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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do they come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener?

105 replies

alexis97 · 28/05/2025 18:22

Hi everyone, my husband walked out on me 4 weeks ago, he couldn’t tell me why he was unhappy but he started getting very close to another woman at work (ive heard terrible things and so has my sister in law she used to work with her and apparently she isn’t nice). He tried making so many excuses then told me he didn’t know why he was unhappy and before he left told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I know he’s been spending time with this girl because he enjoys her company, he told me this 3 weeks after we split up. It stung but it’s given me the strength to between the tears start to learn my worth. He seems so unbothered and unphased while im breaking my heart, heartbroken and crying everyday. Acting like life is so normal and nothing happened. I was a great wife to him. I supported him leaving the army, getting into his new career, a potential career move that was going on recently and trying to get him out of debt from leaving the army impulsive without a financial plan. I had to go back to work 12 weeks after having my little boy to help with the debt because we couldn’t afford to live and even got myself in 2K worth of debt for him that im still paying. He doesn’t seem bothered, keeps asking if there’s any updates about me moving. Ive supported that man from day one. When we had nothing, I truly loved him. And I didn’t think he’d ever do this to me. we have 2 kids.

I don’t think they’ve thought any of this through, if it’s a rebound or something but she has 2 kids in school and loves her own time and going out partying. Our kids are 3 and 15 months, I can’t see her wanting to change nappies and enjoying our autistic toddler smearing poo all over…

Everyone keeps saying that when he realises the grass is greener he will run back and he will regret it, I don’t see it. What are your thoughts Mumsnet? I just want to see him grovel, he has shown me he’s a weak man. He seems absolutely obsessed with this girl. Not sure if it’s limerence. I know I wasn’t the issue and even his family have said it. It’s just a crap position to be in right now…

OP posts:
summerscomingsoon · 28/05/2025 18:25

Have some self respect.

Why would you take him back. If he didn't want you before and just wants you cos the alternative isn't as good as he thought.

You're just waiting till he mets his next woman

DrummingMousWife · 28/05/2025 18:25

He may come back, he may not OP, but my advice is cut the line and don’t ever get back with this man no matter what he says or promises in the future. If he can treat you this badly once, he will do it again and you are definitely worth more than this.

FiveShelties · 28/05/2025 18:27

Why would you want him back after he has treated you so badly?

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:29

9 times out of 10 they come back. However I’ve witnessed the 1/10 where they went on to marry the OW and have children. It does happen.

If you did take him back you’d be constantly fretting that he was cheating again, because he likely has been cheating. Is that the sort of life you want to have?

A man who walked out so easily clearly didn’t love you enough in the first place.

Sunnyday321 · 28/05/2025 18:29

If it were me , the door would continue to be firmly shut !

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 28/05/2025 18:29

He’s a shit. Let her have him. If you took him
back, he’d do it again next time he was a bit bored and saw something shiny. Find your anger and keep him gone.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 28/05/2025 18:29

You're focusing on the wrong things. Who cares if this soulless loser comes back?

He's used you for years and defecated on you from a great height. Every time the money comes out of your account to pay back his debts, remind yourself how lucky you are.

Original poster
alexis97 · 28/05/2025 18:30

It’s not wanting him back as such, I just have so many things going on for the positive and im scared he tries to come back and try and worm his way in and it knocks me again. 2 weeks after he left I stood in a uni interview and poured my heart out to show my passion and I got an offer for my dream university course that I put on hold to raise our children while he focused on his career and start September for 2 years (PGCE Primary Education with QTS) although I didn’t have the required grade they say my potential, Ive worked with children now for 10 years and teaching is my passion. I’ve achieved so much without him. It just scares me he may run back.

OP posts:
namechangeGOT · 28/05/2025 18:32

The only reason I would want him to come back is so that I could laugh at him when I refused.

He’s picked his option, don’t allow yourself to become option B just because option A wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

He’s a dick. Don’t give him the satisfaction, you will survive this.

TourangaLeila · 28/05/2025 18:34

The best revenge is to move on and live well and if he goes come grovelling back you will be well placed to say "fuck off twat"

Summerhillsquare · 28/05/2025 18:34

Imagine if you put that energy and capability into yourself OP. You're going to be a great teacher. Forgot him and live your life to the full.

S0j0urn4r · 28/05/2025 18:37

Find your anger.
If he tries to come back say no and keep the door firmly shut.
From your op he sounds like a dead weight. You don't need him.
If you take him back you'll be signalling acceptance of this treatment so don't be surprised if it happens again... and again... and again...

