Am I being dramatic?

[Serenity21]

Hi all,
so I was single for 10 years after some pretty awful relationships. I met someone over a year ago and things were good. A few red flags at times which I’ve put down to me looking for things.
On Sunday we went out for drink. It was going great until at the end of the night he took my phone into the toilets and read some of my messages between myself and my best friend. There was something written in there about a friend of mine (who I have slept with years ago, which he knows about and was tears before I met him). All that was written was a joke about me having some of his gym stuff in my garage (which I don't!) I don't talk much to this guy anymore, even though he has been one of my best friends for years, as after my boyfriend found out we had slept together in the past he wasn't happy. His reaction on Sunday night was extreme.
He didn't say anything at first, we just left the pub with him actually a bit strange.
He went to buy food and wouldn't let me wait outside for him, he said 'no, you're coming with me' and pulled me in. We walked down the busy road with lots of people about, him still holding my hand.
When there was no one about anymore he threw my hand away from him and confronted me about the message. I told
him it was a joke but he continued getting angry. He threw his food across the path demanding to know if I still spoke to this guy. I told him 'not really, but that he was still my friend: This is where he lost it. He started shouting at me, calling me a bitch, a c*nt, and a slag': Telling me that we were over. I walked away and told him to walk home and that I'd follow behind.
He apologised a lot and so I started walking with him again. Then he lost it again. He walked ahead and started kicking the metal bollard over and over.
He turned and started walking quickly towards me. I started walking backwards and he said 'yeah you can run' I put my arm out to push him back but he grabbed my arm and started turning me, where I lost my balance and started to fall. I managed to get away and I ran. I hid for a while and he tried calling me about 40 times. I answered and told him I'd be home in a bit. He text me to say he had packed my things and put them in my car.
When I got back he was sat crying. He asked me if there was a way back from
this and I said no. I put his key on the table and I walked away to the front door.
He threw a pint glass against the wall in the room he was in and it smashed everywhere. I went back in to check on him but he told me to get out so I did. I waited in the hallway. I could hear him shouting to himself and smashing things up. He was saying I was manipulative, that I ruined his life and that I deserved the abusive relationships that I'd been in in the past. Things went quiet for a few minutes and then started again so I went back in to tell him someone would call the police if he wasn't quiet. I told him I heard what he said about the fact I deserved the abuse I've had in the past and he laughed. Hysterically laughed and said that I was even making that about me. He then threw his belt across the room and said 'I can't even kill myself properly' and went on to tell me how he had just tried to hang himself with the belt when I left. I ended up staying as I was scared to leave him. In the morning he was very sorry and full of remorse. He said that he tried to hang himself because he knew I couldn't get back in so it wouldn't be me to find him.
He has also told me yesterday that he got into my car and switched on the engine and revved that night when he put my things into the car. (He was very drunk)
We have put this down to him having too much to drink that night but I am concerned and confused.
I'm sorry that that is all very muddled.
Is this just a normal blip that happens in relationships? As it’s kind of what I’m used to in the past. My friend was horrified but I just said it was one of those things.

Why are you still in contact with him?

This. You should never have gone back into the house in the first place.

Breathe.
Take a moment, without judging yourself.

People like your (ex) partner play the long game. They invest the time. Their control starts small. Maybe he didn't like a top you were going to wear so you changed it. It ever so slowly escalates. When they do over step the mark, they reel you back in by saying the right platitudes, expressing remorse. They don't mean it. All they mean is until the next time "you make them do it".

The guy has some brass balls on him coming back so fast with why are you on WhatsApp but not talking to him. He's monitoring your activity and telling you he is doing that. That behaviour, along with his behaviour the other night, says it's not the start of his abuse. He's been building his control for quite some time as he is expecting you to react normally to him mere days after he behaved absolutely abhorrently.

It's up to you to leave. No one can make you do that. The women reading your posts are frightened for you. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous time for a woman. Your guy is clearly controlling . Losing control over you will potentially cause him to escalate. Please, don't see him before you go to WA. Put him off and keep yourself safe.

If he hurts himself or threatens to hurt himself, that's not on you. That's him trying to control you.

You reply: I’m sorry to hear you feel violently ragingly angry again already. This relationship isn’t for me, it’s over.

and block.

So basically he's turning it around on you so he's somehow the victim, minimising what he did.

He's fully expecting you to tolerate what he did. It worries me that he may be right.

All I asked you to do was not be distant with me
But he doesn't get to decide how you respond to such a violent episode! It's not up to him. He doesn't seem sorry at all.

Was his son popping round this "milestone"?

Funny how that happened more or less immediately after he behaved like an animal. He's manipulating the hell out of you by showing you more commitment to reel you back in.

He’s gaslighting. Take back control. Just say you need some time on your own, please do not contact me. Have you got friends/family nearby? I am worried for you that it could escalate. Please be aware. I would write down all the details just in case you need to go to the police.

I'd be concerned how much this man is making you doubt yourself. Trust how you feel and listen carefully to your gut, and do not engage with this man further. You need to value & back yourself more. Very unnerving thread, I'd be seriously concerned for you if you stay with him.

