Sex life making husband unhappy

[Rocksintheriver]

Hi,

I don’t know what I want from posting about this, maybe some advice or solidarity.

Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood. But on average we have sex every 1-2 weeks.

For context, we haven’t been intimate for about 3-4 weeks as I have a medical issue that is making it uncomfortable. I’ve been referred and have a hospital appointment soon.

This amount isn’t enough for my DH. He’s spoken about this a few times before today, and is sensitive about it. He’s not bold and brash and demanding we have more sex. He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

Ive explained to him that it’s not because I don’t love or fancy him etc, my body just doesn’t have the urge to have sex anymore than we currently do. He does his fair share of childcare and things around the house, so I’m not resentful or burnt out or anything like that. I just have no libido.

Today he has mentioned that he’s feeling down due to ‘the celibacy’, and that he’s doing some mindfulness practice around this to ‘cope’. This has really upset me for some reason. I don’t feel like he is celibate, and I don’t want him to have to ‘cope’ in his marriage with me. It’s made me feel really inadequate and powerless as it’s not something I’m doing on purpose.

I said we need to sit and have a talk about this tonight once the kids are in bed. And he says we don’t need to talk about it, he’s fine and just needs to adjust. He’s said he’s looked up how priests manage to live with no sex. It’s really upset me. It’s like he’s given up and resigned.

What can I do to improve my libido? It’s clearly causing an issue in my marriage, and I really don’t want that. I understand that sex is really important.

Talk to your doctor would be the first step I would think.

Quite honestly I think he’s being a total prick about it.

Have you had your hormones checked at the gp ?

Me too. He's not had sex for one 4 week period, when it's usually every week or fortnight? Get my tiny violin out.

I would insist on the talk, and say some of your OP to him about how this isn't on purpose and you have medical things to 'cope with' yourself.

If a man had written about low libido then seeing a GP would be the advice. What kind of contraception do you use?

Oh op, all this pressure won’t be helping! You certainly aren’t alone in how you feel. “How not to let kids ruin your sex life” is a good book you could read that will hopefully reassure you that you are completely normal and not unreasonable in how you feel, with advice to help improve things without pressure or resentment. Your husband sounds like he’s trying to guilt trip you too which is not on. The book (or couples therapy) might help him understand how to help you and learn how to communicate his own feelings better.

OP has seen a doctor. She’s been referred to the hospital.

@Rocksintheriver i don’t think he is being a dick . He had a healthy sex drive what’s his wife and can’t. He isn’t forcing or demanding . He is being honest and saying how it’s effecting him .
Should he lie or cheat or keep it all in . ?

I am female and I’d be open too about struggling with the lack of sex. One situation doesn’t trump the other .

Talk to your GP. It could be your hormones, and therefore a blood test to check your levels would be good. Do you have any time to yourselves, to spend as a couple?

But you’ve got a medical issue that makes sex painful - surely your —dickhead— husband realises that this (hopefully) temporary problem won’t last for ever, and that his role as your husband is to be loving & supportive towards you while it does last? I can’t think of anything less sexy than my husband moaning about wanting a shag and banging on about fecking mindfulness if I was suffering from a sore vag (for example). He should be asking if he can get you an ice pack / hot water bottle / painkillers etc etc and being sympathetic.

Also it’s REALLY common to go off sex when you have young DC. Been there, got the tshirt. Look up the phrase “touched out” if you don’t already know it. Your libido may well come back naturally once your kids are a bit older and more physically independent from you.

Has he got a hand?

Seems a bit dramatic -, talk of priests and celibacy. Do you think he's intentionally trying to make you feel bad?

He is a twat op and not really a true partner to you.
how would you behave if the scenario was reversed?? I doubt you’d be complaining and trying to guilt trip the other person into sexual acts they don’t really want.
Honestly - he’s a prick and he’s not treating you with respect. You’ve got two young kids aswell. I bet he’s a fuckwit in other areas of life too.

I can fully understand why you feel you don't want sex with a man who from reading your post appears to be doing his best to shame you into submission with talk of celibacy and the sacrifices/adjustments he is having to make. All i could say in terms of libido is try to stop thinking about it. Set a boundary with him by telling him that you need as long as it takes from the thoughts of having sex or him making comments about the lack of it. It's your body, your right to choose and yes as difficult as it seems do not accept shame in any form for this. If you feel that low mood is affecting you them speak to the GP as much help can be given and they could rule out a physical cause. You can be guaranteed you are not alone dealing with this so try and be kind to yourself with a kind inner voice and lean on the support even if just professionals.

