Is this unusual behaviour?

[HappyDaysAreAhead]

My elderly Mum phones me 6-10 times a day as well as texts.

She is quite nosey and I know from experience that everything I say gets communicated back to my sibling who I have very little contact with.

I tend to limit what I say and just keep conversation light and uninteresting.

Historically she will try always try to catch me out on something I've said. Often, she tries to disprove something, all sorts, from trying to say I'm off work for the day and not told them to phoning me abroad to try and disprove I've actually gone abroad! No idea why.

Sibling is very self-absorbed and presents a 'pity me' attitude all of the time. Mum doesn't see this even when I raise it.

One time when I was holiday abroad she and my sibling drove to my house (haven't visited me for 10 years), knocked on door (obvs they knew I was abroad) then looked into the windows and letterbox for quite a while. Neighbour captured it on his CCTV and thought it was odd and he hadn't seen them before.

I have heard from others that my siblings thinks as I work and study part time that I should be doing a lot more for our Mum. I do 80% of stuff for her as she's elderly.Sibling does about 5%. My study is nearly up so this is possibly why it's getting worse.

My partner says this isn't normal behaviour for a Mum and sibling and thinks they are trying to control my time as phone often, emotionally pressure me to go round, expect me to be at their beck and call as I only work and study part time and the kids are at school all day so I must have loads of free time!

Is it normal?

'If you don't sort things out now, you'll only have a bigger job when I'm dead'.

Let me tell you something that is fact and 100% lawful. It might help you to resist your mother's grossly manipulative and highly selfish behaviour.

Nobody, but NOBODY, can force you to do anything when a relative dies, even if you're their next of kin, their spouse, their only living relative, or they've left you money in their will.

You are at liberty in law to decline or refuse any involvement whatsoever and only 3 months ago, I did exactly that so I speak from recent experience. I was not willing to clear up behind a hoarding close relative who left me all his goods and chattels in his will. Why would I want to spend months sorting out and clearing up behind someone who had not treated me well.

Look up Waiver of Inheritance. Good luck and thank heaven for your straight thinking, supportive partner.

Yes. I think I am lined up as carer and me studying and working part time is a hurdle they need to sort.

My Dad is dead. She did care for him at home while he battled.

Then you say 'no calls between 3-5 will be answered and you stick to it. 'I'm sorry to hear that' is a good response, what did your mum expect you to do about your sibling's lost purse anyway? Your mum will be fine, it's your own unnecessary guilt that you need to deal with.

Just ignore their messages. Your mum sounds an absolute cow. Your sister is egging her on. Why are you your mums slave and carer? How old is she? How absolutely pathetic to sit with mouldy bread and food around her while you were away. Is she not capable of throwing manky food out and buying fresh herself?

I’m furious on your behalf. This is so beyond normal. I speak to my mum once a fortnight if that. That’s normal. I don’t text or phone anyone multiple
times a day.

You know, thinking about this a bit further, I'd be inclined to write them a short but to the point letter stating that you are sick to death of the manipulation, the selfishness, the guilt trips, the intrusion into your time and the complete lack of praise or thanks and give them clear warning that if they step 1 inch outside your new boundaries, you will be going NO CONTACT whatever.

And do it!

This sounds so like how my Grandmother was to my DM, and me to a lesser extent as I got older . DM is an only child so similar to you with sibling doing nothing, all responsibility fell on her. I believe psychiatrists would have had a field day with Grandmother if they'd ever had the chance to assess her. Some very obvious personality disorder/manipulation/toxicity/gaslighting.
You're not going to be able to change her now, so it's a question of setting your boundaries and expectations. My DM couldn't step away despite years of torture still felt obligated. But it made her life hell at times. Could never really switch off, couldn't go away unless one of us was willing to step in and even then the manipulation and abuse she'd face wasn't worth it. When Grandmother passed my DM life got overwhelmingly easier, as awful as it is to say. So no, what you're experiencing isn't normal. But it's so difficult as there's no clear cut way to manage it. Not much help sorry, but solidarity.

She expected me to send her some money electronically (after no contact with her for 10 years!). Then of course because I didn't I became the bad sister/bad daughter again.

They are like a pair of cats playing with a mouse. We are all giving you permission to switch your phone off, block their calls, and leave the house if you fear there's a risk they will come and bang on your door. Decide when you want to communicate with your DM and stick to it. See how it feels after a month and if necessary contact her even less. It won't be easy but you will get them out of your head.

