Husband doing nights with baby since my severe postnatal depression

[onyxtulip]

I'd really value some outside perspectIves on this.

Following the birth of my DD, I unfortunately developed severe PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit with her for 2mths. We were discharged 3mths ago. Since then, I've been much better but remain on medication and am having therapy. My husband very kindly took on night duties with the baby when I was discharged as a big part of what led to my PND is that I absolutely cannot sleep between baby wakings when I know I'm "on duty" (and so had several weeks of very very little sleep before I was admitted to hospital and shared overnight duties with the nurses in the MBU). He works 3 days a week in a fairly stressful job and our DD still wakes 2-3 times in the night. Luckily my husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I take her from 6am and he gets a couple of extra hours before getting up for work.

I am going back to work soon, though just 2 days a week. My husband wants me to start doing nights with the baby before then as he worries how he will manage looking after the baby all day after having her overnight. I wish I could do this but I know I won't sleep and that my mental health will deteriorate. I've expressed this to him but he says he thinks I'm ready to do the nights. I actually tried earlier this week and, despite my best efforts, laid awake all night.

I suggested to him that I have her until midnight and he gets some sleep in from 9-12. After midnight she tends to sleep through to 4am so hopefully he'd be able to sleep in an unbroken stretch 9pm - 4am and then get some extra sleep until 8am but likely broken. He totally rejects this and is so annoyed at me that he's gone out "to clear his mind" this evening

Am I expecting too much here? I feel so guilty about not being able to do the nights so far and have thanked my husband many times for him picking up the slack. I care for our DD 12hrs+/day alone on the days my husband works and share care with him the 4 days he doesn't work. I also do all the research and planning re her activities, development, clothing/toys/books, weaning and pre-school (the latter for when she's 2). My husband plays football 3 times a week and goes to the gym twice a week; I reason that as he has the energy for this, he isn't totally exhausted.

What do you think? I can't make sense of any of this.

Thank you and sorry this was a long one!

If my husband had refused to do any of the nights, forcing me to do it all when I asked for help then he wouldn’t be my husband anymore!

But that isn’t quite what is happening here, and nor is it ‘refusing to help.’

People share things in different ways. If someone’s been unwell enough to warrant a two month stay in hospital that does rather change things!

No, you’re not expecting too much. It’s good he has gone out to calm down rather than flare up at you. You’ve asked to split shift and are understandably wanting to avoid getting ill again. Not unreasonable, actually very sensible. Hope you can find a solution that works for you both but your MH needs to be prioritised

Your husband needs and deserves sleep just as much as you do. He is not a robot- he is a human being, and he is exhausted. You need to do your share.

The fact that you've thanked him repeatedly is totally irrelevant- all the thanks in the world can't make up for lost sleep.

@IButtleSir but with what I proposed to him, he would get 7+hrs/night of sleep...

@Springadorable I am inclined to agree, but we'd be dropping our income significantly and we can't afford to do that at the moment

So if you’re so sure… why not say you take this slot?

That's if he falls asleep at EXACTLY 9pm every night and if your baby sleeps through until exactly 4am every night. Which is unlikely.

He's also had months of being the parent doing all the nights- on top of being the only parent working- so will be chronically sleep deprived. The poor man needs to know he has some nights where he can just sleep through.

Again, your sleep is not more important than his sleep. He has taken the brunt of the sleep deprivation for months now. It's time to share the load.

you aren’t willing to even give it a go op
how about trying to share and then if you start to feel yourself deteriorating, changes are made very swiftly

Because I can't sleep at all when I'm the one on night duty....I've tried everything, medication, therapy, white noise, meditation, alcohol(!), I just can't switch off...I think there's still an element of postnatal anxiety that I'm trying to overcome. On the other hand, my husband falls asleep in minutes even if woken repeatedly

i bet much doubt he falling asleep at 9pm ie in bed at 8.30pm, is very appealing to him

would not be to most

But you haven’t tried since your baby was a new born

just try it op

Okay, thanks everyone. I gather from the general consensus and tone that I'm in the wrong here so will try to take on some of the nights and hope for the best

Not that I’d be with someone verbally abusive

I relate to the not being able to sleep after waking up. It is brutal but it's also probably partially in your mind and essentially, you may have to get over it and get on with it. You've obviously had an awful time but you do have to move on. There really isn't another option.

Maybe controversial but the best solution would likely be to sleep train your baby....

I think there’s a profound lack of understanding of your MH struggles on this chat OP. Maybe get some professional guidance on this?

It is refusing to help. The reasoning behind it really doesn’t make any difference to how he feels, he doesn’t feel any less tired because OP had a hospital stay- those are the facts, OP’s hospital stay doesn’t give him a magical boost of energy.

You cannot force one parent to be run into the ground when they are explicitly asking for help in order to protect the other one, all that’s going to happen there is you end up with two parents at breaking point, a total breakdown of the relationship and where do you go from there? He’s done more than enough, something has to change now.

I think considering OP has been hospitalised for 2 months after sleep deprivation, and her DP hasn't, then in this circumstance her sleep takes priority. You do need to take health conditions into account

My DC would only sleep in 90min stretches so constantly being woken. We tried alternative nights 'on duty' but I found I was waking anyway and not falling back to sleep. It was relentless. Our only solution was to co-sleep. It worked for us.

I really don't think you should be comprising your sleep OP. Please take professional health advice on this, not a load of mumsnetters who don't have the full background of what has happened

What a load of rubbish, so the other parent should just carry on until THEY end up hospitalised before we give a fuck how they feel? When they’ve been the only parent doing the nights and also the only parent working? You would literally never ever say this if the gender’s were reversed here.

Two broken adults make really shitty parents, all this advice will do is break him.

You are clearly anxious about not becoming unwell again, which is understandable. You associate nights with becoming unwell, again understandable. Therefore the thought of taking on a night slot frightens you. You then want to avoid any night duties. Seek some therapy for the anxiety you are feeling, and the fear that night duties cause you. You also need to address the issue of not being able to fall asleep. I think a therapist would be able to help you with this. Ultimately, your goal should be to feel able to cope with nights, so you can help your husband. At the moment you're avoiding taking any night duties on (and it's understandable), but this can't continue long-term. You have to help yourself, and be proactive.

She was discharged three months ago, and hasn't done a night shift since. She does need to start sharing the load at some point, and given her husband has actually asked her to, and given a good reason why, it really ought to be now.

Oh well here is you medal or even three🏅🏅🏅well done!
The fact you did something does not mean another mum can do the same, so go brag elsewhere.

Amazing advice from you, to sum it up "hey op, can you just stop being so depressed, cheer up and get over yourself!".

And also breastfeeding hormones specifically help you to fall back to sleep. OP is obviously not breastfeeding. Gently getting the baby to sleep better should be the focus here.