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Original poster

Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

351 replies

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:41

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 17/05/2025 08:04

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 07:21

The idea that this man may well have been pandering to the OP in unreasonable ways doesnt even occur to anyone here. It's like they can't imagine a woman behaving in that way.

Decent, mature men would never consider themselves "pandering" to their wife's needs. They'd foster good communication and a shared respectful family environment, where she felt heard and understood. "Pandering" as a verb is misogynistic because it immediately invalidates the woman's experience.

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:04

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 07:21

The idea that this man may well have been pandering to the OP in unreasonable ways doesnt even occur to anyone here. It's like they can't imagine a woman behaving in that way.

This being an anonymous forum, readers always have to take a certain amount on faith. The OP has shared her story and we're responding to it. Sure, there's always another side to every story but all we can reply to is what we've been told.

Also, the language used by partner (which, clearly, we can only assume is accurately reported by the OP, but there's no point responding to anybody if we never believe anything) is very concerning.

"He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on".

I would use similar language with a stubborn child, or perhaps a very unmotivated employee, but I would never speak like that to anybody I saw as an equal. Not my friends, not my family, definitely not by partner.

Even if your idea that the OP was causing all the arguments is true, it's still a very dysfunctional way of responding. If he were seriously unhappy, then he should sit down and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to improve their relationship (or he should break up with her if she really is so unreasonable).

What is never ok is one person unilaterally announcing how things will be from now on.

Drawings · 17/05/2025 08:06

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

I am with you. MN is known for being very quick on the red flag don’t marry him narrative.

For me you need to sit down when everyone is calm and have a conversation about it. How it made you feel, why it made you feel that way and what’s triggering him to say it. A full understanding his brain and thought process.

It’s not a massive red flag to me until you have that conversation and the outcome. People say things in the heat of the moment and he needs to explain himself.

Example I have: my DH before marriage was getting annoyed at me messing around in bed (play fighting) and when I tried to tickle him he pushed on my hand very hard to make me stop. Which shocked me and it could have been a very big red flag for physical abuse. However we had a big chat and he apologised, explained he’s always been the runt of the boys so he’s not very strong and assumed we have similar strength. He was frustrated with me and we had a big chat about boundaries (I wasn’t listening and he wasn’t communicating well) and that we both need to use our words more to communicate better. Years later nothing like that has ever happened again, he’s such a good man and father to our children. He does his fair share of chores and childcare. Overall he’s pretty amazing.

All I’m saying is I wouldn’t throw in the towel like people are saying here, have the conversation first and understand what’s going on

Blueskiesandrainbows · 17/05/2025 08:06

Vplop · 17/05/2025 07:59

Ending the relationship is extreme. There must be something else going on with him.

you guys need to work on communication. Do a check in- how is he really? How is your relationship? Talk about it.

tell him how you feel. Is there anything you or he have been holding back saying for some time?

Some relationship counselling might be a good idea before you get married. Air everything in a healthy way.

Building 12 years of history and trust isn’t something you just throw away because of one shitty thing he said.

I agree, to say LTB just because of one comment is utterly ridiculous.
The use of the word ‘pander’ obviously needs addressing, but you know him, posters on here don’t.
You did jump into the flames by asking on here, but thankfully you’ve had some very sensible answers regarding talking this comment through, I hope you can work it out, no relationship is without its disagreements.

anyolddinosaur · 17/05/2025 08:07

@MyOliveHelper He's blaming her for a dog getting injured. We dont know how the dog got injured but often is not something you can easily prevent. Then he says he's going to be "firmer" with her in future - a word that has connotations of violence. Two red flags, not one.

Obviously OP did not consider the dog's injury her fault and he presumably was not there to see what happened. So why not a rational discussion of how the dog got hurt and if it is possible to prevent them being injured in future? He's apparently jumped to "it's your fault".

It's pretty rare for a man to actually be "pandering" to his girlfriend after 8 years, 8 weeks, maybe even 8 months is possible but they cant keep it up. OTOH it's quite common for abusive men to let the mask slip and the woman to ignore it.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/05/2025 08:10

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 07:21

The idea that this man may well have been pandering to the OP in unreasonable ways doesnt even occur to anyone here. It's like they can't imagine a woman behaving in that way.

Absolutely.
OP might be a princess who always gets her way or might be a gaslighter, we don't know.

If she's anything like 'Ms my therapist doesn't want to remind me to pay her', she'll have no self awareness and minimise her own part in this.

I won't pander to you anymore and will be firmer sounds like someone who's been bulldozed for a long time.

If OP was the one saying that, she'd be told, good for her standing up to him, so why can't he stand up to her!

Two sides to every story.

