Frustrated DH always prioritising family time over couple time

[magpiemagpuy]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

We’re in counselling at the moment, and one thing our therapist has made very clear is that while we’re doing fine individually and as a family unit, our couple time is really lacking — and it shows in how disconnected we’ve been feeling.

The issue is, every time I suggest something for just the two of us — even something small like a date night or a low-key outing — he gives it a kind of lukewarm, polite interest… and then immediately leapfrogs into suggesting how that idea could work even better as a family activity.

So I’ll say, “How about we try that new restaurant together one evening?” and he’ll say, “Yeah, maybe,” but then straight after it’s, “Actually, the kids would love that place — we should all go!” And that plan suddenly gets all his enthusiasm and follow-up.

It feels like anything I bring up for us gets repurposed into a family plan he’s way more keen to make happen.

What’s extra frustrating is he’s really proactive when it comes to planning stuff for the kids or friends — messages sent, things booked, all sorted. But when it’s just us, I have to keep reminding him or wait ages for any kind of confirmation or commitment. It ends up feeling like couple time is just an afterthought — something he’s happy to do if it fits around everything else, but never something he actively prioritises.

Our counsellor keeps saying the same thing: we have plenty of individual time and family time — what’s missing is us. And it’s really beginning to get to me, because I don’t think I’m asking for much — just a bit of protected time for the two of us to reconnect.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How did you get your partner to actually value couple time without it always turning into a family plan?

Obviously, but they'll still have to organise childcare if OP wants to go out as a couple. Tbh it just sounds like the parents have different ideas about what it means to be together in the evening.

@magpiemagpuy Okay your last post clarifies things a bit more. So you do get alone time as a couple it seems in the evenings but you want to do to ‘new fun things’ as a couple. I kind of see his point more now as he is right in that you do get time together but it’s not the only kind you want. I also do empathise with him that it’s difficult when he loves his kids also to not have them be part of it too. You said that if you organise it then it does happen and he enjoys it. So if it were me, I would just suck up his reluctance especially as he seems a good dad otherwise and keep organising couple stuff myself for the pair of you. After all, you want it more than him so makes sense (albeit a little frustrating) that you do the organising. I don’t see this is a big issue to resolve tbh.

@magpiemagpuy instead of suggesting can you not just book something for the two of you and say we're going to x just us, kids will be fine with babysitter etc

But quite clearly it’s available or easily arranged given the op is suggesting things

I agree it’s hard. In your situation I would organise something that you think you would both enjoy. Bite the bullet and book a babysitter. I think (as you said) something fun rather than the pressure of a ‘romantic dinner’ - that can come later. Something low key but fun like a summer picnic, bowling, crazy golf / E bikes or something that you have both said would be fun in the past or would enjoy. A cooking class, open water swimming, a night at a pub playing pool (I appreciate these specific things may not appeal - just examples of things thAt might allow you to have fun and have some bonding time).

Tell him to keep the time / date free and just organise it. Some might say it shouldn’t have to be you but I am just suggesting it as a one off to start the ball rolling and for the greater good. You have fun and then can say to him that it’s his turn next time.
Take the lead on it this time and he should hopefully realise that couple time IS important and enjoyable.

it’s bloody hard with young DCs isn’t it and so easy to get into a rut when you are tired and in the relentless slog of it all.

In your shoes, I’d stop waiting for him to agree, let alone organise it. I’d say “great news, I’ve booked the new restaurant and arranged babysitting for Saturday night, really looking forward to spending some time together, as we both agree we need”. I think he probably is scared of time alone together - doesn’t know what you’ll talk about, etc. Hopefully if you arrange something and actually do it, he’ll realise it’s fun and be more willing each time.

Op i can only suggest you have an honest conversation with you dh about how you feel.

But just as a counter to those that say thats life with young kids-for me and my dh couple only time is so so important, I love family time but when we're all together we are mum and dad its nice to just be adults.

takeaway/film night is great but it's never the same as a real date - baby might wake up at any time, I'm in my pjs, both end up looking at our phones, putting the washing on etc. Not exactly romantic

If you go out you can dress up (if that's something you enjoy) really talk and focus on being a couple and do something fun. My dc are 1 & 3 and we manage some kind of date every other month and we always come home feeling more connected.

I did this. Sorry OP, but I did it because I didn’t want to get stranded out with DH. We’re now getting a divorce.

I love DH as a co-parent but it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to be out on my own with him. I was OK to watch TV together or hang out at home. The marriage has been absolutely dying and the value it had for me was the fun of doing things as a family.

I think it's a bit grim that he's happy to have sex with you but not to spend time doing anything else. I'd feel a bit objectified!

I don’t get these people saying that it’s unreasonable to want time with your partner just the two of you. How else will you maintain your partnership?

