Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Artificial diamond and not fully transparent

132 replies

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 05:30

i have been together with my boyfriend for 8 months. I am 50 and he is 63. We were both previously married and our spouses both passed away from cancer.
This week was my birthday. On my birthday he gave me a ring which I know he’d
biughy a few months previously. The ring is a dismond eternity ring (that was my preference), It turned out to be a lab diamond ring rather rhsn s real diamond ring.
I looked at his arm (on my birthday as it happened) and realised that he had cuts all along it - I’d never noticed them before and he said they were from self harming when he was younger. He’d always worn long sleeves or held his arm in a certain way so that I wouldn’t see them. This week we are on holiday and he is wearing T shirts.
i have been very vulnerable with him about my past - I had a difficult upbringing, which is the reason he attributes the self harm.
I am struggling with the fact that he didn’t tell me about this - there have been many occasions when I have been upset and he could have told me and also that he gave me an artificial diamond. He does not appear to be short of money.
He owns a house but is letting his daughter live in it and instead rents his own flat. He has suggested that he has indicated to the letting agent that he will not extend the lease on his flat as he will be moving in with me. He kept saying ‘ground zero is approaching’.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 17/05/2025 07:07

8 months is far too early to move in, especially as I don’t think the relationship will last. You’re being bratty about the ring, if you want a specific ring with a specific stone then buy it yourself. His self harm is his business to talk about when he feels ready, not when you want him to bring it up.

MoistVonL · 17/05/2025 07:09

You are being a brat about the diamond. A lab diamond is a real diamond. Just as beautiful, far more ethical.

But no, no and thrice no to the moving in. Far too much too fast. Absolutely no way.

Cynic17 · 17/05/2025 07:17

The ring is broadly irrelevant, but it seems way too soon to be expecting any kind of jewellery as a gift. Something more modest and of low value can still be nice, and more appropriate.
The self-harm scars are his story to tell - again it is very early.
The biggest issue is that you are planning to move in together imminently - no! What is the point? Plenty of mature couples keep their separate homes - it's the one thing we all need to hold on to.
Stop hurtling towards a potential mistake and slow everything right down.

Missey85 · 17/05/2025 07:23

So you'd have been fine with the self harming as long as he got you a real diamond? ☹️ As to it being a lab one? Id rather that than all the people that die to get your sparkly diamonds! Have you never seen blood diamond?

AlorsTimeForWine · 17/05/2025 07:24

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

I'll be honest I'm with him on this one.
an £850 after 8m is a generous gift however you want to dress it up

Lab diamond is as real as mined diamonds.
They cannot be differentiated and huge amounts are being washed and sold as mined diamonds and sold at the higher price.
If you are so precious return it and upgrade it for the same thing at a higher cost yourself
The arse is falling out of the diamond market for good reason.

Self-harming from 45 years ago is hardly going to be top of mind for most people. He's 60 how are you going to have his whole life story in 8m?

You are focused on all the wrong things here.
The stealth move in should be your focus you need to use your words and have a proper conversation

NaiceBalonz · 17/05/2025 07:28

MoistVonL · 17/05/2025 07:09

You are being a brat about the diamond. A lab diamond is a real diamond. Just as beautiful, far more ethical.

But no, no and thrice no to the moving in. Far too much too fast. Absolutely no way.

Agreed.

You're being a brat, and quite callous about his past self harm.

I hope he comes to his senses before he moves in with you!

ButteredRadishes · 17/05/2025 07:29

These diamond slippers are too tight.

You're obviously having a wobble about him and focusing in the diamond bit the real issue.

You feel like he's not being truthful. He pressuring you to move in. He's kinda love bombing you.

Tell him he can't move in. And consider ending it.

HomeTheatreSystem · 17/05/2025 07:31

It's a sweetener to get you to let him move in with you. You can thank him for the ethical ring but tell him 8 months is way too soon for him to move on with you, and he needs to sort his own living arrangements. If he dumps you then you'll know what it was all about in the first place.

blubbyblub · 17/05/2025 07:32

Lab diamonds are real diamonds. They are just created in a lab under the same heat abs pressure events as in the ground. But they are structurally and materially the same thing.

fake diamonds like cubic zirconia are not diamonds

Finallydoingit24 · 17/05/2025 07:33

I will ignore the stuff about the diamond but seriously who the fuck do you think you are to expect him to have told you about his self harm? I see this all the time - people think they are “owed” some blow by blow account of all their partners most painful memories. No, it is for the individual to decide if and when they talk about that and if the answer is never, a good person would respect that. Fine if you open up but no he doesn’t have to reciprocate. He really doesn’t.

dogcatkitten · 17/05/2025 07:33

Dogaredabomb · 17/05/2025 06:32

I didn't realise lab diamonds were not cubic zirconia. As an aside blue zirconia is beautiful and I wondered if it's mined.

Re your relationship if you're being a detective within your relationship it's not for you.

