Frustrated DH always prioritising family time over couple time

[magpiemagpuy]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

We’re in counselling at the moment, and one thing our therapist has made very clear is that while we’re doing fine individually and as a family unit, our couple time is really lacking — and it shows in how disconnected we’ve been feeling.

The issue is, every time I suggest something for just the two of us — even something small like a date night or a low-key outing — he gives it a kind of lukewarm, polite interest… and then immediately leapfrogs into suggesting how that idea could work even better as a family activity.

So I’ll say, “How about we try that new restaurant together one evening?” and he’ll say, “Yeah, maybe,” but then straight after it’s, “Actually, the kids would love that place — we should all go!” And that plan suddenly gets all his enthusiasm and follow-up.

It feels like anything I bring up for us gets repurposed into a family plan he’s way more keen to make happen.

What’s extra frustrating is he’s really proactive when it comes to planning stuff for the kids or friends — messages sent, things booked, all sorted. But when it’s just us, I have to keep reminding him or wait ages for any kind of confirmation or commitment. It ends up feeling like couple time is just an afterthought — something he’s happy to do if it fits around everything else, but never something he actively prioritises.

Our counsellor keeps saying the same thing: we have plenty of individual time and family time — what’s missing is us. And it’s really beginning to get to me, because I don’t think I’m asking for much — just a bit of protected time for the two of us to reconnect.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How did you get your partner to actually value couple time without it always turning into a family plan?

once bitten, twice shy

I think you are right to want to prioritise time alone and going out together as a couple.
It's so easy to lose yourselves in the kid years and I think solely prioritising your children is a dangerous path to tread
Before you know it, all you can talk about is the kids & you have lost sight of each other as individuals, not just parents.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what any of us think, other couples will see things differently, the main thing here is that YOU aren't happy and your DH doesn't seem willing to proactively address that or to really acknowledge it.

I think I would be inclined to sit him down away from the therapist and ask him outright why he seems to be avoiding spending quality time with you.

He's not doing everything for you though is he - you want to go out with him - he's avoiding this for some reason. Push him hard on this in your session.

i want to go out and do new fun things together

Seriously, @magpiemagpuy , what did you think having children entails???

Why can't you enjoy your children, together with your husband, for the VERY short time whilst they are little?

As a woman in my 70s, I can tell you that you will regret it if you don't.

Those years are my most treasured memories. Since then, my husband and I have enjoyed some great us-only times. And we still do, decades later.

What you sow now you will reap in the years to come.

Why can't she have a bit of both?

She's not asking a lot - it's not like she wants to go out dancing every night and never spend time as a family.

A date night just the two of them once in a while is all she's after.

Some people have a very low bar for their relationship here. I don't want to just 'rub along nicely'.

I have kids the same age, though due to a mixture of disability and neurodiversity, We have little opportunity to go out together of an evening, save for the occasional sleepover with grandparents. We also don't get much of an evening.

And you know what, whilst that's okay because we don't have much choice, it's something we both miss. We crave spending that time alone with each other because are a couple as well as parents. I'm not worried if we haven't had a night out together in 6 months, I would be if neither of us were missing it.

I think the problem here is that as a couple they aren't on the same page. That's more relevant than the going out together bit.
If her H was craving spending time alone with the OP too but simply pointing out practical concerns it might be ok but it sounds from the OP's posts that he actively avoids spending time together as a couple.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and possible to want to spend the odd night out together as a couple during the childhood years and still spend plenty of time as a family. The issue here is the husband's apparent reluctance to do so.

Sigh. It's just a few years!

We had no family nearby, or any kind of help, so we just got on with it. We followed our own interests, separately, during those years when they were tiny. We both had a couple of nights off each month to do our own thing.

Our 'date nights' happened once they were in bed.

When the youngest was about 2 we joined a babysitting club and started to go out 2-3 times a month.

Such happy times. We never felt deprived. Now in our 70s and still married.

"When the youngest was about 2 we joined a babysitting club..."

The OP's kids are 6 and 8 and they don't go out at all!

Their oldest is 8, so it's been 8 years, and they don't have that 2-3 nights a month through a babysitting club. That 2-3 nights a month you had is exactly what OP wants.

