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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

362 replies

PoliteEagle · 20/05/2025 22:38

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

OP posts:
Nightmarketz · 21/05/2025 12:45

Continualloop · 21/05/2025 11:28

I recently went on a days training on spotting abusive relationships, including a talk by a woman who had spent 23 year years in one. Here are frequent patterns your relationship is hitting:

  • Age gap relationship where the man is older.
  • The man matching the woman's interests and views, so that the woman thinks they have so much in common and are so compatible
  • Speaks negatively about previous partners so that problems in previous relationships are his previous partner's fault.
  • He wants to progress things really quickly ( you have only known him six months and he already wants you to commit to kids and marriage and is taking you on a long haul trip to see his family)
  • Seeks to get the women pregnant early in the relationship

You say he is pushy but are seeking to ignore that as a red flag by attributing it to his job.

Abusers are about control and from your own account, his 'pushiness' is all about him taking control of how things go in the relationship.

Interesting post. I used to run across this a lot when I was dating. Not the older men as I don’t seem to attract them thankfully, but men who talk about their partners poorly and pretend to have the same interests as me.

BoredZelda · 21/05/2025 12:48

PoliteEagle · 20/05/2025 23:05

Late 20s, i know it is kind of age difference but i dont mind.

Well, you do mind, because he is at a different stage of life as you are.

MyOliveHelper · 21/05/2025 13:14

Continualloop · 21/05/2025 09:31

Lord. I never said anything which you are arguing against.

I did not mention incompatible spouses or any such like. I talked specifically about bad Husbands. That is those who behave in ways that actively makes them bad husbands because they make their wives miserable through manifestly unreasonable behaviour and don't care..

And don't try that ridiculous - 'if the sexes were reversed' crap on me. It should be blatantly obvious from my argument that my position would be the same. But this thread and my reply was, unremarkably, in this context.

Someone can be called a bad husband because he doesnt appease a wife who believes he always should. You are still wrong. Someone can be a bad husband and father. They can be a bad husband OR a bad father. One doesnt automatically mean the other. Just not aligned with real life. Sorry.

nopineapplepizza · 21/05/2025 13:26

The red flag is that he’s saying “I’m the prize” and demanding that you do X,Y & Z to “win him”.

In an ideal world, I’m presuming you’d want to date someone for a couple of years, move in together to see how living together works for a while, buy a property together, get married and then have kids, right?

He's suggesting:

  1. cutting short the “getting to know you stage”
  2. rushing the living together stage (possibly so his bad habits don’t grate on you whilst you’re still loved-up 🤔)
  3. getting engaged (means nothing legally)
  4. you get pregnant
  5. you going on mat leave/down-scaling your job, losing your financial independence
  6. If you take care of him and the baby “well enough” (he’ll determine how good a job you’re doing; he’ll probably want you shagging him within a couple of weeks of birth, no PND allowed, you should spring-back to your pre-birth weight and shape within months, do all the night wakings without complaint etc)
  7. Then he may, may, if you’re a REALLY good girl, marry you. Or alternatively dangle marriage like a carrot in front of you until you “behave” or you’re so financially dependent on him that you have no choice but to do his bidding

That, in essence, is the problem. You are being asked to compromise all your time lines and wishes to fit in with his, at the detriment of your body autonomy and financial freedom.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2025 13:26

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 00:36

age difference might become a problem. As of now he looks 5-7 years younger, but who knows whats gonna happen in 10 years

His age really is something to factor in as you're at different stages in your life. And if you’re not ready to anticipate something perhaps being a problem in 10 years time, you’re not ready to have a child with him because having a child ties you to someone forever and should only be entered into if you’re really sure about the other parent. Separation and divorce is really tough on kids. And right now, were you to have a child and get married to him then realise it was a mistake, it would have been on the cards the off because you’d have been rushed into it.

Can you have a conversation like this with him?

whostolethecookie · 21/05/2025 13:28

Fuck that

run.

why is it on his terms

MattCauthon · 21/05/2025 13:34

I'm a little confused. When exactly does he want this baby? I think it's okay for him to be saying that he doesn't want to coninue the relationship if you don't think you'll be wanting children in due course. But at 6 months in, in your 20s, it would be crazy to commit to a short time for having DC if you're not ready.

I also think that if mrriage first is important to you, then you should feel comfortable saying that. You have your deal breakers and he has his.