She is elderly and has mobility issues do doesn't go out but yes she can throw things in a bin for sure.

She sounds like a couple of my relatives. My advice is move away now, when you can.
I’m trapped and can’t escape now. The moment your eyes are opened to the toxicity you need to get away from them.
Your mum is unhinged, your entire life will be made a misery as she gets gradually older if you don’t get away now. People like your mum get worse as they get older.

I feel like this so it does help to know people understand. Obligation is the key word. I often wonder if when she passes away will I feel bad for not being the daughter she wants, feel ok that I did what she asked or feel bad for trying to break away.

Not quite as bad as you but I’ve had something similar with my family. I’m the underdog and second choice too.

Nobody knows what is going on in anyone else’s life. If you’re ’busy’ sitting on the sofa because you’ve been flat out working on your dissertation that’s absolutely fine and no one should be telling you it’s boring or lazy. You don’t need to explain yourself.

If they are unable to respect your boundaries then reply to text messages and phone calls once a day at a set time. Same with visiting and supporting your Mum. Decide what you are prepared to do and stick to it.

I’m a lovely combo of ASD dealing with CPTSD which would explain my difficulties but none of my family are interested in me enough to care so I’ve never told them. They just assume I’m a bit useless and difficult. As soon as I realised that, life became a lot easier.

Ironically if I'm seen out in my car by my sibling, she phones my Mum to ask her if I'd said I was going out! (I likely nipped to Tesco in this instance!)

There is nothing normal about this at all.

I don’t talk to anyone that much every day not even my husband.

You can’t change their behaviour but you can change yours.

Start setting boundaries and be clear and straight to the point about what is acceptable to you.

Choose a mantra for yourself.

Mine is, “I’m doing my best”.

They had also looked up my car reg online to see how many miles I'm doing between car MOTs! In their eyes I'm not allowed free time to go places unless it's connected to them.

Your sister is insane checking your mileage. I'd be telling her she needed therapy.

We don't speak to each other. My Mum dropped that into conversation to try and provoke a reaction I think.

Do your sister and mum have absolutely nothing else to think about than spying on you? How incredibly small their lives are.

How old is your Mum?

Do you think there is a bit of cognitive decline or dementia in there? Multiple phone calls during the day was how it started with my Mum.

Also, how much are you supporting your Mum versus what your Sister is doing?

The more you post,the worse it sounds! They are very controlling of your life. None of this is normal. If you don't pick up the phone, what's the worst that can happen? You need to practise not answering. Even block for a while. Your mum has an 'emergency' and can't contact you? Then she has to contact your sibling. Stop feeling guilty. Or accept you feel guilty and move on. Practise emotional detachment from your mum. Ignore your sibling - they sound crazy!

If you don't do it, no-one will.
you: wow mum that’s a big step, I thought you refused to admit yo yourself that sibling is a selfish jerk who won’t help you. Anyway you are the only one who can talk to them. I’ve got to go, bye.
If you won't help me, it won't happen.
You: i know mum, i wish you would tell sibling you know how selfish they are. I have to go, bye.
I might not be here tomorrow.
Thats true, none of us might be. I’m off now, bye.
You won't need to worry about me soon, I won't be here.
ok then mum, anyway I’m off, bye.
I've still not decided about making a will.
are you sure? I have always assumed just like love and support it will all go to sibling. Don’t worry about me anyway, I have a wonderful dh and kids and I’ve learnt to do without your love and approval. I’m off now bye.

If you don't sort things out now, you'll only have a bigger job when I'm dead.
well you don’t have to worry about it do you? Gotta go, bye.

but that’s only when your phone is on. Go away for a weekend, tell them you’re turning your phone off and block her. Mute her most of the time. Prob may as well as just block your sibling.

You sound totally enmeshed.
It is very very unhealthy.
You need to focus on your own family and your roles as a mother / wife / friend / whatever, rather than living 100 or 95% of your existence as an obedient daughter.
The softly softly approach obviously hasn’t worked so you can now hopefully equip yourself to make a bold and significant change in the way you deal with your mother and through her, your sister.

That's just evil. Haven't seen my mother for 18 years. My brother's longer than that. Blocked on the phone, so she started writing letters which husband, opened, read and binned for me. He was in my corner too. My SIL called the police when she wouldn't leave once.

Ask your husband to answer the phone and be firm with her. Rinse and repeat.