Oops, sorry - I missed that!!

Clearly, they the husband has issues...

@Enrichetta

a lot can happen in a few years. Including a marriage going to complete shit and divorce. Life is short - why not enjoy family time AND couple time seeing as both are equally important? Why wait?! Especially when it’s making one unhappy as it is for Op.

Have you tried taking the initiative and organising cover for the kids while you go out for dinner, or even a night away? How would he feel if you surprised him with a done deal and he wasn’t able to shoehorn the children or other people into the arrangements?

His reaction would tell you a lot, I think. If he’s happy and excited, great. If he seems unenthusiastic, disappointed or pissed off, then yeah, you’ve definitely got ‘alone time’ problems. Even if your sex life is still good, this is a fundamental avoidance of intimacy, which is something you definitely need to get to the bottom of. Feeling that you’re not enough - in whatever way - for your partner to want to spend time with you can only lead to loneliness and resentment.

I knew a couple like this - he’d avoid being alone with her even to the extent of booking their mid-teen kids into the same hotel room with them on holiday (not for financial reasons - they were loaded). Sadly it didn’t end well.

To @Enrichetta’s point, I don’t see why parents have to entirely subsume their needs as individuals and as a couple when they’re raising a family. Having children involves lots of sacrifices, and rightly so, but it’s not particularly healthy for your relationship if your every waking moment and interaction is centred on nothing but your kids. To have the occasional night out when you can remember who you both are and what you like about each other doesn’t seem too much to ask!

Agree. He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you, he may be avoiding emotional intimacy. And if the physical intimacy is continuing as normal, he probably has no incentive to seek emotional closeness with you. He is not meeting one of your essential needs, whilst you're meeting all of his... something to think about?

You were both happy with it. That's great. They have the option unlike your situation at the time.

OP is feeling unhappy in her situation and like her husband doesn't want to spend time with her.

I don't think forcing it will help, but maybe he needs to be honest.

Why the patronising "sigh" at the beginning of your post?

Then you go on to describe exactly what the OP wants & is asking for when you say you joined the babysitting club & went out 2-3 times a month!

What a sad and strange thing to post. Of course they need couple time! And she is not odd or selfish for wanting it.

Sorry but at those ages, I think he has his priorities right.

Obviously there us a happy medium. Why can’t he do both? Why won’t he do both?

My dh is a wonderful parent to our two girls but always found the time to be romantic with me.

I don’t understand this weird “ got his priorities right” sniffing as though a man can’t both do kid things with kids and adult things with adults.

Usually on mumsnet there is a chirus of shrieking if an OP complains that her DH prioritizes a stag do or footy over the family “oh but adults must have their adult interests!” Its weird that on a site for women a woman's request to be prioritized by her husband us given such scant respect.

Some very odd posts on here which seems to be almost shaming the OP for wanting a bit of time alone with her husband while defending the husband to the hilt.
He knows she's unhappy and is not really acknowledging that or trying to do anything about it.

When did it become such a crime to want to spend some time alone with your partner? 🤷‍♂️

Do either of you WFH? Can you meet at lunchtime sometimes? I always think paying a babysitter is a waste and would rather use that money to take the kids too, but we don’t get enough couple time, I get that.

Some of these responses are so depressing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting (and needing) "couple time" when you have young children. I remember my parents going out once a week when I was growing up - to dinner or to the theatre, and I honestly think it's one of the reasons why they're still happily married into retirement.

I'd feel so sad if DH never wanted to go out with me anymore.

Well said!

I think the thread has been invaded by the oodies and hot chocolate and heated blanket and takeaway pizza brigade who don’t do anything at all that doesn’t involve their kids. There is notbingxwrong with that ‘if’ you are on your own or are all on the same page but OP clearly isn’t . And my H certainly wouldn’t have been either - my marriage isn’t perfect for all kinds of reasons and no longer have son at home but I’ve always enjoyed nights out on our own - If OP doesn’t want family life to be one long Waltons family that is her prerogative - I suspect her H doesn’t particularly enjoy nights out with her one to one ( maybe lack of connection or conversation topics) and prefers nights out with kids or friends - what would annoy me more though is he is still expecting to want a sex life with someone he doesn’t seem to feel very connected to