Artificial diamond and not fully transparent

[Hopefulinbalham]

i have been together with my boyfriend for 8 months. I am 50 and he is 63. We were both previously married and our spouses both passed away from cancer.
This week was my birthday. On my birthday he gave me a ring which I know he’d
biughy a few months previously. The ring is a dismond eternity ring (that was my preference), It turned out to be a lab diamond ring rather rhsn s real diamond ring.
I looked at his arm (on my birthday as it happened) and realised that he had cuts all along it - I’d never noticed them before and he said they were from self harming when he was younger. He’d always worn long sleeves or held his arm in a certain way so that I wouldn’t see them. This week we are on holiday and he is wearing T shirts.
i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm.
I am struggling with the fact that he didn’t tell me about this - there have been many occasions when I have been upset and he could have told me and also that he gave me an artificial diamond. He does not appear to be short of money.
He owns a house but is letting his daughter live in it and instead rents his own flat. He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.
Thoughts?

Agree with this.

Lab diamonds are proper diamonds without the blood attached

Why are you focusing on a ring and not the fact that he's going to move in by stealth 8 months into a relationship? You know bugger all about each other.

Whatever about the diamond, and the scars.....telling you that he is moving in to your home is a MASSIVE red flag.

I would be very concerned that you are being groomed to be a nurse with a purse.

13 years between you?
Huge.

I think you need to decide if you want such a presumptuous disrespectful person in your home.

You must be very vulnerable to have not shut down and stepped back from such a pronouncement.

You don't know him from Adam.
I would tell him that no he is not moving in and he needs to renew his tenancy.

I would tell him in a year or two you might rent out your home and rent somewhere new with him.

See how that goes down.
I think he is predatory to be telling you he is moving in.

That is not normal behaviour and has abusive, controlling, manipulative person written all over it.

You have been warned.

I would be very wary of any man from a horrific childhood.

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship yet. Grief can do funny things to people.

Give the dude the ring back for a return, tell him things are moving too fast and there will be no moving in with you

Lab grown diamonds are real diamonds, but more ethically sourced. They aren't a cheap option or a 'fake' option. So I don't understand your objection to that. It was a generous gift.

And it's up to him when he tells you difficult stuff from his past. I was with my DH for much longer before I opened up to him. I did it when I was ready, and he respected that. Just because you felt ready to talk to him about your issues, that doesn't mean it was the right time for him.

However, there's other stuff in there that is concerning, and you clearly aren't 'feeling it', so I would suggest this isn't right for you.

The most important thing in your whole op is the last bit. You should be very clear to him that you do not want to live with someone, definitely not this early and probably not ever. Send it by text so that it's in writing. Don't soften it or make vague indications you may change that in future. Do it right now before he makes himself intentionally homeless by giving up his rental lease. How he responds to that will tell you a lot about him. If he love bombs to try to get into your home, then that was his plan all along. If he looses his temper, then he's annoyed that his cunning plan might fail. If he is reasonable and agrees to do whatever feels right to you, then either he wasn't planning to take advantage of you or he's very clever about taking advantage and delaying his plan.

The cynic in me says that an expensive ring is a really good investment if it buys him cheap/free rent and a housekeeper/cook/nurse.

Forget about the f**ing diamond. Ignore anyone who’s mentioned it.
There’s no way that you’re ready to move in together.
Just step back - deep breath / slow down. You really don’t know or understand each other nearly well enough. If it’s an issue for either of you to ease off and not commit at this stage then I’d say that’s just indicative of you not being right.

You need to stop obsessing about lab diamonds and have a proper discussion with him about what happens when his lease runs out and any other concerns you have. I can't imagine why you think the former is in any way more important than the latter. You are not Elizabeth Taylor.

The ring is neither here nor there. Expecting to move in after 8 months? NO! You need to make this clear to him before he loses his flat.

He thinks the cheap ring he has bought you will cover his “rent”.

The guy is a freeloader and he may not be telling you the truth about owning a property.

Why would he give his daughter his house and then rent a flat?

I’m actually fine with lab diamonds. Real diamonds are an absolute con and the only way to tell the difference between a lab diamond and a real diamond is with an expert looking for flaws (a real diamond will have some discolouration in it - a lab diamond won’t).

This guy expects to move into your house without even asking you or having any sort of conversation,

Lab grown diamonds are real diamonds. I’ve got some earrings. A jeweller said they can only tell under a loupe.

After 30 years of marriage my husband bought me a very slender diamond ring - stones far smaller than pinheads. I confess I was slightly disappointed, and it showed. When I turned 60 (39 years into our relationship) he organised an upgrade to a piece of jewellery he gave me at 50 - again a very small diamond. Irrationally I feel hurt that no one has ever bought me a fuck off diamond ring - but if I’m being rational, he’s retired and I’m earning more than enough to buy myself that ring - and one day I might get around to it. We should not value ourselves by the baubles others choose for us.

Why are you concentrating on the ring?

That is not the real issue here. It is his 'ground zero approaching' announcement you need to be concerned with, and his lack of transparency on that topic.

Had either of you even broached the subject before he said he's going to give his landlord notice because he's moving in with you?

Do you actually want him to move in with you? Has he even asked you if he can?

Let's break it down as they are all separate issues..
Lab diamond - absolutely a real diamond so not sure why you are complaining, would you prefer a blood diamond?
Self harm scars - weird that you haven't seen his arms in 6 months but that's his story to tell if he wants. I have some on my arm from a small period in my youth, more out of frustration then anything else. My DH has seem them but we've never directly discussed it, we don't need to.
Either way you should break up, it's clear you're not compatible

Just wanted to repeat and highlight this post OP. You’re being very unreasonable about the ring. It’s a real stone, ethically formed.

No don't let him move in with you. All in all he doesn't sound like a great catch.

There’s shame attached to self harm so that’s maybe an explanation. As to the diamond. Does it really matter? The older I get the less important things like this are.

You would rather have diamonds dug by child slaves in the DRC? Disgusting.

He's decided after a mere 8 months that you are his nurse with a purse and he's moving in? Are you nuts?

This guy is looking for a bangmaid with a place and he's being overbearing about his parking himself in your home. Is that what you want for your future?

This sounds like future nightmare fodder.
How long ago were you widowed? I found after my husband died there were men who thought that a widow came with a nice financial package and home that they could soon call their own. This guy sounds like one of those.

That's a huge generalisation @ThatAquaRobin .
I once dated a man with that age gap and it was fine, although didn't last for various reasons.
He married a woman even slightly younger than me and they are still together, happy, 30 years later.

I think, kindly, you are mixing up an awful lot of emotions.

If you're not ready to date again (ie 'being scarred' by your grief) that's one thing. And if you're not you need to step back and stay single or have less intense 'dates'.

Being picky over the type of diamond you've been given is not related to that as far as I can see.

I don't see the significance of the ring to be honest. If it's meant to be a sign you're a couple it's not being discussed , is it?

Neither is his moving in with you.

Time for some honest talking.

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off.

Bollocks can you! 😆

I do wonder how lab diamonds keep their value,aren't diamonds and other jewels expensive because there was originally a limited supply of them?
A bit like money if you suddenly print loads of bank notes ( hello QE!) the value goes down?

The ring is to make OP feel indebted to him so he can be a cock lodger. Not bad value that, £750 for unlimited rent.

I have to agree.
I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship and maybe need a bit more time.
Sorry for your loss