AgnesX · 28/05/2025 18:38

Even if he comes back you don't have to take him back.

In true MN tradition get your ducks lined up so you can manage financially and get some professional advice if you need to.

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2025 18:44

I can't see him leaving his other woman (who loves partying) and new setup to come back to his pissed off wife, two kids and a load grief and debt.

He's used you for everything you could give and now you've nothing left to give he's done with you. He's moved on. He's looking for someone else ready to do everything for him.

It seems awful now, but he's done you the biggest favour he possibly could have in the long run. He's given you space to thrive. You've shat out the parasite that was feeding off you, you'll feel much better soon.

Make sure he's paying maintenance for the kids.

PinkMagpie · 28/05/2025 18:48

Well done OP on getting on to your dream course!

In the case of your partner, the rubbish has taken itself out. This man will only drag you down and the best thing he could have done is decide to go and be a burden on a different woman instead

DorothyStorm · 28/05/2025 18:49

You don't need to take him back even if he does come crawling back.

I don’t think they’ve thought any of this through, if it’s a rebound or something but she has 2 kids in school and loves her own time and going out partying. Our kids are 3 and 15 months, I can’t see her wanting to change nappies and enjoying our autistic toddler smearing poo all over…
He might not even want the children over.

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:50

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2025 18:44

I can't see him leaving his other woman (who loves partying) and new setup to come back to his pissed off wife, two kids and a load grief and debt.

He's used you for everything you could give and now you've nothing left to give he's done with you. He's moved on. He's looking for someone else ready to do everything for him.

It seems awful now, but he's done you the biggest favour he possibly could have in the long run. He's given you space to thrive. You've shat out the parasite that was feeding off you, you'll feel much better soon.

Make sure he's paying maintenance for the kids.

The woman will meet someone else and leave him, and then he will come crawling back.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/05/2025 18:50

@alexis97 would you really let him back in the door?? even after accidentally having sex with her, because, sure as hell, they arent in seperate rooms, are they!! you dont know where else his penis has been!! remember the old saying! a standing cock has no conscience!!

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2025 18:51

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:50

The woman will meet someone else and leave him, and then he will come crawling back.

Show quote history

Let's hope so. Unfortunately, there are enough women who will tolerate this sort of man that's it by no means guaranteed!

User2676 · 28/05/2025 18:52

My ex situationship came back a year later and chanced his arm. He said he would do things properly this time and that he hadn't had the same connection with anyone else. He asked me to meet for a coffee. I refused as I now have a boyfriend who actually wants to be committed to me and be in a proper relationship with me. Too little too late. They do often come back , even after a year !

Bittenonce · 28/05/2025 18:54

Someone said she thought 9/10 times they come back? I’d be amazed if that were true. It won’t happen unless he’s weak, needy, no pride, thick skinned as a rhino. However things work out with the OW, he’s checked out emotionally. I do know a couple of people where the woman has supported totally through career change, losing driving licence etc etc and as soon as things were ‘on the level’ again, he buggered off. Seems not to be an uncommon trait I’m afraid. There’s probably some psych name for it, but there does seem for some people to be a need for a break and restart after a period of dependence.

Viviennemary · 28/05/2025 18:58

Maybe he will come back maybe he won't. But he is a piece of shit and you deserve better.

youlied · 28/05/2025 19:03

My ExH went off with someone from work. She's welcome to him and I would never have had him back. I lost my home but have moved on, my budget is very tight and some months a struggle but I am much happier than second guessing his shitty behaviour.

user2848502016 · 28/05/2025 19:07

Do you want him back? Seriously? I wouldn’t….

category12 · 28/05/2025 19:08

alexis97 · 28/05/2025 18:30

It’s not wanting him back as such, I just have so many things going on for the positive and im scared he tries to come back and try and worm his way in and it knocks me again. 2 weeks after he left I stood in a uni interview and poured my heart out to show my passion and I got an offer for my dream university course that I put on hold to raise our children while he focused on his career and start September for 2 years (PGCE Primary Education with QTS) although I didn’t have the required grade they say my potential, Ive worked with children now for 10 years and teaching is my passion. I’ve achieved so much without him. It just scares me he may run back.

Well, all you have to do is say "no fuck off back to your OW" if he does try to come back.

You could start a divorce if you wanted.