Sex life making husband unhappy

[Rocksintheriver]

Hi,

I don’t know what I want from posting about this, maybe some advice or solidarity.

Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood. But on average we have sex every 1-2 weeks.

For context, we haven’t been intimate for about 3-4 weeks as I have a medical issue that is making it uncomfortable. I’ve been referred and have a hospital appointment soon.

This amount isn’t enough for my DH. He’s spoken about this a few times before today, and is sensitive about it. He’s not bold and brash and demanding we have more sex. He just states that for him to be happy he would need us to do this more.

Ive explained to him that it’s not because I don’t love or fancy him etc, my body just doesn’t have the urge to have sex anymore than we currently do. He does his fair share of childcare and things around the house, so I’m not resentful or burnt out or anything like that. I just have no libido.

Today he has mentioned that he’s feeling down due to ‘the celibacy’, and that he’s doing some mindfulness practice around this to ‘cope’. This has really upset me for some reason. I don’t feel like he is celibate, and I don’t want him to have to ‘cope’ in his marriage with me. It’s made me feel really inadequate and powerless as it’s not something I’m doing on purpose.

I said we need to sit and have a talk about this tonight once the kids are in bed. And he says we don’t need to talk about it, he’s fine and just needs to adjust. He’s said he’s looked up how priests manage to live with no sex. It’s really upset me. It’s like he’s given up and resigned.

What can I do to improve my libido? It’s clearly causing an issue in my marriage, and I really don’t want that. I understand that sex is really important.

You are just not compatible sexually at the present time. See your GP by all means. But different people have different needs/desires and some sort of compromise has to be reached if the relationship is to survive.

I think we all agree about not making comments to her or trying it on while she’s in pain and waiting for treatment.

Her original post was about the situation generally that has been going on for the last five years from what I can tell.

Oh my lord, no I obviously did not and am not saying that.

I think there are two problems being conflated in the original post. The current situation in which it's painful to have sex is very difficult and of course should be treated with the utmost patience and respect by her husband.

However I think this is a distraction from the OP's real issue which is that even when there are no medical issues, there is a significant mismatch which she can't just wish away.

The way he’s behaving, the drama llama of it all, would give me the complete ick. No thanks. I know it’s difficult- I’m actually in a similar situation; my libido has completely gone due to complex autoimmune issues and early menopause (I’m 44) and it’s very rare I have the energy yet alone urge anymore, Dh is very understanding about it. If he wasn’t I’d genuinely rather be on my own, I’ve been divorced before and I genuinely don’t have the energy to deal with someone moping about (had that before in my previous relationship). If you don’t feel like it then that’s that and he either puts up or leaves. Harsh but true,

nobody walks around with a permanent hard on for their partner, especially with young kids.

I was in a similar position to you a year ago and my husband expressed that he wasn’t happy with the lack of sex and other intimacy (hugs, kissing etc).

so I made an effort.

I took sexy pictures of myself (which I found quite erotic, especially his reaction to them), we made an effort to sleep naked and stroke eachother in bed which invariably led to sex. Something about being clean and naked and in close proximity to someone you fancy seemed to have that effect.

we ensured we kissed every day. Proper snogging type kisses. Just one a day at some point, either person could instigate, it didn’t matter. That sometimes led to more too.

and the more we did it, the more I wanted to do it. A good session would make me think about it again the next day, which would make me up for it…

spend time with eachother, appreciate him for who he is and put yourself out there and hopefully it’ll follow.

we went from sex 1-2x a month to pretty much every day! That has now calmed down again and now it’s 1-2x per week (health reasons have reduced it) but would like to be more like 3x per week.

But all of this only works if you do have some smidgen of libido in the first place. If you don’t then the whole idea of sexy underwear and being naked in bed etc just seems absolutely ridiculous and awful. It’s like trying to relight a fire with an ice cube and a match.

I dunno, I would struggle if I was the DH in this situation and I am female. but it sounds like he has pushed it too far and strayed into ‘being a nob’ territory.

It is sad that you now no longer hug him in case he tries to pressure you. That is not good.

wanting sex with a 3 and 5 year old is tricky. Takes so much longer to get into the ‘zone’. Can you explain this and say you want some free time, an easy dinner, a nice shower or bath then see how you feel? Have you got a lock on your bedroom door for piece of mind?

he needs to give you space to relax, his approach at the moment is counter productive.

Gah and just seen the cyst update ! Ouch. Tho @Fatrollypolly makes a good point in general.

does he want to have sex when he knows it hurt you? THAT is very very off putting indeed

I have a theory around mismatched sex drives and young children.

It is that the partner who wants it more needs to step up and do more at home and with the kids, while the other partner puts their feet up. It doesn't matter if they think they're already doing their "share".

One of three things will happen. Either their partner will feel grateful, more rested, less touched out and less taken for granted and will want more sex. Or the partner with the higher sex drive will become more exhausted by the extra chores and childcare that they're doing, so that their sex drive will naturally lower to the level of their partner's. Both of these remove the issue. Or there is a genuine incompatibility and the relationship needs to be reassessed.

In your case, this is inapplicable atm due to your medical issue and your husband just needs to leave well alone. You should not be having painful sex - end of. But if that is resolved, then tell your husband to do everything for the kids and in the house for a whole weekend and see if he still wants sex at the end of it.

