Sex life making husband unhappy

[Rocksintheriver]

Hi,

I don’t know what I want from posting about this, maybe some advice or solidarity.

Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood. But on average we have sex every 1-2 weeks.

For context, we haven’t been intimate for about 3-4 weeks as I have a medical issue that is making it uncomfortable. I’ve been referred and have a hospital appointment soon.

This amount isn’t enough for my DH. He’s spoken about this a few times before today, and is sensitive about it. He’s not bold and brash and demanding we have more sex. He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

Ive explained to him that it’s not because I don’t love or fancy him etc, my body just doesn’t have the urge to have sex anymore than we currently do. He does his fair share of childcare and things around the house, so I’m not resentful or burnt out or anything like that. I just have no libido.

Today he has mentioned that he’s feeling down due to ‘the celibacy’, and that he’s doing some mindfulness practice around this to ‘cope’. This has really upset me for some reason. I don’t feel like he is celibate, and I don’t want him to have to ‘cope’ in his marriage with me. It’s made me feel really inadequate and powerless as it’s not something I’m doing on purpose.

I said we need to sit and have a talk about this tonight once the kids are in bed. And he says we don’t need to talk about it, he’s fine and just needs to adjust. He’s said he’s looked up how priests manage to live with no sex. It’s really upset me. It’s like he’s given up and resigned.

What can I do to improve my libido? It’s clearly causing an issue in my marriage, and I really don’t want that. I understand that sex is really important.

Fucking hell. 3 weeks of no sex and his 'celibacy' is getting him down?

He needs to have a word with himself.

The way our society is set up doesn't work for women. Biologically it's better for us to have children with different men so we generally don't fancy the same man for very long. Your libido would come straight back if you were attracted to someone else. Until menopause when you have no biological reason to have sex.

So we're forced to pretend to want sex to stay in a relationship. And we're made to feel that there's something wrong with us and told to go to the GP.

It's not always the case. One of my boyfriends was beautiful and funny and I fancied him for seven years.

Urgh the pressure on you is a complete libido killer, I sympathise and am in a similar position - I think it’ll end our 20+ year marriage.

Too right and saying all that shit about mindfulness and the priest stuff is such manipulative bullshit. Ask him outright if he's actually happy for you to have sex with him even if you don't feel like it. His answer would tell you all you need to know

Posters can bleat about how much of a prick he is, how manipulative and unfair he's being but at the end of the day do you want to stay married?
We all know that men (and women!) will look elsewhere if they are not getting sex at home. It's not right, but it happens. Or people will just leave rather than live that way.

Have a chat with your GP. Have a talk with your husband about just spending time together and reconnecting

Actually, the more I think about it, the way he phrased all of this is a bit off. I was obviously going to feel shit after that.

Ovarian cyst. Quite a large one that causes pain when we have sex.

Given you are awaiting a hospital appointment I'd be expecting a bit more sympathy from him. He sounds rather passive aggressive and self absorbed. Isn't he worried ABOUT you?

Jesus. So he's happy for you to have painful sex?

Ovarian cyst OH nasty. Does it hurt only with penetrative sex?

Dear God. Where do all these guilt tripping manipulative baby-men come from?

Tell him to grow the fuck up, wank for a while and things will be a bit better once your medical issue is sorted

Tosser 🙄

@Rocksintheriver It does sound more like he’s being a dick the more you write .
If its only been and going to be a short term thing then he should be more considerate .
Can you both do other stuff instead of full sex .
If you were as frustrated as him and it was just medical this would be the way . But it seems you are emotionally switched off for some reason.

Yes this, he isn't owed sex you are unwell and in pain and all he can think about is getting his end away !

@MounjaroNewb nailed it. Unless your husband wakes up one morning with erectile dysfunction, this issue is not going to simply disappear. You absolutely have to align on this somehow or you are destined for misery.

My exh had a low sex drive, he was probably happy once every month or two. I will say it is difficult being the person with the higher drive and being constantly rejected. The lack of connection is a killer.
Without sounding graphic would he accept you helping him without taking part fully? There are things like fleshlights that could be a compromise once a week and then maybe the real thing once a week/fortnight. I don't think you should do it if you don't want to though, I doubt he wants you to do that either, he just wants to feel wanted.

Edited as just saw your cyst update: yeah that is unreasonable to expect anything when you've got that going on. Jesus.

Just seen your update and I'm angry on your behalf 😡 so your husband is whining because you don't want to have sex that would cause you alot of pain? Is that right? I don't think I could stay with a man who cared so little about me that him not having sex for a few months is more important than the pain you would go through to have it. I'm so sorry OP that you're married to a heartless cunt

But they won't. They only have sex once every two weeks, which is already more than she wants, and he wants more than that.

No, wanking won't help.

This is a no-win for both.

If she doesn't want it and does nothing, she's not considering his feelings and is making him live a sexless life that he didn't sign up for (many women wouldn't want this either).

If she tries to fix it, she's being coerced.

If he says he misses it and is trying to adjust, it's guilting her into it.

If he says nothing, he's living in silent misery, and couples should talk about these things.

...Suddenly "I understand your situation, and I'm doing my best to try to make peace with it, even doing yoga (or whatever) to help me through it"... becomes guilt-tripping.

I don't think either side are doing anything wrong. OP wants it and is hoping there's a resolution, and DH has simply informed her it is difficult.

The solution is the same regardless of the subject, whether it be hugs, game nights, travel, or anything that one enjoys, but the other loses interest in. If one absolutely has no ongoing interest for it, then the other should give a suitable adjustment period (say a year) where they do their hardest to 'not' do that thing, while the other does their best to try to 'do' that thing. If at the end one of those parties is unhappy, or really can't live like that (she has tried psychology, doctors, medication, etc, for the sake of argument), and he has done his best to live a sexless life but really can't... then they have to split.

Someone's going to be unhappy regardless.

if my husband was making passive aggressive comments about celibacy (and priesthood?) and coping mechanisms after a couple of weeks without sex when it was usually fairly regular it would make my fanny drier than the Sahara. Completely offputting and it would have the opposite effect of whatever he was trying to do with his shitty comments. And I’d be telling him that.

The OP does want sex but due to having an ovarian cyst that causes major pain when having sex that's why she won't do it. Surely her husband can go without sex for a few months while she gets it treated. Unfortunately it seems like he doesn't give a shit that she'd be in pain. I don't know how you can think he's in. Any way in the right 🤷

Oh no poor you, can't he just sort himself out!

He isn’t celibate and by saying that, it does sound as though he is trying to gaslight and guilt you.

If I felt that I couldn’t touch or hug my partner without him seeing it as leading to sex, that would be a turn off. You need to be able to have intimacy, like touching, hugging and kissing, that isn't part of sex for a relationship to be good imo. He needs to understand that.

So you're saying op should have painful sex to make her husband happy?