Sex life making husband unhappy

[Rocksintheriver]

Hi,

I don’t know what I want from posting about this, maybe some advice or solidarity.

Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood. But on average we have sex every 1-2 weeks.

For context, we haven’t been intimate for about 3-4 weeks as I have a medical issue that is making it uncomfortable. I’ve been referred and have a hospital appointment soon.

This amount isn’t enough for my DH. He’s spoken about this a few times before today, and is sensitive about it. He’s not bold and brash and demanding we have more sex. He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

Ive explained to him that it’s not because I don’t love or fancy him etc, my body just doesn’t have the urge to have sex anymore than we currently do. He does his fair share of childcare and things around the house, so I’m not resentful or burnt out or anything like that. I just have no libido.

Today he has mentioned that he’s feeling down due to ‘the celibacy’, and that he’s doing some mindfulness practice around this to ‘cope’. This has really upset me for some reason. I don’t feel like he is celibate, and I don’t want him to have to ‘cope’ in his marriage with me. It’s made me feel really inadequate and powerless as it’s not something I’m doing on purpose.

I said we need to sit and have a talk about this tonight once the kids are in bed. And he says we don’t need to talk about it, he’s fine and just needs to adjust. He’s said he’s looked up how priests manage to live with no sex. It’s really upset me. It’s like he’s given up and resigned.

What can I do to improve my libido? It’s clearly causing an issue in my marriage, and I really don’t want that. I understand that sex is really important.

Op I feel for you. And with the cyst !!
my sex drive is also zero, I have 2 under 3 at home and by the end of the day I’m just fucking shattered. I think I would quite happily never have sex again. But I love my husband and don’t want to divorce, he knows how it is atm and isn’t pressuring me. I’m on antidepressants too which really really don’t help.

I think there is much more pressure on (mostly) women to perform today because of the presence of internet based pornography, which has had an impact on expectations in the more recent past. Men (and high libido women) feel convinced that they are the only ones not having very frequent sex and in the case of this post, the OP’s husband considered himself a celibate priest even with sex every 1-2 weeks, increasing to 3-4 weeks because of the painful cyst. Come on now - this is unreasonable.

I think every 1 - 2 weeks with young children and low libido is very commendable @Rocksintheriver . Ignore the posters suggesting you must try harder to keep your man straying. There is no guarantee of preventing unfaithfulness anyway, because if one partner had a high drive and needed to have sex once a day, they may also wish to bring in other forms of novelty such as a different or younger partner to spice things up too. Swinging is popular now, isn’t it? I just did a quick google and there doesn’t seem to be a strong correlation between frequency of sex and reduced cheating and some studies even suggest an increased likelihood of cheating.

Could you muster up the enthusiasm for a sexy cuddle then a hand job?

Sounds like he is emotionally manipulative. Poor man suffering through celibacy like a priest.......its a slow hand clap from me for the martyr.

Normally I’d agree but this is more about her health issue. Her health is now not just a matter of her wellbeing and treatment, but also the cause of his frustration, and the undoing of their marriage. If nothing else, the guilt he’s making her feel and the resentment she’ll feel at more sex than she can manage and her health needs being less important than his sex needs will kill her desire stone dead.

Melodramatic man-child...

I love how on MN every time a man asks for sex it’s sexual coercion (or abuse).
A difficult or uncomfortable conversation is not coercion.
Asking for sex again after the other person said no is not coercion.
Being a dick is not coercion.
Saying something you disagree with is not coercion.

Buy him a hassock to kneel on to pray. Save his knees.

Davina MCall has a good podcast, she had sex expert Tracy Cox on recently. Was really interesting and def worth a listen x

I don’t know anything about Tracy Cox, but Davina Mcall is a twat. Didn’t she once say that you should have sex even if completely exhausted, to keep your partner happy or they’ll go elsewhere, or something along those lines?

Then a few years later, when she split with her husband, she admitted that her marriage had been unhappy for years.

Shes a twat. I don’t think anyone should listen to her for advice on marriage and sex so unless she’s completely silent on the podcast, which she won’t be, I wouldn’t bother.

Not impressed with your DH, OP!

Presenting yourself as a sufferer because your wife doesn't want to have sex because she feels pain during sexual intercourse is sexual coercion.

