Do they come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener?

[alexis97]

Hi everyone, my husband walked out on me 4 weeks ago, he couldn’t tell me why he was unhappy but he started getting very close to another woman at work (ive heard terrible things and so has my sister in law she used to work with her and apparently she isn’t nice). He tried making so many excuses then told me he didn’t know why he was unhappy and before he left told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I know he’s been spending time with this girl because he enjoys her company, he told me this 3 weeks after we split up. It stung but it’s given me the strength to between the tears start to learn my worth. He seems so unbothered and unphased while im breaking my heart, heartbroken and crying everyday. Acting like life is so normal and nothing happened. I was a great wife to him. I supported him leaving the army, getting into his new career, a potential career move that was going on recently and trying to get him out of debt from leaving the army impulsive without a financial plan. I had to go back to work 12 weeks after having my little boy to help with the debt because we couldn’t afford to live and even got myself in 2K worth of debt for him that im still paying. He doesn’t seem bothered, keeps asking if there’s any updates about me moving. Ive supported that man from day one. When we had nothing, I truly loved him. And I didn’t think he’d ever do this to me. we have 2 kids.

I don’t think they’ve thought any of this through, if it’s a rebound or something but she has 2 kids in school and loves her own time and going out partying. Our kids are 3 and 15 months, I can’t see her wanting to change nappies and enjoying our autistic toddler smearing poo all over…

Everyone keeps saying that when he realises the grass is greener he will run back and he will regret it, I don’t see it. What are your thoughts Mumsnet? I just want to see him grovel, he has shown me he’s a weak man. He seems absolutely obsessed with this girl. Not sure if it’s limerence. I know I wasn’t the issue and even his family have said it. It’s just a crap position to be in right now…

If he runs back, you don't have to take him back. It sounds like your life is going to be a lot better without him. Try not to focus on what he may or may not do - it's really not your problem any more. Instead, focus on you and the children. Get some legal advice and start divorce proceedings. He doesn't deserve one more minute of your time or energy thinking about him.

@alexis97
I think he is trying to escape the daily grind of having young children. So he doesn’t have to help with a baby and an autistic toddler. Do you have any family support?
Regardless of whether he wants you out of the house he does need to help finance his children. I think you need to get things in place so that you can start your course. I would also start a divorce process so that he can’t get any of your pension etc. If you are married you are probably eligible for some equity from the property regardless of who is named on the deeds.

If you are married you are probably eligible for some equity from the property regardless of who is named on the deeds.

Absolutely she is.

Good riddance to bad rubbish

In my experience in real life they almost never come back. When they are done, they are done. Besides, why would you want the c**t back anyway? I know it must be hard but steel your back and move forward with wat you need to move on with your life. Fake it until you make it. Best of luck.

Hang on, you need to see a solicitor about this. Starting point for division of marital assets would be 50/50. Please realise your worth. He doesn’t get to tell you to leave just because he’s met someone and you then have to slope off and scrape by. The house is a family home. You are the mother of his kids. Please seek legal advice.

Heh. Not the same in terms of devastation/ upheaval, but i once had a bf who did this. Moved away to study some course, swore blind he wanted me to move there to be with him yadda yadda. Until once night he called at midnight and said it was over. Turns out my pal had walked into the same pub as him and the OW, and he scrambled to break up with me before he lost a moral high ground. He did try to get back in for a couple of months, not knowing I knew etc. Eventually I told him he was making a fool of himself, and the best thing he could do now would be to give it his all to the new relationship. Because he would look really daft, and be properly alone, if that fell apart too. Heard through the grapevine her married her.

Point being, these types of people really only care about themselves, and the transaction of relationships. They’re always weighing up the pros and cons of staying in a situation vs leaving - always analysing the greenness of the grass. I’ve no doubt he still has this mindset, and your ex will continue to, too, no matter who they’re with. And why tf would you want to be bogged down by someone that selfish, that insecure? He did you a favour, finally. It’s the most idiotic thing he’s ever done, but you need to ride this wave for all it’s worth and don’t look back. You can’t possibly invite the good stuff and people in while you’re being distracted by his nonsense.