Lab diamonds are exactly the same material as mined diamonds, but the diamond crystals are grown in a laboratory, they are pretty much indistinguishable from mined diamonds, unless you are an expert. Probably more consistent quality as well.

minnienono · 17/05/2025 07:34

Lab diamonds are real, if anything more ethical because you know the source - my diamond on my engagement ring is a certified polar diamond, I would not risk anything on the open market as many are extracted unethically. Dsds ring has lab grown diamonds and it’s beautiful

LaurieFairyCake · 17/05/2025 07:38

The thing you need a conversation about is whether you want to live together, he can’t just expect to move in with you

if he’s got money and you want to live together then you can buy somewhere together if you’re starting to feel committed to the relationship?

I also wonder if he’s a bit old for you, has he retired yet? You’re still young, well everyone younger than me is young Grin

dogcatkitten · 17/05/2025 07:41

What did you say when he intimated he wanted to move in? Was he testing the waters in a round about way? What would be the arrangement, I assume he would pay rent or take over bills or some other financial arrangement, it's not just as easy as him arriving with his toothbrush and slippers.

blythet · 17/05/2025 07:45

Hopefulinbalham · 17/05/2025 06:05

I don’t expect someone to buy me a diamond ring after 8 months. The amount he spent on it (£750) was a lot of money for a single piece of jewellery at any point never mind 8 months. But at the age of 50, I do expect a ring with a real stone. Not a rock, not anything gigantic. It doesn’t even have to be diamonds. But I do think it’s not unreasonable to think it would be a real stone.

Edited

This makes zero sense…..you don’t expect a diamond ring after 8 months but you do expect a real stone?? Get a grip OP. A £750 ring after 8 months is pretty extravagant IMO.

Youre also being completely unreasonable re the self harm. That’s his personal business and for him to open up about in his own time. Again, within the first 8 months seems more than reasonable to me.

The way he’s gone about moving in isn’t great so I’d have been more supportive if this was the issue you’d focussed on. To give him the benefit of the doubt he could have been making a joke about it to gauge your reaction and test the waters. If it’s not what you want, did you tell him that?

As a side note - are you sure he owns the property his daughter lives in and he’s not just been embarrassed at renting at 63?

WutheringBites · 17/05/2025 07:46

Dogaredabomb · 17/05/2025 06:32

I didn't realise lab diamonds were not cubic zirconia. As an aside blue zirconia is beautiful and I wondered if it's mined.

Re your relationship if you're being a detective within your relationship it's not for you.

Blue zircon is a mined natural stone (although I think it might sometimes be treated) which is often a really bright turquoise. It’s lovely but quite soft, as stones go.

as for relationship advice for OP, I’d slow things down too, but be transparent about the moving in - you absolutely don’t need to have someone move into your house if you’re not 110% keen on the idea

DrBloom · 17/05/2025 07:54

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off. I wouldn’t want one, instead preferring a second hand ring to a faux diamond.

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment.

Ikeameatballs · 17/05/2025 07:56

Your complaints about the ring make you sound ignorant and entitled.

The self harm scars is odd, how has he managed to hide these in bed? Or have you noticed before but not commented or are they more obvious because his skin has tanned on holiday?

What conversation have you had about the future?

Ikeameatballs · 17/05/2025 07:59

DrBloom · 17/05/2025 07:54

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off. I wouldn’t want one, instead preferring a second hand ring to a faux diamond.

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment.

How can you spot lab grown diamonds a mile off? They are impossible to tell apart with the naked eye.

Dogaredabomb · 17/05/2025 07:59

DrBloom · 17/05/2025 07:54

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off. I wouldn’t want one, instead preferring a second hand ring to a faux diamond.

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment.

For me second hand mined diamonds, and other gemstones are the way to go. I love seeing all the vintage settings.

deveronvalley · 17/05/2025 08:00

Good grief, I have self harming scars which I have never explained to my husband in 25 years! It’s perfectly bloody obvious what they are and what is there to say about it?!

The gift he gave you is fine. 8 months! Come on!

If you don’t want him to move in with you then be clear.

8 months in is supposed to be fun!

Matcha95 · 17/05/2025 08:01

I think a lot of people are confusing lab grown diamonds with cubic zirconia.

Zezet · 17/05/2025 08:03

I think you are wrong in how you look at the diamond.

They are actual diamonds. You saying they're not real diamonds is like saying a deer raised by a farmer is not a deer because it wasn't caught in the wild. They are also known for being more ethical. Many women might prefer or expect the lab grown ones.

But now stop focusing on the diamonds and look at everything else.

ButteredRadishes · 17/05/2025 08:03

DrBloom · 17/05/2025 07:54

I think you’re entitled to have an opinion. Lab grown diamonds have no residual value. They also look fake, I can spot one a mile off. I wouldn’t want one, instead preferring a second hand ring to a faux diamond.

He probably thinks that’s £750 well spent if he ditches his bills and lives in with you as a result of his investment.

"I can spot one a mile off."

No you can't.

Zezet · 17/05/2025 08:05

Lol at the people who can spot wild vs lab grown diamonds.

Can you also distinguish kids who were exclusively breastfed from those on formula by the beautiful glow on their skin?

Swipe left for the next trending thread