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Original poster

Artificial diamond and not fully transparent

132 replies

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 05:30

i have been together with my boyfriend for 8 months. I am 50 and he is 63. We were both previously married and our spouses both passed away from cancer.
This week was my birthday. On my birthday he gave me a ring which I know he’d
biughy a few months previously. The ring is a dismond eternity ring (that was my preference), It turned out to be a lab diamond ring rather rhsn s real diamond ring.
I looked at his arm (on my birthday as it happened) and realised that he had cuts all along it - I’d never noticed them before and he said they were from self harming when he was younger. He’d always worn long sleeves or held his arm in a certain way so that I wouldn’t see them. This week we are on holiday and he is wearing T shirts.
i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm.
I am struggling with the fact that he didn’t tell me about this - there have been many occasions when I have been upset and he could have told me and also that he gave me an artificial diamond. He does not appear to be short of money.
He owns a house but is letting his daughter live in it and instead rents his own flat. He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/05/2025 08:07

There is a lot of stigma around self harm and it may have been difficult for him to bring up. You say there are times you’ve been upset and he could have brought it up then but do you really think it would be appropriate when you were upset to turn the conversation around to his own past rather than comfort and support you? Most people want to be listened to when they’re going through a tough time, not have someone start talking about their own hard times as if it’s a competition. If he’s in his 60s his difficult childhood and self harming may be something he feels he’s left well behind and doesn’t need to drag up.

To be honest you sound very hard work and unreasonably needy, who expects a diamond eternity ring after 8 months and then complains because the given diamond ring isn’t good enough? That said it sounds like both of you are moving things way too fast, an eternity ring is not usually something you’d give 8 months into a relationship and it seems very soon for him to be dropping hints about moving in together. Maybe neither of you are actually ready to be dating again if you’re recently bereaved.

BellissimoGecko · 17/05/2025 08:11

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

Lab diamonds are ethically better. I wouldn’t be fussed about that.

But an eternity ring at 8 months - why??

And what on earth is ‘ground zero is approaching’?? Don’t be forced into letting him move in. It’s far too early. Slow down a bit.

ThatAquaRobin · 17/05/2025 08:12

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment

THIS

Original poster
Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:15

I would not have been fine with the self harm - that is an awful reflection of a dreadful childhood and the thought of the suffering he endured to make him want to do that scars my soul.

OP posts:
carrotycrumble · 17/05/2025 08:15

Sorry OP but it sounds like you’re the red flag here, not him. Focussing on the quality of the diamonds he’s just given you? Really?

Daisy12Maisie · 17/05/2025 08:17

My son has said he absolutely can’t ever buy anyone a diamond that isn’t lab grown for ethical reasons. I would never wear one either for the same reasons. A lot of people are very anti it. This could be the reason but weird that he didn’t tell you that.
Just say no you can’t move in after 8 months. Him moving in should be a joint decision not just because he doesn’t want to rent any more.
There is no benefit to you having someone of that age move in with you. Don’t do it.

Original poster
Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:18

I didnt expect an eternity ring after 8 months. I received an engagement ring from my husband and I thought it would be good to have something different. I am probably a little scarred from having watched my husband take his last breaths in front of me after supporting him through his cancer treatment.

OP posts:
AlorsTimeForWine · 17/05/2025 08:19

DrBloom · 17/05/2025 07:54

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off. I wouldn’t want one, instead preferring a second hand ring to a faux diamond.

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment.

Bullshit 😅

Geologists can only spot bigger ones but using various checks and provenance (which can do faked as millions are "washed" through India and Belgium.

if shown 2 small diamonds one lab one mined they can't actually tell them apart with much better than chances odds.

Watch "nothing lasts forever"

Lab diamonds will hold their value proportionally much better than mined diamonds in 50 yrs.

But this isn't about the ring!!! (Probably) Its about the stealth co habiting

JoyousEagle · 17/05/2025 08:21

I can spot one a mile off.

No, you really can’t.

What you can maybe spot is a person with a larger diamond that you think they could afford if not lab grown. But that relies on you making judgements about their finances which may be incorrect.

SENNeeds2 · 17/05/2025 08:23

User2446433 · 17/05/2025 06:27

I have recently upgraded my engagement ring to a lab diamond ring. It was £2,500 for three large diamonds on a platinum band. Lab diamonds are real diamonds made in a different way. They are more ethical in the sense they cut out any violence or corruption that historically characterised the diamond routes. I am really happy with my ring it is beautiful. Just wanted to add this op. However don't let him move in if you don't want to and give the ring back if you don't want it.

This - you can spend thousands on lab diamonds people choose them for different reasons.

Cabbagefamily · 17/05/2025 08:23

A lab-grown diamond IS a real diamond! And they’re better quality diamonds than an earth one dug out of the ground by impoverished and desperate children.

The scars- he probably doesn’t want to talk about them.

