Is this unusual behaviour?

[HappyDaysAreAhead]

My elderly Mum phones me 6-10 times a day as well as texts.

She is quite nosey and I know from experience that everything I say gets communicated back to my sibling who I have very little contact with.

I tend to limit what I say and just keep conversation light and uninteresting.

Historically she will try always try to catch me out on something I've said. Often, she tries to disprove something, all sorts, from trying to say I'm off work for the day and not told them to phoning me abroad to try and disprove I've actually gone abroad! No idea why.

Sibling is very self-absorbed and presents a 'pity me' attitude all of the time. Mum doesn't see this even when I raise it.

One time when I was holiday abroad she and my sibling drove to my house (haven't visited me for 10 years), knocked on door (obvs they knew I was abroad) then looked into the windows and letterbox for quite a while. Neighbour captured it on his CCTV and thought it was odd and he hadn't seen them before.

I have heard from others that my siblings thinks as I work and study part time that I should be doing a lot more for our Mum. I do 80% of stuff for her as she's elderly.Sibling does about 5%. My study is nearly up so this is possibly why it's getting worse.

My partner says this isn't normal behaviour for a Mum and sibling and thinks they are trying to control my time as phone often, emotionally pressure me to go round, expect me to be at their beck and call as I only work and study part time and the kids are at school all day so I must have loads of free time!

Is it normal?

The reaction is ; I don’t like being reported up on, I’m hanging up now.

You are not responsible for your mothers wellbeing.
You don't have to answer when she calls. You choose when to answer.
You don't owe her.
She is not your boss.
Even if she was kind, loving and considerate of your feelings, the above still apply.
She is not kind loving and considerate, she is manipulative, rude and uncaring to you.
Your husband can see clearly what is happening and you should listen to him and accept his help on this.
Here's a mantra for you, OP,

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I can go weeks without speaking to my Mum. Sometimes i will whatsapp her with pictures of my cat or the work we are doing on the house but she doesn't always reply.

The worst thing about this is that you thought it was normal. Which means it’s been a lifelong experience
This is not an immobile,scared old woman leaning on you for more support than she should.
It’s systematic, deliberate lifelong abuse. Yes OP, it’s ABUSE. Let that sink in

@HappyDaysAreAhead

"I will be made to feel guilty"

Please, try to have a read of this, will help you untangle your feelings.

Agree with others, set your boundaries.

What would you prefer your relationship look like with Mum/sister?

Use that as your starting point to reset the relationship.

Christ, no. I mean it’s normal to you if it brings you joy.

I’m NC with my mum now, but we used to speak on the phone maybe once every 2-3 weeks and message maybe once or twice a week. Dh might message with MIL every few weeks, but literally only speaks to her on the phone when she calls to say some distant family member has died.

I have wondered this but from reading online I don't think so.

I believe she is lonely and needs stimulating conversation and activities.

But she won't leave the house without me.

She has a couple of friends who phone her every few weeks but she complains about them afterwards.

He is right.....you now have to set strict boundaries.....doesn't matter if it mum sister or any other family......turn off phones until you want to talk....🙄

I would just like some appreciation from my Mum and for the comments to stop. I promised my Dad I would look after her (as did my sibling but talk is obviously cheap).

Too much had happened with Sister and I. We haven't spoken for 10 years. I'm over her now. I don't want to be in contact with her. Life is better without her toxic comments. She also makes "promises". Such as "I promise you there will be problems with Mum's will" etc. what I can't understand is she has definitely got the upper hand and always has so why is she being like this?

I don't think I'm bitter but this may sound like I am, but may be the back story may be worth telling.

Growing up I was always the problem child. I got bullied at school quite badly. It really has effected me on every aspect. I had no confidence. No support for school work. No guidance. Parents never hugged, kissed or told me I was loved.

Both parents used to berate me in public. Then when I would cry they said why couldn't I be like my sister.

Sister arrived on the scene. 8 years ago difference. I absolutely adored her. I thought my life was happier now she was here and I thought I would have a friend for life and do all sorts if Sister stuff. It never happened.

Parents gave her the best of everything and often said she was prettier than me in front of us both. She would get anything she wanted.

I have always loved the sea and water and wanted to go to swimming. Parents never took me. She got 121 swimming lessons.

I was told not to have driving lessons as I wasn't the correct personality to drive being unconfident. She got early driving lessons and a car.

When I left home, she was over the moon. Parents slated my first house. Seemed jealous that perhaps I'd done stuff that they said I could not; drive, job, own house - but have always struggled with making friends as I tend to not trust and be closed until I am really sure of someone.

As adults, we were compared a lot. Sister became very confident and ridiculed my choices. I am thrifty and not wasteful so I don't have a brand new car like her (she had a new car each year) so my car used to be referred to as a Bangor car and my parents would not let me park on the drive when I visited as it caused them embarrassment.

You need to give up your attempt to avoid them ever thinking badly of you, or you will never have a life of your own. I promise you, the sky will not fall in if they criticise you, disapprove of your behaviour or choices, or slag you off. It will be uncomfortable at first but you must learn to tolerate being disliked - unless you want to spend the rest of your life trying to work out how to please them. Spoiler - you will never be able to do enough to satisfy everyone else. And that's absolutely fine.

