Frustrated DH always prioritising family time over couple time

[magpiemagpuy]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

We’re in counselling at the moment, and one thing our therapist has made very clear is that while we’re doing fine individually and as a family unit, our couple time is really lacking — and it shows in how disconnected we’ve been feeling.

The issue is, every time I suggest something for just the two of us — even something small like a date night or a low-key outing — he gives it a kind of lukewarm, polite interest… and then immediately leapfrogs into suggesting how that idea could work even better as a family activity.

So I’ll say, “How about we try that new restaurant together one evening?” and he’ll say, “Yeah, maybe,” but then straight after it’s, “Actually, the kids would love that place — we should all go!” And that plan suddenly gets all his enthusiasm and follow-up.

It feels like anything I bring up for us gets repurposed into a family plan he’s way more keen to make happen.

What’s extra frustrating is he’s really proactive when it comes to planning stuff for the kids or friends — messages sent, things booked, all sorted. But when it’s just us, I have to keep reminding him or wait ages for any kind of confirmation or commitment. It ends up feeling like couple time is just an afterthought — something he’s happy to do if it fits around everything else, but never something he actively prioritises.

Our counsellor keeps saying the same thing: we have plenty of individual time and family time — what’s missing is us. And it’s really beginning to get to me, because I don’t think I’m asking for much — just a bit of protected time for the two of us to reconnect.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How did you get your partner to actually value couple time without it always turning into a family plan?

I think a lot of couples do just sacrifice couple time until the kids are older. That’s what dh and I do, as something has to give and we don’t have family childcare around.

But… this isn’t working for you, so it is something he should be working on. It sounds like he is making an effort, but not enough of one. Bring it up in your next counselling session as something you want to focus on fully in that session. Hammer home how much it means to you.

I think a lot of couples do just sacrifice couple time until the kids are older. That’s what dh and I do, as something has to give and we don’t have family childcare around

This.
DH and I didn’t do anything as a couple until the kids all hit high school. We had zero family anywhere near, had some SN kids in the mix and babysitting was in the too hard basket. Plus, until they were older DH and I worked opposite days/shifts so we didn’t even have much family time, and we would have felt awful prioritising us over that! Would it have been good if things were different, sure, but you make the best of it and if that’s no couples time until high school years, it is what it is. I thought this was the more common scenario these days and quite surprised to read some people do get couples time! Who knows, if we had couples time we may have even got divorced🤣. We had no real chance to irritate each other so seemed to work for the best.

Why are so many women willing to insist here that its ok for the dh to essentially avoid being alone with his wife? And must we continually get these humblebrags “I was never treated as anything special by my old man—we didn’t have a moment alone because me and the fifty children living in the shoe didn't have the luxury of time apart! And I’m sure we are all the better for it!”

There seems to be some anxious thoughts here about men and their families. This feels, somehow, like its related to the current post pointing out the number of threads about abusive men that start with the phrase “amazing dad.” Is it so unusual for men to enjoy the company of their own children and their partners? Is it assumed that it must be a stark choice: neglect one to chose the other? The posters explaining (tediously and obviously) that its hard to get babysitters seem to subtly be arguing that you can’t be both romantically involved with and interested in your wife and also reliably there for your children. The baseline assumption seems to be that the average man would prioritize sex and abandon the home entirely under normal conditions.

They are even in couples therapy and he can’t or won’t change this pattern. This is a problem for this couple even if it isn’t for some people.

@HoppingPavlova

no family time until the kids go to secondary school is definitely unusual! That’s a long time!

OP, maybe you are easier to be around when the kids are there. It's quite a simple explanation not at all impossible.
Therapy is all well and good but he needs to enjoy the time with you alone, away from home, in order for him to want to make the effort. He wouldn't say this to your face or admit it to your therapist with you present.

@pikkumyy77 I think it’s very much an Americanisation that has crept in about everything being about ‘family’ time . I remember Bill Bryson commenting on this when he went back to USA to live for a while. Blokes who didn’t dare do anything on their own ‘ever’ for more than an hour because of an obsession their wives had with ‘family time’ - now I’m all for blokes mucking in equal work etc ( same with wives) but do think family time to the exclusion of all else isn’t a great idea , ‘unless’ you are both very much of that mindset and clearly OP isn’t . It’s one of 3 things- OPs H is of that mindset or he no longer sees her ‘in a romantic partner way ‘ or he finds it boring out on a one to one with her. OP needs to see which it is and how she feels about that

I agree with the idea of the "humblebrags" on here! It's amazing & a bit depressing how many women seem to think the OP is expecting too much to want to spend quality time with her husband without the kids around.

Yes. And this awful expectation that parents have to parents 24/7 even when the children are in bed.

It doesn't make you a better parent if you don't spend any time away from the home, whatever you might think. Children love their parents to love each other and devoting time to your relationship is an important aspect of this.

It seems to be a weird MN “thing” that couples should just be expected to never spend any time alone together once they’ve got children. Everyone I know in real life has couples time, even if it’s dinner together with some wine once the kids are in bed, or a sneaky pub lunch when they’re in school.

This idea that women should just be happy to never go on date nights again once she’s married is bonkers to me. I’m not surprised so many marriages fall apart if that’s considered the norm.