Husband doing nights with baby since my severe postnatal depression

[onyxtulip]

I'd really value some outside perspectIves on this.

Following the birth of my DD, I unfortunately developed severe PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit with her for 2mths. We were discharged 3mths ago. Since then, I've been much better but remain on medication and am having therapy. My husband very kindly took on night duties with the baby when I was discharged as a big part of what led to my PND is that I absolutely cannot sleep between baby wakings when I know I'm "on duty" (and so had several weeks of very very little sleep before I was admitted to hospital and shared overnight duties with the nurses in the MBU). He works 3 days a week in a fairly stressful job and our DD still wakes 2-3 times in the night. Luckily my husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I take her from 6am and he gets a couple of extra hours before getting up for work.

I am going back to work soon, though just 2 days a week. My husband wants me to start doing nights with the baby before then as he worries how he will manage looking after the baby all day after having her overnight. I wish I could do this but I know I won't sleep and that my mental health will deteriorate. I've expressed this to him but he says he thinks I'm ready to do the nights. I actually tried earlier this week and, despite my best efforts, laid awake all night.

I suggested to him that I have her until midnight and he gets some sleep in from 9-12. After midnight she tends to sleep through to 4am so hopefully he'd be able to sleep in an unbroken stretch 9pm - 4am and then get some extra sleep until 8am but likely broken. He totally rejects this and is so annoyed at me that he's gone out "to clear his mind" this evening

Am I expecting too much here? I feel so guilty about not being able to do the nights so far and have thanked my husband many times for him picking up the slack. I care for our DD 12hrs+/day alone on the days my husband works and share care with him the 4 days he doesn't work. I also do all the research and planning re her activities, development, clothing/toys/books, weaning and pre-school (the latter for when she's 2). My husband plays football 3 times a week and goes to the gym twice a week; I reason that as he has the energy for this, he isn't totally exhausted.

What do you think? I can't make sense of any of this.

Thank you and sorry this was a long one!

The other option being...? The OP needs help and support, obviously, but also to try to move forward.

Sending hugs to you for goIng through a crap time and a big pat on the back for getting through it - although appreciate it’s still fairly fresh and imagine it’s scary and anxiety inducing not wanting to go back to that situation.

Just wanted to share what we currently do, as I can empathise with parts of your story. Me and my husband alternate nights ‘on duty’. Means I get have a crap night when it’s my turn, but feels bare-able knowing I have the entire next night to catch up on sleep, without being under pressure to try and drop off within the space of a few hours (which I was finding when we split the night in half by shifts). Eventually, I’ve got better at sleeping when I’m on duty, which has coincided with baby sleeping better at night purely due to being that bit older.

Maybe you could consider doing a trial period for alternate nights, eg for a week, and if that doesn’t work then try something different. Knowing there’s an end date to it might help mentally too. It will get better xxx

That's really kind and I'm glad to hear it worked for you - I think alternate nights feels the most manageable option to try right now and like you say, if I don't sleep one night at least I'm not doing the next.

My concern would be the potential for your husband to break if he's done every night for months and is working too.

What would happen then? How would you cope if he was admitted to hospital and you were left with the baby?

For me that would be the reason I'd find a way to enable him to have regular full nights of sleep, because everyone needs them, and you NEED him to be ok.

I strongly disagree.

I'm frankly astounded at the number of posters here who think you're unreasonable for protecting your fragile recovery. You may no longer be actively suicidal (I'm very glad) but anyone who's had a severe breakdown knows that that is just the start and that you still have much healing to do.

This wasn't something someone just gets over, even with the responsibility of caring for a newborn.

It is of the utmost importance, op, that you follow the steps which you feel are safest for you - for all of your sakes.

Although I can understand your husbands reaction, and sympathise, he really needs to understand that there's no quick fix here and he needs to step up more than usual, for longer than he expected.

There's no shame in that.

Please prioritise your health.

When he says he thinks you’re ready to do night @onyxtulip what he means is that he is ready to stop doing them. It’s nothing to do with you, he’s been picking up the slack for a short period of time because you were unwell but he is fed up now. He doesn’t perceive this childcare as his lifestyle he’s simply been waiting for you to take back over once you ‘got better’ and he could hand it back to you. I imagine what he’s realising now is that you don’t intend to fully take it back (as so many mothers do) and he’s panicking that actually he may have to continue living in a way that impacts his freedom and sleep in a longer arrangement.

It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, you both work similar amounts and are equally entitled to decent sleep and mental health but equally you’re not doing what society expects and has unfortunately programmed most m3n to expect.

I had 2 under 2 with once severely disabled and I had a total breakdown around a year into that resulting in a serious eating disorder and health issues. DH was great … but he was only ever a place holder waiting to hand back to me the moment I was even semi capable. If there was any plausible way I could be given both children and left to it that’s what happened, it’s still what happens. Tbh the level of accountability and ‘book stops with me’ responsibility I feel is a big part of my anxiety issues.

