Frustrated DH always prioritising family time over couple time

[magpiemagpuy]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

We’re in counselling at the moment, and one thing our therapist has made very clear is that while we’re doing fine individually and as a family unit, our couple time is really lacking — and it shows in how disconnected we’ve been feeling.

The issue is, every time I suggest something for just the two of us — even something small like a date night or a low-key outing — he gives it a kind of lukewarm, polite interest… and then immediately leapfrogs into suggesting how that idea could work even better as a family activity.

So I’ll say, “How about we try that new restaurant together one evening?” and he’ll say, “Yeah, maybe,” but then straight after it’s, “Actually, the kids would love that place — we should all go!” And that plan suddenly gets all his enthusiasm and follow-up.

It feels like anything I bring up for us gets repurposed into a family plan he’s way more keen to make happen.

What’s extra frustrating is he’s really proactive when it comes to planning stuff for the kids or friends — messages sent, things booked, all sorted. But when it’s just us, I have to keep reminding him or wait ages for any kind of confirmation or commitment. It ends up feeling like couple time is just an afterthought — something he’s happy to do if it fits around everything else, but never something he actively prioritises.

Our counsellor keeps saying the same thing: we have plenty of individual time and family time — what’s missing is us. And it’s really beginning to get to me, because I don’t think I’m asking for much — just a bit of protected time for the two of us to reconnect.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How did you get your partner to actually value couple time without it always turning into a family plan?

No where, not once, In your op do you actually say what you say in response to him “repurposing” your suggestions to include children and friends.

So do you silently simmer OP? Or do you communicate with your husband and say “oh this occasion, how about just you and me because I’m thinking we need a bit of together time, just you and me”

I wouldn't be having sex with him until he'd demonstrated he valued time with me as a person and not just something to fuck.

They are in therapy and have been discussing this so they must have talked about it a bit.

Indeed

so my point is… OP incorporate what’s been undoubtedly covered in therapy regarding communication

So you do get to spend time alone with him at home but you want to go out together more? Do you think that would be more romantic? Or are you just missing doing stuff? If the latter, could you do it with a friend.

I am a bit similar to your DH. It wasn't that I didn't want to do stuff with my DH, just that we didn't have anyone nearby I was comfortable to leave the DC with. Also that we didn't have a lot of spare money at the time so I preferred to spend what we did have on doing family things. Mine are old enough to be left now but I still don't do much with just DH as we both work long hours and I want to do special things like going out for a meal all together as we don't get a lot of family time now! Luckily DH is on the same page as me but I appreciate how tricky it woukd be if you have different ideas.

It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to spend time with you, it might just be caught up with feelings about the children. I agree with PP that communication is key. If you are seeking therapy, there must be more amiss than just not going out to dinner together.

My husband and I far prefer including our daughter in stuff. When she’s not here, we tend to enjoy the quiet time in the house. It works for us because we are on the same page.

We are a bit similar. We spend time together on the sofa and eat lunch together at home if we are both wfh but very rarely go out. We both go out separately with friends, me more than him. We do have peiple we could ask to babysit. I'm fairly emotionally and physically weary and can't really be bothered with meals or drinks out. We had a great evening out doing something unique about 18m ago and reconnected again, but haven't done it since. It worries me a bit. I hope it will get better when the kids are older and we won't have drifted too far apart. But the children are our priority for now, rightly or wrongly.

is there a reason you dont want the dc involved op?

why are you having counselling?

Totally this.

The reason why my husband and I are still together after 5 decades is because he was a wonderful dad. Really!!

These years pass so quickly. Enjoy them, as a family. These were, truly, the best years of my life.

And have great sex when the kids are asleep and you aren't too tired. Granted, the latter can be elusive - especially if you are hoping for both of you to be frisky and alert at the same time!- but you will be mixing the glue that may help you go the distance.

Because it's supposed to be date-night and couple-time?

@HoppingPavlova

he doesn’t though does he? His marriage is suffering big time. Making time for each other as a couple is just as important as time with the kids. It’s not the kids who matter in a family.