No one is owed sex. That goes for everyone, men and women. There are a lot of women who also think they are entitled to sex. Witness some of them here.

NOBODY IS OWED SEX!

This guy has been pawing and groping OP to the point that she can't show any kind of affection FFS. It's not just coercive, it's completely counterproductive. Who the hell would want to fuck someone who thinks they're owed your body and who pouts, grabs, and whines? Gross

It's particularly shitty that some men - suffering none of the physically depleting arduousness of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding - whinge about them not getting their leg over their exhausted wife and they paw at her and make passive aggressive comments about their celibacy. Especially when they're not actually celibate, since their wife is actually having sex (probably unwanted) every week or two barring a significant health issue.

Of course, now cue all the comments from posters that OMG then he's going to cheat and that's all her fault because he has his "needs". Awww poor guy

Sex is not a need, no one died from lack of it. Cheating is a vicious choice to deceive someone so that they can have their cake and eat it at someone else's expense. And no one - NO ONE - owes you their body.

If you prioritize sex so highly and you want more than your current partner wants, then leave your relationship with decency and (i) if you're a man, sterilize yourself so that if you manage to find another female partner, she won't ever have any sexual downtime due to motherhood (do tell her about your sterilization so she doesn't waste fertile time on you), and (ii) if you're a woman, don't get with anyone over 40 because the chances are he'll get the droop eventually. It's really that simple.

Until you can have pain-free sex he can use his hand.
When you are pain-free he can try to excite you rather than be a turn-off.
Is he better if things are spelt out so he knows where he stands?

He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

OP, yes that's all good and fine that he is thinking about what makes him happy. But I hope he thinks about what makes you happy too? Does he also worry about-

• What kind of sex will make you happy right now?
• How your medical issue is impacting you generally, the fact that it's hurt you during sex and how unpleasant that experience would have been for you
• How you might be feeling with the negative comments he's made? (ie how priests live?)
• If you are happy with the loss of affection and how that is affecting you (which you can't now have because he's taken that away from you because it leads to sex for him)

Perhaps he does, in which case ignore my post.

He isn’t - he’s suffering and trying to deal with it

The talk of mindfulness, celibacy and priests is ridiculously dramatic considering you’ve not had sex for 3-4 weeks due to a cyst. He’s trying to lay a massive guilt trip on you to coerce you into having sex. Vile man.

Why is he complaining about how it makes him feel? That’s going to make you feel guilty not horny and why would he want to have sex with the woman he loves knowing she’s not enjoying it and is in pain. He sounds quite selfish op.

i have chronic pain but pre pain and pre kids we had sex 3-5 times a week. After kids it settled around once a week. Since the pain started it’s gone to once a month at best. Dh hasn’t moaned we just do it when I can. He obviously masterbates and sometimes we do stuff but not full sex.

You need to talk to you dh and explain you can’t control your hormones and sex isn’t enjoyable when painful. Ask him does he want you to have sex and be in pain. Tell him to stop making it anll about him and instead think of solutions that don’t involve you having uncomfortable painful sex you are not in the mood for. Consider the masterbation and doing everything but sex ideas.

Well Tracey Cox herself was very interesting and addresses sex in long term relationships. She's on Instagram too OP and has many books if you also think DM is a twat.

Are you on anti depressants OP? Those are massive passion killers.
It’s the opposite for me & DP. I want it 2-3 times a week amd it really gets me down that he’s rarely in the mood. It makes you feel rejected and unloved, so in a way I can see where your DP is coming from. I really hope you can find a compromise.
Just keep talking and be kind to each other 😊

Ignore all the usual MN man-haters. It’s not at all uncommon for coupes to have mismatched sex drives (and it’s not necessarily the man who wants it more). The fact you are talking openly about it is a positive. Plenty of things that can be done about it, therapy/counselling, little blue pills, etc.

I think you don't have a clue! I think the total opposite, he has been VERY understanding, as a male once a month is nowhere near enough.

Let me tell you, a mans connection to the woman he is with is ALWAYS with sex, without it, the connection goes, it's very simple but yeah he's the prick isn't he, absolutey shocking the way some think on here!

It’s really sad if you believe that.

This with bells on.

Do men enjoy the "connection" that comes from having sex with a woman who is uncomfortable or in pain?

Thought better of it.