Is this unusual behaviour?

[HappyDaysAreAhead]

My elderly Mum phones me 6-10 times a day as well as texts.

She is quite nosey and I know from experience that everything I say gets communicated back to my sibling who I have very little contact with.

I tend to limit what I say and just keep conversation light and uninteresting.

Historically she will try always try to catch me out on something I've said. Often, she tries to disprove something, all sorts, from trying to say I'm off work for the day and not told them to phoning me abroad to try and disprove I've actually gone abroad! No idea why.

Sibling is very self-absorbed and presents a 'pity me' attitude all of the time. Mum doesn't see this even when I raise it.

One time when I was holiday abroad she and my sibling drove to my house (haven't visited me for 10 years), knocked on door (obvs they knew I was abroad) then looked into the windows and letterbox for quite a while. Neighbour captured it on his CCTV and thought it was odd and he hadn't seen them before.

I have heard from others that my siblings thinks as I work and study part time that I should be doing a lot more for our Mum. I do 80% of stuff for her as she's elderly.Sibling does about 5%. My study is nearly up so this is possibly why it's getting worse.

My partner says this isn't normal behaviour for a Mum and sibling and thinks they are trying to control my time as phone often, emotionally pressure me to go round, expect me to be at their beck and call as I only work and study part time and the kids are at school all day so I must have loads of free time!

Is it normal?

Yes this is how it is.

Yes. Thanks. Just said to my Partner, I'm going to stop jumping to the texts and calls so quickly. I'm going to say when I'm studying I won't be answering calls too.

only YOU can change things though and they are going to use every trick in the book to keep you right where you are. They will make it as hard as they can

Your partner sounds very supportive. With his help, what steps could you take to reclaim your life?

Well stop doing it then. Stop trying to please or appease them. Stop trying to do what they want. Stop trying to win your mother's approval. Stop trying to be the person they want you to be. Stop being their whipping-boy.

Nothing you do will ever satisfy them, so there is no point in trying.

So, with the support of your partner, just stop.

You can do this.

They will not like it, not one bit. They will get angry with you. Do not back down.

By the way, have a read of some of the Stately Homes threads on here, and see whether anything resonates with you.

This is a good start. And it will seem counter-intuitive at first. But what they are asking and doing is not reasonable and your partner is correct that it is controlling. Hopefully that every poster on here also agrees that it is not reasonable will help you see that you can assert some boundaries.
It’s great that you have a supportive partner, your job and study to focus on. I would also spend time with friends and make sure that you are seeing people other than your family in your spare time.

And it doesn’t matter what they say about you. You cannot change their behaviour towards you, no matter what you do, only assert some boundaries around it. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but the thing with control is that no amount of acquiesing makes it stop or the person listen to your needs.

I agree with all the replies. This is crazy behaviour on their part.

Normal contact is going to be different for different people. But to give you an idea of what I consider normal, I speak to my parents ( in their late 70s and 80s) 3 times a week on the phone. We text a bit - maybe a quick back and forth once a day/ every other day. Its ok if neither of us replies immediately, because we both understand that we have other things taking attention in our lives. We see each other once a month, live about 2 hours away. We're very close, love each other a lot. No drama, no upset.

You really do need to think about what your boundaries are and start to impose them. For example, you can turn your phone off or block their numbers during the day and give them half an hour of your time when it's convenient to you in the evening.

How close do you live to them? Can you move further away?

Decide how much contact you want. So if you are happy to message once a day keep your phone on silent all day and answer at the end end of the day, only respond to practical questions.
If you want 2 chats a week ring twice a week at a set time if she starts badgering you end the call.
Decide how often you want to visit and do that. Control the situation and ignore any backlash.
You don’t owe anyone anything. Grey rock is doing your thing and ignoring any reactions.
with regards to WhatsApp I’m not sure it would give your sister more information than texting does but it’s your decision

I live 5 mins away.

No plans to move in the short term but it is a possibility in a few years but I don't know how my Mum's health will be at that time anyway.

