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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being dramatic?

208 replies

Serenity21 · 30/05/2025 20:59

Hi all,
so I was single for 10 years after some pretty awful relationships. I met someone over a year ago and things were good. A few red flags at times which I’ve put down to me looking for things.
On Sunday we went out for drink. It was going great until at the end of the night he took my phone into the toilets and read some of my messages between myself and my best friend. There was something written in there about a friend of mine (who I have slept with years ago, which he knows about and was tears before I met him). All that was written was a joke about me having some of his gym stuff in my garage (which I don't!) I don't talk much to this guy anymore, even though he has been one of my best friends for years, as after my boyfriend found out we had slept together in the past he wasn't happy. His reaction on Sunday night was extreme.
He didn't say anything at first, we just left the pub with him actually a bit strange.
He went to buy food and wouldn't let me wait outside for him, he said 'no, you're coming with me' and pulled me in. We walked down the busy road with lots of people about, him still holding my hand.
When there was no one about anymore he threw my hand away from him and confronted me about the message. I told
him it was a joke but he continued getting angry. He threw his food across the path demanding to know if I still spoke to this guy. I told him 'not really, but that he was still my friend: This is where he lost it. He started shouting at me, calling me a bitch, a c*nt, and a slag': Telling me that we were over. I walked away and told him to walk home and that I'd follow behind.
He apologised a lot and so I started walking with him again. Then he lost it again. He walked ahead and started kicking the metal bollard over and over.
He turned and started walking quickly towards me. I started walking backwards and he said 'yeah you can run' I put my arm out to push him back but he grabbed my arm and started turning me, where I lost my balance and started to fall. I managed to get away and I ran. I hid for a while and he tried calling me about 40 times. I answered and told him I'd be home in a bit. He text me to say he had packed my things and put them in my car.
When I got back he was sat crying. He asked me if there was a way back from
this and I said no. I put his key on the table and I walked away to the front door.
He threw a pint glass against the wall in the room he was in and it smashed everywhere. I went back in to check on him but he told me to get out so I did. I waited in the hallway. I could hear him shouting to himself and smashing things up. He was saying I was manipulative, that I ruined his life and that I deserved the abusive relationships that I'd been in in the past. Things went quiet for a few minutes and then started again so I went back in to tell him someone would call the police if he wasn't quiet. I told him I heard what he said about the fact I deserved the abuse I've had in the past and he laughed. Hysterically laughed and said that I was even making that about me. He then threw his belt across the room and said 'I can't even kill myself properly' and went on to tell me how he had just tried to hang himself with the belt when I left. I ended up staying as I was scared to leave him. In the morning he was very sorry and full of remorse. He said that he tried to hang himself because he knew I couldn't get back in so it wouldn't be me to find him.
He has also told me yesterday that he got into my car and switched on the engine and revved that night when he put my things into the car. (He was very drunk)
We have put this down to him having too much to drink that night but I am concerned and confused.
I'm sorry that that is all very muddled.
Is this just a normal blip that happens in relationships? As it’s kind of what I’m used to in the past. My friend was horrified but I just said it was one of those things.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 31/05/2025 00:02

I'm very worried that you can't see how wrong this is on every single level. He's absolutely shocking, he's completely manipulative, jealous and controlling. You really have to stop seeing him and I would get a ring doorbell as soon as possible because I wouldn't trust this one at all.

Dweetfidilove · 31/05/2025 00:05

This is another awful relationship. Dump him.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 00:10

No, this is not just a blip that happens in relationships.

Nothing remotely like this has ever happened in any relationship I’ve ever been in (20 year marriage plus 4 longish term relationships before that). We bicker sometimes, we disagree sometimes, we get on each other’s nerves - but nobody ever calls names or threatens anyone or smashes things up or takes anyone else’s phone away to look through their messages.

The absolute bare minimum you should expect from a relationship is to be safe with your partner.

This is not a good relationship, and this man is dangerously out of control.

Of course he’s not going to agree with this assessment.

Don’t try to reason with him. He’s unreasonable.

Leave and don’t go back.

Booboomylove · 31/05/2025 00:11

No love you're not being dramatic. I hope you can find the strength to leave him, please find all the support you can from people who are close to you.

treesareforlifenotjustforchristmas · 31/05/2025 00:16

Once I was drunk dancing in the living room and smashed a glass over which my DH witnessed. I was very apologetic and my DH thought it was hilarious. That is the only type of glass smashing that’s acceptable in a relationship! The rest I have no words for

please run! Things will continue like this and become more frequent and vicious

Goldie83 · 31/05/2025 00:19

I got to the part where he took your phone and read your messages, and thought that was bad enough. But the rest of the evening was one of the worst things I’ve read on Mumsnet. I can’t, and don’t even want to imagine what that man could do to you. Get support to leave.

shoelady2 · 31/05/2025 00:22

Are you being dramatic? No.
Is this a ‘blip’? Also no.

