Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

362 replies

PoliteEagle · 20/05/2025 22:38

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

OP posts:
DuckTales1234 · 21/05/2025 16:37

PoliteEagle · 20/05/2025 22:49

We have a lot of fun together. Lots in common, Can talk for ages. He is a really interesting person not dull or boring. Makes me laugh. And good in bed😇

Show quote history

It’s like you are describing my EX husband right there. He was all fun too and all that, but with time revealed himself very very controlling and guess? We’re divorcing… be aware 6m is not enough to know a person for real, let alone having kids… run!

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 16:38

DuckTales1234 · 21/05/2025 16:37

It’s like you are describing my EX husband right there. He was all fun too and all that, but with time revealed himself very very controlling and guess? We’re divorcing… be aware 6m is not enough to know a person for real, let alone having kids… run!

Show quote history

How long did it I take for him to reveal himself?

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 16:39

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2025 16:11

I think people are jumping the gun here saying he’s a red flag or to do a Claire’s law check on him!

If this were a woman writing that she had been burned in the past by a partner promising children and then walking away they would be replying saying the OP was within her right to feel anxious about her previous experience and wanting to have answers from her current partner about children and timelines was perfectly acceptable.

I have the same feeling as well. If it were 40yo woman posting, her guy would get bashed here.
the difference though that it is much more men abusers than women.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 16:44

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2025 16:11

I think people are jumping the gun here saying he’s a red flag or to do a Claire’s law check on him!

If this were a woman writing that she had been burned in the past by a partner promising children and then walking away they would be replying saying the OP was within her right to feel anxious about her previous experience and wanting to have answers from her current partner about children and timelines was perfectly acceptable.

Women don't tend to babytrap men with the agenda of being able to abuse them. Where as it's really common from abusive men.

Also, if a woman was saying to a man 'i want a baby with you soon' after just 6 months of knowing him, his pals would be telling him she was a bunny boiler nutcase and to run for the hills.

Do you think men fanny about making excuses for full on, boundary pushing behaviour? Do they buggary! They, rightly, prioritise themselves.

As anyone should do. Especially with some guy they've barely known 10 minutes.

WinterFoxes · 21/05/2025 16:47

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 01:10

Was he a good father?

Show quote history

OP, a man who uses a woman as an incubator cannot, by definition, be a good father. He is modelling disrespect, selfishness, misogynistic, controlling user behaviour. No amount of Disney-dadding (not that that is good parenting either) can make up for showing your children that you treat their mother with distain.

Good parenting includes being a good partner to the other parent. Showing love, affection, respect, consideration, kindness, care, attention. That's modelling good behaviour for the next generation.

Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 16:54

I mean best case scenario - you just aren't compatible.

You want marriage before kids. IF that.
(Be careful not to rush into marriage because you think 'oh he's making this compromise for me').

He wants things the other way around (assuming he'll even marry you after you get pregnant).

There are certain things that should never be negotiable. Your stance on marriage and kids is one of them. He'll resent being talked into a wedding and you'll resent children without one.

DuckTales1234 · 21/05/2025 16:58

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 16:38

How long did it I take for him to reveal himself?

Show quote history

Just took having kids!

BingoWingoForties · 21/05/2025 17:01

Haven’t read the whole thread but am
alarmed!
Have you talked about what would happen if you can’t conceive, have a miscarriage, or have a severely disabled child?
He doesn’t sound like he would be supportive. Does he love you? The love between you should come first.

DinaofCloud9 · 21/05/2025 17:06

Are you not American yourself OP?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/05/2025 17:08

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2025 16:11

I think people are jumping the gun here saying he’s a red flag or to do a Claire’s law check on him!

If this were a woman writing that she had been burned in the past by a partner promising children and then walking away they would be replying saying the OP was within her right to feel anxious about her previous experience and wanting to have answers from her current partner about children and timelines was perfectly acceptable.

Bollocks. If a man posted here that a woman was talking about having kids, and only on her terms, after 6 months - the majority would be telling him to run.

MoetUndChandon · 21/05/2025 17:08

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 16:39

I have the same feeling as well. If it were 40yo woman posting, her guy would get bashed here.
the difference though that it is much more men abusers than women.

Show quote history

No. The difference is that women struggle to conceive after 40, so in this scenario she really doesn't have time to piss about. Whereas a bloke of that age has a bit more time.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 21/05/2025 17:09

You seem so passive in all of this @PoliteEagle

HE wants kids quickly, HE wants to not get married until he has a kid. HE wants to move to the USA or Dubai in the next 3 - 5 years.

What about your wants, your needs? What do you want for the next few years of your life, that's what should be important to you.

