Page 3 | Am I being dramatic?

Serenity21 · 2025-05-30T19:59:06+00:00

Hi all, so I was single for 10 years after some pretty awful relationships. I met someone over a year ago and things were good. A few red flags at times which I’ve put down to me looking for things. On Sunday we went out for drink. It was going great until at the end of the night he took my phone into the toilets and read some of my messages between myself and my best friend. There was something written in there about a friend of mine (who I have slept with years ago, which he knows about and was tears before I met him). All that was written was a joke about me having some of his gym stuff in my garage (which I don't!) I don't talk much to this guy anymore, even though he has been one of my best friends for years, as after my boyfriend found out we had slept together in the past he wasn't happy. His reaction on Sunday night was extreme. He didn't say anything at first, we just left the pub with him actually a bit strange. He went to buy food and wouldn't let me wait outside for him, he said 'no, you're coming with me' and pulled me in. We walked down the busy road with lots of people about, him still holding my hand. When there was no one about anymore he threw my hand away from him and confronted me about the message. I told him it was a joke but he continued getting angry. He threw his food across the path demanding to know if I still spoke to this guy. I told him 'not really, but that he was still my friend: This is where he lost it. He started shouting at me, calling me a bitch, a c*nt, and a slag': Telling me that we were over. I walked away and told him to walk home and that I'd follow behind. He apologised a lot and so I started walking with him again. Then he lost it again. He walked ahead and started kicking the metal bollard over and over. He turned and started walking quickly towards me. I started walking backwards and he said 'yeah you can run' I put my arm out to push him back but he grabbed my arm and started turning me, where I lost my balance and started to fall. I managed to get away and I ran. I hid for a while and he tried calling me about 40 times. I answered and told him I'd be home in a bit. He text me to say he had packed my things and put them in my car. When I got back he was sat crying. He asked me if there was a way back from this and I said no. I put his key on the table and I walked away to the front door. He threw a pint glass against the wall in the room he was in and it smashed everywhere. I went back in to check on him but he told me to get out so I did. I waited in the hallway. I could hear him shouting to himself and smashing things up. He was saying I was manipulative, that I ruined his life and that I deserved the abusive relationships that I'd been in in the past. Things went quiet for a few minutes and then started again so I went back in to tell him someone would call the police if he wasn't quiet. I told him I heard what he said about the fact I deserved the abuse I've had in the past and he laughed. Hysterically laughed and said that I was even making that about me. He then threw his belt across the room and said 'I can't even kill myself properly' and went on to tell me how he had just tried to hang himself with the belt when I left. I ended up staying as I was scared to leave him. In the morning he was very sorry and full of remorse. He said that he tried to hang himself because he knew I couldn't get back in so it wouldn't be me to find him. He has also told me yesterday that he got into my car and switched on the engine and revved that night when he put my things into the car. (He was very drunk) We have put this down to him having too much to drink that night but I am concerned and confused. I'm sorry that that is all very muddled. Is this just a normal blip that happens in relationships? As it’s kind of what I’m used to in the past. My friend was horrified but I just said it was one of those things.

gillefc82 · 30/05/2025 22:22

My first boyfriend from the ages of 16-18 was like this. Jealous, controlling, would emotionally manipulate me. He also borrowed hundreds off me (he was working whilst I was at college and had a pt evenings/Saturday job) and never repaid me. I did eventually break things off but stayed friends in the hope of getting back the money he owed me. It culminated in a night out together and after I rejected him when he tried to kiss me, he punched me in my face, knocking me on my backside and then legged it like the cowardly little worm he was.

This was an escalation - during the relationship he’d pushed me over, kicked me in the stomach and pushed me down some stairs, spat in my face….you get the picture.

Please do not accept his faux apologies, attempts to minimise and rationalise his behaviour or his promises that “this isn’t him” and “he’ll never do anything like this again”. I can guarantee this will only last until the next time you “give him a reason” to behave this way. You’re worth so much more.

JLou08 · 30/05/2025 22:22

No, that's not normal. He sounds dangerous.

Bestfootforward11 · 30/05/2025 22:27

Not a blip. This is not a relationship, it is abuse. There is not a shadow of a doubt about this. If he tells you otherwise, he is lying. You have done nothing wrong and do not have to justify yourself to him.
Treat yourself as you would a good friend if they told you this story- you would tell them to end this relationship and seek help. You deserve so much better. All the best x

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 22:28

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 22:14

Thank you again everyone.
I actually contacted Women’s aid yesterday and asked for their drop in times. I’m going to go in and try and speak to someone this week.
I know I desperately need therapy. I just can’t afford it. I will ask about the Freedom Programme also.
Thank you all. I can see it. I just can’t and don’t want to believe it. Xx

Your description of just sitting there emotionless while he shouts at you is the dign that you may have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic Disorder) as the result of lots of similar abuse in your past. You learned early on to freeze and dissociate when verbally attacked. Go get help! That was a good coping mechanism when you were young—like a pill bug rolling itself up to avoid being seen by a predator but its of no use now as it just leaves you vulnerable to an angry man.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/05/2025 22:29

He is dangerous. If you are ever alone with him again in the future when he is getting aggressive / shouting / throwing things / smashing things / threatening you need to keep yourself safe - walk or run away, call the police, find a neighbour. Your safety and well being is so much more important than his emotional turmoil.