Are you well enough to go back to work? I think you really need to think about this. Maybe start to do one night and build it up. I think you will get signed off?

this is an awful thing to say @countingdownforseptember I had to read it a few times to check your meaning but severe PND does also affect women in non abusive happy relationships

Why

Not seeking a medal (!!), but my kids were breastfed, and when I was on maternity leave I would be up during the night with them, and then have them during the day. When I was back at work full time after 6 months, I worked from home a lot, but still did all the night wakings. Not because husband refused to, but because I could feed them. Like your dh, I fell back to sleep readily.

Husband helped mornings and evenings so I could try to get extra sleep then, and he helped with cooking dinners, etc. When child 2 came along, he obviously helped more with child 1.

So, as I understand it your dh is worried about the nights on the 2 days a week that you will have worked, as he will have had the child during the day. All things considered from your post, health issues, ability to fall back asleep, etc, I think either me or my husband would be willing to do all nights in the circumstances of your family, to help the one whose mh is at risk (i.e. you). The one not doing nights would step up more with keeping the house running, and trying to cover to allow early nights, lie ins, naps for the all nighter, etc, particularly on the 2 days a week when neither are working.

So, IMHO YANBU. In fact your compromise is a generous and sensible offer, and he is wrong to react as he did. I agree with you, if he is managing "me time" with football etc, then he is BU to put your mh at risk. A lot of new parents don't have time for such luxuries.

Crikey

You're not expecting too much. You've been through severe PND and need to protect your sleep and mental health. You've offered a reasonable compromise, and it’s fair given you care for your daughter full-time on workdays and share duties otherwise. Your husband’s stress is understandable, but rejecting your offer and walking out isn’t constructive. A calm discussion or help from a therapist could help you both find a solution. You’re doing your best in a tough situation.

Thank you @dancebob1980

I do frequently encourage him to have lay ins on days he isn't working (he usually sleeps in until at least 9 on those days, mostly getting up because he wants to play football or go to the gym) and he can nap whenever he likes on the 4 days he is off also. I do most of the housework and anything baby/pets/family related in terms of organisation

It sounds like you’ve had such a rough time OP. In your perinatal team are there any nursery nurses to help with bedtime routine and helping baby sleep better? I know you said you have tried but are there any more options for medications for when you don’t have the baby, or a small dose just to help you sleep initially? Keep talking to your team as they will know the details best. If you are changing your routine and risking sleep deprivation and a possible relapse I would also ask for more regular reviews and monitoring. All the best to you and your family. Xxx

Why did I have a baby? Is that a serious question?

She’s not just most mums she was hospitalised last time she tried to do nights. Honestly I think he should just keep doing the nights and toy pick up the slack in other places like you’ve been doing. She won’t be waking like this forever.

It's very unusual for sleep deprived parents to be admitted to hospital. Plenty of people do nights with a newborn and work and don't end up hospitalised (me and my DP both did nights with a baby while working full-time at various times and were fine).

The OP is recovering from a severe MH episode. For the whole family's sake, he needs to step up and her sleep/stability needs to be the priority for now.

I know a night nanny is too expensive but have you looked into a doula who does nights? I had one after I had a c section and she was less expensive than a night nanny. Could be worth getting someone in for a 2-3 nights a week? Sometimes they may even be able to just do a shift overnight for a few hours depending on the doula. Also do you have any family who could help you overnight? You really need to look after your health but ultimately your husband is not going to be able to continue if he is struggling now so you need some extra support. Have you spoken to your health visitor?

I don’t think she was bragging actually. While I think the OP needs to make more effort and try, I think this poster was defending her saying plenty of women do it, just not often men do. Why do people jump down each others throats on here?

This.

@SENsummer I am so sorry you became, and are still, default caregiver. I would not accept this in my relationship.

@onyxtulip he has played the hero for a few months doing "your" job, perhaps because you scared him with the PND, but he doesn't see childcare as an equal partnership, where each has to step up and change their lives as necessary. I reckon he did not plan on any discomfort or sacrifice from his life due to having a child (as evidenced by the frequent football and gym, a mere few months after your serious health issues); he thinks it is time things got back on track now with you being the caregiver. That would be why he doesn't like your reasonable compromise, as it means his life would be disrupted by the child, when it should only be your life disrupted.

@dancebob1980 depressingly that feels a pretty accurate representation. He actually insisted on playing football during my first 24hr leave from hospital whilst I was still very unwell and I practically begged him not to leave me alone... not sure I'll ever forgive him for that to be honest

I don’t think you sound well enough to go back to work yet.

I think you need to do everything to protect your recovery. Your husband is obviously very tired so split shifts is a good idea. If your finances can manage it at all you should take longer maternity leave or could he take paternity leave? I would concentrate on getting your baby sleeping through. Pay for a sleep trainer or night nurse to come to the house and do the sleep training. I didn’t sleep train my daughter and she was over two before she slept through the night. I think this should be prioritised for your mental health.

You dont sound well enough to go back to work.

When you return to work your employers will expect you to give 100%, be part of a team, return to full duties and you will be stretched thin. Your performance will be reviewed and if you're not performing then you will be sanctioned.

I think you need to think practically because going back to work before you're ready to go back to work could have more negative financial implications than using your maternity leave as well as cause more stress and anxiety which you're just not recovered from.

Do you have any family that can come and do a regular duty shift with your baby so you can sleep, so that you can take over some of the nights so your husband can sleep even if its in the day time?