Sex life making husband unhappy

[Rocksintheriver]

Hi,

I don’t know what I want from posting about this, maybe some advice or solidarity.

Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood. But on average we have sex every 1-2 weeks.

For context, we haven’t been intimate for about 3-4 weeks as I have a medical issue that is making it uncomfortable. I’ve been referred and have a hospital appointment soon.

This amount isn’t enough for my DH. He’s spoken about this a few times before today, and is sensitive about it. He’s not bold and brash and demanding we have more sex. He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

Ive explained to him that it’s not because I don’t love or fancy him etc, my body just doesn’t have the urge to have sex anymore than we currently do. He does his fair share of childcare and things around the house, so I’m not resentful or burnt out or anything like that. I just have no libido.

Today he has mentioned that he’s feeling down due to ‘the celibacy’, and that he’s doing some mindfulness practice around this to ‘cope’. This has really upset me for some reason. I don’t feel like he is celibate, and I don’t want him to have to ‘cope’ in his marriage with me. It’s made me feel really inadequate and powerless as it’s not something I’m doing on purpose.

I said we need to sit and have a talk about this tonight once the kids are in bed. And he says we don’t need to talk about it, he’s fine and just needs to adjust. He’s said he’s looked up how priests manage to live with no sex. It’s really upset me. It’s like he’s given up and resigned.

What can I do to improve my libido? It’s clearly causing an issue in my marriage, and I really don’t want that. I understand that sex is really important.

Ah yes. Wanking alone while fantasising about the marriage you wish you had. How every man dreams of spending his best years.

That is fucking grim.

It really is*

(* If you hate sex and hate your husband)

Congrats on being able to read a small part of my post. Maybe with some hard work and a little bit of good fortune you’ll be able to read and comprehend the entire thing soon

You have pain whilst you have sex due to a medical issue. Just say sex is off the cards and he can like it or lump it.

The talk of mindfulness, celibacy and priests is ridiculously dramatic considering you’ve not had sex for 3-4 weeks due to a cyst

Of course it is, @OneQuirkyPanda, but in the usual rush to slam anything with a Y chromosone some seem to have forgotten OP's comment about her sex drive always having been less than his

There's nothing wrong with that and such issues can often be talked through, but while he's certainly handling this clumsily I can quite see him being desperately unhappy if he feels this is likely to signal the complete end of their sex lives

Hopefully it won't come to that though if they can keep communicating

The medical issue is irrelevant, she says since having the children she simply doesn't want sex. This is I believe not uncommon. If you're someone who regards sex as an important part of your relationship then it could indeed be a deal breaker. If he doesn't want to live as roommates and friends then splitting to find a new partner may be the option. They could co parent and she wouldn't be concerned that she needed to pretend that she wanted or enjoyed sex.

Buy him a monk outfit. Fucking hell 3 weeks and its celibacy? Youre awaiting an op! What a selfish pos. I feel sorry for you being married to a great guy like this! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hes got a hand hasnt he? Christ

It is amazing the number of people who don’t read the post.

Keen to jump on the last 4 weeks of a medical issue.

This sounds like it has been a 5 year issue. With OP saying she wants sex once a month and saying they do it twice a month, when she is well, and her husband says this is insufficient for him to be happy in the relationship.

OP was initially looking for advice for what she can do to improve her libido. It is amazing that on those simple facts that this so many pp to jump to a husband being terrible. Nothing sounds coercive about people communicating that there are issues. What is the preference? Would people prefer that he doesn’t communicate and suddenly leaves her? Would he be allowed to tell her why, under that circumstance? Or would that be risking making her feel bad so still unacceptable?

I’m never quite sure what so many commenters think they contribute to the OPs on these posts, telling someone that their husband is terrible when they seem reasonable. Do they think they have provided advice that will improve OPs life? Encouraging conflict in her marriage, potentially pushing forward to a divorce. Is this helpful? Is the general belief that divorce from someone you did love is a great life? The complexity of organising co-parenting, the added pressure of two households, the loneliness, the joy of re-entering the dating scene, are these aspirational options? Or would sensible advice that may help a marriage, where the issues sound like:

1. mis-matched libidos (with both partners wanting to address it); and
2. a current short term medical issue; be more appropriate?

