Hi,
I'm not a mum so I hope this is ok here. On other sites like redit all there seems to be is men saying kick her out to any affair post.
Not sure what advise I'm looking for, maybe just some outside perspective.
We've been married over 10 years. Together for 20. We have two amazing kids, 10 and 16.
We've had our ups and downs but through everything we've always been close. We talk about our days, what's going on in the world, our kids. Absolutely anything and everything except how we're feeling.
I've acknowledged that and other areas we failed in.
We have grown distant over the last while. Physically too. I'm much more of a physical person than she is. It's always been that way. She started to shrug off my touch or a hug like I was dirty. The more that happened the more it hurt so I stopped trying as much.
We stopped sleeping in the same bed. I snore quite loudly and have tried all sorts but nothings worked. She's a light sleeper and has a temper if disturbed so I started sleeping on the sofa so she could have a good nights sleep.
Sex was still there even with me sleeping on the sofa. But over time she withdrew more from that too. I would never complain or say it's something I need. To me sex should always be mutual.
She would say she had lost her confidence and needed space and her mental health wasn't good. Me touching her or trying to kiss was not helping. She asked me to give her space and let her come to me. We both agreed a marriage is about so much more than sex. So I gave her space and her initiating anything became less and less. When we did she would say she wanted to more but then we'd have the same conversation about space.
Back end of last year she became so much more distant and highly irritable.
She would snap at the smallest thing. No matter what I did it always seemed I was in the wrong.
We still had plenty of moments though where we would talk about everything.
And throughout I could always make her smile or laugh.
I know her mental health isn't great so I figured it was just a rough patch and tried to help as best as I could and give her the space she needs. I started to notice that if she went a few days not taking one of the tablets she takes for her mental health, she would be much more herself and happier. I suggested talking to the doctor and changing it.
Instead she just stopped taking it all together. For a few days she was fine but then slowly became even snappier. More on edge.
There was no chance in having a conversation about it.
Around that time last year I started to suspect there may be someone else but dismissed it.
A month or so back though I found a freshly used pregnancy test. As we've not had sex in a few months I knew there was someone else.
I thought about nothing else for quite a while. I needed to know who and how long. I desperately wanted to say something but didn't know how. I think I was scared to hear the truth.
I've always been a firm believer in cheating is the end. No exceptions.
But faced with reality I realised just how much I loved her and started to put myself in her shoes. I felt lonely but hadn't thought she felt the same.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how I can be better. I decided I wanted to fight for us.
Then a couple of weeks ago after a night out she told me she thinks we are done. We talked a lot and hugged a lot. I asked her about the test and she claimed it was an old one. I knew she was lying but there was a glimmer of hope that I was wrong.
I told her again a night later that I thought she was lying. I even said who I thought it was. A person who for months had loved every social media post of hers and just looked like a right smug bastard. He was someone she used to work with. I'd even tried to help him find a new job when he was made redundant. Never met him but took his number to a few contacts I new were looking for someone.
I told her how I felt and what she meant to me. I also told her how all I want is for her to be happy and if that truely means without me then I won't stand in her way.
We actually got along better after talking about us and we both went through all sorts of emotions.
We even spent a night just holding each other and kissing. Nothing further. It didn't feel right to do anything more than that.
There were also some lows. She wasn't coping well with the turmoil in emotion it seamed so when she said she needed a night away from me, the kids and the pets just to cry and let it all out and not be disturbed I agreed. I had a suspicion she wasn't going for that reason but I gave her my card to book a hotel with and left to pick up our son.
She was gone by the time I was back.
I felt awful but kept it together and got the kids sorted and once in bed I kept checking my phone. I could see it had been a while since she had looked at hers. The goodnight messages from the kids had gone unread and her activity on social media said it had been a couple of hours since she looked.
Then I got a phone call from her. I answered and there was just silence. I asked if everything was ok. Was she ok.
After a minute or so the sound came on and I could hear her breathing heavily. Then I heard a man groaning really loudly.
It felt like everything in me broke. There was no glimmer of hope to hold onto.
I said I could hear them three times. Then it muted. I couldn't make myself end the call. I couldn't move at all.
The call ended a few minutes after and I called back twice. She answered and I said I'd heard them.
Reluctantly she told me who it was and I was right about the person.
She came home. We talked through until the sun came up.
To start with she said that was the first time. I called BS and she then said there was one other time when she said she'd stayed over at a friends house after a night out. I still think there was more.
They'd been meeting up for a few months for drinks or coffees. Messaging for longer.
We thought her fitbit had made the call to start with as she didn't understand how it happened and how I could hear as her phone was across the room in her jacket pocket.
I found out that fitbits can't make calls and hers doesn't have a microphone. She said that when they were finished she looked for her phone but couldn't find it so they both looked. She told him to check her jacket again and he found it and handed it to her and thats when she saw it was on a call with me.
I firmly believe he made the call. He took her phone earlier and as I'm her emergancy contact he didn't have to unlock the phone to call me.
She said he told her he loves her so I think that was him trying to force me to leave her. She doesn't believe that but did doubt him enough to send him a message asking for him to tell her the truth.
We've spent a lot of time talking. About where we went wrong. How we feel. What we need to do, what we should do.
I told her that night that I forgave her. She was not expecting that at all knowing what my attitude towards affairs was.
We've arranged counselling to start in a couple of weeks time.
We're still living together and have actually gotten along really well.
Even the kids have noticed how much calmer she is.
I saw some of the messages on her phone the day after. I've never ever gone through her phone but I saw a message from him pop up and opened it. It was before she messaged about the truth of the call. He said he wanted to still be close but understood she needs time to sort her family out.
I looked at past messages and saw them talking about what they'd wanted to do to each other. I immediately told her what I'd done as I felt guilty and sick.
I've not demanded anything. I do not control her actions and never will. I have not said to never contact him again.
A few days ago she told me that she is cutting all contact with him and that it hurts because apart from anything they have been friends for a long time.
I do want to believe her, and I think I do but more and more I'm finding it hard to trust anything she says. I won't ask to see her phone as I do not want to be that person. I have said how I feel though.
She tells me she wants to try and fix us but it's scary to think of the work we need to do. She does say when she looks into the future she can't see life without me. And I can't see life without her. But is that as just friends, co-parents or together?
I'm worried I forgave too quick and didn't give myself time to think. I do love her and I do want to try and fix us.
Regardless of what happens I am using this pain to make myself a better me. I do more in the house. I have been taking better care of myself and have joined a gym so I have somewhere to vent physically.
I'm taking a step back from the evening work I do that was always a problem for us. While the money was nice and I love that I have something very cool to do and get paid. It built up to two or three nights a week. I've hired others to cover me and am taking a step back to only work on the events I want to.
So I know I'll come out of this better. I just want to know how to protect myself from it happening again without being controlling or an arsehole.