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Original poster

Artificial diamond and not fully transparent

132 replies

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 05:30

i have been together with my boyfriend for 8 months. I am 50 and he is 63. We were both previously married and our spouses both passed away from cancer.
This week was my birthday. On my birthday he gave me a ring which I know he’d
biughy a few months previously. The ring is a dismond eternity ring (that was my preference), It turned out to be a lab diamond ring rather rhsn s real diamond ring.
I looked at his arm (on my birthday as it happened) and realised that he had cuts all along it - I’d never noticed them before and he said they were from self harming when he was younger. He’d always worn long sleeves or held his arm in a certain way so that I wouldn’t see them. This week we are on holiday and he is wearing T shirts.
i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm.
I am struggling with the fact that he didn’t tell me about this - there have been many occasions when I have been upset and he could have told me and also that he gave me an artificial diamond. He does not appear to be short of money.
He owns a house but is letting his daughter live in it and instead rents his own flat. He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.
Thoughts?

OP posts:

jubs15 · 17/05/2025 08:42

How did you know the ring cost £750? To me, that's an insane amount of money to spend on a piece of jewellery at any time, let alone for someone they've known for only 8 months. In your shoes I would consider myself extremely grateful to be given such an expensive gift. Your entitled attitude over that is shocking. Aside from that, 8 months is way too early to allow him to move in with you, especially when he has unhealthy ways of dealing with his mental health.

JustMyView13 · 17/05/2025 08:43

For the record, a lab grown diamond is a real diamond. What you mean is, you would prefer a mined diamond to a lab grown diamond. Which is ok. But to say they’re not real diamonds isn’t technically correct. They’re a great ethical alternative to traditionally mined diamonds, without compromising on the appearance.

That aside, your relationship is moving quite fast. You’re right to put the breaks on, but not because he got a lab grown diamond over a mined diamond.

kistanbul · 17/05/2025 08:44

I think you’ve picked up on things that don’t matter because you’re looking for a reason why this relationship feels wrong to you.

You don’t need a reason. If it doesn’t feel right to you slow down. Tell him it’s all too much and he’s not moving in. If he’s a good man he’ll respect that.

FiveShelties · 17/05/2025 08:46

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:15

I would not have been fine with the self harm - that is an awful reflection of a dreadful childhood and the thought of the suffering he endured to make him want to do that scars my soul.

What?

AgnesX · 17/05/2025 09:02

I'm not sure which of you sounds the more entitled - him for unilaterally assuming/deciding that he's moving in to your home or you for thinking that £750 of jewellery isn't good enough.

And after only 8 months, both of you need to give yourselves a shake.

Inbloom123 · 17/05/2025 09:03

As others have said, a lab-grown diamond is a real diamond. You sound a bit greedy, wanting more than he gave you.

The question is: do you actually want to be in this relationship? Diamonds and scars aside.

TwistedWonder · 17/05/2025 09:09

ThatAquaRobin · 17/05/2025 07:07

The diamond is the least of your problems.
This man is way too old for you and looking for someone to shack up with and be his nurse.
Run. Fast.
Date someone your own age or younger.

Absolutely. He’s approaching retirement and wants his nurse with a purse to put a roof over his head.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2025 09:14

You don’t sound ready to be dating tbh, never mind rings and moving in together. How hasn’t you see his arms before, have you seen him naked? It’s been 8 months and you say he’s seen you very upset many times.

It doesn’t sound healthy for either of you. It’s fine to change your mind and break up with him and focus on your own healing. I’d give the ring back.

Bunny44 · 17/05/2025 09:14

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

Lab diamonds are real diamonds. They are indistinguishable physically from mined ones, only they don't come with the blood and environmental damage mined ones cause.

You can get a bigger one for the same price because they don't have such an expensive process to create them but your partner doing the world a service by choosing lab created.

