to this piece of shit, you’re just about to have freedom for you again, you’re looking at this all wrong op, REFRAME!!

You seem determined now to make excuse after excuse after excuse for him.

Concentrate on your daughter - if you end up in hospital because of him who will care for her ?

will she be alone in her home ? with no one to watch out for her

will she be moved immediately into her new place ? would it be social services or the police that would have to look after her.

or...

would he take responsibility for her ( esp as it's him that will have put you in that hospital )

then of course he can start abusing her...

I am exactly the same. I thought it was normal to be shouted at, told I was stupid, feeling lonely, being stonewalled etc - it still blows my mind when my friends say what their partners have done for them (make dinner, ask them how their day at work was, cuddle them spontaneously) as I just didn’t know men can do those things. I feel very sad about how my life has played out, but I hope that in the future I can feel truly loved and not just controlled or despised by a damaged man I have latched on to due to my low self esteem and past experiences.

just look after yourself and learn to trust yourself, when push comes to shove, we really do have no one else but ourselves x

Crikey that was terrifying to read your first post.

That man has no control over himself and his actions. He is a danger to you.

You need to end this relationship now.