You said "At the same time if I dump him after a year, I would feel myself really bad, as he would be even older and have to start everything from scratch."

You get that none of that is on you right? It's not your fault he spent too long with his ex, it's not your fault if he stays with you, despite not having your agreement to have a kid. He is capable of making his own decisions, he has agency, self determination over his own life. If his desires for life don't match yours, he has the power to end the relationship.

My gut tells me that this guy is trying to trap you. He knows the age difference means you're likely to be done with him sooner rather than later, so he needs to lock you in now. Have a kid so your reliant on him, don't marry so you have no entitlement to his money, move abroad so that you can't leave him and move back with your child. Even now, before you're in a serious relationship, he's trying to guilt you into thinking that it's your fault if he never has kids.

Do you really not see how fucked up that situation is?

Me and DP had a child 10 months into our relationship. Obviously not planned, we didn't find out she was pregnant until it was too late to change that fact. We got incredibly lucky. It turned out that we were the right people for each other. But we didn't know that 10 months in. We didn't know each other 10 months in, not properly. 18 years in, we probably still don't. Life is going to be so strange when DD goes off to university next year. We've never lived together without also being day to day parents. What will our relationship be like without a 3rd person in the mix?

It takes time to get to know a partner well enough to live together. Once you're living together, you then find out a whole wealth of new stuff, and you have to get to know them all over again, well enough to know whether you want to marry them, to have kids with them.

Your partner isn't giving you the time to get to know him. There will be a reason for that, and its not going to be one you'll like.

Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 17:12

His baggage is not yours to combat.

Anyone starting a relationship with 'this happened with my ex so I need to take that out on you by setting unfair expectations' needs time single... and in therapy.

Clairesp85 · 21/05/2025 17:16

Ridiculous you have alot of time to meet the right person and start a family, you are still young! I am 39 and got pregnant a month after coming off the pill, alot of women are older. I am just glad I didn't settle and waited to meet my husband before having children!

NCForThatForumM · 21/05/2025 17:22

he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture

Leave him and find a better one. Very odd that he feels that way.

blacksax · 21/05/2025 17:28

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 00:17

Yes, that concerns me as well. I want to have a proper family, But he also said we can get married before the birth.

But then if he brokes his promise, it is not like I am gonna terminate.

I really dont like this part. Sounds and feels like a making a deal. I am not sure whether it is due to him being traumatised that much or he doesnt have strong feeling toward me he claims to have. This is unsettling.

Show quote history

Sorry if this sounds cynical, but to me it seems as though he views you more as a vessel for producing his descendants than he does as a life partner.

So he says you can get married before the birth, does he? Once you have proved your worth as a broodmare...

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 17:29

DinaofCloud9 · 21/05/2025 17:06

Are you not American yourself OP?

No, European

OP posts:
OooPourUsACupLove · 21/05/2025 17:34

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 10:29

I am not sure re abuser pattern here. I came across guys displaying narcissictic and similar behaviors earlier. Around 3 months in I could see through them. I think it is hard to pretend longer than that? Maybe a year max till the mask fells off?
He is a bit pushy yes, but he works in sales, I guess you need to have pushy character to succeed there?
Thats the only issue we have, our values align on other things. So far hasn't noticed anything else what would cause my bell ringing.

Show quote history

As others have said, 3 months is nothing.

Just the fact you are here asking for help finding the words for you to say no to him is a red flag.

Why are you worried? Are you scared of his reaction? Do you worry he will minimise and undermine your concerns, make you feel selfish or callous or silly or disloyal?

It shouldn't be hard to be honest to the man you are considering spending the rest of your live with!

His ask of you is hugely one sided and unreasonable. It is entirely to meet his wants but you bear a much higher risk and cost. Even if everything works out it will still change your life forever and still takes away your years of pre child freedom, years which he has already had.

You say he's not abusive but you are already starting to tiptoe around him, geeling it's on you to be responsible for managing his reactions and not triggering his trauma. That suggests to me he has started, you just don't recognise it because it's a different shape to your previous experience.

Were they outright controlling/nasty/abusive? I fear this guy is "control by vulnerability" and "control by comparison".

It's different but it's still abuse and it will still destroy you, turn you into someone scared to say No, who second guesses herself all the time. Not necesarily because he'll hit you, maybe not even because he'll be openly angry, but because any time you disagree with him, or even just he has frustration or anger that needs a target, he'll find a way to make it your fault.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2025 17:34

He wants you to be an unmarried mother and perhaps move you to Dubai?! Just no. And as for moving abroad once you have a child, if you decide to follow him, you will have to commit to living in the country, whichever country he chooses to put down roots until your child is 18. That’s even if you end up separating or divorcing. And you will potentially be at his mercy for a visa of said country, which can be tricky when not married to him.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 17:38

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 21/05/2025 17:09

You seem so passive in all of this @PoliteEagle

HE wants kids quickly, HE wants to not get married until he has a kid. HE wants to move to the USA or Dubai in the next 3 - 5 years.