@HappyDaysAreAhead

"I would just like some appreciation from my Mum and for the comments to stop"

Sadly, your Mum is toxic and unlikely to change, no point, really, in wishing she were different.

You can change how you react to her though.

It is important for your well-being to protect yourself first @HappyDaysAreAhead

Its not backfiring—they are ramping up the guilt trips to bring you back to heel. They are not only controlling and enmeshed with you—they want more and more control over you. The ramping up and guilt trips are their extinction burst behaviors. They aren’t bored and they urgently want more control over you. You need to increase your level if not caring.

Yes I do struggle and I am a people pleaser. I don't know if I can learn how to tolerate it. I don't know how.

Your mum will never show any appreciation of you. Stop yearning for a relationship that cannot happen because she has been toxic to you your whole life, as was your dad. Seek out therapy to help come to terms with this. My brother was the golden boy and mum criticised me constantly. Even my friends saw it. I ended up having to take out a guardianship for her after she was hospitalised. Golden boy didn't want anything to do with it. She's since died and I'm sad for the relationship we didn't have, after dad died but I haven't wept. I gave up on her years ago. I have a very superficial relationship with my brother which will cease completely once mum's estate is finalised. I have no respect for him at all.

OP, this a seriously abusive relationship. You are being abused by your mother and your sister. By the sound of it, your mother has been abusive to you for your entire life.

Quite frankly, by far your best option would be to walk away from them both completely because I cannot see any way that your relationship with your mother is ever going to be anything even approaching healthy.

The fact that you thought it was normal for a mother to pester you multiple times during a day and check up on your whereabouts all the time makes me worried that if you continue a relationship with your mother and sister, you are going to keep missing the signs that you're being abused. This isn't just a difficult elderly parent. This is coercive control.

@HappyDaysAreAhead do not tolerate it, at all, but you absolutely can learn how to deal with it.

There are a huge number of resources online to help you.

For your own sanity and happiness, take some time for yourself and work out your best strategy.

Not as severe as yours but I used to think my husband was awful in terms of how often he saw his parents, nope he just wasn’t horribly enmeshed and they didnt treat him as their emotional support or expect him to emotionally regulate him.

it’s all about choices, you can choose to stop answering , may not feel like that but you can. You will be trauma bonded to her and addicted to the drama but you can get over that. Children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson is a good read.

No one can make you feel anything, that’s not possible. However you will feel guilty and I keep saying this on threads and to myself guilt is a feeling not a fact and it won’t kill you.

No you need your self worth not to come from your mother it comes from inside you.

loads of reading g online, loads of podcasts , listen read and to use an awful therapy phrase “do the work” it’s all about you not about her, you need to get to a place where she’s so unimportant to you that you go from week to week without even thinking about her, let alone wanting her approval.

a lot of the replies you are getting here are from women who have done that who were people pleasers enmeshed parentified. It is not easy but it is possible x

Op I hope that you are finding this thread useful. You have your partner on side, you have this thread for support, now is the time for you to find the strength to put yourself before your toxic mother and sister.

OP your childhood sounds very abusive and you owe your mother nothing in terms of care or time after the way she treated you.

Whether you work 16 hours a week or 60, she isn't entitled to your time and her behaviour is shocking.

They already treat you like the black sheep of the family so I would be taking a huge step back so the golden child does more. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them if you're going to escape this cycle of manipulation.

@HappyDaysAreAheadI could have written much of your post myself. Eventually I went NC with my mother and sibling and didn’t even attend my mother’s funeral (could use the cover of Covid for that though!).

By way of an aside, but linked to what you’re describing, what will happen when your mum dies? Will your sibling be the sole beneficiary and inherit your mum’s entire estate?

Your Mother and sister are covert narcissists, you are the scapegoat. You are clearly aware that your sister is also the golden child.
Ask me how I know! Sadly it’s taken me many many years to work this out about myself but you need to turn off your empathy and build iron-clad boundaries.
My mother would say how lonely she is and then talk shit about everyone.
I was the only one she would want to see because I was the only one who would do anything and everything for her.
My siblings are revered by her as the golden ones and “far too busy” (unlike me of course - full time working with a child and house to run! 🙄)
It took a few catastrophic events for me to see the truth and now I can’t unsee it I’ve realised she is a nasty human being.
I have grieved the loss of her and set firm boundaries.
She tried crying, harassment, then rage like you wouldn’t believe, and now, finally, I’m in the “discarded” phase of narcissistic abuse because she’s realised I am of no use to her.
My own mother. Whilst I’ve dealt with my son in hospital and she’s been complaining I don’t give her enough attention. She’s the most selfish manipulative person I’ve ever known.
Again, it’s taken YEARS for me to finally get here. Please don’t be me, stop answering the phone, stop answering her questions, stop being available. It’s your sister’s turn to do it all now.
You literally have to turn off the empathy and try your hardest to turn cold towards her.
And NO ONE will understand, they will say you are evil for behaving like this towards your own mother - it’s only those of us who have lived through parental narcissistic abuse who will understand.
I urge you to search “covert narcissistic mother” on Reddit and YouTube, I’m not joking when I say those resources literally saved my life. Good luck 🩷

@HappyDaysAreAhead
How are things going today? Have you managed to dodge the incessant calls and demands?