Him moving in with you without telling you - that needs a discussion.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 17/05/2025 08:23

So many things about this sound like red flags from both sides

  • it’s a very expensive present after 8 months but you seem to think it isn’t good enough
  • the age gap - which might work okay in a relationship where one party is 30 and the other 53, is likely to be hugely problematic down the line and not all that far down the line
  • the moving in thing - both because so soon and because it sounds like his decision
  • the renting whilst his ‘daughter lives in his house’. I’d be doing a land registry search to check he owns said house and isn’t just moving in with you to finance his retirement

is this your first relationship after your husbands death? I am very sorry for your loss, it must have been so so hard to watch him die. Are sure you are ready for a moving in together relationship at all - it would be totally reasonable to wait years, not months

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/05/2025 08:24

@Hopefulinbalham I’m not sure if you are more fixated on the ring you want or the relationship tbh? I’m sorry for your loss. It maybe this mindset is indicative of not really being ready to move on yet?

Moier · 17/05/2025 08:24

Lab diamonds are real diamonds.

Yes, lab grown diamonds are 100% real diamonds, with the same properties that natural diamonds have. Lab diamonds have no physical differences from natural diamonds, and it is impossible to tell them apart without specialist laboratory equipment.

Finallydoingit24 · 17/05/2025 08:25

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:15

I would not have been fine with the self harm - that is an awful reflection of a dreadful childhood and the thought of the suffering he endured to make him want to do that scars my soul.

It’s not about you. It’s his pain. You don’t have a right to know all about it. He’s told you about it anyway but the idea that he should immediately bare his soul and tell you his most painful memories as a sign that he’s committed to you, as if you have a right to it, is fucked up. Some people go through abuse and never tell anyone about it, including their spouse. You’ve been together 8 months. There’s absolutely fucking enormous stigma against self harm and mental illness.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/05/2025 08:27

His pain leading to self harm is HIS issue, and it’s up to him to share as he sees fit. Don’t make that about you- “scars your soul”? Seriously?

Chloe793 · 17/05/2025 08:27

I don't think this sounds like a good relationship at all, do you have anything good to say about him? Why is he trying to move himself in so quickly? I think you both need to concentrate on yourselves, both your communication skills sound very poor.

TasWair · 17/05/2025 08:28

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 08:18

I didnt expect an eternity ring after 8 months. I received an engagement ring from my husband and I thought it would be good to have something different. I am probably a little scarred from having watched my husband take his last breaths in front of me after supporting him through his cancer treatment.

Bless you OP. You've had a really hard time and, as this post shows, you bear the battle scars. I think that if your previous relationship has a detrimental effect on your present one, it's probably time to step back and give yourself whatever you need- time, therapy- to process your pain. It's probably not a good idea to be in a serious relationship.

BTW, I would baulk at getting a "real" diamond- it's so difficult to know the exact story of its extraction from the earth, and how many people have suffered on its journey to my finger!

Chocchips123 · 17/05/2025 08:30

User2446433 · 17/05/2025 06:27

I have recently upgraded my engagement ring to a lab diamond ring. It was £2,500 for three large diamonds on a platinum band. Lab diamonds are real diamonds made in a different way. They are more ethical in the sense they cut out any violence or corruption that historically characterised the diamond routes. I am really happy with my ring it is beautiful. Just wanted to add this op. However don't let him move in if you don't want to and give the ring back if you don't want it.

This is why I don't wear diamonds. Ethical side. I have fake stones that sparkle just as well and who would know they not "real" but I'm not materialistic that way. Men and women are very different so you will need to start properly spelling things out to him... like... you can't move in yet as I'm not ready, but someday. Yes.

Communitywebbing · 17/05/2025 08:32

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

You have other reasonable concerns OP but this is not . You prefer real stones over lab stones but he doesn’t; he thinks the point is to have a sparkly eternity ring. As you say, the price was generous.
Deciding to move in without asking is much more serious.

SleepyRooster · 17/05/2025 08:34

google lab grown diamonds - they’re real! As pp have said here.

AnnaMagnani · 17/05/2025 08:35

Scars my soul???

WTF are you on about. It's not about you.

Changeissmall · 17/05/2025 08:37

He’s too old for you. Anyway don’t do anything until you’ve been together at least two years. That’s roughly how long it takes for novelty and excitement to wear off.
Massively weird about the ring. It’s a generous gift. If it doesn’t meet your standards give it back. ‘Real’ 🙄

Flannelfeet · 17/05/2025 08:41

This to me sounds like its all about the "fake" diamonds. Its a diamond albeit lab grown, you have been together 8 months, be thankful he bought you a beautiful diamond ring and sound less greedy.

MadamePeriwinkle · 17/05/2025 08:42

You both sound totally unrealistic and a bit bonkers tbh.

8 months into a relationship and you're expecting diamond rings and he's expecting to move in with you?!

FWIW I'm the same age as you and was married to a man 6 years older and wouldn't entertain a thirteen year age gap at this time in my life.

It sounds like he's wanting to get his feet under your table so he can retire and have you working and running round after him.

Sod that.