Is this unusual behaviour?

[HappyDaysAreAhead]

My elderly Mum phones me 6-10 times a day as well as texts.

She is quite nosey and I know from experience that everything I say gets communicated back to my sibling who I have very little contact with.

I tend to limit what I say and just keep conversation light and uninteresting.

Historically she will try always try to catch me out on something I've said. Often, she tries to disprove something, all sorts, from trying to say I'm off work for the day and not told them to phoning me abroad to try and disprove I've actually gone abroad! No idea why.

Sibling is very self-absorbed and presents a 'pity me' attitude all of the time. Mum doesn't see this even when I raise it.

One time when I was holiday abroad she and my sibling drove to my house (haven't visited me for 10 years), knocked on door (obvs they knew I was abroad) then looked into the windows and letterbox for quite a while. Neighbour captured it on his CCTV and thought it was odd and he hadn't seen them before.

I have heard from others that my siblings thinks as I work and study part time that I should be doing a lot more for our Mum. I do 80% of stuff for her as she's elderly.Sibling does about 5%. My study is nearly up so this is possibly why it's getting worse.

My partner says this isn't normal behaviour for a Mum and sibling and thinks they are trying to control my time as phone often, emotionally pressure me to go round, expect me to be at their beck and call as I only work and study part time and the kids are at school all day so I must have loads of free time!

Is it normal?

After reading your update I'm going to amend my previous advice. Stop interacting with either of them. Change your phone number. Make plans to move away. Leave them to the mercies of each other. Get therapy if you can afford to. You need to grieve for a mother and a family that you didn't have and you will never have.

I'm so very sorry for your childhood. You were a child and they emotionaly abused you. You are an adult now and you have all the power that you didn't have then. You can have a better life than this. You owe them nothing

@HappyDaysAreAhead my mother who I have not spoken to in 18 years last week went into a home she's 90 this year. I spoke to the manager saying I wanted no contact nor did my brother's but we would bury her when she died.

The manager admitted she had caused so much drama already had insisted on meetings daily with the manager. She's got all her marbles but is so imperious apparently. I wished the manager the best of luck.

She has bullied and abused you for your entire life, and your sibling gleefully joins in. She is a despicable character and absolutely does not deserve your love or concern for her welfare. If she needs ongoing care and refuses point blank to have carers or anyone else in her home, well tough. She will have to lump it or get your sibling to step up for once.

She has no right to demand anything of you. In any case all this nonsense about her will is ridiculous. You could care for her for years, and she could leave everything to you sibling anyway. Tell her she can give your share to the dogs' home for all you care, you don't want it anyway.

OP, I know this will sound like an impossibility right now, but you need to completely cut contact with her. She is your abuser and shows every sign of continuing that abuse.

You have been indoctrinated into being a people pleaser. And where does it get you? Precisely nowhere.

You do not have to learn to tolerate it. There is no reason why you should have to.

I have no idea but I forsee I will be tasked with the admin and sorting out

Thanks. I will watch those.

No one can ‘task’ you with anything, either before or after death

You need to find your anger OP. This despicable pair deserve nothing less. How would you feel if one of your children had been treated like this? Would you tell them to suck it up and keep the peace? To keep being the good little girl at their beck and call? Or would you tell them to banish these revolting people from their life and start afresh surrounded by the people who care for them and treat them properly?

I agree with this advice wholeheartedly.

Stop letting them bully you and put your boundaries in place now.

I asked about your mum’s will because my mother used hers as a weapon to use against me if I ever did anything wrong. By wrong I mean going on the pill when I was 28 and in a long standing relation with the man I married, and not naming my youngest daughter after her…… Heinous offences obviously.

As a previous poster said, please don’t be me xx

Well that is easy to dodge. You just hand the whole thing to a solicitor to deal with, and wash your hands of it. You sign something called a Deed of Renunciation and that's it.

There is no will so no Executor. Who decides whether to get a Solicitor to do it or which next of kin?

I only ask as I can see a few potential situations that may arise such as Sister.

You don’t owe your mum anything just because she is your mother and you promised your dad that you would make sure she was okay. What you are describing is abusive and controlling.

Imagine if you could reach back through time and give your child self a hug and tell her that she has one life. And that she should be true to how she wants to live it. Because good grief, your child self needed to hear that and it’s never too late to realise that you are worth paying attention to.

Why on earth do you feel responsible for your toxic mum after the dreadful childhood you had? I would block her and your sister and leave them to it.