Is there any compromise to be had? Are you still up for kissing and intimacy? What about being naked in bed together kissing while he has a wank? Maybe helping out a bit if you're up for that?

Mindfulness to cope? He sounds like a passive aggressive knob, I wouldn’t want to shag that either.
And can we not with the “ but if a man posted” rubbish. Men and women are totally different around sex and we all know it, this being primarily a women’s forum…
Ignore him OP .

Yes he’s trying to make her feel bad. If he wasn’t, he’d shut up. It’s only been a month and OP has been referred to the hospital. He needs to stop being so pathetic and selfish.

I don’t think there is any blame on either side in this situation. But I think you have to think about what you want your marriage to look like and take steps to get there.

If you love and are attracted to your H, and want to want to have sex with him then that sounds like a place to start rather than him coming to terms with little to no sexual connection.

I would go to your doctor and ask for tests or treatments that could improve your libido. Perhaps it’s linked to peri-menopause?

If it’s not a hormone problem then it’s likely a mental disconnect. You can also do things to get yourself in the mood. Read a steamy book, watch (ethical) porn together, masturbate. I think part of it is getting back into the ‘swing’ of it so to speak and reminding yourself it’s an enjoyable thing to do.

I had a very low sex drive for almost 10 years while I was raising our very young children. I was physically touched out and the thought of sex repulsed me. I didn’t get the urge to masturbate either. For a long time I just accepted it as I didn’t feel I was missing anything. But as I have my independence back I realised I missed the sexual side of myself so have taken steps to improve it.

Reading smut (with actual storylines) definitely got me in the mood and then I tried to maintain it by having regular sex. I find I can get in the mood much quicker now and if anything my drive is higher than my H.

If you prioritise your own sexual self, then sex with your husband will come. Think of it positively as a fun thing to do and doesn’t have to be full on sex every time. Any sort of naked touching satisfies the need for intimacy.

But why should she? She’s got a medical issue, she doesn’t feel like sex, her husband isn’t going to die if he doesn’t get laid for a few months, and he can wank when he’s on his own. He needs to stop bothering her while she’s not feeling up to it!

You must an uninvited male or stone cold hearted woman writing this.

Ok he wants more sex than he’s currently getting - that’s fine, it happens and it’s a discussion for grown ups to have.

What's not fine is acting like a whiney little manbaby tosser being overly dramatic with comparing himself to a priest after a few weeks.

FFS he’s got two hands hasn’t he?

And nothing would get my vagina clamping shut than this pathetic immature one man pity party - why would any woman want sex with a man who whinges like this?

Can you Google "celibacy" for him?

The melodrama over 3-4 weeks would be enough to put me off him tbh.

My ex DH sent me links to statistics that due to the amount of sex we were having he was in a "sexless" marriage.

I had no libido but also he was awful in bed and I found his passive aggressive approach would kill any desire I had for him.

Why? Because he’s pressuring OP and demanding sex? Oh wait he isn’t doing either of those he’s learning to cope with the lack of sex. He’s handling it quite well tbh

He might have two hands but that’s not the same as the connection you have with your wife is it 🤦‍♀️

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies so quickly. To answer a few questions:

• I’ve been to the GP about it, had bloods done and there’s nothing wrong with my hormones. I’m early 30s.
• No contraception, DH had a vasectomy.
• The medical issue is a new thing. I had a low libido a long time before this, it’s just made sex more of an issue than it was before.

I think I just feel shit and uncomfortable about the whole thing. I feel like a bad wife, I don’t want him to be unhappy because of something I’m doing (or not doing). But now I’m so conscious of getting changed in front of him or touching him in general because it often turns him on, and he then wants to have sex. It would be nice to be able to hug him and touch his arms and kiss etc without it leading to anything else. I tend to only do things like that now when the children are up and awake so it can’t lead anywhere.

Ugh, what a mess. I’ll try some erotica and see if that helps put me in the mood. Does anyone else have any suggestions?