So many comments seem to say so much more about those posting them than the issue they are supposed to be addressing.

Thanks for this! Yes originally I asked for advice on how to increase my libido.

I love my husband and definitely don’t want to get a divorce. I also don’t want him to be unhappy, and so am willing to try different things to improve my sex drive.

From friends I know that this is a really common issue between partners after children have been born. I just wondered if anyone had found a way to improve things?

My husband isn’t a bad person. He can be a bit dramatic sometimes but we all have flaws.

I have been the one with the higher desire at times in my relationship before when my husband has been going through stress or illness. Not once have I ever said to him how I was struggling with the imposed celibacy! How ridiculous. Ofcourse that is said to to guilt trip op. He sounds massively entitled.

Is he interested in other forms of intimacy cuddles being close deep long chats?

I think the best way to improve your libido is your be generally well, fit and healthy. Do you exercise? Do you have time to relax?

Secondly thing is confidence. Do you feel good about your body? If no is there anything you can do to feel better? Example- going for a wax, tan, nails.

Third thing is stress levels. Are you having downtime, time to relax and chill?

I’m glad you are not getting dispirited by the usual comments you get on these threads. I think people discussing these maters can result in either (or both) getting hurt about how things are expressed, but I doubt it is intended.

Perhaps taking some pressure off yourself here, he probably appreciates that you recognise that this is not how either of you want things to be, but it is what it is right now. The immediate issue is medical so that should be the focus, but if he know you want things to change so both of you are happier in the relationship that has to be something (just look at how many on here seem to assume that recognising any issue as such is wrong).

Those early ears are really hard (also great, which you notice once they are past them) so will place a strain. But there will be good advice about steps to take, but both of you still considering the other’s perspective should help avoiding the build up of the negative feelings that detail everything.

Good luck with it.

My libido really picked up when I started reading erotic fiction/fan fiction online. Worth a try?

There is a massive difference between periods of stress and illness and a realisation that your dp would happily not have much sex if any ever again

I agree that no one should have to do anything they don't want to. And it's not fair of the other half trying to guilt you into doing things either. But to defend her husband, he is entitled to his feelings as much as everyone else, it's just his communication method that's (very) crap.

Personally, I don't find my relationship what I want it to be for similar reasons - I haven't resorted to the same actions as her husband (well not entirely anyway) but in my experience no amount of counselling to improve communication works long term. Yes, we can be gown up and understand each others side - but it doesn't change things really. I want what I had before we had children and my other half doesn't - I wont go into detail but sometimes when I'm very down about it I would consider that I fell for the time-old "bait and switch" routine as we are continents apart.

I think you have to keep talking to avoid the resentment building - my other half would prefer I just forget about it but at least talking keeps some fires burning. Ultimately even if nothing changes you understand things better.

It’s really usual to have low libido when you have little kids, I think it’s constantly being on demand from their needs 24/7, then the minute you get to lie in bed you’ve got your DH waggling his eyebrows at you. I know it’s well meaning from them, but it’s like: eurgh another job to do before I can rest.

I would recommend: lots of time spent on your own looking after yourself and doing what you want so you feel like a super sexy independent interesting woman again (not just a drudge), time with friends (not talking about children), and also spending time with your DH out of the house having fun (not talking about children or admin).
And spicy fiction.
But I would most recommend time to yourself doing things you like.

Agreed - look after yourselves. I'd worry more when those child are not so little anymore though - and that's what can happen if you let things go on un-discussed and there is a "new normal" in force. Then I've found you can't change it - it's kinda set in stone. I am not sure what we could have done differently though if we had our time again - calling out unhappiness early is where the OP is at - many years later with the same issue is where I am at. The difficult observation to me is given what I know today, would have I embarked on the same journey back then - and the honest answer is no, I wouldn't. So do attempt to keep talking to avoid retrospective negativity.

It's weird advice to go to a GP because of low libido. There's nothing wrong with it, especially when there are littles to look after. It sounds like a social pressure to pathologise something that is completely normal.

Early 30’s and won’t have sex with your husband? Poor man.