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 22:32

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 22:28

Your description of just sitting there emotionless while he shouts at you is the dign that you may have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic Disorder) as the result of lots of similar abuse in your past. You learned early on to freeze and dissociate when verbally attacked. Go get help! That was a good coping mechanism when you were young—like a pill bug rolling itself up to avoid being seen by a predator but its of no use now as it just leaves you vulnerable to an angry man.

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I’ve been told before I may have C PTSD. I just can’t believe this could be happening again. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 22:32

gillefc82 · 30/05/2025 22:22

My first boyfriend from the ages of 16-18 was like this. Jealous, controlling, would emotionally manipulate me. He also borrowed hundreds off me (he was working whilst I was at college and had a pt evenings/Saturday job) and never repaid me. I did eventually break things off but stayed friends in the hope of getting back the money he owed me. It culminated in a night out together and after I rejected him when he tried to kiss me, he punched me in my face, knocking me on my backside and then legged it like the cowardly little worm he was.

This was an escalation - during the relationship he’d pushed me over, kicked me in the stomach and pushed me down some stairs, spat in my face….you get the picture.

Please do not accept his faux apologies, attempts to minimise and rationalise his behaviour or his promises that “this isn’t him” and “he’ll never do anything like this again”. I can guarantee this will only last until the next time you “give him a reason” to behave this way. You’re worth so much more.

I’m sorry you went through so much xx

OP posts:

Jellyrols · 30/05/2025 22:37

You poor pet.
He sounds positively unhinged and a complete psycho.
Please report him and block him.
Never ever be alone with him again.
That was terrifying to read.

DaisyChain505 · 30/05/2025 22:39

I stopped reading at “he took my phone and read my messages”

This relationship needs to end. Now.

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 22:47

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 22:32

I’ve been told before I may have C PTSD. I just can’t believe this could be happening again. Xx

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It doesn’t just go away! It becomes an instinctive response.

gillefc82 · 30/05/2025 22:51

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 22:32

I’m sorry you went through so much xx

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In a weird way, I’m not. Obviously, it wasn’t nice to go through that, especially with your first real boyfriend and as someone who had really struggled with self confidence, had had eating disorders etc. But on the bright side, it really did make me much stronger and ensured I have now very clear hard lines when it comes to the behaviours I will and won’t accept from partners.

I carried some of the effects of this for many years afterwards, e.g. my next relationship was with the opposite (someone older, safe, boring). I met my now DH 15 years ago (10 years after splitting from the divvy) and I was still carrying some baggage. For the first few years together, I was hyper sensitive to anything I perceived to be controlling behaviour, I had a major flight response and would shut down and not communicate if we had a disagreement and I was really resistant to opening myself up fully to my feelings and trusting him with my heart. Thankfully he was patient enough to stick around and help me work through my issues and I’m so grateful for him.

You will find a man who’s worthy of your trust, love, time and energy. It isn’t this one. Speak to friends/family that you trust to support you cutting ties and extricating yourself from the relationship as swiftly and painlessly as possible and do explore resources like Women’s Aid to see what help they can provide.

Best of luck. Stay strong and stay safe. x

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:00

gillefc82 · 30/05/2025 22:51

In a weird way, I’m not. Obviously, it wasn’t nice to go through that, especially with your first real boyfriend and as someone who had really struggled with self confidence, had had eating disorders etc. But on the bright side, it really did make me much stronger and ensured I have now very clear hard lines when it comes to the behaviours I will and won’t accept from partners.

I carried some of the effects of this for many years afterwards, e.g. my next relationship was with the opposite (someone older, safe, boring). I met my now DH 15 years ago (10 years after splitting from the divvy) and I was still carrying some baggage. For the first few years together, I was hyper sensitive to anything I perceived to be controlling behaviour, I had a major flight response and would shut down and not communicate if we had a disagreement and I was really resistant to opening myself up fully to my feelings and trusting him with my heart. Thankfully he was patient enough to stick around and help me work through my issues and I’m so grateful for him.

You will find a man who’s worthy of your trust, love, time and energy. It isn’t this one. Speak to friends/family that you trust to support you cutting ties and extricating yourself from the relationship as swiftly and painlessly as possible and do explore resources like Women’s Aid to see what help they can provide.

Best of luck. Stay strong and stay safe. x

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Thank you so much xx

OP posts:

salcombebabe · 30/05/2025 23:01

OP please please take the advice of others and myself and do a Claire's Law on him!!

Tinseltotties · 30/05/2025 23:06

Youre under reacting

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/05/2025 23:25

Text book abuse (please see the image). Please contact women’s aid or a local domestic abuse charity for support with leaving, as the risk will be much higher when you do as his behaviour will escalate, take at least a year being single, read why does he do that and complete the freedom programme. Having a history of being in domestic abuse relationships means you’re always going to be at a higher risk of having them in the future but you can absolutely break the cycle.

