Do they come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener?

[alexis97]

Hi everyone, my husband walked out on me 4 weeks ago, he couldn’t tell me why he was unhappy but he started getting very close to another woman at work (ive heard terrible things and so has my sister in law she used to work with her and apparently she isn’t nice). He tried making so many excuses then told me he didn’t know why he was unhappy and before he left told me he loved me and I was his best friend. I know he’s been spending time with this girl because he enjoys her company, he told me this 3 weeks after we split up. It stung but it’s given me the strength to between the tears start to learn my worth. He seems so unbothered and unphased while im breaking my heart, heartbroken and crying everyday. Acting like life is so normal and nothing happened. I was a great wife to him. I supported him leaving the army, getting into his new career, a potential career move that was going on recently and trying to get him out of debt from leaving the army impulsive without a financial plan. I had to go back to work 12 weeks after having my little boy to help with the debt because we couldn’t afford to live and even got myself in 2K worth of debt for him that im still paying. He doesn’t seem bothered, keeps asking if there’s any updates about me moving. Ive supported that man from day one. When we had nothing, I truly loved him. And I didn’t think he’d ever do this to me. we have 2 kids.

I don’t think they’ve thought any of this through, if it’s a rebound or something but she has 2 kids in school and loves her own time and going out partying. Our kids are 3 and 15 months, I can’t see her wanting to change nappies and enjoying our autistic toddler smearing poo all over…

Everyone keeps saying that when he realises the grass is greener he will run back and he will regret it, I don’t see it. What are your thoughts Mumsnet? I just want to see him grovel, he has shown me he’s a weak man. He seems absolutely obsessed with this girl. Not sure if it’s limerence. I know I wasn’t the issue and even his family have said it. It’s just a crap position to be in right now…

No, mine regretted his new life and tried to come back but with some distance it was like looking at a stranger.

Although he was the adulterer, he treat me as if I was. It was awful, I could write a book! He was cruel.

When he asked if he could come back, I remember thinking. ‘I deserve better, if I were the young, single me, would I be interested in a man like you?’

The answer was NO!

He married her, an unsettled marriage. She turned out to be everything her ex husband said she was too. She has just left my ExH, 20 years later.

I hope she is as horrible as the rumours. It'll serve him right.

Of course he'll regret it. Because his kids will grow up thinking he'sna wanker. And either that'll be sad for him or his ego won't be able to handle that.

It may happen before then, when s/he gets bored.
Or he realises she doesn't measure up.

Ultimately she's done you a massive favour. This is who he is. A person who is only out for himself. A rubbish father and a shit husband.

Focus on making your life great. Take all you can in the divorce.

It kills them when you don't care. So find a way not to.

In some cases, yes men will come back with their tail between their legs, begging forgiveness and telling their partner what he feels she needs to hear. Often it's because the other relationship has fizzled out once the excitement of an affair disappears and reality kicks in. They haven't come back out of remorse/realising they've made a mistake/or because they genuinely love their partner. They've come back because it's better than having nowhere to go or moving back in with their parents!! The likelihood is, they will cheat again, and again. Ultimately, they don't really want to be with their partner, don't love them but it's better than having noone! Other times, the man leaves, and never comes back. At the moment it's all raw and recent for you, and there may be a part of you that does want your husband back. Please don't. I can guarantee, that sooner rather than later he will cheat again, he may even leave again too. It's emotionally draining for you, but more importantly it's the damage it will do to your children. You deserve much better.

He's a horrible man he might come back if it goes horribly wrong for him but this is where you can grow your confidence and if he does tell him to sling his hook.

He really doesn't deserve a second thought of your time the way he has just brushed you and the children aside it might not seem like it now but you and the children will become stronger and be better off not in a relationship with someone like that.

If this other woman is that bad then he will realise pretty quickly but this is where you need to be strong and stand firm and say what goes around comes around.

You don't need him believe in yourself life can and will be much better without him

oh let him run back OP. Think how wonderful it’ll feel to laugh at him and shut the door in his face.

Very often yes, but by then you have realised that actually life without him is ok and the scales have fallen from your eyes. You see the man he actually is, not the man you thought he was, and you wont want him back.

Hello people
i have been married for 34 years to an alcohol dependent , drug addicted bully who has become more and more verbally and emotionaly abuse over the years.
He is rude and opinionated and sometimes I just cringe when we’re out because he pushes past people and doesn’t seem to notice their reactions.
our grown up daughters both love him but have as little to do with him as possible because he was and remains verbally abusive throughout their childhoods. The final straw for my eldest was a simple difference of opinion and because she challenged him, he told her he wished she had never been conceived- then criticised her for over reacting .
for my youngest, he continued to make her unhappy at regular intervals with spiteful texts and bullying- so she doesn’t come to see us at home because of him. we all have mental health issues, he just seems to forget whatever he’s said, makes us look stupid for taking him seriously and after his many shouting, name calling and making us cry. Still.
He mocks my mental health, calling me a loony with accompanying gestures, it’s strange because he can’t see that he’s the problem not us.
I know you’re thinking I must be incapable of accepting the truth, but it’s been a long time and because we’ve both threatened to divorce/ leave the other it’s so scary for me and I’m an empathetic and know he’ll fall apart, cry, beg etc and I’ll feel bad. I know that’s pathetic- but I know I’ll have to just leave when he’s not here or I never will.
i know I deserve better, people have told me this forever, but I’ve never been brave enough to stand on my own two feet (58 next month)
I know I’ll only be truly happy away from his toxicity, I know I should realise he’s actually what I say he is, but he can be so lovely and generous and kind, there must be a decent person in there, right?
it’s like I’ve read this thinking if it was about someone else I’d say, LEAVE!
but it’s me and that’s different.
anyone?