If going out is an issue, and it’s too easy to slump on the sofa every night until bedtime (I hear you!) how about designating one night a week as ‘date night’ where you eat something delicious together, and/or play cards, or whatever you both enjoy, and chat, properly- like you did when you were first going out? Phones away and if you need something visual, agree it in advance as something you both want to watch- my OH and I recently watched the whole of the Big Bang Theory, it took us months of Friday nights! We also had proper conversations about some of the themes that came up, which were like those we had back in the day, when each idea was interesting and worth exploring together.

@magpiemagpuy if it’s any consolation, I would be very hurt by the scenario you describe and by the feeling that he’s trying to avoid you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest.

Maybe it’s that. Worth discussing in the therapy since OP is sad about it.

You already have your answer. He simply doesn’t want to prioritise you.

The question is what you want to do about it since he refuses to address it.

I'm afraid I think it's this. You have some serious thinking to do because one day your children will leave home. It's soul destroying being in a marriage where the other person doesn't really want to be with you -they rub along but there's no real connection. I ploughed on making the most of scraps of family time and TV evenings. Big mistake. You've only got one life OP.

He managers to prioritise his friends though.

You say he mentions not having any family support. So when you suggest these new restaurants or fun activities to try what’s the plan for the kids assuming they can’t be left with GPs? Could that be making him
uncomfortable and why he always try’s to include them?

Some people are “shove their 3 year old in the kids holiday club for 8 hours a day for 2 weeks while we drink cocktails” parents and others are “no one’s looking after my child expect me ever” kinda parents.

OP you are not unreasonable at all - I believe that you should have the odd meal out or trip to the cinema or indeed an at home date night to talk and connect. I have been with DH for 25years and we have always had time just us and much more time as a family - without us time we may not have been together now due our DD and her behaviour, her mental health (the list goes on!) it gave us space to talk about how overwhelmed we were as parents but also to talk about other more happy things. I always feel closer to DH when we have had occasional nights out.

He does. I can see why OP is worried that he's avoiding one to one time with her.

Honestly, to me, it reads as if he has checked out.
He loves you as a mother, a member of the family, a sexual partner but somehow not as a romantic partner.

And you clearly need more, including emotional intimacy and connexion.
Don’t listen to people saying it’s normal and you should put your family first when you have children. They’d never say that if it was about sexual intimacy instead. And encouraging emotional intimacy isn’t going to take you more time or effort.
All that to say, it’s a pretty normal need. To feel seen as a person, not as a mother or sexual partner.

But wether he can see that, see also how precarious the family he loves is becoming, I’m not sure.

Have you ever said that when in therapy? How, when he always switches to family instead of couple, it makes you feel unseen and rejected as a person?
Because it’s be honest, there is a need for a straight talk about how being constantly rejected and always being the one who carries the emotional ,old is destroying your marriage.

Can you just agree to have a date-night once a fortnight or so, and when he starts saying "oh the kids would like that..", you just say "no it's date night".

It’s this.

Been there, done that. The thought of having to spend an evening alone with (now ex) dh at a restaurant or somewhere just us made me want to crawl under a rock and disappear. I’m sorry because I know that isn’t what you want to hear and it’s hurtful, but you must know that everything points to him simply not wanting to do it.

Absolutely agree with this and tbh you and many of the responses are too passive about this.

you’re good enough to have as the mother of his children, have sex with, and live with so that he doesn’t be the bad guy ‘breaking up a home’ - but he doesn’t want to spend any time 121 with you even though you have explicitly detailed you do.

fuck that, you deserve more op.

And did you tell him this?

Or did you not bother with that, and leave him to work it out on his own like OP's partner is doing, by low-key declining any suggestion she makes, and coming up with endless crap excuses, all the while going along to counselling with her and pretending everything is going to be fine? Basically stringing her along and giving her just enough hope not to actually do anything about it.

OP, I am not as bad as your DP but I do sometimes find myself turning down date night suggestions from my DH when childcare seems a bit complicated and there really is nothing wrong with our marriage, just that when I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed from work and family stress etc it can seem like an insurmountable obstacle to get someone to come and see to the horses, look after the kids, etc etc, then I know the kids don't like having a babysitter, but my mum won't look after them if it's not in her home but if they have school or an activity the next day then it's too far away, etc etc, so it just becomes a PITA and I end up saying 'fuck it'
Could the issue be that he just can't see past sorting out the childcare?
If you actually presented him with the childcare and the date sorted out on a plate what would he do? Would he enjoy it?

why dont you organize a baby sitter and the night out?

Could it be that he’s just more of an introvert than you? I love spending my evenings at home with my husband and usually the idea of leaving the house once I’ve got home from work sounds like an insurmountable obstacle I can’t be bothered with. Luckily he feels the same.