I can't believe I've let this happen.

I am glad your partner is supportive.

Please take action otherwise he might get fed up with you giving all your time to your mum and sister and you will be left with no partner, just two very unpleasant relatives.

You need physical as well as mental distance between your toxic mother and her golden child sibling. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your assigned role here is scapegoat for all their inherent ills. You've grown up with this dysfunctional dynamic so it to you is your norm.

You have not let this happen as such, you've been trained by your mother to accept this from her and her golden child sibling (a role also not without price) as your lot in life.

I would also think your mother will look to you rather than your sibling to become her carer. Therefore I would move away sooner rather than later. At the very least you now need to drop the rope they hold out to you and reduce all interactions with them down to a point of zero sum. It is not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking. Do read Toxic parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Re boundaries you may well find that your mother rails against them or tries to do so. People like she do not like boundaries at all.

Yes. I knew it must be bad for him to say it to me. I will be making changes but I also know it's going to difficult as I will be made to feel guilty. Even when we have a weekend away, it's a constant barrage.

I keep thinking why isn't my sibling treated the same as me? Just can't get my head around it as there is no way I would do this to any of my kids.

Ordering that book today!

It's the guilt trips that really hurt.

If you don't do it, no-one will.
If you won't help me, it won't happen.
I might not be here tomorrow.
You won't need to worry about me soon, I won't be here.
I've still not decided about making a will.
If you don't sort things out now, you'll only have a bigger job when I'm dead.

The best one was when we went on a week's holiday. (We actually did invite her but she said no).
On my return there was mouldy bread, bad fruit, she was upset as said had seen no other person for a week, and she said to me this is what happens to me when you leave me. She could have asked my sibling to visit or god forbid help, but chose not to.

If you are away or studying or busy switch your phone off. It’s definitely not normal for them to be doing this. You could block their numbers but then wouldn’t be alerted if something was wrong. I often put my phone on silent so I’m not disturbed. If the call is important I call back eg school, nursery otherwise I filter those I would call later and block scam calls.

It’s all designed to manipulate you into behaving and not questioning. She does not tell your sibling the same.

Do not fall for the guilt trips which are again exercises in manipulation. Do you think she feels guilty about how she treats you, no not a bit.

Weird

tell them you have full time job and evening hobbies so only available for calls 4 times a week for a quick chat and never answer phone outside that time

only support your mum as much as you wish and look into carers for her if needed

You need to change, they won’t. As others have said, be less available, don’t take calls, set boundaries and stick to them. So what if her fruit goes bad, this is not your problem. If I was you I’d go NC, if that’s too much for you at least at first, I’d go very LC. Step right back and drop the rope op.

Can you say to mum and sibling that because your life is so busy now, you will only be answering calls and texts between 3 and 5pm and you're not available at other times? If they try calling and texting outside this time, you just resend the message but that's all the answer they get. That way you've got a get out if they say they were 'just worried', and your mum can offload whatever she needs to say to you at that time.

I have gone down the carers route at the point of sorting out some benefits for her.

Point blank refusal.

Says not having strangers looking after her. Waste of her money etc etc

Then she makes do on her own. She doesn’t get to highjack your life instead

She is saying that also because in her head she’s assigned you to be her carer. Do not fall down that rabbit hole. Stop trying to help her ad it’s neither wanted nor spppreciated. You probably also remind her of your dad and is he still in your life?.. he’s likely to be a man she’s always hated too.

I did try similar at the start of 2024 but it got worse. I then got repeated calls from my Mum crying. Loads of reasons. Even a crying phonecall as my siblings was on a 2 week holiday and lost her purse. I could not reason with my Mum that her partner was there with her and he would have his wallet still.

I am going to make changes. Currently drawing up a list.

I don't have any contact with my siblings. It's better that way but she will wind my Mum up to say stuff to me. I just act interested but it does hurt me and play on my mind.

Do you want to be your mum's career? No? Then stop. You have the power to change the dynamic