Husband doing nights with baby since my severe postnatal depression

[onyxtulip]

I'd really value some outside perspectIves on this.

Following the birth of my DD, I unfortunately developed severe PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit with her for 2mths. We were discharged 3mths ago. Since then, I've been much better but remain on medication and am having therapy. My husband very kindly took on night duties with the baby when I was discharged as a big part of what led to my PND is that I absolutely cannot sleep between baby wakings when I know I'm "on duty" (and so had several weeks of very very little sleep before I was admitted to hospital and shared overnight duties with the nurses in the MBU). He works 3 days a week in a fairly stressful job and our DD still wakes 2-3 times in the night. Luckily my husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I take her from 6am and he gets a couple of extra hours before getting up for work.

I am going back to work soon, though just 2 days a week. My husband wants me to start doing nights with the baby before then as he worries how he will manage looking after the baby all day after having her overnight. I wish I could do this but I know I won't sleep and that my mental health will deteriorate. I've expressed this to him but he says he thinks I'm ready to do the nights. I actually tried earlier this week and, despite my best efforts, laid awake all night.

I suggested to him that I have her until midnight and he gets some sleep in from 9-12. After midnight she tends to sleep through to 4am so hopefully he'd be able to sleep in an unbroken stretch 9pm - 4am and then get some extra sleep until 8am but likely broken. He totally rejects this and is so annoyed at me that he's gone out "to clear his mind" this evening

Am I expecting too much here? I feel so guilty about not being able to do the nights so far and have thanked my husband many times for him picking up the slack. I care for our DD 12hrs+/day alone on the days my husband works and share care with him the 4 days he doesn't work. I also do all the research and planning re her activities, development, clothing/toys/books, weaning and pre-school (the latter for when she's 2). My husband plays football 3 times a week and goes to the gym twice a week; I reason that as he has the energy for this, he isn't totally exhausted.

What do you think? I can't make sense of any of this.

Thank you and sorry this was a long one!

You're joking 😲
I couldn't forgive that either, op, what a selfish man.

Your mental health team should be advocating for you here too. As others have said, the compromise you offered sounds very fair and reasonable & hope your husband gets over himself and his sulk quickly.

Do you have close friends and family who can also help to advocate for you? I would be over like a shot if my friends husband need, in mumsnet parlance, to give his head a wobble.

OP, please don't take advice on here. Talk to your Mental Health team about how you can safely manage this.

Some people here don't fully understand the implications of this post. I'm a Mental Health Nurse. It's exceptionally hard to get admitted to a bog standard mental health ward. Mother and baby units are few and far between with limited beds nationwide. OP will have been severely mentally unwell to have been admitted to one of these, let alone stay for 2 months.

OP is in recovery and will be very mentally vulnerable. She knows poor sleep is one of her relapse signatures. Yes her husband will be tired and stressed, but that's very different from being mentally ill. OP has proposed a reasonable alternative but her DH won't take her. OP isn't trying to be unreasonable. She's frightened of relapsing.

Best of luck anyway, OP. This sounds incredibly tough for everyone. I'm proud of you for getting treatment and for trying your best through your recovery.

Op, do you find that any particular set up helps you to sleep/makes things worse? I was wondering if having your baby right next to you, i.e. co-sleeping, might help you to feel more settled.

Though I know things aren't just that simple!

Op you can't go back to your high pressured job if you can't miss a night's sleep. I think DH is tired and needs some respite. What does your doctor say? I was given zopiclone when my son was 12 months. I was able to fall asleep easily but wake up with him when required. If you had some medication you could approach the nights you don't have to wake up with the confidence you will sleep. How come if you are unable to sleep when you are on duty but are fine when DH and baby get up? Don't they disturb you? Please don't have anymore children for a while yet. It's too much for you all in the circumstances.

leaving aside what was mentioned about other threads as it sounds like there are other issues - basically there’s no good answer here. Babies can be relentless and neither of you are wrong to find it hard to cope.

my husband and I did split nights - I went to bed 8-1 and then he went to bed 1-6. Turns out we could just about manage on 4 hours of sleep. Not recommending this but we did get through.

