Husband doing nights with baby since my severe postnatal depression

[onyxtulip]

I'd really value some outside perspectIves on this.

Following the birth of my DD, I unfortunately developed severe PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit with her for 2mths. We were discharged 3mths ago. Since then, I've been much better but remain on medication and am having therapy. My husband very kindly took on night duties with the baby when I was discharged as a big part of what led to my PND is that I absolutely cannot sleep between baby wakings when I know I'm "on duty" (and so had several weeks of very very little sleep before I was admitted to hospital and shared overnight duties with the nurses in the MBU). He works 3 days a week in a fairly stressful job and our DD still wakes 2-3 times in the night. Luckily my husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I take her from 6am and he gets a couple of extra hours before getting up for work.

I am going back to work soon, though just 2 days a week. My husband wants me to start doing nights with the baby before then as he worries how he will manage looking after the baby all day after having her overnight. I wish I could do this but I know I won't sleep and that my mental health will deteriorate. I've expressed this to him but he says he thinks I'm ready to do the nights. I actually tried earlier this week and, despite my best efforts, laid awake all night.

I suggested to him that I have her until midnight and he gets some sleep in from 9-12. After midnight she tends to sleep through to 4am so hopefully he'd be able to sleep in an unbroken stretch 9pm - 4am and then get some extra sleep until 8am but likely broken. He totally rejects this and is so annoyed at me that he's gone out "to clear his mind" this evening

Am I expecting too much here? I feel so guilty about not being able to do the nights so far and have thanked my husband many times for him picking up the slack. I care for our DD 12hrs+/day alone on the days my husband works and share care with him the 4 days he doesn't work. I also do all the research and planning re her activities, development, clothing/toys/books, weaning and pre-school (the latter for when she's 2). My husband plays football 3 times a week and goes to the gym twice a week; I reason that as he has the energy for this, he isn't totally exhausted.

What do you think? I can't make sense of any of this.

Thank you and sorry this was a long one!

Alternate nights, so that things are more fairly split. I can see it from both sides, but you have to work as a team otherwise resentment will build very quickly. Even though you say DH falls asleep super quickly, it’s still broken sleep, and it may well be breaking him. Some understanding of that would be a good start.
I found that I relished a Saturday morning as Mum would pop over for Granny duty and I could nap for a couple of hours!! Every other night of unbroken sleep sounds like an absolute luxury, so definitely suggest it and hope he agrees! If not, another compromise. But 9-12 is a bit shit really, I would be put out if that was suggested to me.

I don't understand what point you are trying to make by copying and pasting this? It just proves that I said it is normal for 7 month olds to wake at the rate that RealEagle thinks is more appropriate for a newborn... which is what I have already reiterated that I said.

OP, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. The general vibe in the thread, more so earlier on, seems to be diminishing the very real seriousness of what happened to you. As another poster said, you don’t get admitted to a MBU for months because you were a bit knackered. Did you say you’d tried a night shift again since coming home and couldn’t sleep again? Really tough and I hope you’ve got plenty of MH support.

Your proposal of split nights sounds reasonable to try out - your DH is being unreasonable not to even try this approach. He has time for gym, football and naps on his four days not working outside the house apparently…

If I were in his shoes, I’d be doing everything I could to support your recovery after you’ve been so so seriously unwell. I wouldn’t be impressed by his attitude, which as others have said seems to be that you need to resume primary caregiver status asap so his life isn’t disrupted. It must be hard and scary supporting a partner who’s been so ill but that’s kind of what you sign up for in marriage, especially with a young baby in the mix.

Just to add, I have a 7 month old who wakes a few times at night to breastfeed, btw. Babies vary massively of course, but this is biologically normal behaviour - I can see PPs suggesting otherwise 😂 Luckily I can bedshare with her and plug her on the boob - I get a good night’s sleep, phew. DP works 5 days a week and doesn’t need to do any baby care at night since she stopped pooping at night! Not an arrangement that would work for everyone but it’s great for our family.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery OP.

This sounds so tricky, I'm sorry you have been so unwell. It sounds like you can't do the nights, but obviously he's finding doing all of the nights alone too much (I've always done them all, and it's definitely exhausting even with good mental health). Is there anyone else who can help? A family member or hire a night nurse? His sleep is important too, hopefully there is a solution somewhere.

I was like this with sleep, although never did as well as you by seeking help. Absolute credit to you.

Unless I am wrong, one of you will be two days, one three.

so I would suggest that he sleeps the nights he is working, you sleep the nights you are working then one each of the remaining two.

for you, I would try “baby steps”. I found eventually I could nap well with baby during daylight hours. I started with that.

your baby will be bigger now, but nights are always the worst. I was in lockdown. So would head out early. Busy mornings. Baby awake then home for a nap. Eventually I became confident to contact nap and that progressed to co sleeping. Something that terrified me.