I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

Trust me- 6 months is NOT long enough to determine if this is the right person to tie yourself to with a child. Any amount of pressure at this point is a red flag for me.

His ex might have just said that to get rid of him as she didn't in the end want a kid with him as the behavior he is displaying with you is unhealthy. He is just using you as a commodity to produce a child if he is pressuring you this way. He sounds cold and heartless and when child comes you will be persona non grata.

@PoliteEagle what you do tomorrow is entirely up to you. Posters are pointing out the red flags and gaping holes in your future plans which could leave you in an immensely vulnerable position. The overwhelming message here is that you need to start thinking about your own wants and needs and stop trying to accommodate your incredibly pushy boyfriend.

OP, it's been six months. Anyone can keep up an act for six months. Anyone can be the perfect partner for six months, especially if there haven't been any truly stressful events during those six months. You don't really know this man. You know what he has TOLD you about the end of his marriage and about himself, but you don't know if he's telling you the truth.

Maybe he does want children. But he can be a father into his sixties and beyond, so what's his hurry? WHY does he want to tie you to him with a baby - could it possibly be before you find out what he's REALLY like?

Neither of you have anything to lose by waiting a year or eighteen months. Or even longer, if you want to.

You don't have to dump him. You just have to assert your boundaries and tell him No.

Tell him marriage before children is to protect you and is non-negotiable, and yes you do you really want to have kids someday, maybe as soon as the next few years, but you are not ready for that step yet and there are things you want to do with your life before you will be ready.

Tell him you really hope he will be there with you but if this is a dealbreaker for him you will be sad but you will understand.

How he deals with that will tell you if you can trust him.

If he continues to pressurise you, to tell you your concerns aren't valid (they are! ) or to guilt trip you that you are making his trauma worse run the hell away and don't look back.

Even if he does none of these things and you decide to stay, don't ever compromise on when you are ready to commit your body to pregnancy and the rest of your life to motherhood, because once you are pregnant he can change or walk away but you are a mother to his child forever.

Nope. If a 40 something woman is as pushing her 20 something g partner of a few months to get her pregnant asap before they get married to prove his worth - I’d tell him to run for the hills as fast as his legs can carry him.

Seems regardless of what anyone says though the OP doesn’t get it yet and that good sex and making her laugh is good enough to ignore the glaring red flags

OP, I would echo some of the advice given above. Older men sometimes pick younger women as they are easier to manipulate. Do you live together? I would advise living together for a couple of years before even thinking of marriage, let alone having a baby. The fact he is pressuring you and calling the shots rings alarm bells to me.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

To reiterate OP, this is a him problem. He is either still messed up by his marriage and needs to get his head straight and not subject you to "freakings out" when you state a perfectly reasonable fact. Or he is deliberately piling on the woe is me as emotional blackmail/manipulation to get you to do something you don't want to do.

Neither, ironically, are the behaviours of someone ready and suitable to become a good father.

Well tough shit for him then.

What you want is perfectly reasonable and normal. If it doesn't work for him he can jog on.

He doesn't get to guilt you into lowering your standards.

Or maybe he does, because it sounds like youre already considering it.

You just need to tell him to slow down, and if things progress, and you decide to have a child with him, you need to be married first. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. And don’t let him persuade you that it’s unreasonable to want marriage

It's the Hague Agreement, which is there to prevent children being kidnapped by a parent. Essentially you can't move a child to another country without the other parent's permission or a court order. People end up stuck in a country they no longer want to live in, because they can't move their children back to their home country.

You must have very low self esteem if you think this is the best man you can get.

He is not the person you will grow old with and spend the rest of your life with.

I wouldn’t even contemplate him being someone in my life for the six months that you have accumulated.

It’s a doomed relationship

Just explain if you have to that you are not a rent a womb and your timeline for kids is longer than his and marriage comes first

End of discussion

He can do with that information what he likes

And make sure your birth control is as close to 100% effective as you can

This. Look up Hague Mothers. Read their stories. You really need to look into the legal situation. Absolutely do not move to USA with him. If he doesn’t want the kids to leave, you will have to stay or abandon your kids.

That woman in the abusive marriage for 23 years I told you about. She said if in the first few years anyone had told her what he would be like, she’d have thought they were mad.

There are so many red flags with this guy you are seeing OP

Realistically, it's not likely you'll want to jet off to Dubai if you've had a baby in the last few years.

I mean, people do make big moves with young families but... How easy do you think it'll be to keep your job, still have the energy to travel and, move abroad with a new child (which would likely prove very lonely and socially isolating btw) and, somehow fit a marriage in there at some point, in the next few years? Something would have to give.

Would he be a stay at home dad?
What if the pregnancy went wrong and you were too ill to return to work? Could/Would you happily rely on this man to be your financial support from then on? Is he prepared to do that indefinitely?