This may be a case of where the age gap is a problem. We have a family member in a similar situation - he's younger than his girlfriend. they both want a family in due course but her clock is ticking and his hasn't even been unpacked from the box. He's conceivably got 20 years to father a baby while realistically, she needs to get going in the next 5, ideally at the front end of that. I am not sure the relationship will survive, purely for this reason.

Continualloop · 21/05/2025 13:47

Noshadelamp · 21/05/2025 12:11

Around 3 months in I could see through them. I think it is hard to pretend longer than that? Maybe a year max till the mask fells off?
@PoliteEagle

I've read posts on mn where the relationship was fine for 3,5, 10 years even, until the woman got pregnant and everything changed.

It's a pattern particular to the situation (ie getting pregnant or having a child), not based on length of time.

Yes, the woman giving the talk said she thought her man was wonderful - she couldn't believe she had met such a great man who she had so much in common with. First two years, brilliant. It was when they had kids things started to change.

Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 13:50

I'm sorry but he's absolutely terrifying.

Someone demanding children and not even the decency to marry you first. He sounds like an abusive baby trapper.

And tbh I'd wonder if his ex not wanting kids story was remotely true.

Ick.

Fucking run.

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 13:58

nopineapplepizza · 21/05/2025 13:26

The red flag is that he’s saying “I’m the prize” and demanding that you do X,Y & Z to “win him”.

In an ideal world, I’m presuming you’d want to date someone for a couple of years, move in together to see how living together works for a while, buy a property together, get married and then have kids, right?

He's suggesting:

  1. cutting short the “getting to know you stage”
  2. rushing the living together stage (possibly so his bad habits don’t grate on you whilst you’re still loved-up 🤔)
  3. getting engaged (means nothing legally)
  4. you get pregnant
  5. you going on mat leave/down-scaling your job, losing your financial independence
  6. If you take care of him and the baby “well enough” (he’ll determine how good a job you’re doing; he’ll probably want you shagging him within a couple of weeks of birth, no PND allowed, you should spring-back to your pre-birth weight and shape within months, do all the night wakings without complaint etc)
  7. Then he may, may, if you’re a REALLY good girl, marry you. Or alternatively dangle marriage like a carrot in front of you until you “behave” or you’re so financially dependent on him that you have no choice but to do his bidding

That, in essence, is the problem. You are being asked to compromise all your time lines and wishes to fit in with his, at the detriment of your body autonomy and financial freedom.

No, I definitely dont want to date for several years and drag all of this for year. For me it is max 2 years from exclusivity to at least engagement but better wedding. I have no wish to date for years, then live together for years and so on. I want to be proposed after a year, get married after two max, and then in year go for a baby. Thats my ideal timeline. But i definitely want to cohabitate at least 6m before getting married.
I agree with the rest of your post though.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 13:59

Make sure your birth control is airtight and absolutely do a Claire's law on this guy if you intend to keep seeing him...

He stinks op. And we can smell it because it's a very distinctive scent of bullshittery may of us are well acquainted with.

You're in your 20s, plenty of time left to consider kids.

And you want marriage before kids. Why do the wants of a man you've known 6 months, trump your wants?

Some things you absolutely never compromise on op. Marriage before kids (if you EVER want to marry the person) is one of them.

Many abusers do not drop their mask for several years until they feel you are trapped.

You say you feel you would recognise an abuser, but you also say he's 'pushy'. Good men are never pushy. Especially not about huge life changing decisions.

Get that Claires law in.

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 14:04

Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 13:59

Make sure your birth control is airtight and absolutely do a Claire's law on this guy if you intend to keep seeing him...

He stinks op. And we can smell it because it's a very distinctive scent of bullshittery may of us are well acquainted with.

You're in your 20s, plenty of time left to consider kids.

And you want marriage before kids. Why do the wants of a man you've known 6 months, trump your wants?

Some things you absolutely never compromise on op. Marriage before kids (if you EVER want to marry the person) is one of them.

Many abusers do not drop their mask for several years until they feel you are trapped.

You say you feel you would recognise an abuser, but you also say he's 'pushy'. Good men are never pushy. Especially not about huge life changing decisions.

Get that Claires law in.

He is in a regulated role. His employer did all the checks on him including criminal checks and obliged by law to carry out the checks every year. There is no need for Claire's law here.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 21/05/2025 14:04

Sperm quality decreases (regardless of how old someone looks) as men age.

So what happens if you have a baby that might not be what he is looking for?

