Husband doing nights with baby since my severe postnatal depression

[onyxtulip]

I'd really value some outside perspectIves on this.

Following the birth of my DD, I unfortunately developed severe PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit with her for 2mths. We were discharged 3mths ago. Since then, I've been much better but remain on medication and am having therapy. My husband very kindly took on night duties with the baby when I was discharged as a big part of what led to my PND is that I absolutely cannot sleep between baby wakings when I know I'm "on duty" (and so had several weeks of very very little sleep before I was admitted to hospital and shared overnight duties with the nurses in the MBU). He works 3 days a week in a fairly stressful job and our DD still wakes 2-3 times in the night. Luckily my husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I take her from 6am and he gets a couple of extra hours before getting up for work.

I am going back to work soon, though just 2 days a week. My husband wants me to start doing nights with the baby before then as he worries how he will manage looking after the baby all day after having her overnight. I wish I could do this but I know I won't sleep and that my mental health will deteriorate. I've expressed this to him but he says he thinks I'm ready to do the nights. I actually tried earlier this week and, despite my best efforts, laid awake all night.

I suggested to him that I have her until midnight and he gets some sleep in from 9-12. After midnight she tends to sleep through to 4am so hopefully he'd be able to sleep in an unbroken stretch 9pm - 4am and then get some extra sleep until 8am but likely broken. He totally rejects this and is so annoyed at me that he's gone out "to clear his mind" this evening

Am I expecting too much here? I feel so guilty about not being able to do the nights so far and have thanked my husband many times for him picking up the slack. I care for our DD 12hrs+/day alone on the days my husband works and share care with him the 4 days he doesn't work. I also do all the research and planning re her activities, development, clothing/toys/books, weaning and pre-school (the latter for when she's 2). My husband plays football 3 times a week and goes to the gym twice a week; I reason that as he has the energy for this, he isn't totally exhausted.

What do you think? I can't make sense of any of this.

Thank you and sorry this was a long one!

Split shifting is the best way. Then at least everyone is getting a decent stretch. It’s a perfectly sensible solution.

I wouldn’t want to sleep 9-12… very little evening to enjoy and then up at an awful time.

OP… I think you have to compromise here. Tread carefully. Baby steps. But I think you need to move towards him on this

He wasn't unreasonable to ask but after what you've been through, it's absolutely not unreasonable to say that you can't do it.

Honestly, I would look into a night nanny, even if it stretches finances. Your mental health must come first and he also needs to protect his health and ability to work safely.

If you’re so confident that 9-4 is realistic
why not just say… sure I’ll share

Hang on op… is this the man who is horribly verbally abusive to you?

I’m sorry OP but I do think it’s time to even things up. I am more like your husband in that I could fall asleep between wake ups but regardless my sleep wasn’t great quality as I was always sleeping very lightly on edge for being woken up & needed, and broken sleep is rubbish.

Kindly, you need to find a way to do some nights. The vast majority of mums struggle to switch off when they are ‘on duty’ and you can’t use one night as a reason to not do it. You need to do it more regularly and eventually you’ll adjust.

Fully appreciate that you’ve had a rough ride PND but between you, you’re only doing a full time job so it’s absolutely doable.

I found reframing the sleepless nights as ‘it’s just tonight, I’ll sleep tomorrow night’ as helpful in not letting the stress and anxiety keeping me up when my DC were babies.

Thanks everyone that's replied so far! @BoredZelda what kind of split would you suggest timings-wise? And @Itdidnttakelong yes, unfortunately he can be, as I presume you can see from my other previous post

I’d see if I could find a night nanny who can do some of the night time. I think there’s so much at stake here health wise for you, that it’s worth it even if it was hard financially.

best of luck to you xx

If I were you, I’d be doing nights the 3 days before your husband works and he does the other 4 nights. Yes you may not sleep much but it’s doable and not forever.

@L00pyLou I looked into night nanny's but way out of our budget unfortunately

@CissOff I totally see where you're coming from but I'm unfortunately not basing it on one night; before I was admitted to hospital I didn't sleep for several weeks straight and even in hospital I would go to bed at 8pm but end up laying awake until the nursery nurses took my DD at 2am and then sleep until 6am. Obviously being very depressed at the time I didn't have as much going on in the day and so just about coped on 4hrs sleep

You were released from hospital
presumably after extensive treatment?

I hate it when people drag things across threads. I haven’t read previous threads by you @onyxtulip and I don’t want to.

My experience though is things rarely happen in complete isolation and while I’m sure it isn’t impossible for a woman with a loving and supportive partner to develop such severe PND she’s in hospital -
well, I’m sure you see what I’m saying.

I assume you did have treatment OP? To put it bluntly you need to find a way to do your share of the nights, or you need to find a way to outsource that somebody else be that a family member or paid help like a night nanny- it is not fair for your husband to be doing it all, I’m honestly surprised he has done it all up to this point.

Can you postpone going back to work for a couple of months? I am not sure how old your daughter is, but can you sleep train her? Can a relative commit to coming one night away week to do the overnight?

Could you delay returning to work? Hopefully baby will drop the 4am feed so you both can get a full night's sleep

It’s not fair to expect your husband to do it all. There does need to be a compromise

I think you have to at least give it a try op

Well, I have two children and DH hasn’t got up for either of them. They were both breastfed as babies and now if one of them wakes in the night they come to me (it isn’t that often, practically never for my older child to be fair.)

So it is possible for one parent to do it all, it’s just that usually it is the mother!

When my son was little I slept 6-12pm then husband did 12-6am shift. It worked for us as I got to rest after being at home with baby all day, then he got 6 hours before he got up for woek

@Itdidnttakelong and @countingdownforseptember yes, I had treatment whilst in hospital and was discharged no longer actively suicidal. However I wouldn't say I'm fully recovered and am quite terrified of feeling that way ever again

@bedtimestories and @HarryVanderspeigle , I wouldn't be able to postpone returning to work as I work in quite a high pressure field where it's chronically understaffed and overstretched, they need me back and to be honest I think it will be of benefit to my mental health. We tried sleep training but neither of us had the heart to hear her cry without immediately responding. We don't have any relatives close by other than my parents who are in poor health and if anything, are dependent on me

But not when one hasn’t been working
and the one who’s been doing everything has been working

can’t say that’s very common

I have gone to work on a couple of hours broken sleep.

I think the fairest way is to alternate nights but it just doesn’t always work like that.

Did you ask for help? If so, and he chose not to, then you have a shitty husband- that doesn’t mean it is normal or healthy for one parent to take all the exhaustion.

And more importantly, it is incredibly unfair to force one parent to do it all by refusing to do your share. Some mums choose to do it all, I did all the nights by choice when my daughter was tiny because she was breastfed, it was my choice to breastfeed, I knew it meant I’d have to do those bits, it was really fucking hard but it was my choice so I did. If my husband had refused to do any of the nights, forcing me to do it all when I asked for help then he wouldn’t be my husband anymore!

At the moment I don't think you can prioritise an industry that needs you above your husband and daughter if returning means you're even less likely to cope with nights.