What about your wants, your needs? What do you want for the next few years of your life, that's what should be important to you.

You said "At the same time if I dump him after a year, I would feel myself really bad, as he would be even older and have to start everything from scratch."

You get that none of that is on you right? It's not your fault he spent too long with his ex, it's not your fault if he stays with you, despite not having your agreement to have a kid. He is capable of making his own decisions, he has agency, self determination over his own life. If his desires for life don't match yours, he has the power to end the relationship.

My gut tells me that this guy is trying to trap you. He knows the age difference means you're likely to be done with him sooner rather than later, so he needs to lock you in now. Have a kid so your reliant on him, don't marry so you have no entitlement to his money, move abroad so that you can't leave him and move back with your child. Even now, before you're in a serious relationship, he's trying to guilt you into thinking that it's your fault if he never has kids.

Do you really not see how fucked up that situation is?

Me and DP had a child 10 months into our relationship. Obviously not planned, we didn't find out she was pregnant until it was too late to change that fact. We got incredibly lucky. It turned out that we were the right people for each other. But we didn't know that 10 months in. We didn't know each other 10 months in, not properly. 18 years in, we probably still don't. Life is going to be so strange when DD goes off to university next year. We've never lived together without also being day to day parents. What will our relationship be like without a 3rd person in the mix?

It takes time to get to know a partner well enough to live together. Once you're living together, you then find out a whole wealth of new stuff, and you have to get to know them all over again, well enough to know whether you want to marry them, to have kids with them.

Your partner isn't giving you the time to get to know him. There will be a reason for that, and its not going to be one you'll like.

I want to travel around the world and also have a go at setting up my own business. I may not succeed but I want to try. At the same time I want to build a future with a guy. I want to get married and have family but maybe within 2-3 years of meeting right guy. I don't want date for years and then cohabitate for years. Ideal situation for me would, that we enjoyed life and get to know each other next 18 months, should all work then get married and start trying for a baby. But he says he will be like 45 when baby is born and he is unsettled about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 17:42

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2025 17:34

He wants you to be an unmarried mother and perhaps move you to Dubai?! Just no. And as for moving abroad once you have a child, if you decide to follow him, you will have to commit to living in the country, whichever country he chooses to put down roots until your child is 18. That’s even if you end up separating or divorcing. And you will potentially be at his mercy for a visa of said country, which can be tricky when not married to him.

No, Dubai is more middle term move (next 3-5 years). So move there are a proper family, married with kids. (not sure if you can move as unmarried partner to UAE even)
Why would I have to stay there if we decide to split? I'm British/European Citizen so surely I can go back to Britain, I am not UAE citizen, neither he is.
He is also not planning to stay there forever, it is more career move, 5years or so , 10 max. Then go back either Britain or USA. I am fine with America as well.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/05/2025 17:44

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 17:38

I want to travel around the world and also have a go at setting up my own business. I may not succeed but I want to try. At the same time I want to build a future with a guy. I want to get married and have family but maybe within 2-3 years of meeting right guy. I don't want date for years and then cohabitate for years. Ideal situation for me would, that we enjoyed life and get to know each other next 18 months, should all work then get married and start trying for a baby. But he says he will be like 45 when baby is born and he is unsettled about it.

Show quote history

Then it's obvious you're not right for him and he's not right for you. You're at completely different life stages. You may be s bit young and naive to realise it right now, but that sort of thing really matters in a relationship. It's not 'love conquers all' so the red flags/major differences don't matter.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/05/2025 17:45

Him being 45 min when a baby is born is his problem

You being up to your eyeballs with dirty nappies and feeding a baby in a years time will be your problem

and you can forget the travel !!!

and as for even thinking of moving to USA for him, well that's fine but you won't be leaving with your baby so I hope you love USA and get a work permit etc. as you will be there for 18 + years.

candycane222 · 21/05/2025 17:46

As I said upthread, if he is unsettled about it, it is kind of his problem? Maybe you aren't right for him? But that is for him to decide and act accordingly. As a woman in his position, posting in that sort of situation on here (ie getting on in years but partner not ready for kids), would be advised.

You can't turn yourself into someone else who is right for him, he shouldn't be asking you to, and you shouldn't try.

Not least because that someone else probably needs to be about 5 years older than you - so that really isn't in your gift!

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 17:49

So what you are all suggesting me doing tomorrow? Telling him I am dumping him? Do you all really think it is right thing to do? I doubt it very much

OP posts: