Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

@BrickJoker

But this is about his identity and his truth, not just about your personal comfort or the way you thought your life would unfold. He’s asking for your support while he navigates what could be one of the most difficult transitions of his life, and instead of prioritizing his emotional well-being, you're considering an annulment because you feel personally betrayed by something that’s outside of his control.

Are you quite well?

It’s perfectly clear to the rest of us that her husband is a manipulative piece of shit who like all Transwomen, is delusional about believing wearing a dress and lipstick magically transforms your natal sex because being a woman is a feeling and nothing more. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not only that, he thinks it’s fine to expect his wife to put aside her desire for happiness in order to support his ridiculous delusions.

If he was a mass murderer who said the voices in his head made him do it, would you still argue that she should stay and support him because it’s something he struggles with that’s outside of his control?

When will you cop on and realise he’s just another of those men who centres the universe around his feelings and desires and assumes everyone else will fall into line and let him get on with it?

Make sure you record your future conversations in case he tries to deny anything

His mum is welcome to him then. You are not his emotional support human. Yes marriages have ups and downs. Yes sometimes you are all over each other but at other times much less so. Yes one of you might go through a tough time and need support but none of that is what is going on here. Marriage is a partnership. If he was being honest then he should have told you about his feelings before you got married. This isn’t like having a career change or wanting another child. This is a fundamental change to who he is and to who you are as well. He cannot do that to you without your consent.

He tricked you. That's deceitful and now expects you to stand by him?! F that.

I'm so sorry @confusedpasty his behaviour is awful. Annul the marriage and part ways asap. He needs to move out permanently though and if this can't be arranged, you may need to consider moving you and baby out.

Good luck with everything x

Good point: if he really wants a GRC, that gives OP leverage to obtain the annulment/divorce, because the GRC is conditional on spousal consent.

I've not read all the posts, however, my guess is he may be gay and saying he's trans is a cop-out because he knows he's a closet gay and has led you a merry dance.

I think you should split because it's not your place to fix him or live with his confusion (and I think he IS confused.)

Take legal advice. As PPs say it may be better to ask for divorce although he doesn't have to agree. you'd have to wait 5 years before it could happen legally if he was contesting it.

Basically, he needs to invest in therapy and get his head sorted out but you don't need to be part of that.

I think annullment and divorce are kind of same time frame. I feel for you so much. I would divorce my husband if he went through that change. I wouldn't be able to cope. I love my husband but as a man.
I feel so sad for you. I can't imagine also why didn't he say something BEFORE not after. So crazy on his part.

Or what if he suddenly converted to a religion and expected his wife and child to come along too. What if that religion required the wife to behave or dress in a certain way.

I agree. If he wants OP to agree to specific "roles" in the marriage them he needs to ask her that (and accept her answer).

He hasn't asked that, though- he's asking her to pretend he is literally a woman, and to have a lesbian relationship with him, and to accept the sexist ideals that have led him to think women are anything other than "female people".

@confusedpasty Hope your day goes well and you don’t let him come back. Ask his mum to ask her son why he’s been sent to here for a few days , and perhaps he will stop moping and trying to garner sympathy from her as he won’t want her to dig further.

His mum is BU, she doesn’t have to “manage” anything or get involved other than letting her son sleep there for a few days. If he is creating drama while there that’s on him.

You definitely need time to think and regroup and make a plan. This man is toxic and he won’t allow you do that if he’s around.

If you’re up to it please do update us all later. Good luck.

I think this is an appalling response. It's the husband who is being selfish here, not the OP. He has tricked her into marriage, a state that is more difficult to get out of than if they had simply continued unmarried. He could have said something long before the marriage. It was his choice not to. He waited until she was legally bound in the relationship, presumably in the hope that it would make it more difficult for her to get out of it, and more likely to "support" him.

What he has done, in deceiving her so cruelly, has destroyed all trust this relationship formerly had. She is under no obligation to stay in the marriage and help him. Judging from the experiences related on the transwidows website and in the film Behind the Looking Glass things will get a lot worse if she stays.

The sooner she gets out of this marriage the better, both for her sake and for the sake of her child.

If he had told her of his feelings before the marriage, that would have been a slightly different matter. But by tricking her into marriage, he has forfeited all right to expect her to stay and help him.

Transitioning is specifically mentioned on .gov.uk

He doesn’t get to agree to it or not.

Many, many years ago we knew a couple who obtained an annulment on the grounds of non-consummation despite having 4 kids under 5 (after marriage). It's astonishing the gymnastics the catholic church can perform when required 🤣

I am no expert, but don't you have to produce evidence that you've been living 'as a woman/man' (as appropriate) for at least two years before a GRC can be granted? This can't possibly apply in this case for a long time yet.

Very best wishes to you, OP. What a nightmare situation. Annulment seems like the best way out of it if you can.

Text his mum to say it’s not a ‘fall out’, that the marriage is finished and you are in the process of getting it annulled. Text him to say ‘tell your mum the reason our marriage is over or I will. You are not welcome here.’ Don’t let him harbour any delusions that you are going to sail into the sunset as his ‘lesbian wife’ and mummy #2. Personally I’d be considering a move to the outer Hebrides to get my kid away from him if I didn’t worry he’d try to come too. But you likely have personal and professional ties where you are.

Annulment from the Catholic church is quite separate from a legal annulment granted through the UK courts.

‘He feels we should stick together for better or for worse’. OP I am so angry for you. He has basically tried to trap you. I’m sure this is so far from the life you had visioned for your family. I’m so sorry. 💐

He absolutely is a liar. He lied by omission. He allowed her to believe she was marrying a man, whereas he actually thinks he's a woman.

And he absolutely has manipulated her for personal gain. He has deceived her into marriage, letting her take a vow to stick with him "in sickness and in health" and now he wants her to make good on that vow, a vow she was tricked into making.

This is abuse. It's a recurring theme in the stories of so many transwidows.

This

I would quite simply add

’I can only assume as you have messaged me in this way that he hasn’t yet told you why the marriage is over. I suggest you ask him.’

He may have actually told her of course and she is in denial.

Why would she have to wait five years if the divorce was contested? I am not a laywer, but surely that's only in the case where a spouse refuses consent on grounds of separation? Divorce can be granted much sooner than that on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Annulment is quicker if the grounds are there, which is why it's being discussed here. Also advantageous for the OP if the marriage is basically revoked and made as it had never taken place, as then she gets to keep her pension rights without having to hand some over to her husband.

Hi OP. You can't be expected to remain in this relationship based on lies. If he now claims to be a woman and you're not a lesbian how is that going to work. If he doesn't really think he's a woman then he's not trans and he merely wants to dress up and 'humiliate' himself by pretending to be a woman - which is misogynistic vile behaviour. Either way you don't owe him a relationship. Tell his Mum what he told you and ask whether she'd be happy in a relationship like this.

Yes, really only relevant if he messes her around for a long time. But the 'living as' requirement will provide the annulment grounds, so if he wants to crack on with it straight away he won't be able to prevent the annulment.

Plus she may want to re marry in church later.