What if the child had disabilities (Statistically more likely with a father over 40) could one of you quit your career to be the permanent carer?

Of course these are issues that are relevant to many people. But the fact is, having a kid is the hardest thing you'll ever do...why would you risk that with a man who won't even marry you?

Tbh I couldn't think of anything worse than having such amazing options and dreams like moving abroad and traveling the world only to sacrifice it all on this massive unnecessary gamble. Freedom is wasted on some people.

I think you need a basic biology lesson if you think that in your late 20s you do not have much time to have kids! You just sound really naive and that everything, including where you live/when you have kids/when you get married, is on your terms. I have been married for 2 years, known my DH for 6 years and still find things out about him ALL THE TIME (luckily nothing bad though). It takes years and years to truly know someone, and some times you never truly do. You are CRAZY if you stick with this guy.

If he's as good as you say you won't lose him because you want to wait a bit more than 6months to have a family.

If he's punishing you for the perceived mistakes of his Ex he isn't ready to be with someone new. Marriage first and more than 6months before having a baby sound reasonable when you do both want the same things. So tell him not to push, and if he's decent and recovered enough to be with you saying that shouldn't mean you lose him.

And if you did lose him over that.. well not everyone you lose is a loss

I don’t understand the need to be so cruel by assuming she has low self esteem- you don’t know anything about this woman beyond what she’s shared here so what’s the need?

I actually agree with the general sentiment behind your response but you’re aware there’s an actual person behind these posts, right? Jesus she’s come here for support not more insults.

No one can tell you to dump him they are trying to give you advice on how it might go wrong or he’s so desperate for a child he will push for it. Why not take a breath if you like him tell him but say you are not ready for a child right now tell him your deadlines see if he is willing to agree if not he might dump you. You both seem desperate in different ways your scared to lose him but like everyone else has said 6 months is no time at all there is no guarantee either of you will get what you want but you have to come to some sort of compromise.

Tell him the truth. That you're feeling pressured by him to have a kid when you're nowhere near ready. That you'd want marriage before you'd want a child, and given that you're only six months into a relationship with him, you have no idea if you'd even want to get married to him yet. That you're not willing to be bullied into something your not ready for, so if he wants this relationship to continue he needs to back right off until you're ready. And if he's not happy with any of that, he's welcome to end it.

And then I'd keep a close eye on his behaviour going forward, because there are a lot of very wise women on here telling you there's a good chance he's a wrong'un

many people are judgemental. I am surprised no one posted that I must be really ugly if I think this is the best man I can get.😌

Tbh I think people are just trying to convey the urgency of the situation to you op.

You asked, should you just break it off and stated you'd doubted very much we'd suggest that. Tbh...you're probably wrong there.

The thing is op...no reasonable, decent man would ever suggest you have kids with him, unmarried, within such a short timescale.

So having a talk where you maybe say 'im not ok with that' - and he might change his mind and agree to marriage first...doesn't actually change things. Firstly because he was pushy with an unreasonable and frankly, disrespectful request to begin with, secondly, because he's projecting his ex relationship issues onto you, and thirdly because if he did 'change his mind' how would you know he wasn't pretending to do just to string you along long enough to baby trap you or, wear you down at a later point to what he wanted?

Talking seems like the right thing to do...but realistically, all it's doing is leading you deeper into a world of shit.

You could, TBF, state plainly that it's a no to kids before marriage. To see how he takes it. It's possible he may kick off (you mention he's done for already, which fyi, is nuts) but you run the risk that he doesn't do that because he's smart enough to play the long game and pretend to change his mind.

Op mumsnet can be harsh and people love to toss out “ltb” (lose the bastard) but in this case I think you’re incredibly lucky that you posted here and are having your eyes opened. You’re seeing this man with a deep bias of scarcity— you say there are few options, and you’re seeing him with that lens. You also seem to have a lot of empathy for him, a very female thing, and are naturally centering his feelings. All of this is not criticism and I’ve been there myself as have many others but with time you come to see what a recipe for disaster this is.

Some posters here are going through breakups with multiple children and no marriage and are in terrible financial predicaments as a result. Others are stuck in foreign countries in miserable relationships and lonely and vulnerable. Others find age difference relationships to reveal, with time, a kind of imbalance that you can’t see right now. But all of these things can make for a very miserable life down the line, as so many mumsnet posts attest.

You don’t need to take action right now, imo. I think you need to open your eyes and realize that you’re seconding your needs. You need to strengthen your inner voice of what you want. Understand when you’re not being treated well. It’ll help you read him better. It’ll help you assert yourself with him. And if he’s a good guy he will never punish you for making your needs and voice clear. You’ll know.