I forgave her, perhaps too quick

[AnonymouseDad]

Hi,

I'm not a mum so I hope this is ok here. On other sites like redit all there seems to be is men saying kick her out to any affair post.

Not sure what advise I'm looking for, maybe just some outside perspective.

We've been married over 10 years. Together for 20. We have two amazing kids, 10 and 16.

We've had our ups and downs but through everything we've always been close. We talk about our days, what's going on in the world, our kids. Absolutely anything and everything except how we're feeling.

I've acknowledged that and other areas we failed in.

We have grown distant over the last while. Physically too. I'm much more of a physical person than she is. It's always been that way. She started to shrug off my touch or a hug like I was dirty. The more that happened the more it hurt so I stopped trying as much.

We stopped sleeping in the same bed. I snore quite loudly and have tried all sorts but nothings worked. She's a light sleeper and has a temper if disturbed so I started sleeping on the sofa so she could have a good nights sleep.
Sex was still there even with me sleeping on the sofa. But over time she withdrew more from that too. I would never complain or say it's something I need. To me sex should always be mutual.

She would say she had lost her confidence and needed space and her mental health wasn't good. Me touching her or trying to kiss was not helping. She asked me to give her space and let her come to me. We both agreed a marriage is about so much more than sex. So I gave her space and her initiating anything became less and less. When we did she would say she wanted to more but then we'd have the same conversation about space.

Back end of last year she became so much more distant and highly irritable.
She would snap at the smallest thing. No matter what I did it always seemed I was in the wrong.

We still had plenty of moments though where we would talk about everything.
And throughout I could always make her smile or laugh.

I know her mental health isn't great so I figured it was just a rough patch and tried to help as best as I could and give her the space she needs. I started to notice that if she went a few days not taking one of the tablets she takes for her mental health, she would be much more herself and happier. I suggested talking to the doctor and changing it.

Instead she just stopped taking it all together. For a few days she was fine but then slowly became even snappier. More on edge.

There was no chance in having a conversation about it.

Around that time last year I started to suspect there may be someone else but dismissed it.

A month or so back though I found a freshly used pregnancy test. As we've not had sex in a few months I knew there was someone else.

I thought about nothing else for quite a while. I needed to know who and how long. I desperately wanted to say something but didn't know how. I think I was scared to hear the truth.

I've always been a firm believer in cheating is the end. No exceptions.

But faced with reality I realised just how much I loved her and started to put myself in her shoes. I felt lonely but hadn't thought she felt the same.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I can be better. I decided I wanted to fight for us.

Then a couple of weeks ago after a night out she told me she thinks we are done. We talked a lot and hugged a lot. I asked her about the test and she claimed it was an old one. I knew she was lying but there was a glimmer of hope that I was wrong.

I told her again a night later that I thought she was lying. I even said who I thought it was. A person who for months had loved every social media post of hers and just looked like a right smug bastard. He was someone she used to work with. I'd even tried to help him find a new job when he was made redundant. Never met him but took his number to a few contacts I new were looking for someone.

I told her how I felt and what she meant to me. I also told her how all I want is for her to be happy and if that truely means without me then I won't stand in her way.

We actually got along better after talking about us and we both went through all sorts of emotions.

We even spent a night just holding each other and kissing. Nothing further. It didn't feel right to do anything more than that.

There were also some lows. She wasn't coping well with the turmoil in emotion it seamed so when she said she needed a night away from me, the kids and the pets just to cry and let it all out and not be disturbed I agreed. I had a suspicion she wasn't going for that reason but I gave her my card to book a hotel with and left to pick up our son.

She was gone by the time I was back.

I felt awful but kept it together and got the kids sorted and once in bed I kept checking my phone. I could see it had been a while since she had looked at hers. The goodnight messages from the kids had gone unread and her activity on social media said it had been a couple of hours since she looked.

Then I got a phone call from her. I answered and there was just silence. I asked if everything was ok. Was she ok.
After a minute or so the sound came on and I could hear her breathing heavily. Then I heard a man groaning really loudly.

It felt like everything in me broke. There was no glimmer of hope to hold onto.

I said I could hear them three times. Then it muted. I couldn't make myself end the call. I couldn't move at all.

The call ended a few minutes after and I called back twice. She answered and I said I'd heard them.

Reluctantly she told me who it was and I was right about the person.

She came home. We talked through until the sun came up.

To start with she said that was the first time. I called BS and she then said there was one other time when she said she'd stayed over at a friends house after a night out. I still think there was more.