I do understand you’ve been quite unwell but your husband is going to end up in a bad place if he doesn’t have some decent nights of sleep - just as you will. So worth trying a few options. My friends took turns each night, we did split shifts. Am sure there are other options to try.

I do understand you’ve been quite unwell but your husband is going to end up in a bad place if he doesn’t have some decent nights of sleep

No. Not "quite unwell", seriously unwell - her life was at risk.

Her husband will cope, as plenty of mothers of newborns without the ops serious health problem, do.

Drip 1

OP, you’re not planning on a second with him are you!

OP I also think given your circumstances that advice on here will not be tailored to your situation and speaking to a MH professional (with your DH too maybe? So he can fully grasp how serious this is) should be your go-to solution.

That said, since between you you will be only working 5 days a week and your workplace is understaffed and you think going back would benefit your MH - I can't help but wonder, have you considered going back 5 days a week instead and your H taking over as primary carer? Would that be feasible, do you think that this split of duties would help your MH? (I do not know anything about PND so forgive me if what I am suggesting is wildly unpractical).

In these circumstances, I would do the night waking for you. It is only a temporary issue and you are getting to the stage when there are quite a few things that you can do to reduce the number of times that they wake up in the night.

This baby is about 7 months and is still waking like a newborn.

That's really, really normal. If your baby didn't do this, consider yourself lucky!

No it’s not
at 7 months weaning
it is not uncommon for a newborn to be attached to breast overnight. Are you saying that “really really normal” for a 7 month old? @IButtleSir

Its Not normal , a baby of that age dos not need feeding like a newborn .

@RealEagle and @Itdidnttakelong- but this baby isn't "feeding like a newborn", he/she is just waking multiple times overnight (but usually sleeping from 12-4am). It is very common for a 7 month old to wake multiple times per night.

Is there any further help or support you could get to try and help with your anxiety/sleep? Maybe contact your GP? Continued recovery from PND needs to be carefully managed.
Also, as you do have to return to work, could you look at a slight phased return? Ie start with some half days, building up to full days over a number of weeks. This might make the adjustment to change in routine more manageable and build everyone's confidence up.

No, I didn't.

@RealEagle said the baby in question was still "waking like a newborn". The OP's baby is waking multiple times a night, so I assumed this was what RealEagle was referring to.

I was saying that it's really normal for 7 months olds to wake at night.

IButtleSir · Today 07:56

RealEagle · Today 07:27
This baby is about 7 months and is still waking like a newborn.
That's really, really normal. If your baby didn't do this, consider yourself lucky!

It sounds like there are lots of other issues with the relationship OP.

However just commenting on this issue it's completely unfair of you to think your husband can keep doing all the night shifts. PND is awful but it doesn't mean the partner has to do everything.

My one thought about this thread is ‘I hope their contraception is watertight’…

Lets not forget that the DH didn’t have to do nights or indeed much of anything while the OP was in hospital.

Well I did the nights for our second kid completely so it is possible. I went back to work pt when he was 3 mos. However it did damage our relationship if I’m being honest. We were in a not dissimilar situation in that my husband became suicidal during my pregnancy. So yes it is possible and your health should be prioritised but if you can find a sensible split pattern it would likely decrease potential resentment. Try to keep talking.

Whilst I haven’t read your other threads and maybe he is abusive in some way, having a suicidal partner is a shock and also quite a big rejection. I felt a lot of fear of being left and having to explain to the kids who I hadn’t been able to keep their Dad here. Fortunately my DH had great treatment and recovered but it was a traumatic time for all. Whilst you do need to hold the line for your health maybe seeing him as having a lot of overwhelming feelings too would give context to your discussion. If he’s abusive you should consider leaving.

Im sorry but there was definitely a bit of a "woohoo look at me, I did this twice and am OK", and while some women do manage, some dont and are not able to. It's pretty patronising. OP went through something many here have not, so other people's experiences are irrelevant. It should nto be a race to the bottom of who slept less while the dad didnt help less made it through.

That wasn’t the intention @HerNeighbourTotoro . I’ve been supportive of the OP throughout the thread if you look for my name on posts. The point of that post wasn’t to brag, it was to point out that one parent doing it all is pretty common, it’s just it’s usually the mother.