Do they come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener?

[alexis97]

Hi everyone, my husband walked out on me 4 weeks ago, he couldn’t tell me why he was unhappy but he started getting very close to another woman at work (ive heard terrible things and so has my sister in law she used to work with her and apparently she isn’t nice). He tried making so many excuses then told me he didn’t know why he was unhappy and before he left told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I know he’s been spending time with this girl because he enjoys her company, he told me this 3 weeks after we split up. It stung but it’s given me the strength to between the tears start to learn my worth. He seems so unbothered and unphased while im breaking my heart, heartbroken and crying everyday. Acting like life is so normal and nothing happened. I was a great wife to him. I supported him leaving the army, getting into his new career, a potential career move that was going on recently and trying to get him out of debt from leaving the army impulsive without a financial plan. I had to go back to work 12 weeks after having my little boy to help with the debt because we couldn’t afford to live and even got myself in 2K worth of debt for him that im still paying. He doesn’t seem bothered, keeps asking if there’s any updates about me moving. Ive supported that man from day one. When we had nothing, I truly loved him. And I didn’t think he’d ever do this to me. we have 2 kids.

I don’t think they’ve thought any of this through, if it’s a rebound or something but she has 2 kids in school and loves her own time and going out partying. Our kids are 3 and 15 months, I can’t see her wanting to change nappies and enjoying our autistic toddler smearing poo all over…

Everyone keeps saying that when he realises the grass is greener he will run back and he will regret it, I don’t see it. What are your thoughts Mumsnet? I just want to see him grovel, he has shown me he’s a weak man. He seems absolutely obsessed with this girl. Not sure if it’s limerence. I know I wasn’t the issue and even his family have said it. It’s just a crap position to be in right now…

Absolutely re don't move out. If this goes to court, you may not need to move until the children are older, as they need a stable home. Don't forget his army pension- you are entitled to half. Be strong and stand up for what is rightfully yours. Unless he agrees to look after the children 50/50, he will owe you maintenance.

It’s not his house. You’re married so it’s a marital asset. You’ve got 3 kids ffs, don’t even consider moving out

Another one urging you to seek legal advice for a share in the marital assets. In your first post you described how supportive you were of his career and presumably, you sacrificed your own to raise the kids that you both had. You did this in the reasonable expectation that in retirement, the assets would be shared and you would be provided for.

My ex went on to marry the new person and they are still together 10 years later. Nobody can really say. When you are heart broken it’s easy to think you want the person back but when the fog clears you won’t. It can take a long time when children are involved because you can’t get away from them but I am so glad he didn’t even try to come back.

Rubbish belongs out of the home: don't take it back.

💪💐

Wow he’s lovely. I ended up in social housing with my daughter and we are so much happier than living in a big house with her arsewipe father.

Please try to start your own thread and people will respond to you. You sound pretty desperate but if you hijack someone else’s people won’t really respond.

He will try to come back, pretty much guaranteed and I say that as ex army and have seen this happen so many times.

You supported his career, you sacrificed your own career and ambitions. Don't dare take him back...... he's made his bed he can lie in it.

Look at how much you've already achieved in just 4 weeks. Six months from now you won't believe how much better you feel apart from him. And he will be paying CM and having visitation which may help a bit . Don't take him back under any circumstances. Let him deal.with the consequences of his actions .

You just need to be strong if he tries to come back and stick to your guns. I’ve had two friends in a similar situation, both hoped their partner/husband would come back and in their cases, neither did (good job in my opinion). One got in with a woman that was so far removed from the partner he cheated on and no one ever thought it would last but for some odd reason, they seem head over heels and have made it work. The other one we expected to come crawling back after his new woman shunned his children, but the spineless shit chose her and hardly sees his children now. Both have learning difficulties, so it was pretty awful that he just left the kids mum to bring them up alone. Some men change beyond recognition, so just brace yourself for that.

I’d say it’s no loss to you if he doesn’t come back and there’s a good chance he won’t. Some people are stubborn and even if it goes tits up, they won’t admit it, especially if they’ve had grief from family/friends about cheating.

I don’t think my ex had an affair, I think he just didn’t want to parent Sen kids anymore. Anyway I see a clear pattern he’s nice and charming for a while acting like we are a couple when I’m just coparenting amicably then he gets distant for a bit, sees less of kid etc for a few week then the cycle starts again. I know he’s got a new person to date when he’s distant then he’s feeling me out for getting back together when he’s single. I know he’s only parenting as a flirtation device with me but I need the help and kids love him. I know if he knew he had no chance with me he would stop parenting so I am just polite and cheerful while internally screaming at myself not to fall for it until he goes distant again and I’m reminded he’s a selfish arse.

my advice is write down all you are feeling. Note how it’s impacting your sleep, eating, social life, finances, your energy to parent etc. Write it all out and keep the note and refer back to it if ever he does come back and you are tempted. They don’t really want to come back they just don’t want to be alone and will fuck off again when they think they have good odds elsewhere

Agree.

Do NOt leave.

He has left. That’s on him.

you remain in your home. Speak to a lawyer.

My ex cheated on me with my best friend at the time. He tried to come back and then tried to overdose when I wouldn’t take him back.

honestly, laughing in their face and kicking the door firmly shut is the best feeling in the world when they come slithering back. Keep prioritising yourself and forget about that snake

I don’t think they usually come back. A small about do, but it rarely works out.

why do you want him back?
why are you even thinking about the OW changing your kids nappies.

in my experience and in close friends I know about, they leave, loose interest in the kids, and carry on with the OW. Sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy.

Youve got to find your strength here. Wishing you the best.

Your life will only get better and easier now that you know he’s a sack of shit.

he will realise he’s made a mistake and may well try and crawl back, but you can enjoy telling him to go fuck himself.

his new bird will live in fear he’ll do it to her as he now has a vacancy for a mistress but that’s on her!

get some sound advice but as others have said, it’s not his house, it’s a marital asset and you and the kids are entitled to it.

enjoy and embrace a bright new future x

Then say no, it is not hard

Please read this and take note. Don't let him rush you into losing out

I would hope that by the time he realises what a mistake he has made - that you have come to terms with what a mistake he is.
Let him ruin his life. You need to rebuild yours without him. Lock and bolt the door. Second best is desperation - not loyalty.

Why would you want him back?

Change the locks OP

He's a cunt, pure and simple.

You deserve so much more than this man ever gave you @alexis97

It’s your house too op, 50/50 -do not let him say otherwise. Get a solicitor

Reason he wants to rush you out is to make it harder for you to claim what's yours. Go to your solicitor. Married men cant just chuck the mother of their children out onto the street and claim the marital home as all theirs. It's your house too. You either worked or raised the kids so he could work and therefore money earned during that time is half yours too. Or there abouts. Don't let him con you any longer. See if the solicitor can get your debt repaid from his share too.

Just reposting this so that it sinks in @alexis97

Don't let your ex chuck you and the children out.

Appologies- new x

This! The very best way forward. Your future self will thank you.

And the chances are you won’t care anyway when/if he comes back as you’ll have moved on.