Thank you everyone. Yes he does this a lot actually. When he has upset me and I go quiet he calls me ‘cold’ or ‘distant’. He did send a follow up message (I hadn’t replied to his other two) saying if I am still upset about Sunday then I can take all the time that I need but that I don’t just say I can forget about it if I can’t.
The milestone was indeed his son coming over.
I knew he was getting cross with me last night because everytime I popped on what’s app he started typing something but then would stop. It was about three hours later that he sent those messages.
I promise you all I am taking your advice. I’m re reading all your messages. I’m coming on here a lot to check for more responses as they are making me stronger and helping me see this isn’t normal. This is behaviour that unfortunately I’m used to. Which is why I had to ask is it normal or am I over reacting. I haven’t had a relationship where someone hasn’t been like this in some way. I started to ask myself whether it was me making these men like this. I wish I could afford proper therapy. But I’m going to speak to my GP and see if there is anyone I can see and obviously go to WA on Wednesday. Xx

Alcohol affects everyone differently, some people get tired and mushy, some people get argumentative and irritated. It doesn’t turn people into a full blown abuser who hurts others - unless that behaviour is already part of their character. The alcohol is just bringing it to the surface.

He sounds as though he ticks all the boxes for a classic abuser, jealousy at past relationships, snooping on your devices, controlling to the point of twisting your arm and trying to physically hurt you and then, when none of that worked, pretending he was going to end it all in order to manipulate you into staying. Please don’t try to ‘save’ this man. You can’t. If he wants help, he can get it himself but you really should be far, far away.

I started to ask myself whether it was me making these men like this. **

No, it's really common for people who come out of abusive relationships to end up in further abusive ones. It's like catnip to these guys.

And I think what happens is, the person's boundaries are skewed by the abuse, so they overlook the red flags and initial incidents because it's what they're used to or doesn't seem as bad as the prior relationship.

And the abuser is all the while testing their tolerance and boundaries and gradually upping the ante.

Whereas someone with a healthier relationship model would have ended things at those initial red flags or incidents.

It's not you making them do anything.

And he’s adding DARVO to the list of abusive cunt boxes he ticks

This is one scary man. This isn’t a one off ‘blip’ - he is a nasty scary controlling manipulative abuser and I would guarantee that he’s fine this to women before

Please OP I know you say you’re.taking this onboard but I still feel you’re minimising and doubting yourself. Don’t- he tryouts probably the worst, mist dangerous abuser I’ve ever read a thread about on MN and that’s against some pretty stiff competition.

I bet he has a history of this behaviour with previous partners.

I reckon a Claire’s Law would definitely come back showing he’s got history

Have you got family or a good friend you can confide in, someone who will help you keep strong?

Good friend of mine was involved in a situation and like you, because of previous bad relationships, it took her a while to realise it was happening again. None of her friends knew but then at a Christmas gathering, he flipped. We’d all had alcohol and were noisily playing a game. Someone made a jokey comment and all of a sudden the rage descended. He then sat in the corner like a child, refusing to talk to anyone.

Afterwards, my friend opened up and it was awful. She lived in constant fear of his moods and of getting the silent treatment. If she went out, he rang her constantly. When she came home he went through her phone. And then he started collecting knives and ‘joked’ one day that he’d probably kill her and then himself.

Eventually she left and although it was so hard at the beginning, everyone kept her strong. She is safe and well and he’s moved on to someone else. You absolutely can walk away from this.

Is he psychotic?

Anyway, get as far away from this man as possible. Block and move on with your life.

Claires Law only shows something if someone has been reported in the past. An absence of a Claires Law record doesn't mean someone is safe.

OP please change your WhatsApp settings so your ex can't see whether you are online. Ideally of course you would block him entirely but I sense you're not going to do that. Hopefully your conversation with Women's Aid will be useful in that respect.

He's a sicko. End it before he ends you.

FFS

@Codlingmoths Has written your reply to him for you.
It's short simple and to the point.

Just do it.

I have no idea why his son was popping in to visit you.

You really do need to set boundaries.

OP, I was shocked at the point where you said he took your phone into the toilets - why on earth did you let him do that? I have been married 30+ years and my husband never looks at my phone!
Everything else you describe is completely abusive. Ditch this man immediately and never see him again.

So that just demonstrates his conduct wasn't a drunken one-off, doesn't it? Honestly, who needs to deal with this sort of nonsense? Please just get rid. You'll be so much happier without him.

Everything else aside, this relationship doesn’t make you feel good or happy. So end it. No need for the second guessing or the ‘what if he meant X’. It genuinely doesn’t matter. You’re anxious, stressed, unhappy and occasionally terrified - so end it. You can be alone. You’ve done it before and you were fine. So, what’s stopping you?

I feel for you - but I want to give you some food for thought. Re read that message about you not replying to him and see if you can see the staggering lack of responsibility. He is failing to take responsibility for his appalling action and instead pushing it all onto you. What an utter cock. He really is a tool.

You will never win - He is constantly looking for reasons to be angry with you. The dragging you out to where there was no one around is a genuinely frightening scenario.

This guy is a violent man, threatening, manipulative psycho. You are better off without him.

This isn't normal my lovely. It really isn't. Wishing you lots of strength.

The thing is, he's clearly monitoring your WhatsApp activity- checking when you are on, for how long etc. That's controlling and creepy, and this is him supposedly sober and apologetic.

His messages to you are all about him, and his feelings and very much focused on how your reaction to his behaviour is the issue.

There is no scenario where this isn't an abusive relationship. For your own safety and freedom you need to leave him as soon as you can. Please talk to your friend to get more real life support.

OP, just a practical point, change your WhatsApp settings so he can’t see when you’re online.

I'd send something like this OP:

"Surely you can understand I need time and space.
Not wanting to talk to you doesn't mean not talking to anyone else, it helps me.
Will let you know when I'm ready to move on, if at all.
Please don't pressure me to go back to normal as it's not as easy as clicking fingers for me".

That's if you still want to communicate.

I know it's not easy to cut off and leave instantly, it's about taking back control and making sure you're OK first and leaving when you feel safe.

Good luck, you can do it.