Frustrated DH always prioritising family time over couple time

[magpiemagpuy]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

We’re in counselling at the moment, and one thing our therapist has made very clear is that while we’re doing fine individually and as a family unit, our couple time is really lacking — and it shows in how disconnected we’ve been feeling.

The issue is, every time I suggest something for just the two of us — even something small like a date night or a low-key outing — he gives it a kind of lukewarm, polite interest… and then immediately leapfrogs into suggesting how that idea could work even better as a family activity.

So I’ll say, “How about we try that new restaurant together one evening?” and he’ll say, “Yeah, maybe,” but then straight after it’s, “Actually, the kids would love that place — we should all go!” And that plan suddenly gets all his enthusiasm and follow-up.

It feels like anything I bring up for us gets repurposed into a family plan he’s way more keen to make happen.

What’s extra frustrating is he’s really proactive when it comes to planning stuff for the kids or friends — messages sent, things booked, all sorted. But when it’s just us, I have to keep reminding him or wait ages for any kind of confirmation or commitment. It ends up feeling like couple time is just an afterthought — something he’s happy to do if it fits around everything else, but never something he actively prioritises.

Our counsellor keeps saying the same thing: we have plenty of individual time and family time — what’s missing is us. And it’s really beginning to get to me, because I don’t think I’m asking for much — just a bit of protected time for the two of us to reconnect.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How did you get your partner to actually value couple time without it always turning into a family plan?

I think you need to address this in your next counselling session - if it’s been raised by your therapist then he must know that this is an issue? He needs to explore, in your session, why he isn’t committing to change things.

I would think he has his priorities right?

I had a friend like this - she rarely agreed to an adult only event with her DH as a couple or with other couples. Everything had to be inclusive of their children. After the children had reached early adulthood, the DH left her for somebody else. Her social life is now fixated on her adult children and grandchildren.

I appreciate DH being a good parent but our marriage and my mental health are suffering. I feel very alone and frustrated by his apparent lack of care/awareness of how this dynamic impacts me.

our counsellor has highlighted it several times and DH has started to be more proactive in planning the odd thing but any time I suggest a nice couples night or day out it becomes how we can get children involved. It’s like he’s scared to be alone with me!

How old are the children? Are they your joint children or just his?

And how does he respond when your councillor points out the lack of couple time?

They’re our children and are 6/8

He agrees with our counsellor but I’ve noticed he will always try to raise some type of issue or says we’re so busy and it’s so difficult to arrange time out together as we don’t have family to rely on etc.

basically lists issues that we could work around together quite easily

Im thinking he’s not that into you.
sorry OP.
defo one to discuss with the therapist. Seems fairly obvious he’s avoiding time with you. Why. Is he scared of something? Perhaps that you’ll want to continue the intimacy at home and he has performance issues? Could he secretly be seeing someone else?

Frankly I think you are being unreasonable. Why are you I therapy anyway? You sound like all is rubbing along OK? You are a family at the moment. One day you will be more of a couple. I think you should be grateful rather than critical. Maybe this is why he's reluctant. Don't know how old your children are but by mid teens you will have lots of couples time.

If you’d bothered to read the thread @Funnyduck60 you’ll see that the OP has already said how old her DC are.

And there’s nothing unreasonable at all about wanting to spend some time with just your partner.

@magpiemagpuy maybe if you be a little more proactive/strategic so basically have a few date nights in so you make sure the kids are upstairs perhaps half hour earlier and then just get a takeaway/wine and watch movie/chat. Who knows if he likes it might encourage him to do more formal ‘out out’ couple stuff with you? It’s good that you are prioritising it I think. People on here being a bit mean saying you can have couples time when kids are grown up but many times what happens then is couples realise they actually don’t have anything to say once kids have flown the nest! So again, good that you’re at least trying to do something positive in the here and now.

I think he knows exactly what he’s doing - sorry OP but from what you’ve said it really feels like he’s purposely avoiding 121 time with you.
That needs to be a bluntly asked question at your next session. You need a straight answer from him or maybe don’t wait and just ask him now?

This is the wrong place to ask this question, OP. As you can see, a lot of people will just tell you that expecting to have a relationship with your intimate partner when you have young children is "unrealistic" and "not a priority" and you "should be grateful" that he is actively avoiding alone time with you.

You need to call him on it, unambiguously. Up to you whether you choose to do it in private or with your therapist, but I'd spell out what you have here: he makes continuous excuses, he invents obstacles, he very obviously has zero enthusiasm for it. He's afraid of something. Maybe he thinks there's nothing left in your relationship and is afraid to face it. Hard to say. But the pattern is obvious.

Don't you get couple time when the dcs are in bed? They're quite young so surely in bed by nine pm. That gives you every evening together.

Can't you book a lovely takeaway, hunt out a decent film and have couple time then?

I'm with your dh on this one. Eating out is very expensive so if I go, I want the whole family to enjoy it.

He sounds as if for some reason he’s not bothered about spending time alone with you. You might talk about how you feel about that.

Or maybe he just wants to include his children.

Is he at work all day, and doesn't see much of them?

I also think the pattern is obvious.

I’ve asked him outright what the issue is and he says he wants to spend time with me and that we do spend time together. For me I don’t find a few nights a week on the sofa and then bed at 9:30 fulfilling.

i want to go out and do new fun things together. When are do get time alone we have a great time. It’s just few and far between and I feel I’m the one driving it much of the time.

he’s always telling me and counsellor in our sessions how much he loves me and our family and will do anything for us.

we also have a good sex life but this issues is a real sticking point and I now get very wound up by it

Sorry OP but that is a bit having young kids. It’s isn’t the way it used to be and the family should be the priority.

It’s very very hard in a stressful, busy, exhausting life to find time after work, kids and family.

Yeah carving out time is needed but a small thing like having dinner out isn’t a small thing really - it’s organising the kids, making them dinner, contacting and getting a babysitter, cleaning the house etc etc etc.

I think your OH should hear and listen to what you need and try but also you need to understand that maybe what you want isn’t always possible right now. Or organise the night out yourself and have the sitter turn up and go.

Sorry but in my opinion I don’t think this is abnormal and a lot of people prioritise their family and kids.

I think it’s positive you are speaking to a councillor about this and would be worth investigating why this is bothering you so much?

Um. Isn’t the problem that he clearly doesn’t want to? I’m sorry op, but you can’t force/counsel someone to want to spend time with just you.

I think if something is really upsetting you, and you have communicated that clearly to him, and he does not work to fix that issue. Then it’s a really bad sign.

It means he is happy how things are, and does not really care that you are not.

And Thats not good.

Sounds like it's just life with young children. Going out isn't easy, according to my friends with children that age. But bring it up in therapy.

You can’t force someone to want to do something op

you can only think to yourself… do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be alone with me even though doing things is important to me

how do you spend your evenings with him? Share a bed?

So really OP, this isn't a lack of couple time, he's quite happy to be with you and loves you.

You are looking for fun exciting nights out, going to new places, and he's happy to chill out at home after work and after the dcs are in bed.

You have different expectations.

they are 6 and 8

will be sleeping well, eating well, at school, and likely able to watch tv and play themselves.