Don't move out! You owe this house too, even if he owned it before you were married. It's the marital home where your children are living. Please see a family lawyer, as you really need advice on how to split your assets in a divorce. It's very likely you will get more than 50% of the equity to buy your own place if the children are going to spend most of their time with you. You are also entitled to a % of his pension which could be valuable if it is an army pension and really important if you were out of work to have children for a period.

Honestly your husband has mugged you off spectacularly, please don't allow him to take advantage financially as well even if only for your children's sake.

He's not worth it OP. You sound like a very caring and supportive person, and quite practical too. I think from now on you should focus all that energy and thought you once put into him back into yourself. I suspect you will absolutely thrive without him dragging you down.

My ex came back after 4 months, I gave him another chance, we had a 4yr old DS. Promised me he wouldn't do it again, and he did 3 months later, he's now living with the OW and her 3 DD, 7 months together now.
Don't be me, don't take him back, he used you and replaced you as harsh as that sounds it's the truth.
Therapy helped me wonders, I dont think my ex would ever try to come back now as I've sussed him out, narasstic little man.

Get what you need financially and legally and say goodbye to the trash bag.

Don’t have him back even if he comes running, he’s shown his true colours and ruined everything because he’s not thinking with his brains. It will never be the same again, move on with your life and just focus on your children for now, one day you will find someone who treats you as you deserve, he’s definitely not worth compromising for.

My ex asked to come back. I told him to get stuffed. Nobody comes back after serving me with divorce papers.

If he's your husband then it isn't just his house. Legally, some of it is yours. You need some legal advice as soon as possible.

Hi ladies, here’s an update on the situation. He came to drop the kids off this morning. I asked if he had spoke to his manager about transferring to a closer place of work to coparent effectively. He said it’s probably not the best time to discuss anything with his boss as he is under investigation for his conduct at work for the 3rd time since January and got a disaplinary not even 4 weeks ago resulting in a written warning. So he’s now on restricted duties and isn’t allowed into the jail or around any prisoners, he is allowed into the gate only. The manager who did his disciplinary is the one who launched the investigation. This will explain why he’s been asking how my house hunting is going as if he loses his job he will lose everything as he’s in so much debt. He is panicking. He looked like a shell of himself and like he was going to cry. He has thrown his wife away, family away for this job and people in it and now it’s not looking great. He’s got his union involved but he’s still very worried. Doesn’t look great.

No, it doesn't look great for him does it.
Not your problem nor your responsibility, he chose to leave, he has another woman.
You look after yourself, and your children and your future.

You are married, you will divorce. You will get x% of the house equity etc.
Is the house mortgaged ? as you say he ' bought ' it. Is the mortgage being paid ?

This 💯

sometimes they come back but if you have any sense you will tell him to turn round and go

Hi OP, his debt and poor work performance is no longer your concern. Hard I know but be indifferent to him. Only deal on child matters and get the best lawyer you can. He has demonstrated he is an utter bastard and I have no doubt if you give him the opportunity he will do the same again.

Please - look after yourself, the kids. Not him. He will have look after himself, clean up his own mess. And now you know that if he tries to come back, it’s because he can’t clean it up himself and he needs your help, not because he wants you back. Sounds harsh? It’s true.

Ok so he’s a new prison officer. The high turnover is because they let all the old staff go and recruited a load of numpties with fuck all ability to engage appropriately with prisoners. More interested in getting off with other staff and the “bantz”. Your husband is shit at his job, and he will leave or be sacked. He’s also a shit dad and husband and you’re well rid.

Do not engage with regards to selling your house, speak to a solicitor and file for divorce. Get whatever you can as you’ll be raising these children while Disney dad takes them for a maccies every now and then.

You can also get a charge out on the house so he can’t sell it from under you. Seek legal advice immediately.

Not your problem.
Seriously - his problems are no longer your problems.

Have you booked an appointment with a divorce solicitor yet?

This!

Although the house is in his name, it’s still a marital asset and you will be entitled to some of the equity.

Well, not your circus not your monkeys anymore..... I believe it's called karma

Don’t fall for any sob story or emotional blackmail, see a solicitor and get what is rightfully yours