If you were being incredibly generous and putting it down to being very drunk it still wouldn’t excuse it. He has shown you this side of himself and it would be foolish and dangerous to ignore it.

Also why was he looking at your phone in the first place? So many red flags.

Original poster
Serenity21 · 31/05/2025 00:26

Thank you again everyone for your comments. I’m definitely going to go in to women’s aid drop in on Wednesday and ask to sign up for the freedom programme.

could I give this quick example of a red flag I noticed a couple of days after the Sunday incident.
he got upset with me (didn’t shout or anything), just expressed his upset, because I changed my what’s app profile photo from
one where I was wearing a necklace he got me, to one where I wasn’t wearing the necklace. He first started by asking when I had taken the photo. He then changed HIS what’s app profile photo to a different one of myself and him, and then when he spoke to me he said that he was upset because there isn’t much ‘out there’ apart from instagram that shows we are together to people, and now because I’m not wearing the necklace in my new photo, that he is now ‘not even in that photo at all’.

I know this sounds childish of me to write this to you all. But these are the smaller ‘red flags’ I’m seeing. Are these just silly things or are they also concerning?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2025 00:31

The relationship is over - isn't it.

You are not thinking of contacting him are you

he has shown you who he is in words and actions

believe him

You don't live with him, hopefully you did not give him a key to your home

you don't need to look for any more red flags, you already had enough for bunting

honeyfox · 31/05/2025 00:35

Women get killed in relationships like this. Please look after yourself and leave.

Littlethingshelp · 31/05/2025 00:37

I think the necklace thing is a bit odd, but far more concerning is the behaviour where he first read your phone messages, then was extremely violent and also quite manipulative. He sounds abusive, possibly if you have been in abusive relationships in the past you have normalised some abusive behaviour slightly, but regardless you should think about your safety and emotional health.

I would be looking at what support you need to end this relationship safely, from potentially professionals and your friends/relatives. His behaviour is not at all normal. I have no experience of this, but please seek the help you need, remember abusers can become more violent at the end of a relationship. Possibly speak to a domestic abuse helpline. Remember this is a public forum, where posts can be read by anyone, I would consider getting some advice from a domestic abuse specialist service and asking mumsnet net to take this down in case he reads it.

Booboomylove · 31/05/2025 01:05

Serenity21 · 31/05/2025 00:26

Thank you again everyone for your comments. I’m definitely going to go in to women’s aid drop in on Wednesday and ask to sign up for the freedom programme.

could I give this quick example of a red flag I noticed a couple of days after the Sunday incident.
he got upset with me (didn’t shout or anything), just expressed his upset, because I changed my what’s app profile photo from
one where I was wearing a necklace he got me, to one where I wasn’t wearing the necklace. He first started by asking when I had taken the photo. He then changed HIS what’s app profile photo to a different one of myself and him, and then when he spoke to me he said that he was upset because there isn’t much ‘out there’ apart from instagram that shows we are together to people, and now because I’m not wearing the necklace in my new photo, that he is now ‘not even in that photo at all’.

I know this sounds childish of me to write this to you all. But these are the smaller ‘red flags’ I’m seeing. Are these just silly things or are they also concerning?

The things you've mentioned are also red flags love. You're doing the right thing going to Womens Aid. You've done nothing wrong.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 01:13

Serenity21 · 31/05/2025 00:26

Thank you again everyone for your comments. I’m definitely going to go in to women’s aid drop in on Wednesday and ask to sign up for the freedom programme.

could I give this quick example of a red flag I noticed a couple of days after the Sunday incident.
he got upset with me (didn’t shout or anything), just expressed his upset, because I changed my what’s app profile photo from
one where I was wearing a necklace he got me, to one where I wasn’t wearing the necklace. He first started by asking when I had taken the photo. He then changed HIS what’s app profile photo to a different one of myself and him, and then when he spoke to me he said that he was upset because there isn’t much ‘out there’ apart from instagram that shows we are together to people, and now because I’m not wearing the necklace in my new photo, that he is now ‘not even in that photo at all’.

I know this sounds childish of me to write this to you all. But these are the smaller ‘red flags’ I’m seeing. Are these just silly things or are they also concerning?

Yep, absolutely concerning. What necklace you’re wearing in a profile photo is just not the sort of thing anyone would even notice unless they were paranoid and controlling.

Ahsheeit · 31/05/2025 01:42

The fact that he took your phone to read your messages is a huge red flag in itself. Everything you've written is absolutely abuse and if you go back, your putting yourself in grave danger. He could kill you, it's as simple as that. You're underreacting, not overreacting and you need to stay away from him for your own safety before he really, really hurts you.