Have a calm chat when the dust settles OP, but please own your part as that can't come from nowhere.

financialmuddle · 17/05/2025 08:10

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:56

God I hate the internet, imagine saying something as cold hearted and cruel as that to someone in real life.

I'm not sure which comment(s) you're referring to, I haven't read them all, but please don't focus on the posters who have gone too far or are trolling. There's always some, ignore them.

Focus on the sensible and concerned posters, and there's been many. This really is concerning behaviour from someone you are planning children with. After 12 years it's going to be hard not to be swayed by the sunk costs fallacy. It must be incredibly disconcerting that he's started behaving like this, but brushing it under the carpet is self-sabotaging. He's showing who he is. Not all the time, but men who undermine like this often get worse after^^ marriage and during pregnancy. So it is very worrying.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:10

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:04

This being an anonymous forum, readers always have to take a certain amount on faith. The OP has shared her story and we're responding to it. Sure, there's always another side to every story but all we can reply to is what we've been told.

Also, the language used by partner (which, clearly, we can only assume is accurately reported by the OP, but there's no point responding to anybody if we never believe anything) is very concerning.

"He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on".

I would use similar language with a stubborn child, or perhaps a very unmotivated employee, but I would never speak like that to anybody I saw as an equal. Not my friends, not my family, definitely not by partner.

Even if your idea that the OP was causing all the arguments is true, it's still a very dysfunctional way of responding. If he were seriously unhappy, then he should sit down and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to improve their relationship (or he should break up with her if she really is so unreasonable).

What is never ok is one person unilaterally announcing how things will be from now on.

Show quote history

But where does the OP say "no he never has to pander and nobody in my life would ever say that I'm that way inclined"?

We don't know. The OP.told us facts about what he said. It's like someone telling us that their husband told them they have paint on their face and we all.assune that there is no way that she does and we don't even ask her if she's checked. We just assume she can't have paint on her face, because she's a woman, I suppose

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:12

anyolddinosaur · 17/05/2025 08:07

@MyOliveHelper He's blaming her for a dog getting injured. We dont know how the dog got injured but often is not something you can easily prevent. Then he says he's going to be "firmer" with her in future - a word that has connotations of violence. Two red flags, not one.

Obviously OP did not consider the dog's injury her fault and he presumably was not there to see what happened. So why not a rational discussion of how the dog got hurt and if it is possible to prevent them being injured in future? He's apparently jumped to "it's your fault".

It's pretty rare for a man to actually be "pandering" to his girlfriend after 8 years, 8 weeks, maybe even 8 months is possible but they cant keep it up. OTOH it's quite common for abusive men to let the mask slip and the woman to ignore it.

So you don't actually know if it was the OP's fault. For all you know, she could have taken out the dog in extreme heat and its paws got.burned on the hot ground despite the fact they have those little.sock things that protect them.

Or maybe she let the dog run wild with the nutty dog next door, again, knowing it is way too rough.

Maybe the OP shuts down rational conversations about these things. We just don't know.

MyDeftDuck · 17/05/2025 08:13

“He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on..”

Based on his opinions then you can potentially look forward to a life of a Stepford Wife, sahm, unable to have an opinion, no voice, doing as you are told not as you wish, keeping in line according to his instruction………….good luck with all that. I would have packed my bags and walked by now.

Poopeepoopee · 17/05/2025 08:14

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

Heres a balanced opinion.

Could he be right? Are you a "last word freak"? Like a dog with a bone who just cant let things go.

I've got a secret to tell you.

You don't have have to answer/respond to every single thing. Once you've said what you want to say its said. Nothing changes that. You;ve said it, it stands, you need do nothing else. Let him have the last word if he wants it.

Chloe793 · 17/05/2025 08:14

OP I think you have to ask yourself why you didn't 'exacerbate the row' and why you feel you have to tip toe around him when he gets in these 'weird tired moods'. This was a discussion/row that needed to carry on because he started talking to you disrespectfully, like a child - what were you afraid of happening that made you back away from it?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/05/2025 08:14

Some men pander to their wives their whole lives, how many posts on here of narcissistic mothers where the dad sided with them and not the kids.

It happens a lot where women boss men around, nothing new.

OP says he's a loving partner of 8 years.

What happened on the walk OP, could you describe that?

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:14

FigTreeInEurope · 17/05/2025 08:04

Decent, mature men would never consider themselves "pandering" to their wife's needs. They'd foster good communication and a shared respectful family environment, where she felt heard and understood. "Pandering" as a verb is misogynistic because it immediately invalidates the woman's experience.

Show quote history

I think it would solely depend on how the woman acts when she doesnt get her own way. I do believe men can be victims of emotional abuse by a female perpetrator. I know pandering is something victims often do to escape abuse. Therefore, I believe a man may pander to a woman to escape their unreasonable behaviour.