They'd been meeting up for a few months for drinks or coffees. Messaging for longer.

We thought her fitbit had made the call to start with as she didn't understand how it happened and how I could hear as her phone was across the room in her jacket pocket.

I found out that fitbits can't make calls and hers doesn't have a microphone. She said that when they were finished she looked for her phone but couldn't find it so they both looked. She told him to check her jacket again and he found it and handed it to her and thats when she saw it was on a call with me.

I firmly believe he made the call. He took her phone earlier and as I'm her emergancy contact he didn't have to unlock the phone to call me.

She said he told her he loves her so I think that was him trying to force me to leave her. She doesn't believe that but did doubt him enough to send him a message asking for him to tell her the truth.

We've spent a lot of time talking. About where we went wrong. How we feel. What we need to do, what we should do.

I told her that night that I forgave her. She was not expecting that at all knowing what my attitude towards affairs was.

We've arranged counselling to start in a couple of weeks time.

We're still living together and have actually gotten along really well.

Even the kids have noticed how much calmer she is.

I saw some of the messages on her phone the day after. I've never ever gone through her phone but I saw a message from him pop up and opened it. It was before she messaged about the truth of the call. He said he wanted to still be close but understood she needs time to sort her family out.
I looked at past messages and saw them talking about what they'd wanted to do to each other. I immediately told her what I'd done as I felt guilty and sick.

I've not demanded anything. I do not control her actions and never will. I have not said to never contact him again.

A few days ago she told me that she is cutting all contact with him and that it hurts because apart from anything they have been friends for a long time.

I do want to believe her, and I think I do but more and more I'm finding it hard to trust anything she says. I won't ask to see her phone as I do not want to be that person. I have said how I feel though.

She tells me she wants to try and fix us but it's scary to think of the work we need to do. She does say when she looks into the future she can't see life without me. And I can't see life without her. But is that as just friends, co-parents or together?

I'm worried I forgave too quick and didn't give myself time to think. I do love her and I do want to try and fix us.

Regardless of what happens I am using this pain to make myself a better me. I do more in the house. I have been taking better care of myself and have joined a gym so I have somewhere to vent physically.
I'm taking a step back from the evening work I do that was always a problem for us. While the money was nice and I love that I have something very cool to do and get paid. It built up to two or three nights a week. I've hired others to cover me and am taking a step back to only work on the events I want to.

So I know I'll come out of this better. I just want to know how to protect myself from it happening again without being controlling or an arsehole.

@AnonymouseDad "I also think she feels a huge amount of relief because she was caught."

This is also a positive sign. It means that even though she was flushed with intoxicating limerance, the affair caused her sufficient cognitive dissonance for it to feel unpleasant. The shock of exposure, and the grubby nature of it, was probably also a very sobering and shocking experience.

As the betrayed spouse (BS), you can't do anything to repair what is broken in her, which led her to cheat. Only she can do that. But you can act to make the affair very unpleasant, so that she does not go back to the AP and get sucked back into the addictive fog of limerance and the siren's call of validation and excitement. The more time away from the AP, the more the fog will clear and the more she will be able to hear what her therapist and you are saying to her.

One way to make the affair very unpleasant is to tell other people about it. Your mutual friends, your families. This has an extremely sobering effect on cheaters. No doubt you are loath to do this, because you're afraid she will flip and leave, but this is a very effective tool to breaking up the affair, because it will be extremely confronting when people she respects demonstrate their shock and condemnation of her behavior. BUT this exposure should be done early, while she's still reeling from being embarrassment and shame at her affair being discovered by you. If you don't do this, you become complicit to her affair and the opportunity to blow it out of the sky becomes lost.

In a way, you can justify exposure as an act of protection of her. Her AP is not a good guy, not just because he was having sex with a married woman, not just because he likely took advantage of your wife's friendship with him and vulnerability, but also because he deliberately tried to destroy her marriage in a very underhand and frankly horrifyingly hurtful (to you) manner. By breaking up the affair, you will help her escape a destructive relationship with a coercive creep and get the help she needs to heal what is broken in her.

She WILL be VERY angry that you tell others. But stick to your guns.

Also, make sure you expose the affair to people who are friends of your marriage ie people who will actually be appalled and shocked, and not blindly taking her side and encouraging her in her destructive behavior.

