Is this unusual behaviour?

[HappyDaysAreAhead]

My elderly Mum phones me 6-10 times a day as well as texts.

She is quite nosey and I know from experience that everything I say gets communicated back to my sibling who I have very little contact with.

I tend to limit what I say and just keep conversation light and uninteresting.

Historically she will try always try to catch me out on something I've said. Often, she tries to disprove something, all sorts, from trying to say I'm off work for the day and not told them to phoning me abroad to try and disprove I've actually gone abroad! No idea why.

Sibling is very self-absorbed and presents a 'pity me' attitude all of the time. Mum doesn't see this even when I raise it.

One time when I was holiday abroad she and my sibling drove to my house (haven't visited me for 10 years), knocked on door (obvs they knew I was abroad) then looked into the windows and letterbox for quite a while. Neighbour captured it on his CCTV and thought it was odd and he hadn't seen them before.

I have heard from others that my siblings thinks as I work and study part time that I should be doing a lot more for our Mum. I do 80% of stuff for her as she's elderly.Sibling does about 5%. My study is nearly up so this is possibly why it's getting worse.

My partner says this isn't normal behaviour for a Mum and sibling and thinks they are trying to control my time as phone often, emotionally pressure me to go round, expect me to be at their beck and call as I only work and study part time and the kids are at school all day so I must have loads of free time!

Is it normal?

No it is not even SLIGHTLY normal
Surely you must know this though?

It's always been like this, so to me it's normal. It's only a build up of stuff that has made my partner speak to.me about their behaviour.

I wouldn't be answering the phone if I was studying. Put it on do not disturb or switch off. My son is doing his masters so he's switched off his phone.

Mother and sister need boundaries.

Forgot to say, I don't have social media accts and sibling things this is odd. I just missed the boat on all that due to age. I can live without it anyway.

Sibling has acct passwords for my Mum's phone and seemingly urges her to phone me.

Big push recently to try to get me on WhatsApp. Partner says it's so sibling can access more stuff about me?

Who cares what your sibling thinks?!

Its beginning to sound like harassment with your updates in all honesty

Some days it's chronic. I was in the bath and missed replying to a text, then I get a barrage of missed calls from my Mum asking if I'm ok as she's aware I'm in the house alone? Often get asked aren't I bored? or tries to get me to say I'm bored. She often twists what I say too which is why I do my best to talk bland but it's obvs backfiring.

I suspect my Mum and sibling may be trying to manufacture it so I go to sit in with my Mum when I'm not at work but I have a partner, family etc and want to do my own stuff.

I don't know what to say.

I've always been the underdog in the family. Sibling has always been the golden child.

When I raise stuff my Mum just says so you won't help me then? or well if you don't do it, no-one will.

So I'm in a catch 22 every way.

I try my best but my best isn't good enough.

I get slated. Sibling just goes into 'pity' mode.

I don’t know what to say either

This is so far from a normal, healthy relationship that it sounds made up. Yet that’s not really the vibe you are giving me?

That behaviour is a long way from being even remotely normal. Your mother is a fruitcake and your sibling is a shit-stirrer.

Don't bow to the pressure, stop answering texts and calls unless you feel like it, and never voice an opinion on anything, however trivial. Just be totally bland and non-committal.

Elderly Mum is lonely and I get that she is, she also doesn't help herself on that front. I have tried a lot of things to get her new social activities.

Will put every onus on me and only occasionally ask sibling as they are busy as they work full time! (I work part time, study part time).

Your partner is right. The behaviour is bordering on harassment.

Can you see a therapist perhaps to help you think this all through? The key thing is to think through your boundaries.

How does your partner suggest you respond?

No it's always been like this. It's only my Partner raising it that I started to think. He says I've been conditioned by them.

I was taken aback as I thought it was normal and when we only see his Dad every other weekend, I just thought they aren't close.

Well, I think it is emotional manipulation and harrassment. It doesn’t sound like you are allowed to have your own life or peace and quiet. It sounds like you are afraid to have boundaries but you do need some.

A friend of mine ended up having to move 100 miles away from his toxic & manipulative parent and sibling.

I do try to be bland but they seem to now be taking it that I live a boring life and need to do stuff to make my life worth living.

Don't get me wrong, I'm only bothered about my elderly Mum. There is no love between my sibling and I.

I'm not sure if it's my Mum instigating the recent big push on me or my sibling.

Sibling is one of those butter wouldn't melt types when you first meet them. Then you get the pity me side of them and by that time people are usually sucked in.

It definitely sounds like they have conditioned you to accept their absolutely batshit demands
I agree with other posters that you need some sort of therapy to unpick all this and learn to live life a bit more on your terms

Failing that - move. Far, far away. And no, I’m not joking

Partner says I need to cut the amount of contact down as I'm jumping to act on multiple texts and phone calls now. He says they are controlling all of my time, wanting to know what I'm doing all of the time, then using it to slate me.

I do feel I'm doing more and more out of duty or obligation rather than wanting to. Its just always been like this. In the past, on occasion people have said a comment about them to me and I just thought oh they don't do that then for their family. End of.

At times I have said this in jest.

Then I think what state would Mum end up in? I can hear the comments they'd both make already.

My Mum complains egged on by my sibling I think.
But my Mum enables my sibling to live a free life based on that they have little free time, but not me?
She will always stick up for my sibling.

"I do try to be bland but they seem to now be taking it that I live a boring life and need to do stuff to make my life worth living"

They don't want you to 'do stuff', they want you to do as you are told.

Well I have news for them. You are a grown-up who doesn't have to do what your mother or your sibling tells you to do. What you do with your life and in your own time is none of their bloody business.

They are beyond interfering and manipulative. They are also trying their damnedest to exert coercive control over you, and make you out to be the bad guy when you don't play the game by their rules. Your mum is just as bad as your sibling. They are both beginning the campaign to exert pressure on you to care for your mum in her old age.

Have you ever heard of something called Grey Rock?

You won’t ever win OP. The more you give, the more they demand
You want to stop feeling like the lesser child, so do more and more. But it doesn’t change anything, does it?
Sibling is still golden child and you are the repressed mug who skivvies. Never quite good enough, always put down, criticised and kept under the thumb

Your partner is a diamond and is 100% correct.

I thought being bland was grey rock as this was what I usually do but it's backfiring on me?

I just read that to my Partner and he agrees. He says in other words that's exactly what he is raising.

Partner says it's now every little thing. Sibling is a tad overweight and trying to lose it so now I get bought a big bar of chocolate or cake. Partner says this is just another example.

I think you need to do more than just be bland. You need to be unavailable and uncommunicative.

You can't change their behaviour, but you can change yours. Stop answering every call. Stop responding to every text and demand. Stop dancing to their tune.

They are not the boss of you. No adult has the right to control another.