JudgeBread · 31/05/2025 01:53

The little red flags don't really matter when he's currently waving in your face a giant red marquee which could be seen from space.

There's no point at all combing through everything he's done to pick apart all the little things that might have pointed to him being abusive - the fact is that time has passed now because he is textbook abusive and you need to stop worrying about him and this relationship and start worrying about getting yourself out safely and making this a firm former relationship.

Once you're safe you can then think about getting yourself some help so you'll be able to spot the little red flags in future. Don't worry about them now, it won't help you do what you need to do in this moment.

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 31/05/2025 01:58

OP, pls take everything that @OiBlin has said in. You are not to blame for anything!!!!

It is YOUR responsibility to REMOVE yourself from this RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY!!

He has shown you who he really is BELIEVE THAT & TRUST YOURSELF.

Go to the Police ASAP and make a Claire’s Law Request.

Do the Freedom Program and give yourself time to process and heal. You need to understand about domestic abuse, recognise the signs.

Re-Read your Thread again and listen and absorb what all the Posters are telling you.

You can get through this but you need to take steps in order to make sure you are safe from this man as he is dangerous.

I and everyone else are here for you so please do not think you are alone. Reach out whenever & I am sending you the biggest hug.

x

LurkyMcLurkinson · 31/05/2025 03:40

Serenity21 · 31/05/2025 00:26

Thank you again everyone for your comments. I’m definitely going to go in to women’s aid drop in on Wednesday and ask to sign up for the freedom programme.

could I give this quick example of a red flag I noticed a couple of days after the Sunday incident.
he got upset with me (didn’t shout or anything), just expressed his upset, because I changed my what’s app profile photo from
one where I was wearing a necklace he got me, to one where I wasn’t wearing the necklace. He first started by asking when I had taken the photo. He then changed HIS what’s app profile photo to a different one of myself and him, and then when he spoke to me he said that he was upset because there isn’t much ‘out there’ apart from instagram that shows we are together to people, and now because I’m not wearing the necklace in my new photo, that he is now ‘not even in that photo at all’.

I know this sounds childish of me to write this to you all. But these are the smaller ‘red flags’ I’m seeing. Are these just silly things or are they also concerning?

Yes it’s a red flag. He’d probably have you branded or wearing a tshirt of his face if he could but wearing something he got you was the poor alternative he had left and he ran with it. The next behaviours you would have likely seen were him commenting on your appearance (who are you were wearing makeup and dressed up for), telling you who he wants you to not see (it’s not that I don’t trust you it’s just that I know what blokes are like and I don’t trust them) and checking your phone to make sure you didn’t break the rules.

LoudSnoringDog · 31/05/2025 04:37

This is an absolutely horrendous relationship. Is this really how you want the rest of your life to be?

juststrutting · 31/05/2025 04:46

Walk away. In fact, run. This is not normal behaviour and is actually quite scary.

Pawse · 31/05/2025 05:04

I think one of the most telling things is you say I just wasn't expecting this

But I bet your best friend isn't surprised. You mention at least 2 things on here which would have made most women run for this hills, and I'm sure there are a lot other situations that you will start remembering.

Getting angry and upset about a changed WhatsApp profile picture and going to pubs to check up on you because he didn't know where you were, are such red flags. None of that is normal.

I agree with PPs who suggest the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk and finding out from Clare's Law how dangerous this guy really is.

You need to stop dating for a while and work on yourself.

Good luck OP you didn't deserve any of this.

Codlingmoths · 31/05/2025 05:09

Umm what? Are you still talking to him? You know how you said there isn’t a way back from this. That is absolutely correct. Give a friend who he’s pushed you to cut off a call and arrange a catch up. I say a friend as I assume there’s more than just the one you’ve mentioned!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/05/2025 05:17

It's a warning to get out.

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 05:52

Another one? This should be a bumper sticker or a shirt 'he is showing you who he is so believe him and pick your self respect off the floor on the way out'

I don't know how to pretty this up to make it sound better but maybe if enough people say it people may start listening

Miraclemuma03 · 31/05/2025 06:00

Absolutely run. There is nothing more to say.

whynotmereally · 31/05/2025 06:11

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. What you are describing is an abusive relationship. You need to get out now because the longer you are together the harder it will be to get out. Abusive men can be wonderful, better than the average man even but it’s not real. It’s an act they put on to keep you coming back even after their true behaviours come out. Over time the wonderful side gets shorter and the nasty side gets longer until eventually all you get to see is the nasty side but by then you have been convinced it’s all your fault and if you could just be better and it’s not like you could cope on your own.
End it now.

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