I meant to say, he won’t believe me for a second if I say I’m really leaving, he’ll you just think I’m doing it for a reaction

@34yearsinthedarkness You'd probably be better starting your own thread as people tend to respond to the OP.

As a woman of nearly 58, you're looking at spending your retirement with this man if you stay. How do you see that playing out? What happens if he becomes ill & infirm and needs a carer- is that how you want to spend your old age, looking after him? Or if situations reversed, what if you became dependent on him for care?

You only get the one life. Don't you think it's time you broke free?

Also, it sounds more like co-dependent than empath.

Not sure how to start a thread
i pretty much gave it a desperate stab in the datk

Im so sorry to hear what you are going through @34yearsinthedarknesslife is so short and you have dedicated so much of your time and support to this man, I think you need to leave as soon as you can and go and be with your babies, enjoy the rest of your years building happiness with your girls. That’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself you’ve dedicated enough to this man x

what do you mean he asks if there are any updates on you moving?

whose house is it?

is he expecting you to leave?

It’s his house he bought it, I’m currently waiting for a housing application for social housing and ive had to claim universal credit. He wants to sell the house to get out of his debt x

On a phone, From this page, go up and click on 'relationships'. Then the bottom of your phone screen will say 'add thread'. Click on that.

Everything he says and does has started to irritate me. He lost a well paid job/s in sales for his laziness and attitude so we are claiming benefits and we have heavy joint debts I can’t see a way out of. I have never been allowed to have online banking and he opens all the post. I’m clueless.
i plucked up the courage to contact a DA charity and having an assessment on Friday.
ive done this before though and he found out and I had to say I over embellished it and back out.
His alcohol problems means no sex for five years and I’m like, really? I’m a very young 58 not 88 and even at that age!
im not being trite I’m not, I have no friends, because of him and I’m really social and positive and I try to maintain my huge sense of humour. I just need other people to read this from a position of impartiality and be brutally honest
please

You are entitled to a share of the profit, if any. Get the house valued yourself and find out what he owes you. He can also pay you back for the debts.

Ime of what I’ve witnessed, women that men leave their wives for are usually younger or party girls, enjoy the thrill of a married man and get bored when they’re now the one picking up his pants and socks. Men usually don’t like being on their own so tend to come back to wifey.

If he comes back cos the grass ain't greener.....mow the fucker over and move on!

Mine did.

I didn't take him long.

I wish I had of let OW keep him.

Or they regret it as others say and realise what they’ve lost. One or t’other.

Don't do the ' pick me ' dance.

If he does find ' the grass wasn't greener ' but in fact it was ' out of the frying pan into the fire ' then you can just smile sweetly having moved on yourself with your dignity and pride intact.

He's your husband and it's the marital home so it doesn't matter if he bought it, you are due a share of all marital assets. Pursue it. Don't try to be nice, he will always make you out to be the bad guy, he will keep on taking if you let him. See a solicitor and get your due. Do not leave the family home until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Stop right there. Whoever’s name it’s in, if you’re married then the house (equity anyway) is half yours. Like all your assets, all your debts, pensions, whatever. Please get legal advice now and make sure you have a financial settlement in place before you move out. If there’s equity there you don’t want him pissing it away sorting his issues out and having no ability to pay you what’s yours.
Seriously, do not move out until there’s a binding agreement about the sale proceeds. Remember that he can’t evict you and he can’t sell if you are still there.
I know that after such a short time, things will be raw as hell- but now is the time it’s easy to make mistakes that will be hard to rectify later.
Best of luck to you, chin up

You absolutely must not take him back. Just don’t. Now is your time to shine. Climb higher and enjoy the view. He’ll kick you into the gutter again if you let him back into your life.

Go totally no contact with him. No socials, no texting, no going where he might be, no checking up on him via friends and family. Set up a new email address just for co-parenting arrangements.

Theres plenty of support on Instagram, It’ll take time to recover from his treachery but he sounds typical and you have to stay strong. Turn yourself into someone he will seriously regret taking for granted. Leave the dregs of this narcissist to his new supply,

Reason he wants to rush you out is to make it harder for you to claim what's yours. Go to your solicitor. Married men cant just chuck the mother of their children out onto the street and claim the marital home as all theirs. It's your house too. You either worked or raised the kids so he could work and therefore money earned during that time is half yours too. Or there abouts. Don't let him con you any longer. See if the solicitor can get your debt repaid from his share too.