You aren't married, he walks away, you are left literally holding the baby, can't progress with your career or even keep it, no financial obligations?

Reality is you are late 20s he's 41, that is a huge decade in terms of fertility between you.

If I were you OP on this fact alone I would give some consideration on whether he is RIGHT FOR YOU.

Me & H met early 30s and to give you an idea we both gave ourselves until an outside age of 38 to get pregnant with any children we were going to have, due in part to the decline in genetic material from both males and females.

He is in too much of a rush, he wants a baby, he thinks and you are now some sort of box ticking exercise. And yes the age difference will be more apparent as you and baby grow.

Say you get pregnant in a year, he is 42, say he is 43 when baby is born, add about 5 years on, he is 48 at the beginning of the school gates, he will be 55 when, now teenager finishes secondary school, 57 when they start, if they start university. 61 perhaps when they finish uni, there is still potential help with house deposits, when is he planning on retiring, is he wealthy enough to be able to support all this providing his health maintains.

I know people do this at these ages and later, and yes it usually works out, but there are what 12 years between you two. Once you throw a baby, and these are just numbers for baby 1, what if you want your child to have a sibling, then add at least another couple of years onto these ages.

And he wants you to commit to all this without the security of marriage?

The baby bit is easy, it gets a lot harder before it gets easier, and it never gets less expensive.

Fuck that OP. You are at two different ends of a decade.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/05/2025 14:25

'For me it is max 2 years from exclusivity to at least engagement but better wedding. I have no wish to date for years, then live together for years and so on. I want to be proposed after a year, get married after two max, and then in year go for a baby.'

then that is what you tell him

if he chooses not to hear you

you just keep on saying it

and mean it !!!

Sodthesystem · 21/05/2025 14:31

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 14:04

He is in a regulated role. His employer did all the checks on him including criminal checks and obliged by law to carry out the checks every year. There is no need for Claire's law here.

We're assuming that the employer ran all the checks.

Put it this way, I was once in a role regarding vulnerabile people and they never ran the checks until 9 months after I gave them everything they needed to do it.

Never just assume.

Also I'm not sure but what about abuse that was never proven? (As much abuse, isn't) That perhaps wouldn't BE on a criminal record but...via claire's law if there was prior record of abuse they may be able to give you a heads up.

Take no chances.

Pickingdates · 21/05/2025 14:35

I think you need to be very wary of a man who is pushing his baby oven agenda while dangling the carrot of marriage 🤢🤮.

You cannot have great self esteem not to be completely turned off by his self serving whining narrative.

Tell him sort out his trauma.

41 and still traumatised?
Avoid.

Manipulative men do this.
They had a girlfriend who was after their money, so you try to prove you are not like that.

He is a selfish man trying to manipulate you.

He is at least 12-14 years older than you.
Too old.
An American?
Do you ever want to live there?
If not, think on.
Dump and move on.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/05/2025 15:07

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 14:04

He is in a regulated role. His employer did all the checks on him including criminal checks and obliged by law to carry out the checks every year. There is no need for Claire's law here.

Serious question - why did you post here? Because despite countless posters saying yes, you're right to be wary, WE SEE RED FLAGS and potentially abusive behaviour, you're dismissing everything.

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 15:30

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/05/2025 14:25

'For me it is max 2 years from exclusivity to at least engagement but better wedding. I have no wish to date for years, then live together for years and so on. I want to be proposed after a year, get married after two max, and then in year go for a baby.'

then that is what you tell him

if he chooses not to hear you

you just keep on saying it

and mean it !!!

Yes, I am planning to have a conversation with him. We are seeing each other tomorrow, so I want to bring it up. I posted here for help on how to better communicate all of this

OP posts:
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 15:36

Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/05/2025 15:07

Serious question - why did you post here? Because despite countless posters saying yes, you're right to be wary, WE SEE RED FLAGS and potentially abusive behaviour, you're dismissing everything.

I posted for help how to have productive conversation with him re my concerns. I am not ready to run away as people advise. I got some helpful posts on that.

OP posts:
PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 15:41

Pickingdates · 21/05/2025 14:35

I think you need to be very wary of a man who is pushing his baby oven agenda while dangling the carrot of marriage 🤢🤮.

You cannot have great self esteem not to be completely turned off by his self serving whining narrative.

Tell him sort out his trauma.

41 and still traumatised?
Avoid.