@Funnyduck60

a lot of people want more than “rubbing along ok” from their relationship. And they’re evidently not even doing that as OP sounds unhappy and they are in therapy afterall.

its ok to have higher standards for your relationship than “rubbing along ok” even after you become a parent

so forced couple time
doesnt sound great

@Calmdownpeople

why does OP and her husband going out for dinner entail cleaning the house??!

@EleanorReally

can you really not think why??

No, not forced. Supposed to be something you enjoy together to keep your adult, romantic and sexual connection strong. Talk about something other than kids and home.

That he has no interest in spending time with OP on her own just talking and having fun is probably why they're in relationship counselling.

op should answer @Cherrytree86 but they are not back yet

^^ This

I was thinking this also. Surely you have time, just the two of you, in the evenings when the DC's are in bed? What do you do with that time?

DH and I always used that time to connect, talk about our days, discuss other family stuff, have dinner together, watch some TV we both enjoy.

You don't need to 'go out' to have time together just the two of you.

Do you have someone who can look after the children, if you went out for the evening? If you don't, then clearly going out for a date night, is going to be difficult. If you do have family/friends who would be willing to babysit for you, then going out once a month, just the two of you isn't logistical an issue. The issue then becomes the fact, your husband is reluctant. He's happy to spend time with you during family time and goes out and sees his friends. You obviously do have some 'adult time' together in the evening, but you want to actually get dressed up and go out. I can understand that. However, what does an evening look like? Do you just sit in front of the TV, scrolling on phones and barely saying two words to each other? Or do you say: no phones, no chores, sit and chat, perhaps watch a movie/listen to music/play a board game etc? You need something at home that makes you interact. Not sit, saying nothing to each other. Perhaps by changing how you're interacting in the evenings first, and see if it leads to him wanting to go on a date night. If he starts making excuses at home - he needs to do xyz and isn't sitting to chat etc, then you have bigger issues going on.

A lot of women who claim to been happily rubbing along in their relationship with their ex husbands are very much surprised when said ex just up and left them once their youngest finished their GCSEs.
OP, these women overwhelmingly come from the class of women on this thread who appear to think that one to one adult time outside of the marital bed and home is a sign of entitlement and anathema to " family life".
So grateful are they that they have bagged a man who is a present father to their children, they are prepared to neglect all other dynamics that are required to grease the wheels of an adult relationship.
Of course, they arrogantly think that their responsible husbands are equally satisfied with the Netflix and Chill/bring the kids every damn where monotony. They've forgotten to save enough of themselves to see the world, not through the children that they hide behind, but their self serving version of motherhood.

One night out now and again is not going to turn the kids into psychos or send the average family to the workhouse.

Don't listen to these smug ostritches who think a sofa and a cosy throw with a greasy pizza with their husbands once the kids have gone to bed is "it" until the kids go off to University.

Best to find out why your husband is avoiding one to one non sexual activity now, than finding out THEN that your "great father/family man" husband just loves his kids and did not want them to be brought up in two homes.
Lots of men "stay for the kids", too.
And are perfectly great at having long term sex with women that they are not particularly into, intimately.

It's great that you think that apathy is not a good sign in a relationship.

I hope everything works out and any bumps and bruises heal if the worst occurs and not that your husband has become ungrateful (which is not good in and of itself, but still....).

@EleanorReally

sure she will. I was just interested in what you think? Just because to me it’s obvious that couple time is a different experience to family time and OP isn’t unreasonable to want both. And secondly it’s really obvious why they are in therapy. Because the marriage isn’t good as it’s starved off couple time and OP is unhappy.

so I was just curious as to what your perspective is?

i wouldnt want that pulled apart by you on a thread about @magpiemagpuy
we are all entitled to our opinions/points of view but has op is not back yet she aint going to know

@EleanorReally

where did I say I would pull you apart?? This is a forum wherein people can share their different opinions and not everyone has to agree. But it’s up to you of course 😊

Maybe it’s me but I would always tidy for someone coming over (sitter).