On a side note diamonds lab and mined have plumetted in value due to the fact they are no longer a finite resource but they're just as sparkly if they have the same cut, clarity and colour 💎.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/05/2025 09:20

I had to google as wasn’t sure the diff or why you are bothered

if anyone wants to know

https://www.caratlondon.com/pages/about-lab-grown-diamonds?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22330278470&gbraid=0AAAAADLPe8xDNyW0c8GqnBZAwWuk6TY5q&gclid=CjwKCAjw56DBBhAkEiwAaFsG-jiFXehh-1cSGLPP1GBTMecfCv24XiuqBO5udftgtjJJAHh6rr_vKhoCVZUQAvD_BwE

few issues here

your thread title is you are pissed off with the type of diamond

tho he has spent £750 on a ring /present after being with you for less then a year - so I don’t see the problem. With the ring that it’s not an underground diamond

he doesn’t have to tell you his life history of self harming esp if scars are old

if you don’t want to move in Together then live with you then tell him no

honestly you sound a little precious moaning about the type of diamonds. It’s not a cubic zirconia worth £25

Lab Grown Diamonds: All You Need to Know

How are lab made diamonds different from mined diamonds? Are they "real"? Why are they becoming so popular? Get all the facts in one place (with links to external sources).

Choux · 17/05/2025 09:20

**
As a side note - are you sure he owns the property his daughter lives in and he’s not just been embarrassed at renting at 63?

Yes does he actually own a property? Regardless of who owns his daughter’s house he wants out of a flat and into your house.

Him being 13 years older might not seem an issue now but men have a shorter life expectancy and you could well find yourself as his maid and carer in ten years or so. Not how I envisage spending my 60s. I would put a stop to moving in talk and see how things go over the next few months. I suspect he will start to show some aspects of himself you haven’t yet seen after 8 months.

AncientAndModern1 · 17/05/2025 09:22

I came here for a nice chat about diamond clarity! Don’t let him move in, OP. It’s far too soon. You don’t know him at all.

moose62 · 17/05/2025 09:23

Personally I would always want a lab diamond to a real one for ethical reasons so I think you are bring unreasonable to call them artificial. It sounds very snobbish.
His self harm scars are his past and trauma not yours. You don't get to judge, unless it still affects his behaviour.
The crux of the matter is that he is not right for you but you don't want to admit it. Stop looking for excuses and split up with him if you want to.

Aria2015 · 17/05/2025 09:25

Lab grown diamonds are exactly the same as naturally sourced diamonds. They are not diamond substitutes like cubic zirconia. Jewellers can't even tell the difference just by sight alone and need to do a specific test to tell the difference. For that reason I think YABU about the diamond. Why spend more on a naturally sourced diamond, especially when there are often ethical risks with them also?

I also think YABU about the self harm. Firstly it's up to him when he feels comfortable disclosing his own vulnerabilities and secondly, perhaps he didn't want to make things about him when you were discussing your own issues and instead wanted to give you space to talk about your own experiences?

He is being cheeky the ways he approaching moving in together. He's making assumptions without having a proper conversation. Don't let him pressure or rush you into living together, it's a huge step that adds a whole new level of commitment and responsibility to the relationship.

PeapodMcgee · 17/05/2025 09:26

Pouting about an ethical real diamond isn't a good look.

But I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Perhaps you aren't quite ready. No reason to feel pressured into anything. I'd keep my own space if I was you.

SirChenjins · 17/05/2025 09:27

Lab grown diamonds are real - and they are far more ethical than mined diamonds. If I were getting a ring now I would only accept one with lab diamonds.

The self harming is in the past - leave it there.