Americano75 · 17/05/2025 08:16

I've been where you are. I didn't have the guts to call it off. For balance, I do have an amazing daughter who made it all worth it and more.

But think carefully. Talk to someone you trust in real life and get their opinion, someone who knows both of you.

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:17

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:10

But where does the OP say "no he never has to pander and nobody in my life would ever say that I'm that way inclined"?

We don't know. The OP.told us facts about what he said. It's like someone telling us that their husband told them they have paint on their face and we all.assune that there is no way that she does and we don't even ask her if she's checked. We just assume she can't have paint on her face, because she's a woman, I suppose

Show quote history

But even if (big if) the OP has been unreasonable and demanding, it still doesn't make what he said ok. It still doesn't make it a healthy way to respond.

As many posters have pointed out, no one would every speak to an equal the way he did to her. I would only use language like that to a misbehaving child, never a grown adult who I want to marry.

It's like if someone says "you fucking cunt I'll kill you". Sure, there could be problems leading up to that outburst, but the very words themselves show this person is toxic.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/05/2025 08:18

SkaneTos · 16/05/2025 23:21

You are both almost 32 years old.
You have been together 12 years.

So you became a couple when you were both teenagers?

20 - OP says they’ve lived together for the last 8 of those 12 years.

ilovelamp82 · 17/05/2025 08:18

DragonCity · 16/05/2025 22:45

This makes me feel like he's been reading some Andrew Tate style crap online.

Exactly what I thought. I wouldn't marry him. Or suggest that you go to pre marriage counselling. I imagine his reaction to that would be all you'd need to know.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:18

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:17

But even if (big if) the OP has been unreasonable and demanding, it still doesn't make what he said ok. It still doesn't make it a healthy way to respond.

As many posters have pointed out, no one would every speak to an equal the way he did to her. I would only use language like that to a misbehaving child, never a grown adult who I want to marry.

It's like if someone says "you fucking cunt I'll kill you". Sure, there could be problems leading up to that outburst, but the very words themselves show this person is toxic.

Show quote history

I think simply stating that you'll nk longer be pandering to someone isnt the crime you're making it out to be. Especially if you've genuinely been pandering to someone for years.

Someone stating a boundary to you isnt abuse. He didn't call her a cunt..he said this is going to.stop..that's all.

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:18

It's pretty rare for a man to actually be "pandering" to his girlfriend after 8 years

No it's not. It's quite common. I'm sure everyone knows at least one marriage where a man spends his life trying to meet the demands and expectations of a controlling women.

It's what the phrase Happy wife Happy life is based on. Keep quiet and keep her happy.

Just as I'm sure everyone knows at least one marriage with a domineering man who's wife is fearful of crossing him.

Both are common dynamics.

We don't know based on the info if this relationship is either of these or just a normal mostly healthy relationship with some communication issues.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:20

Being told No, isnt abuse. Your husband is allowed to say no to you.

Rememberwhatthedoorknobsaid · 17/05/2025 08:21

financialcareerstuff · 16/05/2025 23:20

I’ll give you a contrary view. The first thing I always ask when someone says something like this, is whether there is some reasonable truth in it? Is it possible he does pander to you? Who would you say is generally dominant in the relationship? Who gets their way? Who tends to get upset and outraged about things? Who tends to apologise, pacify or give in? Has anything changed recently? (Eg you mention you are getting married soon, have you perhaps been driving decision making around that and not truly listening to him?). If you are unsure of the answers to these questions, then try asking someone you trust who knows you and your relationship.

so if you think through that, and are convinced that he does not pander to you….. then it’s time to ask him to explain to you in what way he feels he does. Listen openly. Maybe you will get a revelation - either about your own behaviour that helps you realise his comment is reasonable…. Or about him - that he’s being an idiot/has been pollluted by misogynistic crap, or is actually just super stressed and realises he’s been unreasonable……

once you’ve done all this thinking and listening, then I’d say it’s your turn to talk. That could be anything from ending it (if he’s become an incel, as some suggest), through acknowledging that you’ve become overly dominant and building strategies together to support each other in becoming more balanced.

This response makes the most sense to me

spicemaiden · 17/05/2025 08:22

Oh hell no.

don’t get trapped with this controlling dick

LBFseBrom · 17/05/2025 08:22

MiniCoopers · 16/05/2025 22:54

Could be pre marriage jitters and he’s hoping it’ll force you to postpone/cancel things so he doesn’t look like the baddy or just worth a conversation to ask what’s going on?

I thought that, he may want out, perhaps other opportunities are presenting themselves.

BMW6 · 17/05/2025 08:26

I think the OP has gone............ .