Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Oh for goodness sake, you're being a wet blanket! He is getting to you, isn't he? DON'T LET HIM EVER SEE YOUR SON EVER AGAIN! Wtf are you doing?!?? Don't meet up with him. He will only emotionally manipulate you and confuse you more and talk you around. Meeting up with him is the worst mistake you can make, OP, next to letting the disgusting man see your son. FFS tell him you're getting an annulment and he is not to contact you or see you or your son ever again!

I have been paying in to my pension for 18 years and he has been self employed and very sporadic and has only reliably paid in for the past 5 years or so
This will be a big part of why he wanted to get married, every trans woman needs a sugar mummy.

No, I think we've seen and considered the same details as you have.

... And prioritised the man's feelings.

Your absolute right to do so, of course. But unlikely to be the majority view on MN.

Oh my God, listen to yourself! Who are you to deprive a child of his father?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't necessarily disagree with you but it might be a better strategy to give the appearance of playing nice, it could buy the op some time to get the ducks in a row (behind the scenes) without him opposing too much.
If she starts out playing hardball then he might be a lot more difficult and troublesome to deal with?

Then read the thread again. There are many posters suggesting she stay in the marriage and support him, and you're one of them.
He doesn't want to have sex with her because he feels disgusting having sex as a man.
If that isn't suggesting OP shelve herself and the life she thought she had I don't know what would be.
I'm here to support OP not her husband. If you want to support her husband then take your drivel to his thread should he start one.

The husband (who apparently inspires sympathy in some) has certainly suggested this. (Although to be fair I think he is happy to have a sex life with the OP, just as long as she can forget her 'true self' and have sex with him as his 'true self'.)

Nope. Considered the man's feelings. This isn't a game show with winners and losers determined by audience participation.

That's not a thing that OP can do. He will still be able to get access to his child.

OP, it's funny that he only came out as trans after he'd got you to marry him, isn't it? 🤔 He has acted very selfishly, now he's playing the #bekind card and accusing you of transphobia, it's only going to get worse.

I wonder if he's cracked his egg (as they call coming out as trans) with his mother, yet? I wonder if she's going to be so against you when he does?

... I wonder if you'd consider it abusive if Partner A in a relationship wanted to leave the partnership as they no longer felt the same way about the relationship for whatever reason and wanted to move on, but Partner B wasn't ready to relinquish what to them is a loving partnership and begged Partner A to stay. Would that be abusive?

Of course not. OP's ex can beg her to stay. He just shouldn't tell her that, if she doesn't stay, she's a bigot.

It's not unique to this situation. People who mess up their marriage through selfishness or idiocy usually start scratching around for a reason why their spouse is the one really to blame. The bitter sting is in the fact that, in marked contrast to things like adultery, violence, and gambling, a declaration of gender identity gets the 'stunning and brave' gloss from society.

I would recommend grey rock-ing, to avoid high blood pressure.

Really? Including the part where the husband calls the OP unkind and transphobic because she won't go along with his wishes?

As a Psychologist, you should know better than to give validity to a sexual fetish.

Having an annulment would hopefully void any manipulative moves on his part.

OP I think it’s really important you investigate the ‘fraud’ aspect for getting an annulment over a divorce.

This i disagree with

The husband is a terrible husband but there is no indication that he is a terrible father

Maybe contact and boundaries need to be agreed and established with definite rules that must not be broken (he is not to be called mummy, he is not to wear fishnets and mini skirt when with their child etc etc) but the relationship between him and his son can be managed if both parties are willing to be sensible

Are you not being transphobic, by calling him "he" and a man?

Perhaps you should consider your own bigotry, femphobia and latent misogyny.

Yep. He's in shock I imagine. Regardless of the reason for the breakup of the family, I see his response as no different to somebody begging their partner to stay if the partner announces they're leaving for somebody else. It may not be a rational response, but it's an understandable response to a traumatic situation, whatever the cause.

(Is he happy to have a sex life with her? I thought this arose because he wasn't!)

Please don't read this book, OP. It's written by a trans ally who dealt with her own husband's transition by 'becoming his best friend'. Can you hear me gagging?

Being his best friend is what AGP transitioners want you to be. They can wear your underwear, copy your mannerisms, have you validate them, chat about lipstick and hair with you. They see you rather like a support dog. There to protect and encourage and help.

What a load of rubbish! Being gay didn't confer so much POWER. It didn't demand anything of women or children. It is not even remotely the same. You are gaslighting now.

How peculiar you are.

don't be ridiculous - non consumation is one of the oldest grounds for annulment that there is! way back in church law before it became secular law - still is in Catholic church law.

You are so beyond gullible if you think he didn't know all along he was trans. After all, aren't we told they 'know from childhood'? He TRICKED her into a marriage. He LIED to her. Even you know that. He is scum.

Alright mate, you've had your say.

Neither does being trans. I wonder where you're getting the idea that it does from?