HardbackPaperback · 17/05/2025 09:34

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 17/05/2025 08:23

So many things about this sound like red flags from both sides

it’s a very expensive present after 8 months but you seem to think it isn’t good enough
the age gap - which might work okay in a relationship where one party is 30 and the other 53, is likely to be hugely problematic down the line and not all that far down the line
the moving in thing - both because so soon and because it sounds like his decision
the renting whilst his ‘daughter lives in his house’. I’d be doing a land registry search to check he owns said house and isn’t just moving in with you to finance his retirement

is this your first relationship after your husbands death? I am very sorry for your loss, it must have been so so hard to watch him die. Are sure you are ready for a moving in together relationship at all - it would be totally reasonable to wait years, not months

Good post,

BlossomMoon · 17/05/2025 09:45

Hmmm, OP just reading your posts...

"He doesn't seem short of money"

"He has a house that his daughter lives in"

"The ring cost £750"

"At 50 I would be at least expecting a proper stone"

So he's 63 and you're 50?

Sounds like you thought you'd found yourself a rich old man who was going to buy you diamonds, kick his daughter out and you'd be living in his house. You've been together 8 months and you've never seen this guy's arms? So you don't have a physical relationship then?

You sound like a gold-digger and I think he's got you sussed. He's turned the tables and is protecting his assets, he's moving into yours!

I'd end this relationship, you're both out to fleece each other by the sounds of it. He's certainly not investing in you. He's given you his contribution of £750. He's looking for free board and lodgings now. You've either got to speak up, or have him move in. You've not much time to broach the subject if it's the end of this month. I'd be having that conversation pretty quickly if I were you.

queenMab99 · 17/05/2025 09:49

As pp have said, your attitude to the ring shows more about you than him. However him moving in and the story of his house being occupied by his daughter, sounds dodgy. He is also older and I can think of nothing worse than ending up looking after an elderly partner, with whom I hadn't had a very long relationship previously. Take your time, don't let him move in yet, just enjoy his company and see what happens.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/05/2025 09:54

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:15

I would not have been fine with the self harm - that is an awful reflection of a dreadful childhood and the thought of the suffering he endured to make him want to do that scars my soul.

Maybe this is why he didn’t want to tell you, it’s extreme to say it ‘scars your soul’ to think of him self harming. I self harm and would find it uncomfortable for somebody to react like that, aside from anything else it’s making it all about you. But it also may be something he has put behind him and didn’t want to drag up. You don’t sound very supportive or understanding and o can see why he didn’t want to have a conversation about it and have the whole thing blown out of proportion and into a pity party for him.

ERthree · 17/05/2025 09:54

You wanted an eternity ring but don't want to live together ? So you are telling the world you are going to be together forever but on your terms and only if it is a real diamond. Crikey the poor guy must be so bloody confused. I think he should run for the hills.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 17/05/2025 10:04

I cared for dh with cancer on my own I didn’t turn into an ungrateful person though.

If your not ready to be in a relationship give the ring back and call it a day.

Lab diamonds aren’t fake anyway.

Dutchhouse14 · 17/05/2025 10:05

Tbh I would prefer a genuine diamond than a lab grown one, I'm a similar age to you so it maybe an age thing.

A history of self harming would not bother me providing it was in the past and he now has good mental health.

Him assuming he was moving in without discussion would really concern me so I would be saying look we haven't sat down and discussed this yet but I'm sorry but I'm just not ready for us to move in together so extend your lease for now and let's take things more slowly.
He will probably be upset but if you aren't ready hold your ground, he should not have just assumed without you both discussing and agreeing to it.
It sounds like you do have concerns and aren't ready for commitment so don't let him move in with you.

Fastingandhungry · 17/05/2025 10:07

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:15

I would not have been fine with the self harm - that is an awful reflection of a dreadful childhood and the thought of the suffering he endured to make him want to do that scars my soul.

Wow, why are you making his trauma all about you. Aren’t you just a peach.

SirChenjins · 17/05/2025 10:09

Tbh I would prefer a genuine diamond than a lab grown one, I'm a similar age to you so it maybe an age thing

No it’s not - I’m in my fifties and as I’ve aged I’ve learned so much about the unethical practices behind mined diamonds. That awareness now means I would avoid them like the plague.

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