Manipulative men do this.
They had a girlfriend who was after their money, so you try to prove you are not like that.

He is a selfish man trying to manipulate you.

He is at least 12-14 years older than you.
Too old.
An American?
Do you ever want to live there?
If not, think on.
Dump and move on.

I am wary but I dont want to dismiss him straight away and give us a chance. Everyone has flaws. Whether I can live with his flaw is the question. Thats what I 'm trying to figure out. i am seeing him tomorrow and want to have conversation re all of this. Just need to come with ideas how to phrase it properly.
I dont mind living in the US, if need to, though not my dream to relocate there. I am quite happy here. Though he may potentially relocate to Middle East (Dubai) for work within next 3-5 years, which is also fine with me as long as it is not Saudi

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 21/05/2025 15:54

@PoliteEagleBe very VERY careful about having a baby outside of marriage ESPECIALLY when the father is a different nationality. This could make a potential divorce even messier. Sorry you’ve had so many negative responses, but sadly many posters are giving you the benefit of their own experiences. Bearing mind also that a person can say all sorts of anything, but the important thing is to watch what they actually DO. And always see how he reacts when you say no to something he wants. Something fairly major, not a trivial thing. It’s easy to be loving, fun and all that when you’re six months in and life is going well, it’s how he handles setbacks, refusals or difficulties that will show the real man.

DaisyChain505 · 21/05/2025 16:11

I think people are jumping the gun here saying he’s a red flag or to do a Claire’s law check on him!

If this were a woman writing that she had been burned in the past by a partner promising children and then walking away they would be replying saying the OP was within her right to feel anxious about her previous experience and wanting to have answers from her current partner about children and timelines was perfectly acceptable.

Resilience · 21/05/2025 16:28

Pushing for things like cohabitation or a baby really early on in a relationship can be a red flag for abuse. The trouble is that at just 6 months in, you don’t know if his good traits are real or just part of a grooming process.

Plenty of women get so broody they don’t stop to question whether their relationship has real longevity. It’s less common in men but does happen. So he may be genuine about his desire for a child rather than trying to trap you into abuse. And actually it’s a good idea to discuss your thoughts on children quite early on because of the risk of becoming emotionally invested and then realising you have incompatible views (there is no compromise on having children - you either do or
don’t). However, that conversation is about the hypothetical future, assuming your relationship goes from strength to strength. Most people are like you - they know they want to have children (or not), but timing and with whom are the variables.

He’s being unreasonable to expect you to agree to being a mum when he says he’s not up for committing to you in any way. It’ll be you taking the physical risks of pregnancy, birth and lactation. It’ll be you needing potentially a long maternity leave if there are complications. It’ll likely be you taking the hit to your earning potential post birth. At this stage, the risks are all on you and yet he doesn’t want to commit? Totally unreasonable.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/05/2025 16:30

newyearsresolurion · 20/05/2025 22:57

He just wants your uterus!!

This ^

PoliteEagle · 21/05/2025 16:37

Resilience · 21/05/2025 16:28

Pushing for things like cohabitation or a baby really early on in a relationship can be a red flag for abuse. The trouble is that at just 6 months in, you don’t know if his good traits are real or just part of a grooming process.

Plenty of women get so broody they don’t stop to question whether their relationship has real longevity. It’s less common in men but does happen. So he may be genuine about his desire for a child rather than trying to trap you into abuse. And actually it’s a good idea to discuss your thoughts on children quite early on because of the risk of becoming emotionally invested and then realising you have incompatible views (there is no compromise on having children - you either do or
don’t). However, that conversation is about the hypothetical future, assuming your relationship goes from strength to strength. Most people are like you - they know they want to have children (or not), but timing and with whom are the variables.

He’s being unreasonable to expect you to agree to being a mum when he says he’s not up for committing to you in any way. It’ll be you taking the physical risks of pregnancy, birth and lactation. It’ll be you needing potentially a long maternity leave if there are complications. It’ll likely be you taking the hit to your earning potential post birth. At this stage, the risks are all on you and yet he doesn’t want to commit? Totally unreasonable.

Thanks. I will definitely bring this up. Everyone seem to support that kids without marriage is no go. And I need at least some sort of security. In the end we can get divorced if kids won’t happen and it is a dealbreaker. The problem is asset split. But I think it is easier if a marriage is like less than 5 years? I think he has more assets than me but I also have property and investments so will bear financial risks as well.

OP posts: