Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Artificial diamond and not fully transparent

132 replies

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 05:30

i have been together with my boyfriend for 8 months. I am 50 and he is 63. We were both previously married and our spouses both passed away from cancer.
This week was my birthday. On my birthday he gave me a ring which I know he’d
biughy a few months previously. The ring is a dismond eternity ring (that was my preference), It turned out to be a lab diamond ring rather rhsn s real diamond ring.
I looked at his arm (on my birthday as it happened) and realised that he had cuts all along it - I’d never noticed them before and he said they were from self harming when he was younger. He’d always worn long sleeves or held his arm in a certain way so that I wouldn’t see them. This week we are on holiday and he is wearing T shirts.
i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm.
I am struggling with the fact that he didn’t tell me about this - there have been many occasions when I have been upset and he could have told me and also that he gave me an artificial diamond. He does not appear to be short of money.
He owns a house but is letting his daughter live in it and instead rents his own flat. He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Mightyhike · 17/05/2025 05:38

It's very cheeky of him to expect to move in with you without having a proper discussion about it! Do you think he'll expect you to do all the cooking and cleaning? Do you WANT him to move in?

The self harm cuts though... It's up to him when / what he tells you about this sort of thing. Just as it was your choice to open up to him.

And I think you're the cheeky one for expecting a real diamond ring after only 8 months together!

Perhaps you both need to slow down. Tell him firmly that him moving in is not yet on the cards. Carry on seeing each other and see what happens. It all seems a bit rushed at the moment.

Original poster
Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 17/05/2025 06:05

These 2 events coming together are giving you the jitters and probably touching on something you already sensed. Take a step back until you feel confident you have the full picture

ZenNudist · 17/05/2025 06:09

I wouldn't be told he's moving in. Tell him it's too soon to take that step and he needs to extend his lease.

The ring I don't get your point. Way too early for an engagement and that's not what the ring was right? Or are you also getting married without a proper conversation?

whynotmereally · 17/05/2025 06:14

Don’t let him move in if you are not ready. Tell him. Does he feel entitle because he bought you a ring? Do you want him to live with you? The self harm he showed you/explained when he felt ready. That’s fine.

if you don’t like the ring ask to return it and choose one together. It’s an expensive item if he’s a nice person he would want you to have something you are happy with.

IDontHateRainbows · 17/05/2025 06:14

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

You're acting like it's cubic zirconia, lab diamonds are real stones albeit not everyone likes the idea.

User2446433 · 17/05/2025 06:27

I have recently upgraded my engagement ring to a lab diamond ring. It was £2,500 for three large diamonds on a platinum band. Lab diamonds are real diamonds made in a different way. They are more ethical in the sense they cut out any violence or corruption that historically characterised the diamond routes. I am really happy with my ring it is beautiful. Just wanted to add this op. However don't let him move in if you don't want to and give the ring back if you don't want it.

Peakcentral · 17/05/2025 06:30

If you’d rather he bought you diamonds that have been dug out of the ground by children in war zones then I think that says more about you than him.

What was your response to him saying he was moving in with you?

JoyousEagle · 17/05/2025 06:30

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

Lab grown diamonds are real diamonds. You may not perceive them as being as good/special, but that’s not his fault. He hasn’t tried to pass off cubic zirconium as a diamond.

And I don’t know how you can really say you don’t expect someone to buy you a diamond ring after 8 months when you are complaining that the diamond ring you got isn’t good enough.

Dogaredabomb · 17/05/2025 06:32

I didn't realise lab diamonds were not cubic zirconia. As an aside blue zirconia is beautiful and I wondered if it's mined.

Re your relationship if you're being a detective within your relationship it's not for you.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/05/2025 06:32

Peakcentral · 17/05/2025 06:30

If you’d rather he bought you diamonds that have been dug out of the ground by children in war zones then I think that says more about you than him.

What was your response to him saying he was moving in with you?

Edited

🎯

ResidentPorker · 17/05/2025 06:35

If you’d rather he bought you diamonds that have been dug out of the ground by children in war zones then I think that says more about you than him.

Bang on

DustyLee123 · 17/05/2025 06:39

If he sees the relationship as a long term one, by buying you an eternity ring, I’d have expected to have been told about his past MH problems by now.
He seems to be rushing this relationship, you’ve been together 8 months and he bought the ring a few months previous, plus he’s assuming he can move in with you? I’d be pushing back at this, perhaps he wants you to care for him in his old age.