I think you can forgive without being over it yet councilling is the thing to do and you have that lined up.

you said you were out working 3 nights a week. Now you have reduced that and are ping more around the house. This doesn’t excuse an affair but may have contributed to her having one. No one can tell you if you will trust her again but if you address all the reasons she had one and she’s showing remorse then perhaps with time you could trust it won’t happen again.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
I've been wondering about telling others. I've told a very close friend and his new partner who is an old friend of mine from years back.

My wife has told two close friends and is today telling a mutual friend at her work. Someone I know has integrity and will call out any negative behavior they see.

The person I've wanted to talk with the most though is my oldest friend and her best friend. We've been friends for 40 years and it was her who introduced me to my wife. My kids think of her and her husband as more family than our actual family. We've even got kids the same age now. We grew up together and there is no ones opinion I value more.

My wife has asked me not to tell them and we did have a huge argument over it. I ended up saying I won't but if we try and you break trust again then I won't hesitate to open up to her and our families.

We are keeping it from the kids though. They don't need any of this right now.

You are right about the anger. I think I'm worried how she will react and knowing her it will not be well.

But one area I really do have to tread carefully is her mental health. She's suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. At her lowest she blames me for it but we've always known its more than that and she does or did get help until she decided to come off the medication cold turkey. My worry is pushing her too far over the edge and that could take away our kids mum.

She has had those dark thoughts before.

It's tough. I'm hoping the therapist can help open this up in a safe way.

Why are you putting the ball in her court though? This should be your decision, not hers, you’re the one that has been scorned and treated poorly so you should be the one calling the shots on what happens next which is you should leave this woman for good, move out and maintain a decent relationship with your kids. It’s time for you to heal and be with someone who genuinely respects loves and adores you in every way!
Life is too short to settle for this nonsense.

@AnonymouseDad

"My wife has asked me not to tell them and we did have a huge argument over it. I ended up saying I won't but if we try and you break trust again then I won't hesitate to open up to her and our families."

Your wife is busily selecting and spinning the people who will be most sympathetic. She is trying to control the narrative. Her narrative will not be anywhere close to the truth, AND it will not be favourable to you. Watch out. Cheaters love to blame their spouses for everything.

That the potential exposure to friend led to a big argument between you shows exactly how unhumble, entitled, unrepentent, and arrogant she still is. She's trying to drive the boat, like she has been doing ever since the affair started. But just like you wouldn't allow a drunk to drive a car, neither should you allow a wayward spouse to drive the reconciliation/recovery bus.

She has a very long way to go to true remorse and being a safe spouse for you. Are you sure you're up for hanging in with her? It's going to be a really exhausting, painful, long haul. You should read infidelity stories on SI and elsewhere (Chump Lady is also a good source) to know what you're committing to here.

In any case, the fact that this one friendship is the one she absolutely does not want to expose to means that this is EXACTLY the friend to whom the affair should be exposed. Don't let her control the narrative. She needs to be thrown off balance, otherwise she'll just keep running amok like a horse with its head up in the air, doing harm to you, herself, and eventually others as well.

"We are keeping it from the kids though. They don't need any of this right now."

How old are the kids? Are they at home?

"You are right about the anger. I think I'm worried how she will react and knowing her it will not be well."

Yes, she will go bananas. All cheaters go absolutely ballistic on exposure, they scream and yell, have fits of rage, and threaten to leave. Some do leave, shouting and cursing and shrieking that they're going to divorce. Most of them come back. The ones who don't were not good reconciliation candidates in the first place. The ones who do come back have been shaken somewhat out of their smug security.

That's what waywards need: to be shaken, off balance, worried about what they will lose if they go on the way they are going. Basically, to go forward, your wife will have to do some very painful work on herself, and she's going to resist that very strongly. She will really want to keep falling back on her terrible coping skills rather than learning new ones, because learning is hard. If you let her stay safe and unchallenged, she'll not learn anything, nor will she have the desire to learn anything.

"But one area I really do have to tread carefully is her mental health. She's suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. At her lowest she blames me for it but we've always known its more than that and she does or did get help until she decided to come off the medication cold turkey. My worry is pushing her too far over the edge and that could take away our kids mum."

She's weaponizing her mental health issues to control you. Don't allow her to do that either. I suggest that you tell her that you staying is conditional on her getting an individual therapist and treatment for her depression and anxiety, and sticking to both.

And I'd tell that one friend and your families about the affair. Don't let her control the narrative.

When she freaks out, ask her why her embarrassment is more important than your pain?

There's a saying that is common to infidelity boards: to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to lose it.