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:29

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/05/2025 23:25

Text book abuse (please see the image). Please contact women’s aid or a local domestic abuse charity for support with leaving, as the risk will be much higher when you do as his behaviour will escalate, take at least a year being single, read why does he do that and complete the freedom programme. Having a history of being in domestic abuse relationships means you’re always going to be at a higher risk of having them in the future but you can absolutely break the cycle.

Thank you for this. I’ve saved it to look at to remind me of red flags I may have overlooked when I go and speak with women’s aid. I’m still unsure if I’m in another abusive relationship, but there have definitely been red flags that my best friend has spotted xx

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 30/05/2025 23:34

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:29

Thank you for this. I’ve saved it to look at to remind me of red flags I may have overlooked when I go and speak with women’s aid. I’m still unsure if I’m in another abusive relationship, but there have definitely been red flags that my best friend has spotted xx

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What are you unsure about? You are absolutely 💯 in an abusive relationship and the mask has slipped

And it’s worrying you’re talking about this being a relationship in the present tense and not the past.

Pbjsand · 30/05/2025 23:36

Christ. NO IT IS NOT A BLIP!

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/05/2025 23:36

He gave you the impression he was going to kill himself - using coercion and threats
He smashed items up - using intimidation
He checked your phone - using isolation
He stopped you spending time with a close friend - using isolation
He called you names - emotional abuse
He kicked things - using intimidation
He made a threatening comment - using intimidation
He manhandled you - physical abuse
He said you deserved precious abuse - emotional abuse

Why on Earth are you doubting whether it’s abusive? And before you suggest it’s just a one off incident please note your comment about red flags and him having already before this having limited who you can be friends with.

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:37

TwistedWonder · 30/05/2025 23:34

What are you unsure about? You are absolutely 💯 in an abusive relationship and the mask has slipped

And it’s worrying you’re talking about this being a relationship in the present tense and not the past.

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Sorry, I’m just used to blaming myself for things and worry that I’m just being over the top. I don’t mean to frustrate anyone with my comments. I just wasn’t expecting this

OP posts:

Original poster

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:41

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/05/2025 23:36

He gave you the impression he was going to kill himself - using coercion and threats
He smashed items up - using intimidation
He checked your phone - using isolation
He stopped you spending time with a close friend - using isolation
He called you names - emotional abuse
He kicked things - using intimidation
He made a threatening comment - using intimidation
He manhandled you - physical abuse
He said you deserved precious abuse - emotional abuse

Why on Earth are you doubting whether it’s abusive? And before you suggest it’s just a one off incident please note your comment about red flags and him having already before this having limited who you can be friends with.

I think it’s because it hasn’t been as bad as it was on Sunday before now. Sunday was the first time he has called me names like that and put his hands on me in that way. The time before when he had a bit too much to drink there was a lot of shouting, threats to end it ‘if I didn’t go into the bedroom and talk to him in one minute’, but it was more emotional than anger. This was pure anger and that’s the first time I’ve seen it like that. He got cross when we were out a few months ago as I was taking a while in the toilets on a night out (as women do with chatting), and we left to go home early. He said I was taking the piss and leaving him on his own for too long.

OP posts:

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/05/2025 23:46

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 23:41

I think it’s because it hasn’t been as bad as it was on Sunday before now. Sunday was the first time he has called me names like that and put his hands on me in that way. The time before when he had a bit too much to drink there was a lot of shouting, threats to end it ‘if I didn’t go into the bedroom and talk to him in one minute’, but it was more emotional than anger. This was pure anger and that’s the first time I’ve seen it like that. He got cross when we were out a few months ago as I was taking a while in the toilets on a night out (as women do with chatting), and we left to go home early. He said I was taking the piss and leaving him on his own for too long.

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With kindness, he showed red flags long before this night, and you are questioning whether
some glaringly obvious abuse on the night you discuss was abuse, so that suggests to me you really struggle to identify abuse. You really need to complete the freedom programme as a matter of urgency if you want to be able to keep yourself safe.

TheSlantedOwl · 30/05/2025 23:46

OP how can you even question this? He’s an abusive, unhinged, dangerous man.

Why do you think someone who is physically and emotionally abusive, smashes glasses, throws things, uses the worst kind of verbal abuse, is anything other than a terrifying abuser who you need to never see again?

CopperWhite · 30/05/2025 23:48

You need to tell him to fuck off at the point he wants to take your phone into the toilet with him, never mind the rest. He is awful.

TwistedWonder · 30/05/2025 23:52

So the abuse has been ramping up over several weeks/months?

He's pushing your boundaries to see how much abuse you’ll tolerate and still forgive him and so far you’re basically telling him that it’s ok to be jealous, controlling, aggressive and violent, there’s no consequences to his actions.

Where do you think this will go next? He will assault you and you’ll still blame yourself and carry on seeing him.