Alwaystired23 · 17/05/2025 06:40

I read you title as the diamond wasn't transparent. I think a lab grown diamond is better to be honest, from an ethical point. I would be happy with that. Do you like the ring? As far as the self harm goes, it's very hard for people to open up about theses things. Moving in together, tell him no if it's not what you want.

Seeyousoonboo · 17/05/2025 06:41

This is all a bit odd isn't it? Fake diamonds, self harming and him moving in without asking maybe he isn't the one for you OP?

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 17/05/2025 06:43

To be fair, most diamonds these days aren’t dug out of the ground by children in war zones so that response is somewhat dramatic.

However, lab grown diamonds are real diamonds they’re just created using a sped up version of the process in a laboratory. Only a gemologist would be able to tell you the difference between a lab grown and a real diamond.

Jewellers are usually snobby about them because the lab grown diamonds are cheaper than the mined diamonds.

My family worked for de Beers in Namibia for ten years and I would buy a lab grown diamond.

Re his moving in, if that’s not what you want yet then you need to tell him that.

But the self harm scars - if he wasn’t ready to tell you then you have no right to demand his transparency on that level.

wisteriadrive · 17/05/2025 06:43

Yeah sounds all abit of drama to be honest .
I thought lab diamonds were meant to be really good quality? Also, it’s not an engagement ring so you sound abit spoilt imo.

category12 · 17/05/2025 06:45

He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.

How romantic 🙄

Have you actually discussed moving in together properly, or is he just assuming he can move in?

The way you wrote it sounds so passive like you're not really involved in the decision. Which given he's saying he's moving into your place, is crazy.

JoyousEagle · 17/05/2025 06:45

Dogaredabomb · 17/05/2025 06:32

I didn't realise lab diamonds were not cubic zirconia. As an aside blue zirconia is beautiful and I wondered if it's mined.

Re your relationship if you're being a detective within your relationship it's not for you.

No, they are a different chemical structure. Lab grown diamonds (like diamonds) are made from just carbon. Cubic zirconia is made from zirconium oxide.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 17/05/2025 06:47

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

This sounds just so utterly awful. You "expect"? Fuck that.

ScottBakula · 17/05/2025 06:49

Your post is a bit confusing
You didn't expect a ring but he bought you one , it's expensive but not good enough for you .
Also you say you know he bought it months ago , so a £750 ring when you'd only been together for 5 or 6 months ?

In 8 months you have never seen his arms ? So it's not been a sexual relationship?

i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm
How can your difficult upbringing relate to his self harm ?

As for him moving in , no , I wouldn't stand for that .

RockingAmadeus · 17/05/2025 06:54

Have you actually been to the house he rents out to his daughter? My view (I am cynical), no house exists, So he buys you a ring, eternity/promise ring and then moves in with you. So he’s now living without having to pay rent, cook or clean (or have -you discussed how this arrangement will work)? I wouldn’t care if the ring was CZ, Lab grown diamond, mined diamond, or Unicorn teeth. You would not see me for dust. Run, run, run!

Peakcentral · 17/05/2025 06:54

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 17/05/2025 06:43

To be fair, most diamonds these days aren’t dug out of the ground by children in war zones so that response is somewhat dramatic.

However, lab grown diamonds are real diamonds they’re just created using a sped up version of the process in a laboratory. Only a gemologist would be able to tell you the difference between a lab grown and a real diamond.

Jewellers are usually snobby about them because the lab grown diamonds are cheaper than the mined diamonds.

My family worked for de Beers in Namibia for ten years and I would buy a lab grown diamond.

Re his moving in, if that’s not what you want yet then you need to tell him that.

But the self harm scars - if he wasn’t ready to tell you then you have no right to demand his transparency on that level.

There is no such thing as a conflict-free mined diamond. The Kimberley Process, which was meant to prevent the sale of “blood diamonds”, has an incredibly narrow definition of conflict and lack of enforcement. It doesn’t address human rights abuses, environmental destruction, or the use of forced and child labour in so-called “legitimate” mines. So no, pointing out those issues isn’t dramatic.

Overthebow · 17/05/2025 07:02

It’s a ring he gave to you at 8 months, it’s not an engagement ring, I don’t know why you’d expect anything. As for the self harming, it’s often a very difficult topic to talk about. I have scars and there’s no way I’d open up about it to someone I’d just met. It’s not the same as talking about a difficult upbringing.

ThatAquaRobin · 17/05/2025 07:07

The diamond is the least of your problems.
This man is way too old for you and looking for someone to shack up with and be his nurse.
Run. Fast.
Date someone your own age or younger.