We all make mistakes. Some so heinous that we deny them even to ourselves. Relationships take work and to be able to forgive ( and really forgive ) will take a weight off your shoulders. Otherwise resentment will burn away.

I feel for you OP. I’m a wife, found out my DP was cheating on me with a work colleague for 3 years. The lies and deceit were unbelievable. I always said I’d never, ever forgive him if he did something like that but no one really know what they’d do until it happens.

He promised to work on us and do everything it took to make things right. 2 years down the line, he is still showing me love every day. It’s not perfect - no relationship is - but I’m glad we went down that path and in many ways we’re stronger for it. If you’re going to make a go of it, make sure the other man is truly out of the picture.

Our counsellor made us take ourselves right back to the beginning. Date nights every other week, organised by each of us alternatively (usually we would keep it a surprise). We had a list of questions to ask each other on every date that would deepen our connection.
Even though it’s been 2 years, I still have moments of deep sadness and disbelief that this ever happened. Something that helps me is using Chat GPT. Many people dislike the idea of using AI but I just pour out my heart on down days and it’s like talking to a very wise, good friend. My ex-tutor is a mental health nurse and he recommended it.
I wish you all the best, OP.

You're not going to know if you were too fast to forgive until you've had a bit of time to think this through. There are also nuances to it - you can forgive and still decide you want to end your relationship and try to build a good co-parenting one.

What strikes me from this is that it's unclear how much sleep either of you is getting. Everything gets a bit easier with more sleep, even if it's still really hard. A sofa isn't a bed - ok if you must but not ideal for the long term. You can probably find a way to change things so you've got a bed each in different rooms. Even if you're not sleeping because of thinking about this / the future, a comfortable sleeping space will help you rest.

If you haven't already, it's worth seeing your GP and enquiring about sleep apnoea - you might just snore or you might do better with some professional help to improve the quality of rest you get.

See if you can agree a shorthand phrase for 'I'm too tired to keep talking about this now, can continue tomorrow' - discussing stuff all night isn't helpful. You'll have better discussions when well rested, especially if they're disagreements.

Also consider whether seeing a counsellor individually might help you, in addition to seeing one together.

I'm sorry but she's done it once. she'll do it again but this time you'll know the signs. life with her is better than without her so maybe you'll have to decide to put up and shut up til she grows out of it unless 1 wants her to leave but they wont want the kids. I think you are right to stay but don't believe a word she says.

I agree with the above. Its clearly over on her part.You should split while you are still amicable. It will drive you mad wondering if shes cheating again when shes not with you. Dont waste your time on this dead relationship go and find someone new who loves you back.

I’m a woman in a similar situation to you except the affair was two and a half years ago and although it ended the night I found out, my husband isn’t willing to work on our marriage. I forgave them both and have been in therapy and it helps. We are still best friends and close just no intimacy. We still share a bed. I always rocking on myself trying to learn to love myself again.

I highly recommend therapy for yourself not just couples.

I just wanted to post and wish you well, it's so very refreshing to hear someone so balanced and thoughtful of every aspect in such an emotional situation. I hope you are able to forge a path that makes you both happy.

Everything @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta said. Especially the bit about who you tell. Your wife doesn’t have a choice. If you want/need to tell your oldest friend, then tell her. It’s a shitty situation and I really feel for you but this is not your making, prioritize what you need and if that’s to try again if your wife is truly willing, that’s ok. But please put your needs first right now.

Why ? You can forgive someone immediately after something like this but the trust has to be rebuilt. It’s not automatic.

People do move on from affairs and people can go on to have stronger marriages. Its not easy, which is why discussing it with a counsellor will help work out if you are both able to do what you need to in order to move on.

Hope things will work out between you and your DW and wish you and your children all the best.

Noo, the trust is gone for now means he is hoping it will return over time.
Forgive her, why not, prob more for his sanity be it conscious or subconsciously, I forgave my stbxh as time passed and the hurt has calmed in me.

Forgiving someone isn’t the same as trusting them. Trust takes time to build but you can chose to forgive someone and not trust them immediately

I would be asking her to have a sexual health appointment before going any further with your forgiving considering she’s already had to test for a pregnancy.

My dad cheated on my mum; and they tried staying together. In fact I was the one who found the cheating evidence and had to tell my mum. It was and still is a nightmare for all involved, the atmosphere is awful even though they don’t fight or argue. Your kids will definitely suspect something is going on.

I don’t think mentally either of you will move forward and past this. She will no doubt cheat again as is the nature of a cheater, although mumsnetters ALWAYS look more favourably at a woman cheating. Whereas if it’s a man it’s “LTB”.

Let go and move on, find someone who respects you. Counselling does not solve these things completely and you will have to learn to live with the seed of doubt she’s now sown if you stay together.

it’s a cliche but trust is like a mirror. I wish my parents had broken up when I was 10-16 instead of staying together.

Surely there are husbands and wives who cheat - just once only. And there are many reasons for doing so, from loneliness or boredom, to pure sexual gratification which can often be stronger if illicit. We don't know what finally drove her to cheat, or whether it even gave her the high she thought it would. In a marriage of 20 years there must have been plenty of highs and lows, it isn't all a smooth ride, and sometimes bad choices are made. But they aren't necessarily marriage-ending or irreparable. If they were, millions of marriages would be on the rocks, some more than once. I also don't believe that someone who cheats once will necessarily cheat again if the underlying reason can be addressed.

There are plenty of marriages where sex is not the prime glue, or even the only glue, especially after a long time together.

Too many posters have written off this marriage as if nothing about it is worth fighting for, but both the OP and his wife think there is, and who is to say that they are wrong? In my seventies now, married for 53 years, I have had just one "near miss" of an affair, but amongst my friends several have shocked me by having far more than one, yet never been found out and are still married, seemingly happily, after even longer than I have. No, it isn't what any of us imagines happening to us, but it does, and it isn't all doom and gloom if the couple are both prepared to work on the key points of a relationship.

I say good luck to the OP, he sounds a wonderful man, and as none of us knows his wife she might also be a wonderful woman if you take the affair out of the equation. It isn't impossible.

I didn’t have to read this fully to know you were probably someone who had cheated or wanted to cheat.

your friends situations are completely different to this man’s, as their poor spouses never found out- as far as you know anyway. This guy knows thus is probably gonna be thinking oh she’s going to do it again for the rest of their relationship.

as you’re in your seventies you were probs taught to shut up and keep smiling if folk had affairs.

op obviously is having doubts else he wouldn’t have posted here.

silly irrelevant advice that has no place in 2025. I feel sorry for your husband.

Is this serious or a joke, no real man would put up with this, not for a second! Her feet would never step foot in that house again, seriously.

To much talking, hugging and whatever else simps do stop this nonsense and get rid, it's easy and simple.

Ok so if forgiving her is what you want thats ok, life isnt black and white. So I wont give my opinion on how id feel or what id do if it were my spouse and offer only opinions on how i think forgiveness could be best handled if thats what you want. I think

1. You need counselling alone. I understand the choices you made and offer no judgement, but you need a safe to work through your feelings. Your wife has been a dick. She's been so selfish and indulgent it's unreal. She's lucky this has torn your family apart, and it's OK to still love her, its OK to forgive her but you need a safe space to think about YOU, process your feeling and be sure it's not just a panic response but a choice to save this. And your self esteem probably needs rebuilding.
2. You need to marriage counselling. It's OK to love her and forgive her but she has to be accountable. She has to own what she did and maybe be honest with you and herself about is she feeling so bad she needs different medication or was her mental health exacerbated by guilt because of her affair?
3. Forgiveness is hard because your immune system is now associating her with disregulation. If she wants to save this you need to talk together about what you both need to regulate that fear response of going through this again. You have to tell her your fears, what you need for her and then you either have to give her the chance to do that or if you wont/can't leave her.
4. Keep up the gym, cortisol needs burning off - exercise will help.
5. Romance eachother, you need to talk about this to process it but you need to enjoy eachother too.

Most of all take some time, staying with her now doesn't mean you can't leave if it can't be saved and if you love her it's worth giving it a go before you decide. Forgiveness is brave, but remember accountability matters she needs to show some and you need to love yourself the way you wish she had and have for yourself a line in the sand. You need to say to her and yourself - this is what i want, this want i need, this is what I can give, and this is the last time I'll forgive this.

Best of luck

Sorry sir. I think you’re on here for the sympathy vote as some sort of paragon of virtue. Your marriage is over. Has been for some time. And you know it. But you’re not brave enough to do anything about it. Do yourself and your ‘wife’ a favour - end it. Your children are just about old enough to have this mess explained to them in humane and loving terms. The truth can come later if necessary. You two can then - as mature adults - go on to form proper loving relationships elsewhere, in the future.