'Since having our DC (5 and 3), my libido has been in my boots. I want to want to have sex, but the urge often isn’t there and at the moment I’d ideally like to have sex once a month. That’s how often I really feel in the mood.'

So the cyst is a bit of a red herring since she simply doesn't want sex, she 'wants to want it' but it's not on. Take the cyst out of the equation and she'll still not be wanting sex. I get it that having children can knock it for six, as can many other things in life. They can talk about it (or as mumsnet would put it be a whining manchild) or ignore it until they're basically living as friends and he decides to part company and seek love elsewhere.

Well projecting your own fears onto this lay isn't going to help the OP. I'd say any woman is better off alone rather than daily badgering for sex out of a male perceived marital duty.

Not projecting any fear. I left a long relationship with sex being a main factor. I was the "DH" even though I'm a woman.

The constant rejection and lack of attention just kills the love stone dead after a while. Which is seen time and time again on this forum, but yet we still give people advice to just ignore being "manipulated"
It's not manipulation. It's communicating.

Sex isn't a dirty thing that some on Mumsnet make it out to be

Well if one thing is sure OP your post shows why this is a question you don’t go looking for answers on MN. 2/3 of the responses will run to “he is a baddie” responses. Entirely unhelpful when you are looking for an answer to your problem not other people dumping their emotional baggage on you.

Given the reverse suggestions from these people would be to leave (with some people suggesting getting it elsewhere), it makes sense you want to address an issue. I’m not sure where is a good source of advice, but presumably there are people who specialise in this presumably councillors.

Once the Cyst is addressed and you are just back to dealing with the low libido perhaps try that, but focus on the acute issue first.

With kids your age, every one to 2 weeks is above average. You should tell him that. Does he not have a right hand to use in between? Every one to 2 weeks is far, far, far from celibate. He is taking the piss.

Look up health and her intimacy. It’s a blend of nutrients, vitamins for daily support. I could have wrote your post a few months ago and was willing to try anything!! These have helped a lot

That's right, she just needs to tell him.

I'm sure that will do the trick!

Communicating is not prick like. Neither is him taking the decision to figure out how to live without. Where is the prick behaviour

Christ men are bad for talking about it. Bad for not talking about it. They can’t win

I disagree, having tried those things. Sometimes you need to put yourself in a position to get turned on and that in turn will raise your libido. If you’re run ragged with the kids and the only time with your partner is arguing about who is doing the washing up, like you’re gonna wanna shag!

So sex is painful and he still wants it - that would kill anyone’s sex drive.

Tell him ‘you need to cope with a hand job versus coercion of your wife into sex and guilt trips to try to get your wife to have painful sex - ‘

he need to get a grip

Sex isn’t just PIV.

whats wrong with touching eachother, oral sex, mutual masturbation, ‘clothes sex’ or whatever the technical term is for it (touching genitals with genitals but not penetrating).

He's not coming across well here at all!

Since you have a cyst that's making penetrative sex painful then intercourse needs to be taken off the table. How on earth can either of you expect you to enjoy doing something that hurts? Having sex under those circumstances is going to put you off all intamacy and make you resent him. Maybe he's come to that conclusion himself which is why he's talking about priests and celibacy. Maybe that's too generous of me. I don't know.

Until the cyst is resolved, can you explore other ways to be intamate? It could lead you both to being more creative than you have been, you might find new things to try that excite you.

Does he meet your needs when you're intamate? Equally, do you take time to find your own pleasure? The more orgasms you have, the more you'll want.

Googling celibacy and priesthood I suppose.

He is neither. He knows it. He's just being a petulant child. Guaranteed virginity restored.

Honestly mumsnet is not a place for healthy discussions on sex or intimacy in relationships.

The default is any man who dares express some form of displeasure regarding sex is selfish, immature, a creep, pathetic and should be down on his hands and knees grateful his partner is putting out at all.

And women, have no responsibility at all in being open or accepting of attempting to meet their partners needs or desires if they differ from their own. Even suggesting it is labelled as coercive.

Especially if you also happen to be a mother, and work. Because that alone is a sufficient contribution to the relationship.

And then there is mass confusion when there is dead relationships, apparently out of the blue requests for a divorce and worse an affair.

This isn't about wanting sex now with an ovarian cyst.

It's about the push and pull before that which has turned sex and intimacy into a battle ground. Even if it's a somewhat silent one.

Both of you have fallen into the trap of thinking sex is intimacy and erotic desire is all about sex.

It isn't.

And women tend to struggle much more with spontaneous desire than men. There is much goes into that just a bit of foreplay and off you go.

If your really interested in fixing it then both of you need to invest in learning about intimacy and desire out side of pure PIC sex and what that means for both of you.

Look up some books together, pod casts, games to prompt discussion in a fun less confrontational way.

Its of the table now, because absolutely no woman should put herself through the hell of sex with an ovarian cyst, so put the time to go use, learning how to build intimacy in different ways that doesn't involve you feeling under pressure and him rejected.

But he has to be willing to learn and open himself up to understanding sex in a long term relationship is much more than PIV same as you.

This.

You feel upset about him comparing himself to a priest and reading up about how to cope as a celibate, as it was meant to upset you. He is being deliberately manipulative. He clearly is not celibate but is looking to upset and guilt trip you.